7 Annoying Types of Online Shoppers in Naija

I love my job and the industry it belongs.

As in, really.

It's fun being part of something new in this part of the world and witnessing the disruptive innovation it brings with it. I particularly enjoy the pleasure of people assuming I earn up to 2M per month (wouldn't that be awesome!). It’s fun to see people accord you some respect when you say “I work with xxxxx”.

I like it.

Not that I like giving false appearances, far from it. But I must say I enjoy seeing assumption pay me positively especially when people have already judged me when they sight me on a Monday morning looking very business casual(closer to casual than business) or when I’m seated at some place and my quietness and need to be alone is mistaken for stupidity. The surprised respect that comes along after some few technology gibberish, I relish enormously.






I have to admit though, I do that deliberately at times. I like bringing uppity people down a notch, so I reel out some esoteric business and technical words to confuse them. And some are too proud to even bother to ask you to explain but you know that what you just said, they will be asking Google as soon as you leave there

I like that too.

Despite the fact that I am aware that humans in Nigeria are unique little SKUs, as soon as they hear that you work for an e-commerce company, a lot of people I come across automatically fall into neat little subcategories and last category.There are the interesting acquaintances who you meet and are just pleasantly interested in learning about where you work without any particular interest in knowing much. But then there are also those human species who upset the delicate relationship that exists between online workers and online shoppers.



1. THE SOCRATES SHOPPER -

Oh, these species of grand noble enquiries, they have loads of questions even your ancestors will not be willing to answer. Oh yes! You will be amazed at the number of questions that roll out of their lips per second. You can bet all your savings that they don’t talk this much when they are calling from an MTN line as they are conscious of the inexplicable billings. As soon as they are introduced to you randomly and somehow find out where you work, the barrage of questions like a newly discovered but broken gallon of oil pours out-

Oh, where is your office? Is it true you guys and xxxxxx are major competitors? I heard you guys now operate a marketplace? A friend of mine said you guys now do free delivery, is it true? What’s the name of your website? Can i get more discount on this PS4 if you speak to your guys? How do I xxxxxx? Can you shop for me when you guys are doing your sales? I will pay you back. Please how can I start xxxxxx? What’s your staff strength? Do you know this guy in Marketing? I used to do some business for you guys. Can I get your Marketing team’s contact? You guys should let me do business for you na.

They never stop and after a while, I just pretend a call comes in and move on to another corner of the room. Some of them are willing to wait to ask more questions.

2. THE JOB SHOPPER

You know them. 

You have at least one or two of them in your friend archives. Once you see their ping, call, chat, you know they are about to ask you if there's now an opening in your office.

Once they get to meet you and they find out where you work, their next sentence or email or text message or phone call begins with “How far now? Are you guys now recruiting?” “Any update?" "I’m still looking for a job o. Can I send you my cv”? The ones I even find really confusing are the ones who lobby for people that do not even know they are being lobbied for or do not in any way qualify for whatever role they might be soliciting for. “My sister is looking for a job. How can you help? She is working at xxxxxx but i don't like the way her boss speaks to her so i want her to leave there. Is there any where you can just help me fix her in your company?’ Oshey! Sir Voltron & Hulk Hogan, hold on, just give me a minute. Let me find out from HR if we have any fixable position no one is using.




3. THE ANGRY FRIEND/SHOPPER- 

They are one of those people you can't remember how you met but they are there in your life and you occasionally share banters once a while. So when they ask for your number one day as they want to make some enquiries about your company, you oblige.

But when you pick the call, you know: ghen ghen, this person is irate. Something horrible has gone wrong, and you hope to God it wasn’t your fault. But he/she is obviously very upset about something that is completely out of your control. “What?? You mean I only have 7 days to return this?? Bukky told me it's 30 days return policy(they always, always have a name of someone they spoke to on the phone and can quote you verbatim including what you never said at times) And it needs to be in the perfect condition it came?! You don’t understand, I am a very important customer o! Can you connect me to a decision maker or manager!” This probably isn’t a good time to tell him/her that you are the decision maker for that kind of issue.



4. THE LITIGATION EXPERT SHOPPER
Aaaaargh, someone introduced you to the person because they had been seriously scouting for someone in your company they could directly relate with.

And that day, you happened to be the scapegoat. 

Lawyer trouble has a knack for asking the type of questions that probably weren’t even covered in our policy manual, and definitely not in any of our customer handling sessions. She’s a lawyer in real life, and she’s trying to practice her lawyerly skills on you and for every new product or order she makes, she reaches out to you with some complicated law jargons with intent of fishing out the loopholes in our company’s policies. So far they have been unsuccessful but they are usually relentless.

At the end of it all, I’m usually forced to say “Those questions are above my pay grade madam. Pls send me an email and we will take it from there”. Lawyer trouble is always content to wait.




5. "I JUST PLACED AN ORDER, CAN YOU FAST TRACK" SHOPPER"-

These people right here, they love magic. Ok, everyone I personally know that has shopped online in Nigeria is guilty of this. It basically means "use your position and whatever to prioritize my order above every other million orders". Some even go as far as name dropping one or two top bosses. "How's xxxx? Is he in today?" Oga no dey around sir.

When they place an order and remembered that you also work there, they totally disregard the mails and text messages that clearly state and constantly tells them the time duration which to expect their items. As we are used to short-cut here in Nigeria, they see no reason why that can't extend that to their orders as well. 

And because our culture somehow acknowledges the existence of magic or jazz, when they place an order, they subconsciously hope they can get it before the next blink of our eye. (Seriously) So they call you and let you know “I just placed an order. How soon can i get it? I need it so urgently. Can I get it today?” Of course you can! Let me just clear my desk, visit our distribution center that is a distance from my office, jump the queue because I have shares with the company, bully every other order that came before you, have your orders packed and hop into my car with its almost empty tank to deliver to you”.

Or wait, better still, let me call Saka the dispatch to return from wherever he may be making other deliveries, pick up yours and make sure he prioritizes it above others since you know someone within the business.

But because we are officially tired of family members and friends stalking us daily and reducing our productivity level with constant "please na, help me talk to your delivery guys to come to my office now now as i'm going out in 45mins"(shuo!) we now offer same day delivery at a flat rate. Please let us breathe and start using that delivery option. I like the feeling sha when i see such mails as I always feel like a magician. 


6. THE MILE 12 MENTALITY SHOPPER-

These ones don’t trust anything online and believe everything can still be tweaked, all they need to do is ask. So they ping/buzz/call you to ask how much discount they can get on that product that’s showing N18,350 on the website. 

“Can’t I get it for less? You guys should remove money na. I’m buying up to 5 o”.(They speak with phonee at times) E sir, this is not Kontangora, or Mile 12, or a bazaar. And you are calling from an oil company o. We know your salary sir. With all your tushness, you want to start haggling prices ONLINE. Do you know how mush a domain name is? Do you know how mush it took us to increase our bandwidth? Ahn ahn, how can you be asking upandan online how mush last? You think this is Igando market? Pleez sir, i want bonus this year. Epp me and buy from us sir. No? You still want last price? Check Aleshinloye market in Ibadan sir. They have the type.

7. "PLEASE CANCEL THESE ORDERS I'M NO LONGER INTERESTED" SHOPPER -

There is a special circle in hell reserved for these people. 

After an order has been placed and maybe just one item out of 15 items placed is no longer available or they decided to betray us because someone is selling it for one Naira less on another site, that’s when you will hear them with their unmistakable tush accents.

“Please have the order cancelled, that one item is really why I placed those orders in the first place” . (Haaaa) Or "This site is offering it at xxxxxxx".

E sir, but that's one naira difference sir? Did you say you were calling from xxxx Oil & Gas Company or you are calling from a filling station? And when an item similar to the unavailable item is proposed, they are always quick to reject it.

All in all, I have personally learnt to manage these various familiar shoppers well. Though they are people you personally know to an extent, they invariably let you have an idea what other shoppers you don't know are thinking and their shopping mentality. They are my sort of feedback. I guess dealing with them effectively comes with time and patience in the long run.

But with the mentality I've been seeing so far about online shopping, we've got a long way to go in this country. No doubt.

My Late Night Experience as a Married Woman

There’s nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise. When women get married, we automatically adorn the cloak of righteousness, especially with what happened to me some weeks back.

Right from my hay days, everyone around me knew I never joked with my sleeping time for any reason whatsoever. This is not for any health reason nor for beauty care purposes, I have just always been that person that woke in the morning and already looked forward to hitting my bed later that night.

I rarely distort my sleep pattern. I have cancelled dates/events because somewhere in my subconscious, I had realized it may eat into my sleeping time. Hence if I made plans of any kind that extended to 9pm, i already knew it was never going to happen. Which is why I laugh when I hear ‘Can I call you around 9:00pm when you will be home already?”. After lol-ing in my mind, I of course say "yes". But by then, sleep would have won the battle. 

Haaa oh fairest sleep! Nothing else matters, nothing!

Unashamedly, that’s me and that’s why I don’t do night parties or worse still, night clubbing.

For where! I avoid it like a plague. Not because of the loud music nor the dark roads, but just the mere thought that I would have to give up precious sleeping hours to be dancing all night was inconceivable. I remembered vividly following a dear friend to a bubbling club at GRA Ikeja back then with the hope that I would dance all night long and enjoy the night out.

Nibo! Once it was getting to 9pm, I was already yawning. By 10pm or some minutes past, I found my way to an empty sofa inside the club and promptly dozed off. The next time I woke was 4am. Suffice to say this friend never extended any day or night outing invitation to me again.

Like i care! Lemme sleep jare

Apart from getting really bored easily once I have achieved the objective of any outing, I’m not an alcohol taker so anything that will keep me glued to a position or location for more than 2 hours must either be bringing in money or I’m being held at gun point or Hubby's commanding stare or voice is holding me down.

Once I 'm somewhere and I have eaten, drank what's consumable and ensured the party host has sighted me, na go be that o. I'll start itching to leave and get back to that awesome settee in my living room or my own side of the bed.

No, I am not an introvert neither am I shy. I'm not even a very quiet person. I can be the life of a party  and give buzz to a boring event but most often than not, I just want to be alone in my own space and plan how to take over the world with my many business ideas.

Which business idea should i start first now? Show me the way

At this point, those that are familiar with Hubby are wondering “What in God’s name was the attraction between you both?” My people, na so we see am o.‎ Anyway, despite all these, Hubby tried as much as he could to ensure he included me in all his outings and 2 weeks back, he was able to get me to hang out with him at night. I can’t even remember our first point of call but we ended up at Rhapsody at Ikeja.

That was where I added few grey hairs to my head and other places with what I saw.

As soon as we got in, which was a struggle due to the jam-packed room, my eyes did a survey around the room and I suddenly felt overdressed in my modest top and jeans. We were able to get a seat towards the back of the room and once I sat and looked around, I just kept praying “Dear God, I came here with a Boo. Please let him go back home with me”. Even the Boo was not helping matters at all because he kept looking around the club like he just regained his lost sight after many years. I was just happy he recognized me when his eyes found its way back to me, even though it was brief. And in my mind, I consoled myself, “you have kuku collected bride price and no return policy.”

As I scouted round the room as so many stunning ladies danced(more like twisted) to this Rihanna’s latest track “twerk twerk twerk twerk twerk, see me ya de na na na na na, yummy dumy da da da da da, dumi mumi na na na na na na”, and I watched all those illegal dance moves, all that kept going on in my head as I looked from one hot babe to another are:‎

“Ha, you will not find a husband like thaaat”

“You tink that’s how I met my own Hubby”

"Is this what they are teaching you in school?"

“See this one, you think he will marry you with what you are wearing?”

“Ha, he will not marry you with the way you are dancing ke”

"Dancing cannot keep a man o. You better stop shaking"

“What is this one wearing? You tink that’s how to find a husband?’

“Ha, he just wants to use you and dump you o this one you are letting him grab you”

“Ha, hmmm I pity you with this boy o. He will just sleep with you and dump you”

“Ha, no man will want to take you home”

“Ha, see what this one is wearing. Does your mummy know where you are”

“Look at this one, this boy will just use you anyhow”

“You this small girl, I pity your parents. This boy will just do you anyhow”

“Anu omo yii ma shey mi o. This boy just wants to Netflix & chill”.
In that club, I became my mum and all my aunties rolled into one and even a little bit of my grandmother. 

I pity you. Be twerking you hear.

I had to refrain myself from shaking my head as I looked at each dancing and very fine chic. I hated their scantily clad bodies and for making me feel so old. I glared at my own Boo. He won’t even let me wear a see through blouse on a normal day!

Who approved this Rihanna song sef?

And as they twerked some more with some closer to my Boo as I eyed them from my corner eye, I considered whispering into his ears “Do you still love me even though I can’t twerk like that? Am I still beautiful in your eyes? Will you still go home with me tonight? Please don’t dump me for any of these silly near naked hot girls. I will cook your favorite dish if you come back home with me. or do you want my ATM card?”

Collect my ATM card na. Please don't leave me. They won't make you happy

Apparently, Hubby was more interested in seeing his own wife twerk as he tried to get me to stand and dance with him, in my very dead jeans and now too loose blouse. Even the waitresses were even more scantily clad than I was. But knowing I would just disgrace myself among these fine girls and just show off what should remain hidden- my very outdated dance steps like creep walking, shaba and butterfly moves, I just smiled and gestured with my hands as if to say “don’t worry, so long as you are dancing alone, keep dancing and I will be watching you to see if there’s any second wife in this club”.

Will you cover yasef properly and stop twerking in front of my Boo

At that club that night, despite the funny scenarios, it hit me that my judgmental state was incongruous to my personal character. I didn’t want to but the maternal/nurturing/marital instinct kicked off. Despite my acclaimed independent lady syndrome bla bla bla, that night, only my married brain was with me. It became clearer to me why women lose touch with single friends once they get married. It’s not being snobbish but just that another part of your brain opens and totally dominates. The maternal/wifey cloaks automatically come on. You start thinking differently. I once wrote that it was near impossible to maintain a single status state of mind when being married or a married state of mind when single. There are some things one side will never understand until they are on the same side.

That’s why you will hardly find married women in clubs or late parties. Apart from supposedly having fun, we go there to judge every woman, holding the invisible justice wand and passing unsolicited judgment. It’s just really inevitable.

I need to learn twerking though. I want to be the first wife that can twerk very well, particularly in public. I want Hubby to start being the one eyeing all the other fine dudes around me.


N:B- Boo & Hubby are one and the same.