At a popular business school in Lagos where I was
opportune to be engaged in a class discussion with other course mates, the
conversation suddenly steered outside the topic that was the reason we were
there in the first place and we all were able to discover that the only differences
in our respective work places are the names of the companies. And the remuneration packages.
Then the benefits. Then the bosses.
Yup
yup! Na by salary o.
It was a revealing session as different employees
from different companies shared hilarious unspoken office rules that had never
been documented but everyone just know.
And no, we didn’t spend the whole day discussing these
unproductive rules. We were able to get our money value from the lectures as I
also want to be that colleague in no. 6. Loool
Enjoy!
1) The
boss is always right, no matter your qualifications or experiences. Boss na boss.
2)
The more hard working and committed
you are, the more enemies you will make at work. My sister, it’s nothing personal
o. People are wired to hate any form of progress. (Even me sef, I saw a colleague we came in together wear one expensive
hair and lipstick and fear catch me say, “abi they have increased her salary
nii?” looool. We all have it and it is very inherent.)
3)
You will ONLY be as good as your
last good job. (So my dear, that you
closed a billion naira deal 6yrs ago is not an avenue to buy into the company’s
shares forever o. If you are doing anyhow as of today, na go be that o.)
4) When
your boss calls you into a meeting and tells you it’s time to think of
improving productivity in your unit, lmao, my dear, it means you are under
performing o. You better have cogent reasons why you should make this year’s
bonus and not get replaced by someone in your team.
5)
Anyone is dispensable and
replaceable in the company o. Do not let anybody or HR deceive you that you are
valuable then you start floating on air with an air of misplaced importance and
acting like the boss’s favourite. Abi you have not heard the Yoruba proverb, (“eyin ti aja fin ba omo e shere na lofi ma
geje?” The teeth the dog uses to play with the puppy is the same that is used
to bite it). So just make sure you exceed and meet expectations and targets
otherwise, you will become familiar with your rival before your termination of
employment. Looool. (An acquaintance actually
experienced this as he overinflated his importance while with the company and
unknowingly his performance dropped. The company brought in his rival AND had
him train the guy and when they were sure the new guy was good to resume, omo,
they bounced this dude o. Loool. That’s just the worst form of evil).
6) There
will always be that colleague that you just cannot exactly pinpoint what they
do at work all day but for some strange reasons, their monthly remuneration quadruples
yours. (Looool. My dear, don’t rule out
jazz for this one o).
7) There
will be days when you will be tempted to walk into your boss’s office and just
cry out, “WHY?” with tears streaming
down your face. (Some grapevine tells me
some actually go on their knees in that process. This ponmo life sha.)
8) There
will always be that employee that will be acting like Sherlock Holmes and the CIA spy for one of the bosses
or even the main boss. Yes, they exist. And they are actual people like you and me (still under debate on whether they have
horns though). So beware of those colleagues that ask questions that start
with “why”, “how”, and worst of all, “who”.
9) There
will be days when you will have a very vivid vision of you saying “I quit” probably during a meeting with your bosses and
standing and walking out straight to your car and driving off with your bosses
looking with mouth agape and some calling you back to renegotiate your compensation
terms. You have had such thoughts? THAT, my dear is where it ends o! No try am for real life o. It’s just
thoughts and vivid imagination. The day you try it, your security card will be
disabled before the word “quit” is out of your mouth. Loool
10) All
bosses are actually the same everywhere. Trust me. I know. You should also know
by now. Same everywhere. So if you do not get along with your boss, let it not
be the reason you quit except you are going to start your own company. It’s like
there is a school they all attend for tutoring on how to act the same (I will stop here sha for job security
reasons sha since Shell have refused to poach me)
11) Within
one month of you joining the company, the powers that be actually know whether
to invest in you or not. Don’t let anyone bobo
you with a lengthy “successor evaluation
consideration tale” my dear. That’s another term to mean “we are not satisfied with what you are
doing and are currently headhunting for someone who will replace you but while
we are searching, still be performing your duties since it’s better than
leaving the seat blank”. Na true o.
12) Be
humble. Daz the koko.The average
African leader is egocentric. This is where you may need to finesse your a**e
kissing skills. And trust me, it’s a selling skill o. (I have seen various a**e kissing at play and I assure you it generates
returns. I won’t just mention names. Looool)
13) Have
I mentioned that anyone, apart from the company’s owner, is dispensable and very
replaceable? Oh, I have? Very well then, just to be clear!
14) Politics
existed before you joined the company and yes, will continue after you. (This means politics was very much at play
before you were employed and after you may have left. Abi how did you think you were selected from a large applicant pool of 5000? Your black soap? Hian! Acknowledge it and give
it all the respect it deserves in the work place o before politics will see you to the door.)
15) Except
you are making 1 billion naira daily for your company, you are extremely
replaceable and dispensable. In fact you will be amazed that the company already
knows who will be replacing you should there be the need. Oh, I had said that
earlier? Looool, I just like to be sure that you got the message. So sheathe
the arrogance and cocky stride mait!
16) Some
of your colleagues are better politicians than you will ever be. Some people
were born and trained to know how to kiss the appropriate amount of a**e. We
call them gifted. (This means some colleagues of yours are trained "kiss-a**e
masters". You may only find out after they have left to someplace else to kiss more
qualitative a**es that they were probably earning 4 times your salary despite
having the same qualifications and experiences)
17) There
will always be that boss that does not like you. (Don’t force it. Some people were born grumpy. Their parents and
those they came across before you could not make them happy so keep the abracadabra
magic for someone who will be open to your a**e kissing acts.)
18) Some
of your colleagues will not like you no matter how white your teeth appear to
shine or the number of coupons you distribute. (Yup, simple as that. No excuses or explanation. Some people just did
not get the emotional intelligence gene)
19) You
will find out at some point that you actually are more knowledge than a boss
you report to. But I will like to ask. And
so? Kini itan yen kowa? What’s the
moral of the story? Because, frankly, nobody cares. (Well, except your father owns the company sha o or you are the side
chic to the owner. And your game better be very tight.)
20) Having
four degrees and sixteen certificates will NOT earn you a managerial role. (Remember Politics? I thought as much!)
21) If in your mind, you have shot your boss a million
times or done worse, please console yourself knowing you aren’t the only one. (I can link you to several mind psychotics
like yourself. Loool)
22) All
your online activities are probably being monitored at work. Did I say
probably? Scratch that,, Your online and offline activities ARE being watched. (So you want to be careful with those
unlawful sites you visit. Hehehehe. And yes, all your IP addresses and cookies are
being saved for reference purposes.)
23) If
you assist a colleague to complete a task up to 5 times that is not in your job
description, it will be added to your job description and becomes one of your performance
measurement task. (Hehehehe. Talk about
work inheritance.)
24) Your colleague is not the same thing as a friend. Under the algebra equation, this means your colleague is NOT your friend. Shikena. For your own psychological sake of watching a close friend get promoted up to four
times before you even achieve a lateral transfer, try not to have any clique or form any unnecessary emotional attachment at
work. (I am telling you o. You are all
there to make money and get up the corporate ladder as fast and simultaneous as
possible so we know survival is for the fittest. There are no friends at the
work place. People will use you for their own gain so save the loyalty &
famzing crap for your life OUTSIDE the office. Your loyalty is only for your
employer. Chikena.)
25) There
is nothing called secret at the work place. GET
THAT CLEAR. For every secret shared in the work place, everybody gets to
know about it before the month runs out. (Did
I say month? I meant the week! If you don’t want it passed around, take it to
your grave. Channel E has nothing where office gossip is concerned. Know that
before you share that piece of information that will change people’s opinion
about you.)
26) Your
colleagues are your adopted siblings. You spend more active times with them
than your actual siblings. Try and form a relationship. (The term “office snob” is no longer a sexy term. You want to get swift
news on promotion, the person being laid off, compensation benefits in view and
other office gossip stories, right? Then make friends. Not cliques. Friends! )
27) Anyone,
absolutely anyone is dispensable and replaceable. (Wait a minute, you own 50% or 100% stake in the company? Oh, you don’t?
Then you are very dispensable. Let that be your mantra while you give in our
best at work.)
28) The
boss is always right. At all times o. (So
always try and start your conversation with “I was wondering”. Always wonder.
Always!)
29) Competition
is a friendly match in the work place and there will always be winners and
losers. #HardFactsWithinTheOffice#
30) Successful
career progression is all about what you
know, who you know and how you know. (Not necessarily in that order sha o)
N:B:
All office facts were shared humorously during different conversation series
amongst various employees of different companies and not in any way directly related
to a singular individual’s personal experience but a collective experience of
different employees in different organizations. Additional feedbacks are
welcome.
