Friday, March 17, 2017

The Awesome Benefits of Being Broke



Hubby once asked how I always knew when he was short of funds and I told him the same thing I’ve said to broke people who had been broke at some point in time but had tried to hide their broke status.

Broke people give out same “vibe” everywhere. And brokenness has no hiding place. Lool

Hubby used to belong to the school of thought that you only start saving when the money has accumulated into tens and hundreds of thousands and anything below that is meant for “flenjure” and to “jollificate”. No thanks to PMB’s regime and his ever aka-gum prudent spouse, he now understands that’s a very terrible mentality.

There are some good sides to being broke though and usually, when you are broke, you start seeing the good benefits to things or situations you would have never even given a second thought before.


YOU BECOME EXTREMELY HUMBLE & POLITE


This is the most visible sign of a broke person actually. You see in Nigeria, the most surplus attitude a lot of us have is pride. We show our pride everywhere, on Lagos roads, parties, on Instagram, Facebook, when we meet LASTMA, FRSC and VIO officials, everywhere you can think of. The air of pomposity we display daily can’t be quantified and we try as much as possible to intimidate everyone we come across with the “Do you know who I am” attitude. Some try to keep it subtle but pride and arrogance has no idle place. But you see, when you are broke, humility becomes your middle name. You start to notice the lower echelon people on your street, exactly how much PHCN charges you this month and compare it to last month’s bill, scrutinize the bill from Shoprite, argue with your mechanic and vulcanizer heatedly and shamelessly. And for the men, they become humble at home using more of “please” and “thank you” whenever they are offered food or something they know they didn’t contribute a dime to. 

This is usually the first sign women see and know “bobo yii tii broke gan nii”. Even on the road, when you are broke, you become very polite and less aggressive because you don’t want to jam anybody as money no dey. This also extends to parties. When you have wads of cash in your pocket, you go to a party reeking of extreme arrogance such that when it’s time to spray, the way you even saunter to the center stage sef, they will know you have arrived. But when you have just a flat line wallet, you collect your jollof rice and one fish with humility from the ushers and also quietly leave. Lol. This is why I’m wary of humility from people who are yet to hammer. Most times, na wash.


YOU BECOME VERY GENTLE:

This is another giveaway sign. I once visited a friend whose hubby was amazingly quiet that day, extremely nice and very patient with the kids. When he left us to go into the room with the kids in tow, I had to voice out to my friend “mehn, your boo is so quiet and peaceful” to which she responded very fast, “ma da lohun, ko sowo lowo e nii. If not, koba ti ri irin gbere gbere e lo”. (Let your Yoruba friend or neighbor translate that for you. lol) This even applies to me as well. When Hubby usually stayed back home on a Friday night, I initially expressed concern and worry and hoped he wasn’t coming down with a fever. But as time passed, I knew being home on a Friday meant he was short of cash. A man’s ego most especially is tied to his wallet. So when a man is short of cash, the gentility in character becomes laughable. When we are broke, humans generally take life easy and are very polite to the next person.



YOU BECOME AWARE OF WHAT’S HEALTHY & WHAT’S NOT: 

It’s safe to say the sweetest things in life are not usually the healthiest. The more processed a meal, the more unhealthy it is perceived to be; pizza, burger, frizzy drinks, indomie, Sugar, Popcorn, expensive jewelry etc. Lol. When you are broke, you become very prudent and begin to convince yourself that the things you cannot afford are actually not good in the first place. Remember the Naija arrogance pointed out in the first point? It applies here. Rather than tell ourselves we simply cannot afford it, we try to convince ourselves that it isn’t good for our blood sugar, our skins and blood pressure anyway. And besides, isn’t it the best time to lose those calories gained during Xmas?



YOU BECOME MORE RECEPTIVE TO BUSINESS IDEAS AND MORE AGGRESSIVE TOWARDS LOOKING FOR MORE STREAMS OF INCOME: 


When you are broke, you become jack of all trades (gbogbo oja lowo). What you sold last week is usually different from what you are now selling. People may even begin to wonder if you are not trying to engage in yahoo yahoo as such is your hunger to do everything. All na jamajama. And the more broke you are, the higher the likelihood that you will churn out new business ideas daily. (Lool, nope don’t look at me Jide. I’m simply a woman of many passions).



YOU BECOME VERY PRICE CONSCIOUS: 


I won’t even lie, I’m also guilty of this. I usually don’t bother so much about the prices of products as I purchase in bulk most times. But whenever I was short of funds and I was charged in bulk, I switch straight to the local side of me, “bawo ni mefa shey ma je N7,500? Elo wa leyokan? Oya eyo meta kuro”. (Ask your Yoruba friend to translate for you. Lol) Even at awkward places, you haggle prices. I once tried to purchase a high end brand pain relief medicine for my toddler at Medplus but when I heard the price, I had to bring down my brand choice to a much more affordable one. All na paracetamol. S**t happens jare.  

You also find yourself noticing N50, N100, N150, and N200 price change in some products and begin to haggle prices of things that ordinarily, you just picked up without any care in the world; agbalumo, tatase, watermelon, crayfish, Pampers and hoping the seller removes at least N100 or more. One funny time, Hubby saw a hairstyle he wanted me to adorn on Instagram but by the time I was ready to get the hair done, he was already short of cash but had to still pay for it as per his promise. The hair was so pricey that when he saw the total, he didn’t know when he blurted “jekin mo koto tu irun yen o”. Lmaoo. May God help us all jare.


YOU BECOME MORE EMPATHETIC TOWARDS THE PLIGHT OF PEOPLE WHO PRACTICALLY LIVE LIKE THIS ALL THROUGH THE YEAR:


Being broke makes you literally understand the plight of other people who are lesser than you in terms of financial strength. In Nigeria, our average level of empathy isn’t so enormous. So long as it’s not happening to us or those around us, we rarely bother. So if you had never been broke, there’s no way you would have known what the other side of the fence looked like. But when you now experience brokenness on a medium or large scale, forgerrit, you automatically become more empathetic. Your listening skills also double during this time and you become less judgmental. Sometimes, you channel this boredom to social media. Lool. You may also attend church services more. You automatically become more religious especially if you attributed your brokenness to the woman you saw when you travelled last to the village and who prayed for you longer than usual. It will conveniently fly from your brain that you attended too much Hard Rock café or Quilox events in the last few months or the various people you bought Vals gift for, or all the hair wigs you bought and Uber trips you took were responsible. During this time, you will rather faint than acknowledge that you acquired more liabilities than assets hence your brokenness. So the more suspicious you are of your sudden brokenness, the higher your church or mosque activities.




YOU BECOME VERY HELPFUL AT HOME: 



Well, we are all guilty of this sha especially if the person we are living with is now left to help our broke status. Once you are broke, you become very available to help around the home and may even offer to run some errands and even attend the family events you hadn’t attended in years. (Lol yeah guys, we know that when you stay more at home especially when you are not ill, your wallets aren’t smiling)
All in all, while being broke should be a time that calls for some deep retrospect and change in attitude on what was not so good in the buoyant days, most times, the feeling is more temporary than a sore throat because many people simply go back to their spendthrift state once some small change comes back to them. We simply forget everything we picked up while being broke. It’s one of the many reasons some ladies are wary of sticking it out with a struggling man because based on past logistics, the humility that was shown during these days were temporary and their real colors come out once the money starts to flood in. 

Money changes people basically because there is the inherent notion that power should automatically follow whoever has the money.




Friday, January 27, 2017

How the Internet Has Saved My Life






If there’s anyone that can testify to the effect the internet has had on people, it should be me.

Just last week, I went to conduct some series of routine tests and when I came back and Hubby asked what the results were, I told him in a very morbid tone;

“According to the tests, I have heart disease, alongside liver and kidney dysfunction”. 



What I did not tell him however, was that I got that diagnosis from Google. Poor guy! I didn’t know I had scared the bejesus out of him even though he maintained composure as he had hurriedly put an SOS call to a family doctor who came around urgently the next day to see the results and with relief passed across the actual results he interpreted as a certified doctor.

You would think I should have learned my lesson. But lailai! I am unashamedly addicted to Google for any information I do not have at the tip of my finger. And even though all its diagnosis are always terminal diseases without a permanent cure, I will still ask. Just this morning, I woke up with a left pelvic pain and as soon as I got to work, I visited my darling Google to help since I didn’t have the time to visit the hospital. The likely prognosis delivered were enormous- everything that was suggested required lifelong treatment and some even recommended surgery. Despite all these dramatic Google hullabaloo, one thing I have been able to deduce from the internet is this; whatever you are going through or experiencing- either medical, psychological or social related issues, you are not the first or the one millionth person and won’t be the last.

With the internet, you can safely proclaim to yourself “welcome to the club”!


And depending on who is reading and the experiences they may have had, the internet, especially social media and Google, can be said to have done some good as a lot of relevant information can be found online. For me personally, it has self-taught me on a lot of things. I think it’s safe to say I learnt graphic designing via the internet. There are even topics I wanted to write about and the writer's block was stronger than the spirit. What did I do? I visited Google and saw related posts, and took my muse from several. As a popular philosopher once said, there is nothing like a new idea. Every idea you may think you have was as a result of coming across it at some point in your life, however unknowing it was. It's called residual knowledge.

The internet with all its good sides also has several harmful sides as everyone knows it has been used false impressions.

THE SNAP-CHAT/INSTAGRAM FILTERS –




I know, right? I see some images and I’m jealously thinking like “Of course no one’s face can be that spotless, com’on”. Then you see some comments validating with “you are so gorgeous/handsome/perfect”. And I’m almost always tempted to say; "Come on! It is Photoshop. Are you blind? Really, you fell for that?” A lot of friends who had at some point slid into some “gorgeous guy/babe’s DM due to over filtering of images only to meet them one on one and started crying foul about how fake humans are. Will you sharrap! You mean you are so dense you don’t know a filtered image when you see one? How else do you think we hide our pimples and acne spots? Com’n gerrarahia! You saw flamboyance and your lower region dictated to your upper region. Something a lot of people are guilty of. On to the next topic jare.

MISREPRESENTATION OF INFORMATION-

If there’s someone that’s of the opinion that social media should be regularized, it’s yours truly. I have seen people do damages to families, relationships and even white collar workers because of information representation. Information is all about positioning and a lot of bloggers and data assessors know this and negatively use this. 


TOO MUCH INFORMATION-



We are now in a world where wives and husbands or boyfriends and girlfriends now send their relationship problems to popular relationship pages for people to help them beg their partner because of one issue they had or the other. We have even seen celebrity couples have their followers plead with their partners to forgive them and other bla bla bla. I mean WTF???? You think they care? This recession has made lots of people idle, angry and extremely bored. And gossip, especially a juicy one, is the sweetest way to form busy. People do not care about people they do not know or have any shared value with. It’s not their empathy to share, their problem to deal with and definitely not something they would lose sleep over. And people will only advise based on their own experience and not what best applies. Relationship problems are best channeled through certified coaches//counselors or people positioned to be very wise, level headed and can keep their mouth shut!

B**TARD TROLLS: 




With the advent of social media, people have now moved away from asking only their pastors, parents, Iya Bose that owns a shop in front of their house and their mummy’s elder sister for advice. The internet is the new place to ask for “help”. And with the growth of online help seekers, the online trolls are also out in full battalion. Whenever I read some insulting comments, I used to secretly wish I were a baddass hacker so I could track those trolls down and share all their dirty secrets to the public. James Blunt, Tonto Dikeh (I miss her comebacks to internet trolls), Ricardo are the few celebrities that I know that do not suffer trolls gladly. Their comebacks are usually epic. 

I cannot fathom why someone would need advice on depression and the comments would encourage him to kill himself. Isn't that just insane? The funny thing is that a lot of these trolls are quiet/shy or depressed people themselves. No happy human being can be an internet troll. You regurgitate exactly what is inside you. Sharing bitter comments shows the bitterness living within some people. But I guess with social media, we have to accept and expect the loss of privacy.

Let’s go back to Google jere.

Google is definitely a woman! “She” can so exaggerate things and blow it out of proportion. Choi! But despite this, this wonderful “woman” has brought information right to our door steps. While 40% of what I know today was via formal education and parental training, 65% came from Google. There is practically nothing on God’s green earth that cannot be found on the internet. Absolutely nothing!








The things we search for in Nigeria sha. Smh

I’m not really in support of seeking general relationship/marriage help on a free for all social media platform as I believe people can get answers to how to deal with various problems privately and directly from Google. Google will even protect your privacy. There is absolutely nothing new under the sun and if for any reason at all anyone has any problem or issue, one can always Google it. There are thousands of sites and links that would shed insight on how to handle a problem.

One of the main problems of depression is the fact that the victim is always too ashamed to talk about the problem. Suicide attempts are a desperate plea for help and rather than resort to ending it, one can take advantage of the internet to search Google and see how people in similar shoes handled it. 


People also need to understand that we all attempt to put our best foot forward especially on the internet. When someone goes to great length to let you know they are happy and thriving, most times than not, they aren’t really. I have met some people in real life who are actually less impressive than what they projected themselves to be on social media. And a lot of social media users are easily fooled by appearances. The social media has a lot of advantages asides from posting pictures of an almost perfect life though. There are so many educative pages on Facebook and Instagram that can give you more insights about life especially with regards to your outlook.

Some of the key things I can assertively say about the internet is that:


Seriously though, aliens don't exist jo. 


The Internet Can Purge You Of Your Ignorance: I can’t even begin to mention all I have discovered on the internet; how to identify fake items, what tea-bagging is, how to stalk someone anonymously on LinkedIn, how to know if your partner is hiding something from you, how to block people on Whatsapp, and how much Shell and Mobile pays its staff.

It Increases Your Knowledge & Makes You Less Judgmental Of People: The more you read, the more tolerant you become of people irrespective of tribe, religion or race. Some while back, I wrote a controversial post that trended for a while and sparked outrage across some single ladies and "feminists" and someone wanted to know why I was ignoring those comments and focusing on those that agreed with me. And my response was “it is very important to ensure you are reasoning with people “willing” to see reasons or are mature enough to communicate their disagreement without resorting to insults”. Insults during disagreement is the lowest form of intelligence and I NEVER resort to it. Because I read eclectically, I find it easy hearing other views and tolerating it. If I do not agree, I can clearly express that with logical reasons why I don’t or I just totally ignore. A high reading or researching culture equals to a high learning ability and superior intelligence.

It Makes You Unlearn Some Stereotypes That Were In Your Life: The problem with bigots is that they are very selective about what they read. Anything that will make them learn contrary information about their staunch beliefs, they shun. The best form of education and enlightenment is the willingness to learn, unlearn and relearn.

In another news, I just discovered that Hubby has no clue whatsoever about browser history and what it stands for, or where it can be found on his system.
I wonder if I could close early enough. I need to do some laundry….

Thursday, December 29, 2016

60 New Things I’ve Discovered About Myself at 21 years




I recently announced my age on my social media channels and trust friends and foe to come out in their full regalia and paraphernalia to contest, deny, challenge and counter my declared age and without any birth certificate proof.

Is it your age?

That’s by the way. I will admit that as I age, my morbidity level keeps rising and sees me asking myself within the privacy of my thoughts: Will I still be alive by this time next year? That is the most potent question I always ask myself every December 29th. We see lots of young people falling off the line daily due to one reason or the other and we are forced to ask why them and thanking God we are spared.  

Most times, when I wake on my birthday, I always start off moody and today was no exception. I had woken around 1:00am and to combat the mood I woke with, I played around on my phone with Candy Crush Saga for 3 hours while nursing some mundane thoughts on whether I had achieved all I had personally set to achieve from the previous year’s birthday. The answer was a resounding no. But I was glad I was still able to achieve some.

And as  I unarguably age gracefully like fine wine, I keep re-discovering new things about myself and hopefully will get people to understand my weirdness, aloofness and occasional queer habits.



1. I hate small talks.

2. The older I get, the less I now need approval for anything I say or do.

3. My temper is still very hot.

4. I get bored easily.

5. I don’t like unintelligent people. And yes, I am still an intellectual snob.

6. I am very comfortable being alone for hours and undisturbed. I discovered my daughter has inherited this from me.

7. I dislike talkative people.

8. There is power in silence and it’s a mantra I go by daily.

9. If I have my earpiece on, I don’t like being spoken to.

10. I hate people who feel the need to touch you when they want to talk to you.

11. I am very ambitious.

12. Loyalty means everything to me.

13. I don’t forgive easily.

14. I can smell b**s**t even if it’s clothed in the most expensive Jimmy Choos or Tims.

15. I became more tolerant of children after I became a mum.

16. I always know more than I will ever admit.

17. I have a very rotten mind.

18. I am a very shy person

19. I am extremely confident.

20. Domestic violence gets my blood boiling.

21. If I ever catch a criminal that has caused bodily harm or fatal injury to someone I love, I doubt I will hand him/her over to the police immediately. Or ever…..

22. I cry when watching emotional movies

23. Secrets shared with me are safer than a bank’s vault

24. I’m a Ruth Abokoku

25. Family is everything to me

26. I have very few friends

27. I still don’t know how to twerk

28. I still snore when I sleep

29. Recruitment process in Nigeria is very messed up and needs a serious overhaul.

30. Many graduates in Nigeria are unemployable

31. Life is never going to be fair to people afraid of taking risks.

32. I invest a lot of time in reading.

33. I still do not attend parties I’m not directly invited to.

34. I’ve learned to do what will make me happy.

35. The width of my circle of friends is proportionate to the level of my bulls**t intolerance.

36. I don’t like a lot of people.

37. I like Toke Makinwa, Tiwa Savage and Arese Agwu.

38. I still have OCD.

39. I’m a jack of all trades and master of none.

40. Even at this age, I still don’t know which of my passions to focus on.

41. I’m afraid of accidental deaths. If I’m going to pass away, I would like to go quietly in my sleep and without drama.

42. I wish I’d studied Engineering or Medicine. I still insist I have the brains for it.

43. As I got older, I became more tolerant of people’s Idiosyncrasies.

44. I never thought it would happen, but I can’t keep up. with the latest songs, artists or what’s on the radio.

45. I have too many interests and passions. I want to take tech classes, enroll for Aptech, NIIT, nutrition classes, dance classes, you name it.

46. I worry a lot. When anyone is travelling by road or air, I’m partly scared they will have an accident and I will never see them again.

47. I have an over-dramatic imagination.

48. I don’t believe in soul mates or love at first sight and believe any relationship or marriage devoid of love can still thrive as long as there's respect and friendship.

49. I still don’t know my size of bra.

50. I’m actually not married to someone I can disrespect. Ever.

51. I’m a blind bat at night

52. I still don’t know how I ended up with my life partner. We are like poles apart. Whatever you think of me, he is the exact opposite

53. I think my daughter already prefers Hubby to me.

54. Everything you may have read about Capricorns, I am a true representation

55. I’ve never left the shores of the country due to extreme lack of interest and fear of plane capsizing into the ocean. I also get bored easily so sitting on a flight for more than 6 hours is non-appealing right now.

56. I wish I could be more candid on my blog but I’m kinda wary of offending people.

57. I get really upset when I see nasty messages and comments aimed at celebrities and popular figures.

58. I actually like President Buhari and believe he has the interest of Nigeria at heart but is misguided and his orientation to conflict resolution is outdated

59. I judge people’s intelligence based on their understanding of the language of sarcasm

60. I’m the least-jealous person in the world.

61. I worry way too much about stuff. It is still my worst quality and I hate it.

62. I hate any form of shopping.

63. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life per se.
             

If you noticed I shared more than 60 or still contesting the authenticity of my age,
you really need to get laid.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Did You Really Give Her An Orgasm?

Long Read Alert: This post was stemmed from a recent discussion with two female acquaintances who admitted they had never experienced orgasm pre and post marriage. Up to 7 sexually experienced women’s opinion were sought to complete this article. 




2 out of 5 women would have faked an orgasm at some point with a current or past lover at least once. 

Awwn don’t look too shocked. See it like infidelity, many hate it but has that stopped it? 

The rise of orgasm pretense amongst women has increased due to certain expectations set by society on what a woman is expected to give in a relationship- absolutely everything she was born and nurtured with. You see posts that celebrate men more than women- coaches, pastors, Imams, parents coaching the females on how to “keep” a man and their home and things to do to "hold" a man's interest. You rarely see posts that tell men how to keep a woman and when you do, you have men quick to remind women on the scarcity of men and the need to better “behave o” and stop seeking qualities only Jesus have.

Until recent years, most relationship books and advice basically focused more on women pleasing men. Even pornography materials created sexual scenes where a man’s orgasm was usually more celebrated than a woman’s. In some X-rated movies, the show will continue until the man reaches that point of pleasure and rarely do you see a female X-rated star having an orgasm. 

Another reason given for female sexual inhibition is that pornography and even romantic materials have given a false impression that a woman must have an orgasm at the same time a man is having one to further increase the pleasure and satisfaction. All these expectations set forth the reason many women fake orgasm to seem “normal” with their lover and also make him feel good about being able to please his women. 

Below are some reasons women have been faking orgasm for centuries.

She Has Been Conditioned to Believe Happy Endings Must Exist:



From the pornography materials where both the man and woman explodes from an earth shattering orgasm to the damaging novels that build an unrealistic sexual fantasy where the heroine gets to have an orgasm just from being kissed by the tall dark and handsome hero, women have been conditioned to believe every sexual experience must end with the woman exploding into body rolling orgasms. This accounts for low esteem in women who don’t get to experience both single and multiple orgasms with their partners. And so as not to seem “abnormal” to their lover, they will rather fake the experience to help their partner feel good.  Also, when there is a man on top of you who is three seconds away from shuddering into ecstasy, it would feel weird coupled with bruising his ego, to just lay there with a blank face, like you are reading a copy of Genevieve Magazine pasted on the ceiling. This results in the woman pretending to be having one. 

She Is Tired And Just Wants It To Be Over: 


While a lot of men can go hours grinding non-stop, women are known to lose interest after a set amount of time has lapsed, especially if she already knows she won’t be getting any big O from the lover on top.  Once she’s sure nothing is going to happen down there for her, all she wants is for this to be over. Once she reaches that decision to just take charge of the time and prevent you from helping her grow mosses below, guess who will be screaming alongside you (even louder to further hurry your a**e up) just to get you to roll off? Yeah, you guessed right. Like a lady recently shared on Facebook, once her clock is ten minutes past the time of sex initiation, and she’s still screaming like a banshee and dramatically, she is definitely faking it. She even admitted that her theatrics acts commences after 8 minutes. 

She Genuinely Likes You and Does Not Want to Turn You Off: 


Your woman understands you probably have a higher sex drive and ultimately wants to please you. She may be having a headache or low on cash or just generally in a bad mood but when it comes to your satisfaction, she is likely not going to want to disappoint.  That doesn’t mean she wants to spend longer time than necessary in bed with you, hence she may need to fake the big O so she can get back to nurturing those headaches or thinking up ways to save more money for the future. 
  

You Are a Newbie on the Block: 


If the relationship is new and you seem to meet all the checklist of a woman to get her to sleep with you, pleasuring you will be paramount and no use acting all weird and not having an orgasm with the new hottie she’s found. Except she is sexually inexperienced, the chances of a sexually experienced woman faking an orgasm with a new lover who she may have built a high sexual fantasy before the real deal, ranks higher especially if he meets up in other areas. She will simply hope that with time, he will get better. 

She’s Experienced in Faking Orgasm:


Women tend to be harder on themselves where orgasm is concerned. Women that have never experienced orgasm believe something is wrong with them.  As a result, they won’t want to draw attention to themselves and may resort in masturbation to relieve themselves while faking it with the lover. If a woman has been faking orgasms with past lovers, she won’t stop with you. Sometimes, it becomes psychological that during lovemaking, she stops concentrating on having an orgasm but rather on when exactly to release the incoming fake orgasm. 


IDENTIFYING A FAKE ORGASM  

              

Being able to identify when a woman has faked orgasm is actually quite easier than many men think and the signs below should guide you towards ensuring  she gets to the peak.

She Refuses to Make Out With You Very Often: If you spend 80% of your time convincing your woman to sleep with you, chances are high that you don't satisfy her much when you eventually do. Think about it this way, can you convince someone to come and enjoy something so good? Women who don't get satisfied at the end of the show will try and avoid having it as much as they can because they are just not in the mood to fake the big O.   

She Had No Contractions: When a woman is experiencing the big O, it’s expected that her inner muscles will contract sporadically and uncontrollably until the feeling lapses. This is when her inner pelvic muscles grips the man from within, intensifying the pleasure for the man. While some women may now be skilled in contracting muscles, an orgasmic contraction comes very frequent and isn’t too precise or timely. It takes a special set of skills to contract the inner muscles sporadically to fake an orgasm.

She Seems to Be Putting on a Show:  Real orgasms aren’t the sexiest nor when the woman should look composed. A woman in the throes of ecstasy has the most unusual expression and contortions on her face, making the most awkward sounds and panting loudly like an animal on heat. Not a cute moment so if she still looks so adorable and her face and actions seems very measured and composed while having an orgasm at the same time, it’s probably a very well-rehearsed orgasm that will put any top paid actress to shame. 

She Always Has an Orgasm at the Same Time You Did: While the romantic books and movies have convinced us that mutual orgasm is as common as air, this is a rare occurrence between couples in the real world. This can occur once or twice in sexually active couples who may over time master the art of having an orgasm together. However, if your woman has her orgasms exactly at the same time you have yours consistently for the many times you have made out, she is faking an orgasm to please you and get you to round off fast. 

She's Silent Afterwards: A sexually happy woman is like a Cheshire cat, beaming with smiles afterwards with a very shiny glow. If she isn’t shining and isn’t smiling nor looking at you like the best thing since peanut butter, she definitely didn’t have an orgasm. 

She Wasn't in a Right Frame of Mind: While a man’s orgasm can be purely physical, simply needing a release, a woman’s orgasm is tied to her emotional state of mind. A woman is unlikely to have an orgasm when she isn’t happy before engaging in sex. So if she’s climbing the bed with you despite being ill or unhappy, considering her state of mind at the moment you decide to make out, she will most likely not be having the big O that night.  Unlike men that can still think about sex during recession, once a woman’s emotions is in turmoil, her sexual drive turns off completely. That’s why we are always confused when you are still horny despite a very busy day. Won fi shey yin nii?

She Tells You to Try New Things: Okay, this is awkward.  So you may have been bumping and grinding with your woman for a while and you believe you know exactly the buttons to press to get her to sing joyfully. You are even sure exactly when to thrust deep to get her to have that earth shattering orgasm you now know too well. But one day, as you are about to attempt that position she loves so much and make your way down south, she starts issuing precise directions that contradicts all your expertise on making her sexually happy. Say Whaaaaat? Sir, this most likely means that she’s fed up with pretending it’s all good when it’s not. She has decided she wants a real orgasm this time and she’s determined to get it, even if it means putting you through like a retarded person. This is not the time for your ego to come all out and protest. Simply take orders. At least for you, there’s nothing like bad sex. Lucky you!

You Asked the Most Irritating Question Known to Women: If you had to ask her “Did/Have you come?” during the bump and grind or very well after getting back your voice and breath from the earth shattering orgasm YOU just had, then she definitely didn’t. When a woman has had an orgasm, you won’t need to ask. You will know. 


The Way out…..

Women too quit relationships when the sex is bad or simply turn off completely from sex sessions that have refused to improve. And the more experienced she is, the higher the unlikelihood of having interest in nurturing a novice in bed. All these are not reasons to get upset and huff and puff. Understand that at some point, a high percentage of sexually experienced women have faked an orgasm and will fake one. And the longer you last in bed, the higher the chances of having partners that will at some point fake it with you to get you off. The best way to help a woman reach the big O is to ask questions. Don’t assume you know a woman’s body. Women get bored too and not just the men. We are just more conscious of our body counts. Your booty slaps may have worked last week and the ear sucking treatment you gave her as foreplay (whadahell is that sir?) may have curled her toes three years ago, but her mood right now will determine what she wants and how she wants it so you have to ask. Let her lead you to her G-spot.

A lot of men assume being big down there is enough to send a woman into automated orgasm. Lol. Having a big D is NOT enough. It’s like having a sophisticated toolbox but totally inexperienced in manual activities. It’s useless either way. Be in tune with her. Ask questions and seek directions. You won’t die if you open your mouth to ask questions. Follow her touches. Wherever she touches you, imitate the moves. Women tend to touch their partners exactly the way they will like to be touched.

Treat her like you will treat your iPhone or Range Rover Sport 2018 model when newly bought and less like your 14 years old “I better pass my neighbor generator” and the rewards will be higher for you.


Wednesday, November 16, 2016

9 Tricks to Becoming an Overnight Instagram Celebrity

SENSITIVE POST ALERT: If you are not a lover of sarcasm, do not speak sarcasm, cannot comprehend the subtle language of sarcasm or discern sarcasm even if it drops on your face, close this post page asap. It's not for you.




Forget what anyone might have told you when growing up that you can’t make it. I’m here to tell you that with Trump as the next president of America, yes, you too can!  Forget what your teacher and neighbor told your parents! Gone are the days when an intellectual brain and complex brilliant mind were actually needed to succeed or attain any significant position in life. Nah, not anymore. 

That record was broken weeks back by somebody everyone thought couldn’t. Now, all you need to focus your pretty/handsome little mind towards is presenting your best boobs cassava foot forward.  A million people somewhere don’t care about your intellectual achievement or actual talent, they just want a sneak peek into your fake controversial beautiful private self. And the juicier you make your private life, the higher your chances on being on the same level with Dangote and Otedola within a few months.

Thank me later on these tips on increasing your following and becoming a gangster Instagram celeb overnight!


PHOTO-PLASTIC SURGERY:


Yasss! If you are going to be important very soon, then know this! No one cares about your brown fading walls or your ugly background, intellectual achievement or your school grades or pretty smiles taken at the entrance of a public transport. On social media, many people are disconnected from unbothered with reality. If you want a large pool of following, you cannot afford to be real! Real people are for Facebook, Medium, The Muse, Channels News, Business Insider, The Punch Newspapers and Huffington post. 

For Instagram, all you need is something shallow, the faker the better. How good are you with Photoshop? How surreal can you make your looks get? Can you Photoshop your way into oblivion?  On Instagram, you have to understand that there are only 5 major ways to gather instant fame and attention to yourself; be photoshopily extremely beautiful, be extremely rich, be extremely ugly, be extremely controversial, or be a meme. 

You have to be extreme. Average looks or Instagram attitude won’t get you likes. If you were not created on a Monday morning after God was fully rested, biko Photoshop to the rescue. You must NEVER slip. You gotta look like an angel/a mini god EVERY TIME. Your famous life prospect depends on it.


LOOK LIKE A JET HOPPER:


Oh! Nobody told you this one? You think you can be famous by taking 83 selfies in your kitchen or at Quilox? Nah, goan ask your seniors. You gotta travel baby! Well, or at least, look like you are travelling around the world (I know good Photoshop designers that can help should you want one sha). This is another way to increase your followership o. The average Nigerian is angry with everything and everyone. 

So if you are seen as a traveler, jumping from one local community country to another, two things may likely occur: a) get people who genuinely aspire to be a traveler like you to follow you out of reverence like I did for Kemi Onabanjo weeks back b) get disgruntled, angry, jealous, hateful, vicious people to see how happy and successful you are while they are struggling and follow you to throw you vicious and jealous comments on your looseness and how not sitting down in one place will affect your future spouse and make them cheat on you. Do you care! Followership is followership jere.

A lot of people cannot afford vacation due to this recession but if people like you bring these exotic images to them through your fake pictures, they will hate to follow you but follow you, they will. But you have to be strategic too. You can put up a picture of a lady or guy’s back view that shares your slim or plus size stature and update as “Maldives” or “Greece”. Don’t say anything. It’s not you and you know it’s not you. But your blind followers don’t know. And it’s not as if you lied. You just used a picture. Na them assume wrongly. You know in Naija, a lot should have been named Assumpta from birth. We are quite good at putting two and two together and coming up with 48.


THE MORE WE ARE, THE MERRIER:


Now, you need actual brains skills to achieve this. Goan ask the relationship advice pages how they do it.  Start simple. Can you really argue with numbers? Who dares? Create as many fake IG handle and friends as you want and just start adding them to your total register. You can take a day or two off work for this as you need concentration and time to achieve this. Your bosses should be able to understand. If they don’t, fling your resignation letter in their faces. 

You are on your way to kicking Omotola and Rihanna out of the famous picture. At least, if you become famous, who else will enjoy the benefit of an occasional mention than them! Who wants to question you? Who is their father? Is someone going to question your cool factor if you have 85,912 friends (and counting!). Plus, you get to give names to all of those fake friends which sounds like a lot of fun. Nah, stop thanking me jor. Who needs brains for this one!



COPY AND PASTE:



Ha, since you are a Photoshop expert by now, misrepresenting things with fake good images, this should be too easy for you. Take a cue from these bloggers that regurgitate fake news the same thing on their blogs.  To get that totally LOL-worthy or deep status update from your incredibly fake large following, don’t stress your photo shopped self, just "copy and paste." I mean, who will find out? 

The Internet is a big place for the fool and the brilliant everyone so it's probably unlikely anyone will ever find out that very deep quote you attached to your cassava or size 38 bum isn’t yours but Adolf Hitler. I mean, even if they find out, what are they going to do? Call the family of the original owner or Google it and see who actually said it? I mean, what’s not to believe? Wait, are they still reading the quote despite the tiny huge cassava you just shared? What’s wrong with people!!! 



CHECK IN AWESOMENESS:


I’m surprised you haven’t thought of this o. Do you know how much your bride or groom price will increase if your check in status says “Boat Club” or “Burj Al Arab Towers” or even “Aso Rock”? As in, do you really? You think it’s all those small places like Shoprite, Spar, Club 57, and Hard Rock Café that will ginger people to follow you? All those places with free entrances, kpsheew. 

Can't afford the fancy new restaurant in town? Just stand near the doorway entrance so you can check in without ever having to pay for a meal. I mean, as long as your social media proves you were "there," that's all that matters. You better up your fake life to an awesome 100% fakeness level by checking in to places that will make daft followers anyone follow you. Up your check in game biko. Abi, was it not someone that said “Fake it till you make it”? 



BECOME A MEME:



Now this is the kind of fame dreams are made of! I’m even already excited on your behalf. As in your ugly face will be EVERYWHERE! You will be an internet hero. You can call home and tell mama and papa that you finally made it. Bose and Wasiu that mocked you when you told them to watch out for you are about to get it! 

Just imagine- Instablog, WestAfrikanMan, UrbanYooba, Funny African Pics, Lailasblog, Chinnysblog, Linda Ikeji (Linda will put you up sha if your meme is controversial and scandalous enough) using your meme and thousands of vitriolic comments. And if you are lucky, even Kanye West, Rihanna or Eminem will use it. My dear, you have arrived!



BE SCARCE!



Ever heard the phrase, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Ghen ghen, this is what you need to apply to increase your fake celeb status. Be as sparse as possible. Be scarce. Be very flighty. Comment on only a few status updates by friends even if you used to beg them for clothes and cash sometimes. Who will know? 

Since you are way too busy flying around and mastering the art of Photoshop to comment on everyone’s status, select one or two friends and provide very short comments such as, “Nice!” or “Wawuu!” or “Makes sense”. You can even drop one comment bi-monthly so that by the time you drop a line, people will resign from their jobs, jump off the 3rd mainland bridge or even break up with their significant partner because a whole celeb like you commented on their pages. 

If you are very good, some may even print out and laminate to show their grand-kids. Apply same to likes too. At least, get to like a post once in a year. The sparser, the higher your chances of making it fast!



WRITE SMART STATUS UPDATES:



Ok, maybe I gave you an impression you may not need absent brains but you know how to Google right? So that’s good enough. Just search for deep and intense quotes on Google, upload one of your best photo shopped image on Instagram, but so as not to look so vain showing your only assets, insert that deep quote you just stole saw on Google and gbam! You are done. 

I mean, just imagine using an image of your neighbor’s range rover, your well curvy hips and size 38 chest or your 3 inches cassava with the quote “Life is a journey that begins with a step” or “Too many people spend money they don’t have. To buy things they don’t want, to impress people that don’t give a s**t they don’t like.” 

Do you know how crazy and in love your fans followers will be? Things are about to get lit! And sometimes, you may be lucky and Alibaba or Dele Momodu will repost if you are wearing a purple or red dress. My brother/sister, your village people were wrong! You made it!

Welcome to 2016!