Thursday, December 29, 2016

60 New Things I’ve Discovered About Myself at 21 years




I recently announced my age on my social media channels and trust friends and foe to come out in their full regalia and paraphernalia to contest, deny, challenge and counter my declared age and without any birth certificate proof.

Is it your age?

That’s by the way. I will admit that as I age, my morbidity level keeps rising and sees me asking myself within the privacy of my thoughts: Will I still be alive by this time next year? That is the most potent question I always ask myself every December 29th. We see lots of young people falling off the line daily due to one reason or the other and we are forced to ask why them and thanking God we are spared.  

Most times, when I wake on my birthday, I always start off moody and today was no exception. I had woken around 1:00am and to combat the mood I woke with, I played around on my phone with Candy Crush Saga for 3 hours while nursing some mundane thoughts on whether I had achieved all I had personally set to achieve from the previous year’s birthday. The answer was a resounding no. But I was glad I was still able to achieve some.

And as  I unarguably age gracefully like fine wine, I keep re-discovering new things about myself and hopefully will get people to understand my weirdness, aloofness and occasional queer habits.



1. I hate small talks.

2. The older I get, the less I now need approval for anything I say or do.

3. My temper is still very hot.

4. I get bored easily.

5. I don’t like unintelligent people. And yes, I am still an intellectual snob.

6. I am very comfortable being alone for hours and undisturbed. I discovered my daughter has inherited this from me.

7. I dislike talkative people.

8. There is power in silence and it’s a mantra I go by daily.

9. If I have my earpiece on, I don’t like being spoken to.

10. I hate people who feel the need to touch you when they want to talk to you.

11. I am very ambitious.

12. Loyalty means everything to me.

13. I don’t forgive easily.

14. I can smell b**s**t even if it’s clothed in the most expensive Jimmy Choos or Tims.

15. I became more tolerant of children after I became a mum.

16. I always know more than I will ever admit.

17. I have a very rotten mind.

18. I am a very shy person

19. I am extremely confident.

20. Domestic violence gets my blood boiling.

21. If I ever catch a criminal that has caused bodily harm or fatal injury to someone I love, I doubt I will hand him/her over to the police immediately. Or ever…..

22. I cry when watching emotional movies

23. Secrets shared with me are safer than a bank’s vault

24. I’m a Ruth Abokoku

25. Family is everything to me

26. I have very few friends

27. I still don’t know how to twerk

28. I still snore when I sleep

29. Recruitment process in Nigeria is very messed up and needs a serious overhaul.

30. Many graduates in Nigeria are unemployable

31. Life is never going to be fair to people afraid of taking risks.

32. I invest a lot of time in reading.

33. I still do not attend parties I’m not directly invited to.

34. I’ve learned to do what will make me happy.

35. The width of my circle of friends is proportionate to the level of my bulls**t intolerance.

36. I don’t like a lot of people.

37. I like Toke Makinwa, Tiwa Savage and Arese Agwu.

38. I still have OCD.

39. I’m a jack of all trades and master of none.

40. Even at this age, I still don’t know which of my passions to focus on.

41. I’m afraid of accidental deaths. If I’m going to pass away, I would like to go quietly in my sleep and without drama.

42. I wish I’d studied Engineering or Medicine. I still insist I have the brains for it.

43. As I got older, I became more tolerant of people’s Idiosyncrasies.

44. I never thought it would happen, but I can’t keep up. with the latest songs, artists or what’s on the radio.

45. I have too many interests and passions. I want to take tech classes, enroll for Aptech, NIIT, nutrition classes, dance classes, you name it.

46. I worry a lot. When anyone is travelling by road or air, I’m partly scared they will have an accident and I will never see them again.

47. I have an over-dramatic imagination.

48. I don’t believe in soul mates or love at first sight and believe any relationship or marriage devoid of love can still thrive as long as there's respect and friendship.

49. I still don’t know my size of bra.

50. I’m actually not married to someone I can disrespect. Ever.

51. I’m a blind bat at night

52. I still don’t know how I ended up with my life partner. We are like poles apart. Whatever you think of me, he is the exact opposite

53. I think my daughter already prefers Hubby to me.

54. Everything you may have read about Capricorns, I am a true representation

55. I’ve never left the shores of the country due to extreme lack of interest and fear of plane capsizing into the ocean. I also get bored easily so sitting on a flight for more than 6 hours is non-appealing right now.

56. I wish I could be more candid on my blog but I’m kinda wary of offending people.

57. I get really upset when I see nasty messages and comments aimed at celebrities and popular figures.

58. I actually like President Buhari and believe he has the interest of Nigeria at heart but is misguided and his orientation to conflict resolution is outdated

59. I judge people’s intelligence based on their understanding of the language of sarcasm

60. I’m the least-jealous person in the world.

61. I worry way too much about stuff. It is still my worst quality and I hate it.

62. I hate any form of shopping.

63. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life per se.
             

If you noticed I shared more than 60 or still contesting the authenticity of my age,
you really need to get laid.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Did You Really Give Her An Orgasm?

Long Read Alert: This post was stemmed from a recent discussion with two female acquaintances who admitted they had never experienced orgasm pre and post marriage. Up to 7 sexually experienced women’s opinion were sought to complete this article. 




2 out of 5 women would have faked an orgasm at some point with a current or past lover at least once. 

Awwn don’t look too shocked. See it like infidelity, many hate it but has that stopped it? 

The rise of orgasm pretense amongst women has increased due to certain expectations set by society on what a woman is expected to give in a relationship- absolutely everything she was born and nurtured with. You see posts that celebrate men more than women- coaches, pastors, Imams, parents coaching the females on how to “keep” a man and their home and things to do to "hold" a man's interest. You rarely see posts that tell men how to keep a woman and when you do, you have men quick to remind women on the scarcity of men and the need to better “behave o” and stop seeking qualities only Jesus have.

Until recent years, most relationship books and advice basically focused more on women pleasing men. Even pornography materials created sexual scenes where a man’s orgasm was usually more celebrated than a woman’s. In some X-rated movies, the show will continue until the man reaches that point of pleasure and rarely do you see a female X-rated star having an orgasm. 

Another reason given for female sexual inhibition is that pornography and even romantic materials have given a false impression that a woman must have an orgasm at the same time a man is having one to further increase the pleasure and satisfaction. All these expectations set forth the reason many women fake orgasm to seem “normal” with their lover and also make him feel good about being able to please his women. 

Below are some reasons women have been faking orgasm for centuries.

She Has Been Conditioned to Believe Happy Endings Must Exist:



From the pornography materials where both the man and woman explodes from an earth shattering orgasm to the damaging novels that build an unrealistic sexual fantasy where the heroine gets to have an orgasm just from being kissed by the tall dark and handsome hero, women have been conditioned to believe every sexual experience must end with the woman exploding into body rolling orgasms. This accounts for low esteem in women who don’t get to experience both single and multiple orgasms with their partners. And so as not to seem “abnormal” to their lover, they will rather fake the experience to help their partner feel good.  Also, when there is a man on top of you who is three seconds away from shuddering into ecstasy, it would feel weird coupled with bruising his ego, to just lay there with a blank face, like you are reading a copy of Genevieve Magazine pasted on the ceiling. This results in the woman pretending to be having one. 

She Is Tired And Just Wants It To Be Over: 


While a lot of men can go hours grinding non-stop, women are known to lose interest after a set amount of time has lapsed, especially if she already knows she won’t be getting any big O from the lover on top.  Once she’s sure nothing is going to happen down there for her, all she wants is for this to be over. Once she reaches that decision to just take charge of the time and prevent you from helping her grow mosses below, guess who will be screaming alongside you (even louder to further hurry your a**e up) just to get you to roll off? Yeah, you guessed right. Like a lady recently shared on Facebook, once her clock is ten minutes past the time of sex initiation, and she’s still screaming like a banshee and dramatically, she is definitely faking it. She even admitted that her theatrics acts commences after 8 minutes. 

She Genuinely Likes You and Does Not Want to Turn You Off: 


Your woman understands you probably have a higher sex drive and ultimately wants to please you. She may be having a headache or low on cash or just generally in a bad mood but when it comes to your satisfaction, she is likely not going to want to disappoint.  That doesn’t mean she wants to spend longer time than necessary in bed with you, hence she may need to fake the big O so she can get back to nurturing those headaches or thinking up ways to save more money for the future. 
  

You Are a Newbie on the Block: 


If the relationship is new and you seem to meet all the checklist of a woman to get her to sleep with you, pleasuring you will be paramount and no use acting all weird and not having an orgasm with the new hottie she’s found. Except she is sexually inexperienced, the chances of a sexually experienced woman faking an orgasm with a new lover who she may have built a high sexual fantasy before the real deal, ranks higher especially if he meets up in other areas. She will simply hope that with time, he will get better. 

She’s Experienced in Faking Orgasm:


Women tend to be harder on themselves where orgasm is concerned. Women that have never experienced orgasm believe something is wrong with them.  As a result, they won’t want to draw attention to themselves and may resort in masturbation to relieve themselves while faking it with the lover. If a woman has been faking orgasms with past lovers, she won’t stop with you. Sometimes, it becomes psychological that during lovemaking, she stops concentrating on having an orgasm but rather on when exactly to release the incoming fake orgasm. 


IDENTIFYING A FAKE ORGASM  

              

Being able to identify when a woman has faked orgasm is actually quite easier than many men think and the signs below should guide you towards ensuring  she gets to the peak.

She Refuses to Make Out With You Very Often: If you spend 80% of your time convincing your woman to sleep with you, chances are high that you don't satisfy her much when you eventually do. Think about it this way, can you convince someone to come and enjoy something so good? Women who don't get satisfied at the end of the show will try and avoid having it as much as they can because they are just not in the mood to fake the big O.   

She Had No Contractions: When a woman is experiencing the big O, it’s expected that her inner muscles will contract sporadically and uncontrollably until the feeling lapses. This is when her inner pelvic muscles grips the man from within, intensifying the pleasure for the man. While some women may now be skilled in contracting muscles, an orgasmic contraction comes very frequent and isn’t too precise or timely. It takes a special set of skills to contract the inner muscles sporadically to fake an orgasm.

She Seems to Be Putting on a Show:  Real orgasms aren’t the sexiest nor when the woman should look composed. A woman in the throes of ecstasy has the most unusual expression and contortions on her face, making the most awkward sounds and panting loudly like an animal on heat. Not a cute moment so if she still looks so adorable and her face and actions seems very measured and composed while having an orgasm at the same time, it’s probably a very well-rehearsed orgasm that will put any top paid actress to shame. 

She Always Has an Orgasm at the Same Time You Did: While the romantic books and movies have convinced us that mutual orgasm is as common as air, this is a rare occurrence between couples in the real world. This can occur once or twice in sexually active couples who may over time master the art of having an orgasm together. However, if your woman has her orgasms exactly at the same time you have yours consistently for the many times you have made out, she is faking an orgasm to please you and get you to round off fast. 

She's Silent Afterwards: A sexually happy woman is like a Cheshire cat, beaming with smiles afterwards with a very shiny glow. If she isn’t shining and isn’t smiling nor looking at you like the best thing since peanut butter, she definitely didn’t have an orgasm. 

She Wasn't in a Right Frame of Mind: While a man’s orgasm can be purely physical, simply needing a release, a woman’s orgasm is tied to her emotional state of mind. A woman is unlikely to have an orgasm when she isn’t happy before engaging in sex. So if she’s climbing the bed with you despite being ill or unhappy, considering her state of mind at the moment you decide to make out, she will most likely not be having the big O that night.  Unlike men that can still think about sex during recession, once a woman’s emotions is in turmoil, her sexual drive turns off completely. That’s why we are always confused when you are still horny despite a very busy day. Won fi shey yin nii?

She Tells You to Try New Things: Okay, this is awkward.  So you may have been bumping and grinding with your woman for a while and you believe you know exactly the buttons to press to get her to sing joyfully. You are even sure exactly when to thrust deep to get her to have that earth shattering orgasm you now know too well. But one day, as you are about to attempt that position she loves so much and make your way down south, she starts issuing precise directions that contradicts all your expertise on making her sexually happy. Say Whaaaaat? Sir, this most likely means that she’s fed up with pretending it’s all good when it’s not. She has decided she wants a real orgasm this time and she’s determined to get it, even if it means putting you through like a retarded person. This is not the time for your ego to come all out and protest. Simply take orders. At least for you, there’s nothing like bad sex. Lucky you!

You Asked the Most Irritating Question Known to Women: If you had to ask her “Did/Have you come?” during the bump and grind or very well after getting back your voice and breath from the earth shattering orgasm YOU just had, then she definitely didn’t. When a woman has had an orgasm, you won’t need to ask. You will know. 


The Way out…..

Women too quit relationships when the sex is bad or simply turn off completely from sex sessions that have refused to improve. And the more experienced she is, the higher the unlikelihood of having interest in nurturing a novice in bed. All these are not reasons to get upset and huff and puff. Understand that at some point, a high percentage of sexually experienced women have faked an orgasm and will fake one. And the longer you last in bed, the higher the chances of having partners that will at some point fake it with you to get you off. The best way to help a woman reach the big O is to ask questions. Don’t assume you know a woman’s body. Women get bored too and not just the men. We are just more conscious of our body counts. Your booty slaps may have worked last week and the ear sucking treatment you gave her as foreplay (whadahell is that sir?) may have curled her toes three years ago, but her mood right now will determine what she wants and how she wants it so you have to ask. Let her lead you to her G-spot.

A lot of men assume being big down there is enough to send a woman into automated orgasm. Lol. Having a big D is NOT enough. It’s like having a sophisticated toolbox but totally inexperienced in manual activities. It’s useless either way. Be in tune with her. Ask questions and seek directions. You won’t die if you open your mouth to ask questions. Follow her touches. Wherever she touches you, imitate the moves. Women tend to touch their partners exactly the way they will like to be touched.

Treat her like you will treat your iPhone or Range Rover Sport 2018 model when newly bought and less like your 14 years old “I better pass my neighbor generator” and the rewards will be higher for you.


Wednesday, November 16, 2016

9 Tricks to Becoming an Overnight Instagram Celebrity

SENSITIVE POST ALERT: If you are not a lover of sarcasm, do not speak sarcasm, cannot comprehend the subtle language of sarcasm or discern sarcasm even if it drops on your face, close this post page asap. It's not for you.




Forget what anyone might have told you when growing up that you can’t make it. I’m here to tell you that with Trump as the next president of America, yes, you too can!  Forget what your teacher and neighbor told your parents! Gone are the days when an intellectual brain and complex brilliant mind were actually needed to succeed or attain any significant position in life. Nah, not anymore. 

That record was broken weeks back by somebody everyone thought couldn’t. Now, all you need to focus your pretty/handsome little mind towards is presenting your best boobs cassava foot forward.  A million people somewhere don’t care about your intellectual achievement or actual talent, they just want a sneak peek into your fake controversial beautiful private self. And the juicier you make your private life, the higher your chances on being on the same level with Dangote and Otedola within a few months.

Thank me later on these tips on increasing your following and becoming a gangster Instagram celeb overnight!


PHOTO-PLASTIC SURGERY:


Yasss! If you are going to be important very soon, then know this! No one cares about your brown fading walls or your ugly background, intellectual achievement or your school grades or pretty smiles taken at the entrance of a public transport. On social media, many people are disconnected from unbothered with reality. If you want a large pool of following, you cannot afford to be real! Real people are for Facebook, Medium, The Muse, Channels News, Business Insider, The Punch Newspapers and Huffington post. 

For Instagram, all you need is something shallow, the faker the better. How good are you with Photoshop? How surreal can you make your looks get? Can you Photoshop your way into oblivion?  On Instagram, you have to understand that there are only 5 major ways to gather instant fame and attention to yourself; be photoshopily extremely beautiful, be extremely rich, be extremely ugly, be extremely controversial, or be a meme. 

You have to be extreme. Average looks or Instagram attitude won’t get you likes. If you were not created on a Monday morning after God was fully rested, biko Photoshop to the rescue. You must NEVER slip. You gotta look like an angel/a mini god EVERY TIME. Your famous life prospect depends on it.


LOOK LIKE A JET HOPPER:


Oh! Nobody told you this one? You think you can be famous by taking 83 selfies in your kitchen or at Quilox? Nah, goan ask your seniors. You gotta travel baby! Well, or at least, look like you are travelling around the world (I know good Photoshop designers that can help should you want one sha). This is another way to increase your followership o. The average Nigerian is angry with everything and everyone. 

So if you are seen as a traveler, jumping from one local community country to another, two things may likely occur: a) get people who genuinely aspire to be a traveler like you to follow you out of reverence like I did for Kemi Onabanjo weeks back b) get disgruntled, angry, jealous, hateful, vicious people to see how happy and successful you are while they are struggling and follow you to throw you vicious and jealous comments on your looseness and how not sitting down in one place will affect your future spouse and make them cheat on you. Do you care! Followership is followership jere.

A lot of people cannot afford vacation due to this recession but if people like you bring these exotic images to them through your fake pictures, they will hate to follow you but follow you, they will. But you have to be strategic too. You can put up a picture of a lady or guy’s back view that shares your slim or plus size stature and update as “Maldives” or “Greece”. Don’t say anything. It’s not you and you know it’s not you. But your blind followers don’t know. And it’s not as if you lied. You just used a picture. Na them assume wrongly. You know in Naija, a lot should have been named Assumpta from birth. We are quite good at putting two and two together and coming up with 48.


THE MORE WE ARE, THE MERRIER:


Now, you need actual brains skills to achieve this. Goan ask the relationship advice pages how they do it.  Start simple. Can you really argue with numbers? Who dares? Create as many fake IG handle and friends as you want and just start adding them to your total register. You can take a day or two off work for this as you need concentration and time to achieve this. Your bosses should be able to understand. If they don’t, fling your resignation letter in their faces. 

You are on your way to kicking Omotola and Rihanna out of the famous picture. At least, if you become famous, who else will enjoy the benefit of an occasional mention than them! Who wants to question you? Who is their father? Is someone going to question your cool factor if you have 85,912 friends (and counting!). Plus, you get to give names to all of those fake friends which sounds like a lot of fun. Nah, stop thanking me jor. Who needs brains for this one!



COPY AND PASTE:



Ha, since you are a Photoshop expert by now, misrepresenting things with fake good images, this should be too easy for you. Take a cue from these bloggers that regurgitate fake news the same thing on their blogs.  To get that totally LOL-worthy or deep status update from your incredibly fake large following, don’t stress your photo shopped self, just "copy and paste." I mean, who will find out? 

The Internet is a big place for the fool and the brilliant everyone so it's probably unlikely anyone will ever find out that very deep quote you attached to your cassava or size 38 bum isn’t yours but Adolf Hitler. I mean, even if they find out, what are they going to do? Call the family of the original owner or Google it and see who actually said it? I mean, what’s not to believe? Wait, are they still reading the quote despite the tiny huge cassava you just shared? What’s wrong with people!!! 



CHECK IN AWESOMENESS:


I’m surprised you haven’t thought of this o. Do you know how much your bride or groom price will increase if your check in status says “Boat Club” or “Burj Al Arab Towers” or even “Aso Rock”? As in, do you really? You think it’s all those small places like Shoprite, Spar, Club 57, and Hard Rock Café that will ginger people to follow you? All those places with free entrances, kpsheew. 

Can't afford the fancy new restaurant in town? Just stand near the doorway entrance so you can check in without ever having to pay for a meal. I mean, as long as your social media proves you were "there," that's all that matters. You better up your fake life to an awesome 100% fakeness level by checking in to places that will make daft followers anyone follow you. Up your check in game biko. Abi, was it not someone that said “Fake it till you make it”? 



BECOME A MEME:



Now this is the kind of fame dreams are made of! I’m even already excited on your behalf. As in your ugly face will be EVERYWHERE! You will be an internet hero. You can call home and tell mama and papa that you finally made it. Bose and Wasiu that mocked you when you told them to watch out for you are about to get it! 

Just imagine- Instablog, WestAfrikanMan, UrbanYooba, Funny African Pics, Lailasblog, Chinnysblog, Linda Ikeji (Linda will put you up sha if your meme is controversial and scandalous enough) using your meme and thousands of vitriolic comments. And if you are lucky, even Kanye West, Rihanna or Eminem will use it. My dear, you have arrived!



BE SCARCE!



Ever heard the phrase, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Ghen ghen, this is what you need to apply to increase your fake celeb status. Be as sparse as possible. Be scarce. Be very flighty. Comment on only a few status updates by friends even if you used to beg them for clothes and cash sometimes. Who will know? 

Since you are way too busy flying around and mastering the art of Photoshop to comment on everyone’s status, select one or two friends and provide very short comments such as, “Nice!” or “Wawuu!” or “Makes sense”. You can even drop one comment bi-monthly so that by the time you drop a line, people will resign from their jobs, jump off the 3rd mainland bridge or even break up with their significant partner because a whole celeb like you commented on their pages. 

If you are very good, some may even print out and laminate to show their grand-kids. Apply same to likes too. At least, get to like a post once in a year. The sparser, the higher your chances of making it fast!



WRITE SMART STATUS UPDATES:



Ok, maybe I gave you an impression you may not need absent brains but you know how to Google right? So that’s good enough. Just search for deep and intense quotes on Google, upload one of your best photo shopped image on Instagram, but so as not to look so vain showing your only assets, insert that deep quote you just stole saw on Google and gbam! You are done. 

I mean, just imagine using an image of your neighbor’s range rover, your well curvy hips and size 38 chest or your 3 inches cassava with the quote “Life is a journey that begins with a step” or “Too many people spend money they don’t have. To buy things they don’t want, to impress people that don’t give a s**t they don’t like.” 

Do you know how crazy and in love your fans followers will be? Things are about to get lit! And sometimes, you may be lucky and Alibaba or Dele Momodu will repost if you are wearing a purple or red dress. My brother/sister, your village people were wrong! You made it!

Welcome to 2016!









Friday, July 15, 2016

What If I had Married Dino Melaye?


2 days ago, we woke up to news that a so called distinguished senator in the Nigerian senate had threatened Remi Tinubu, a female senator and wife of the infamous Yoruba land warrior,the Asiwaju of Asiwajus, the great Lion of Bourdillon, the undisputed Jagaban of the West, Bola Ahmed Tinubu, with rape and physical harm.

Ori bobo Melaye yii ti yi o 

According to Sahara Reporters, his exact words were “Look this is not Bourdillon (the Lagos residence of Mrs. Tinubu’s politician husband, APC National Leader Ahmed Bola Tinubu). I will beat you up...impregnate you and nothing will happen.”

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Like the strong feminist or even human being that I am, I took to my social media handles to condemn the statement, advising her husband and other APC senators not to take it likely.




The statement and counter statements in the press made me start to think about Dino Melaye’s ex, the current wife that dared to marry a man accused of violence in marriage but is now facing same violence, and the many other women that probably dodged the marriage bullet that is Dino Melaye.

Hubby had repeatedly asked me this question over and over again, ‘why did you choose to marry me?”

And for every time he had asked that question, I’ve never been able to give him the exact answer he might probably have been hoping to hear. This is not because I don’t know but simply because the reasons are so many that I’ve never been able to put into exact words why I chose to marry someone that is like the total contrast to me.




However, despite not having words to explain why it was him and not Denzel Washington, Idris Elba, RMD or God forbid, the Dino Melayes’ that were in the pipeline back then, I always get reminded why I chose him every time we had a fight.

Hubby has a trait that is an overall blessing for me as his spouse and well, other piss takers- he doesn’t know how to keep malice nor stay angry for long.

I don’t know how he does it but keeping grudges is for him, very impossible. I have had cases where he comes home very upset because a friend or group of persons had pissed him off and being my passionate self, I would get angry along with him to show my support and solidarity.

Hubby: *walks into the house vividly upset and fuming* Can you freaking imagine? They said *********. Who f****ing does that?
Me:
He/She is crazy. Gbogbo won ti ya were. Who do they think they are? Shebi I told you that ******* (I’m a loyalist to the core. When you hurt mine, I’m hurt as well)
Me: *visits Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Yahoo, Hotmail, Hi5, BB,MySpace and blocks the person(s) from all my pages for getting my boo pissed off*
Hubby: *coming out of the room same day and laughing as he ends a call* I’m going out this evening dear
Me: Oh ok. Where?
Hubby: Myself and ***** and ***** want to hang out for a drink. Then from there get to ****’s house.
Me: *pauses the TV and gently puts baby on the floor in confusion* I don’t understand. Ko ye mi. Are those not the people we are fighting with?
Hubby: Oh yeah, we've sorted it out. We've ended it. So they are taking me out for a drink.
Me: * lost for words and things to say and looks at the phone where I just blocked these people & back at the annoyingly gregarious and forgiving-at-heart Boo*
Me: *What kind of husband is this nitori olorun? Someone cannot even initiate war on his behalf*



Someone cannot even slap soldier on his behalf.
Me?

Hian! I can stay angry for decades. All I need to do is come across anything that will remind me of what got me angry in the first place to renew the anger for another calendar year.

And malice? Puleeeeze, I went to a boarding school. Keeping malice was part of a boarding school’s curriculum.

Which explains the contrast in character. While Hubby is swift to forgive, in fact he can’t stay angry for more than a few hours, I on the other hand, can take centuries to even think of revisiting what got me angry in the first place not to talk of forgiving.

Forgiving may happen after my future last child last born’s graduation, but forgetting is not of this world.

In the early stage of our relationship, Hubby and I laid down some rules and guidelines that we both had to follow during a fight. We are both strong-willed and hot-tempered so we envisaged that there will be lots of argument. And since we each still wanted to be the partner that will raise the other’s blood pressure for a long time, we decided to introduce some civility into our forecasted quarrels.

1) No name calling.
2) No swearing. (This has actually now been overtaken by events as we now both can’t get though a sentence without at least saying "wtf". Iz kuku the economy)
3) No abuse.
4) No sarcasm. (This was for me specifically. The angrier i am, the greater my sarcasm)
5) No saying “it’s over, I’m done” because of a fight.
6) No reporting to another party.
7) No recalling of past deeds in new fights. Treat every fight as a fresh one.
8) It's not what you say but how you say it so language usage and agbekale oro is key.
9) No dropping of calls on the other party in anger.
10) No walking out on the other person.
11) No eating out of the house or refusing to eat because one is angry(it's only in my home that Hubby will be upset but i will still get to cook 3 times daily)
12) No sleeping out of the room or from the house because of a fight.

13) Only one person can be angry during a fight. The other has to remain calm.

Suffice to say that these rules helped put civility in our fights. In fact, with these rules, only very few people could tell when we were fighting as it was usually a very hilarious few days after we’ve had one fight or the other.



Us before a fight. Insert any yori yori or Adekule Gold's song here 


US BEFORE A FIGHT-
Me: *slight back rub* Morning Baby
Hubby: Morning dear
Me: Have a nice day darling. Love you
Hubby: Love you too
Me: Shey you will eat potatoes and sauce this evening?
Hubby: Bless you dear. Yes I will.
Me: Hey, welcome hon!
Hubby: Thanks my love
Me: Nanite baby *kisses*
Hubby: Nite hon

#yimu

US DURING A FIGHT

Me: *calls his sunaah name in a loud voice while standing close to the door* Come and move your car. I’m going
Hubby: *climbs out of bed silently with a stony face*
Me: *drives out of the compound without a sound*
Me after work: Good evening
Hubby: *slightly stony face* Evening. I bought bread and milk and eggs for the house
Me: *yimu accompanied by a smirk*. Thanks
Me: *enters the kitchen and prepares whatever I gaddem want to prepare. Iyalaya anybody that will not eat it*
Hubby: Thank you
Me: *Carries baby and enters the room silently. It's a global knowledge that when a woman fights with her spouse, the baby/kids automatically become the best friend(s) and most trusted confidant(s) during the duration of fight. *
Hubby: *climbs into bed and turns to the other side after putting a throw pillow in between*
Me: *already snoring while thinking "you flatter yourself"*

Awwwn my soulmate. Insert any Celine Dion's track here

DAYS AFTER THE FIGHT
Hubby: Morning Dear
Me: Morning you
Hubby: You didn’t sleep well. What happened?
Me: *playing to the gallery as I always do this whenever we fight*. I have this pain in my back and neck and head *desperately searching for all the sympathy I could lay my hands on*
Hubby: Pele, shey you will go to the hospital?
Me: No need. I will manage. Thanks dear
Hubby: Or do you want to call in sick and I should stay with you?
Me: No need. Thanks dear. Shey you will eat stir fried noodles with diced eggs tonight?
Hubby: *has a goofy smile on face that foodies generally have when asked anything related to food* Thanks love. I’ll appreciate.

And that was how Fight 25 in year 2016 was completed and closed.


Oya movie has ended
Because of the rules we had set, the only way we could express our anger was usually through stony silences, subtle attitudes and reduced selflessness (mostly from me. Hubby can still comfortably be polite and kind to his enemy even during/after a major fight).
Which was why when Hubby and I had a fight some days back, the usual pattern played out. But ironically, not cooking because of a fight was never something I ever did. So it was to my surprise when on this evening after work after attending to my daughter, I wanted to go into the kitchen to start preparing dinner and who would I find occupying my small kitchen space but Hubby.

Struggling trying to boil some plantain.

The last image I saw before I hurriedly stepped out of the kitchen to have a well-deserved laugh was of him adding a spoon of salt to the plantain he had just soaked added to a pot half filled with water. He even looked very professional as he tried to gauge if a spoon of salt was okay for the number of plantains he was boiling or if he needed to add more.

Wait, did he just taste the water to see if the salt was enough?

Ninu ogede sise? That literarily killed me
.



Who is this guy? Lmaoo 

Nah, if I need this guy to survive long enough to carry his great grandchildren, he must never boil plantain in this house again.

The fights will definitely continue. But I will continue to do the cooking.



Thursday, June 30, 2016

Shall We Address The Elephants in The Room Please?

Some people claim to know the type of person I am. Some people consider me weird, aloof, prim, snobbish. Others just conclude that “baby yii o fi gbogbo ara gbadun”.

They are all right.

This post is actually a very deliberate and lazy attempt to avoid completing the many blog/article drafts and unpublished works in my humongous archive. So I just decided to revive this blog with random cold hard facts about me that many don’t know. And because I hate small talks, I will just leave this here.

1) I am core sapiosexual. (Yeah good looks, dressing and great cologne may faze me for some delirious seconds but raw brilliance and intelligence kills it for me).

2) I love quick wit, sarcastic and intelligent humor. (I like it when a joke is shared and only the smart ones among us are laughing hysterically and people like Abraham the Great and KRO are still saying “I don’t get it” 27 years later)





3) I’m an exceedingly skeptical person. (E go tey before person go fit dupe me)

4) I enjoy roasting friends and I enjoy being roasted as well. I love yabs die.

5) I am a very quiet person.

6) I’m not quiet because I’m shy. I’m quiet because I hate small talks and meaningless discussions and conversations.

7) I’m not money driven but I’m ambitious, calculating and will not indulge too long in activities that won’t increase my monetary worth at any point in time.

8) I dislike people with the entitlement mentality.

9) My daughter has me wrapped around her pudgy little fingers. I have disciplined other people’s babies but I don’t even have the heart to refuse her from spoiling my books and glasses. (“E file, omode nii. I can always replace the books and glasses. She is still growing”)

10) I detest too much strategic planning and analysis. Most often than not, it cripples actual activities. I have seen too many of this first hand.

11) I loathe people who call and spend the first one minute asking after my health, family, dead relatives and living friends they’ve never met.

12) A caller has less than 15 seconds to hold my interest.

13) At times, I end calls abruptly if the call is irrelevant and not getting straight to the point.

14) I deliberately ignore a lot of calls, especially when I’m eating something quite pepperish(as per serious Yoruba geh) or when Idris Elba or Michael Ealy walks past my screen on topless jeans(oh my!).




15) I love night life. But I’m a blind bat at night.

16) It takes less than 20 seconds for me to know if a candidate will make it to the second stage of interview or not (I’m a part recruitment consultant by the way. Trust me, you want me in the room when you want to hire the best hands. Sieving out bo-bo resume yarns and getting the actual talents is my calling)

17) I still don’t know how to properly respond to “Tell me about yourself”.(Not sure if to start with "Beans gives me too much gas" or "My great grandparents were originally from Oyo town before migrating to Ogbomosho” or “I still don't know how to make ewedu like that" or "I had a boss I once crushed on")

18) I miss having lots of admirers.(Kpsheew)

19) I am a family person.

20) I’m a foodie. I will rather be broke with millions worth of food at home.

21) I still don’t know how to initiate a move (I’m hoping only few people will get this)

22) I am very thick skinned but quite emotional

23) I read a lot and listen to lots of inspirational speeches.

24) I have a huge encyclopedia of viable ideas. (Damaroy can testify)

Teju now, you can't be coming up with these fifty fifty naira ideas. CTRL DEL


25) I hate hearing too many jargons, especially in meetings. (Except in a meeting or an interview where everyone present will understand the things being said and belong in the same jargon caucus, I believe a lot of people bandy them around just to show off)

26) I am extremely hot-tempered and impatient. I will make a bad-ass CEO.

27) I really wish I could meet Richard Branson and Otunba Mike Adenuga in person (I heard Otunba has the freshest skin in the world. I need to know the cream and soap he uses)

28) I can spend countless hours doing nothing but thinking.

29) I rarely give promises.

30) i hate it when I see words with incorrect Usage of UPPERCASES and lower CASES.

31) I’m a core romantic. I love soapy and mushy mushy things.

32) I LOVE the fact that I’m in my very early 30s and I am enjoying getting older.

33) The older I get, the blunter and more straightforward I have become. (as in, mo raan iyalaya anybody. I will say it as it is)

34) I’m a very smooth talker. (Forget o. My bobo skills is on a PHD level. Let’s sha thank God I found Christ)

35) I never stop Googling things. (“Dear Google, how can I remove the number before each sentence on a Microsoft word?” ) I’m a very polite Googler too.

36) I seek perfection in everything I do.

37) I’m a tough leader.

38) Sob stories don’t move me. (Hian, me sef scammer)

39) I’m a neat freak. (I once had a boss who was thoroughly disgusted by this)

40) I hate shopping especially for clothes.

41) I know more than a lot of people think.

42) I stalk a lot of people on Instagram and Facebook. I can go as far back as their first post/pics.

43) I’m relatively posh. Until I get behind the wheels. Then I take on the mentality and act of an agbero or car smuggler.

44) I believe I married someone that deserves me. (trust me, I have major issues)

45) My greatest fear is embarrassment, rejection and failure.

46) I am willing to make great sacrifices for my family. (no questions asked)

47) I am a huge risk taker.

48) I have a huge collection of books, songs & movies.

49) I don’t laugh if a joke is not funny, no matter who cracked it.

50) I am bulls**t intolerant.

51) I’m very good at hiding emotions. (as in very very good, just like a duck)

52) I have a lot of unpublished & uncompleted works (as in a whole lot)

53) I feel my God given talents are writing, counselling and consulting (I have a lot of mental activities ongoing and I’m sure these are the areas my huge successes will come from. Someone should invest in me na)



54) I have suffered great depression in the past and recently (random stuff)

55) I fear nobody.

56) I don’t know how to beg. (I will rather starve to death)

57) I’m the least envious person in the world.

58) I think I may be homophobic (But Empire and HTGAWM is doing a good job diffusing the anger by rubbing it in our faces)

59) I don't get intimidated easily.

60) I don’t like broke people that give birth anyhow (how much is Durex? Do you know how much crèche alone is?)

61) When a still single large mouthed oversabi babe says “married women are just lazy sexually and they stop trying and let themselves go when they marry. As for me o, when I marry, I will still be so hot and sexy for my husband and do the same things I do as a single babe”, there’s a sadist part of me that gets excited when they finally get married and I see the general humility that comes with marriage wahala however temporal. (the evil angel in me gleefully says silently “welcome to marriage reality, ode oshi”)

62) I worry a lot about the future (Fara must not open a bottle of champagne herself o. Her graduation party shall be Queen Elizabeth themed. Only rich people like us with data bundle and dstv will understand this one)


63) I am too arrogant to tell a lie (why should I lie when I can just keep quiet and be omissive?)

64) I’m aware I possess the lying skills of a sociopath

65) I am very aesthetic in nature. I’m attracted to beautiful things-looks, fingers, people, smiles, houses, cars, food, appliances, work space, KPIs, public holidays, neat currencies

66) When I make new acquaintances, I’m drawn to the cologne they have on, nails, teeth and smile- whether male or female

67) I find it unappealing when a man wears no cologne. (You gotta have a signature scent mehn. It’s a freaking powerful aphrodisiac. Thank me later!)

68) I don’t forgive easily. I never even forget at all. (Ask around)

69) I can be a bee when required.

70) My mind is very deep. (As in very deep. I do a lot of internal planning)

71) I’m an unrepentant workaholic

72) I’m very good at recognizing bulls**t when I see or hear it

73) I know when I’m being lied to

74) I'm usually the last person to catch on to anything.

75) You would think no.73 & 74 contradict but they don’t. Refer to no.1

76) I hate meetings that exceed 1 hour. After 15 minutes of esoteric industrial jargons and I still cannot understand half of what is being said, I begin to mentally recap all the movies & series I watched the day before (Cersei Lannister!!! Much respect) and even add ideas on what I will be cooking for dinner and whether I will ever get to meet Jon Snow in real life (his eyes!).

77) I usually walk very fast, and have unknowingly left people behind until they pointed it out to me.

78) I sleep so noisily. (As in, like I must have been born with a blocked nose because I weigh 55KG and a size 8)

79) I would like to write best sellers like Sidney Sheldon’s one day (Hahahahahahahaha, seriously I mean it. Hahahahaha)

80) I’m so sarcastic I try not to speak when I hear dumb things. My sarcasm is on a very ultimate level

81) I have a mouth that can shatter confidence & break happy spirits. (Which is why I keep calm& quiet when I’m angry. My opponents are never a match for what my tongue is capable of)

82) I prefer male friends to female friends

83) I’ve saved, and probably still have, every nylon bag and ice cream container I’ve ever used or bought

84) I’m terrible at throwing things away. (I get emotionally synced to everything I buy for the house. I still have broken spoons and cracked plates I can’t just bring myself to throw in the trash bin. Mum in law came visiting and she was appalled. It's emotions nii. They started from the scratch with me. I can't just replace them na. I’m all for loyalty mehn)

85) I worry too much and a lot about things

86) I have an amazingly good intuition and I’m always right when I trust it.

87) I wish I’d studied Engineering or Medicine. I have the brains to have done either. (I mean, really)

88) I can’t believe you are still reading these. I’m getting bored writing them.

89) I wasn't always intelligent nor brilliant. I used to be in the last 5 in secondary school. {Unserious used to be my middle name. Too many boys chasing me and making me lose concentration and deceiving me. When I saw my school fees in the university, nobody told me to sit back up)

90) I’m thinking 100 things may be too many now that I started this

91) I love the fact I’m a working mom. I love work a lot.

92) I enjoy it immensely when my daughter cries for me when I step out of the room (Awwwwwn, someone loves me that much. Though I pretend and say “ahn ahn stop na let mummy/aunty/daddy carry you”. In my mind I’m like “go girl, keep at it. Make it louder. I can’t hear you again from the kitchen again o. Cry louder na”. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing someone needs to see you to remain happy. And boo will say he loves me o, yet he has never cried when I’m leaving a room)

93) Being married is fun but I sometimes wonder how single-hood would have been. I still grumble when I’m going home after work each day because I know it is essential that I ask olori ebi “what will you like for dinner” and he always responds with “what are my options”. ( I hate that question more than #25)

94) I’m stopping here. I have too many deliverable I have not submitted at work.


95) I genuinely and deeply miss Sim Shagaya.