In Defense of Nagging

I nag.

Let’s get that into the open once and for all and dispel the rumors that I am too educated and enlightened to nag.

For wia! 

In fact, the more educated & exposed a woman is, the more intolerant and impatient she becomes and the tendency to nag is higher. 

And not with all these new generation husbands flying everywhere that can’t do anything sef.

So forget all those anti-nagging wife propaganda mentality going around and some thoughtless speeches and nonsense articles written by single men and women proclaiming that the number one reason for marriage dissolution is a woman’s incessant nagging.

Women will always nag and continue to do so for as long as they are married to the opposite sex. Men! 

And vice versa.

I am a woman, a nurturer, a home maintainer and a keeper of the home so the need to have things in its proper place at all times is a major requirement for my continuous sanity and if I can’t get Hubby to do it and not just do it when he wants but at the right time, then I will either nag him into it or just do it myself.

Usually, I do it myself.

I am actually being humble. ALWAYS, I do it myself. ALWAYS.

If for any reason, I have created any impression that I don’t nag from all my write-ups or that I am just a career woman with panache and can never be caught nagging, omo, I sincerely apologise o.

However, let me be the one to correct that erroneous impression sharply.

I am a persistent nag.

As in, I dey nag wella. I suppose carry award sef. Yoruba’s will even call it “alatenumo”. I can press on an issue like a witch until the person either does it out of frustration or I do it myself at the end of the day.

In fact, Hubby has said I usually have this look on my face that makes him know he is about to hear the speech that made the vulture go bald. (Oro ti igun gbo ti eti e fidi)

How won’t I nag with the kain husband wey I marry! Hian!

And except I exchange my current husband (lai lai, na me go show that guy till we grow old together), I can assure you I may either choose to continue nagging and nag myself into different health challenges, swallow my several complaints and be filled with resentment towards this husband of mine whenever I glance his way or I just simply do the d**n tasks myself.

The guy no even care o. I dey do am myself at all times o. Abeg, person no fit kill me for this small age come go marry one busty lepa jare.

So I do it myself even though I make sure I complain while doing it. loool

Now let me explain that part.

I am married to a man that never lied to me of his domestic challenges even while we were dating. He showed me his real self barely a month after I said yes to him. In fact the only time my hubby has ever been engaged in any domestic chore was that one time I was going over to visit him at home for the first time and he was nervous about my visit and arranged his room to perfection. (I'm sure you are wondering why we didn't stay in the living room, abi? We wanted to pray together nii and commit our relationship into God's hands. Lool)

That was the first and the last time Hubby ever did anything of such domestic extent and capability.

Myself, on the other hand, grew up in a family that gets excited by the pristine and cleanliness of any room. I tidy anything I can lay my hands on and it is a must that everything is in its proper place, shape, form and no speck of dust anywhere whatsoever at all times.

To explain the extent of this compulsion for orderliness and cleanliness, I can tell you I wake at midnight to lay the bed before jumping back in and I iron my bed sheets. Even the duvet has to be in a neat proportion before I use it to cover myself and Hubby’s body. And I check all the house entrances to be sure that Hubby locked all doors because my Hubby acts like there is no thief in Nigeria and does not care to cross check the windows and doors and goes about the whole house with an annoying happy go lucky mentality that thieves have relocated to another country. While myself, ehn, I believe everyone is a thief that has never been caught so I make sure I check the house doors before someone will come and pack our well arranged gadgets. 

I am sure you are thinking now that “how did she end up with that alapa ike”? It’s simple. I think it’s the Kwara Jazz he used on me.

And I am sticking to that story. Lool.

Let me start this clarification with the popular Yoruba proverb: “Ma pami ma pami, Ife lon soro, sugbon ti o ba ti di ma para e, you know the s**t is about to hit the roof”.

For the very many non-speaking Yoruba’s, this statement simply means that when one repeatedly chants “don’t kill me, don’t kill me, then it is love that is involved but when it becomes “don’t kill yourself, then we can safely assume that the person that once cared has reached that much dreaded “f**k it* moment”.

Suffice to say that the only way a wife will stop nagging is if she is married to another woman or if she just cannot be bothered anymore. And when a woman gets to that phase, a man can go jump into the lagoon for all she cares.

I have seen so many friends(unmarried ones o) argue with me that it’s only all those old school women and our mothers’ generation that nag or that “no wonder her husband is cheating on her” when she nags so much, “how won’t he date their maid” and all other nonsense phrases many African women have used to suppress, abuse, insult other women like them. However, after a while, such women that are quick to condemn find themselves in that same place and the cycle continues.

Now, let’s take it one after the other.

I am aware there are three different definitions to nagging as seen in the picture below.

For this article, I am going with no: 3 as depicted above.

I nag because I am married to a man, the specie that needs to be constantly reminded to do most things, the specie that does not like to help out in anyway not because they don't love but because it's in their nature to be waited upon, the specie that likes orderliness but does not want to be responsible for it. 

The male specie.

I am not ashamed to nag, neither do I intend to stop nagging because the day I stop nagging my man is the day I fall out of love and have probably moved on to another man or to a place where he only just exists physically but I have erased him out of my mind.

And for the records, single men and women do not have the right to tell anyone the bad effects of nagging. In fact, until you have been married for more than a month, you do not have the right to badmouth the married women and men that nag.

I just loathe and dislike people, most especially women that run other women down trying to act all uppity and trying to act different from other married women and believing that women that behave in such a way brought it upon themselves and deserves it.

 Kpsheeeew.

Now, I am well aware some women take it to the extreme and even form a musical tone with the incessant nagging and I am definitely not in support of such women but I have been opportune to serve as listening ear for many married women that nag and whenever I ask them if they saw this part of their hubby while courting, many respond in the affirmative but thought they could change them.

At that point, I tell them to zip it and either be ready to tolerate and do the needful themselves or work out of that marriage if it’s that bad.

And I realize that almost all get appalled when I suggest they walk out of the marriage and at that point, I simply mention that if you don’t consider the fact that you have to nag to get your husband’s attention enough reason to walk out of the marriage then simply start doing it yourself.

Like I mentioned earlier, I nag. And this is not because I derive a kind of sexual pleasure from repeating myself to someone that cannot put his dirty laundry inside the laundry and not beside, under or near it at all times.

In fact, anyone that knows me will know I loathe to repeat myself and if asked to repeat myself, I go into sarcasm mode. If I can communicate with just my eyes and other people will understand at a price, I will be willing to pay even a huge sum for silence, not to even speak at all, talk less of now having to repeat myself.

So, I can assure you there is no joy derived in me when I have to whine, complain and explain the need why something that ought to have been done twenty years ago is not done after fifty years and the other party(that’s my Hubby o. Kpsheew) could not be bothered.

That guys tests my patience mehn. And what makes his so worse is the extreme innocent look he adorns anytime I try to accuse him of an undone task and ready to adorn my warrior ensemble and ready to take him on a word fight like Muhammad Ali on the battle ring, he is usually quick to say “I’m sorry” with a childish smile on his face. And that shamelessly deflates me. (Choi, my husband can apologize for the world cup ehn and knows how to get me. And I always fall for that innocent look over and over again and get to do the tasks myself and even still lovingly prepare him a delicious meal for not doing what he ought to do o.)

But no more! The jazz potency has worn off mehn.

News Flash for the Unsolicited Judges Wanna-bes:

A nagging woman is a representation and extension of the spouse she is married to who seems not to be doing what he may have promised, assured, bragged he would do.

A nagging mother is a representation of a disobedient child who has chosen not to follow the mother’s advice, rules, instructions and keeps on erring to the disappointment of the mother.

A nagging husband is a representation of the stubborn wife who has decided to flout the bible’s instructions that women should be obedient to their husbands.

A nagging boss is a representation of a subordinate who has failed to meet his KPI’s and does not seem to share the same objectives with the boss as he keeps on doing tasks totally opposite to what the boss expects and requires.

A nagging HR manager is a representation of an unrepentant employee that is not doing his/her job well or is probably engaging in practices that is totally against the company’s policy.

The nagging youths of a country are a representation of a non-performing government that does not have the nation’s youth interest at heart.

So if all the above people can nag across various platforms and we do not see them quitting at any point in time or renouncing their relationship with the erring person(s)  but either adjust or get the erring person to do the needful, why do society keep hammering on wives not to nag?

How possible and realistic is that?

A man keeps late night and drinks a lot and you don’t want the wife to discuss it and complain repeatedly on the danger until he dies abi? Will you pay for his coffin? Is that nagging?

A man sleeps around and wifey complains bitterly about it begging him to stop. Is that nagging? 

A wife wants her husband to share in the house chores and just for ones put his dirty laundry in the laundry bin and not near the fan or beside the pillow and she repeatedly tells him. Is that nagging?

A husband complains about his wife’s dressing that does not project decency and wants her to be more decent. Is that nagging?

A wife wants the husband to help more with the children and contribute his financial support towards his family and not out drinking with friends and complains repeatedly. Is that nagging?

I don’t think so. I think that is Love. When Love hurts, love complains.

Erm, ok this is extreme.

What am I saying? People who nag do not enjoy nagging. No one wants to repeat themselves like a broken record.

The “nagger” (I know it doesn’t exist so keep it to yourself) is not the problem. The “naggee” (I know too) is the one with the problem who does not seem to care to follow instructions and do what is expected)

And yes, men nag a whole lot too but society has as usual, tried to create a double standard that only women nag and seem to try to tell women not to do such so as to keep the husband.

Keep the husband! Oshisco! Na possession or is it the same worth as 500 hectares of Land in Dubai?

But has the deceptive society ever wondered why a woman suddenly starts nagging and what went wrong? Or do we seem to think women enjoy nagging? And is it just me or is it only in Africa that nagging has become more of an issue than even violence in marriage?

Many discussions and articles seem to emphasize on why a woman should try not to nag and leave the husband alone so that he does not look elsewhere, thereby making it seem like a privilege for the wife if the husband does not cheat when she nags.

Piece of crap! Nonsense!

And what is this that I hear about nagging killing the sex drive? Lmaoo. 

Erm, Guys, let me be the one to break it to you: If you are not doing what she expects of you, be rest assured you already lost your sex appeal since the Cold War between America & the Soviet Union. 

How else do you always get to have some after throwing out the trash or cleaning her ride or picking her up from work after a hard day's work? Women get easily attracted to men that actually complete tasks, not just talking about it but actually walking the talk. It's a kind of stimulation to actually have a spouse we can rely on.

So you see that story you share with your friends at a bar about you losing attraction for your wife at that point when she started nagging? Oga Ade, I;m sorry to be the one to break it to you that your wife got to that point centuries ago and trust me, when she looks at you, sex is the last thing on her mind.

So be rest assured the feeling is mutual., she got to that stage waaay before you did.

Show me a woman that does not nag and I will show you a woman who has a perfect husband (like a Unicorn, they don’t exist), a woman who is pretending to be contented with her husband’s habits so she can simply say to people “I don’t nag” or a woman who frankly, does not give a flying f**k anymore about the husband  and has learnt to be extremely independent to such an extent that the man is simply now a walking dildo.

While growing up and probably up till this moment, our parents most especially our mothers nag us consistently to get us to complete any task which we either don’t do and we regret it later or we do and grumble about it until we complete it, study a particular course, go to a particular school, work in a particular place, marry a particular man, and give birth at a particular time. Do our feelings for our mothers change or deplete? 

I don't think so.

Every growing child and adult has a natural rebellious streak and as a result at times, it becomes a necessity that some things are repeated often and often to get us to do it and keep doing it. This is inevitable and as a result, every human born of woman will nag at some point in their life consistently to someone that is directly beneficial to them or someone that they are benefiting from.

So if the above processes do not warrant a subordinate resigning due to the boss’s incessant complaints or a child disown the mother due to incessant instructions and whines or a wife walk out of the marriage due to several whining from the husband, why should society (consisting of different unrealistic ideas and advice) keep giving African women impressions that the best way to keep a man is by not nagging? 

Does this then mean that those that are still married are married to women that do not nag or that the promiscuous men we have today have wives that nag?

Erm, I don't think so.

Another news flash: A woman who nags is different from a woman that talks too much and a woman that keeps grudges and calls it out when a similar offense is committed.

Let’s not mix them together.

When a man promises to do something and does not do it and a woman reminds him repeatedly until he decides to do it, is that what is called nagging?

No!

If one needs to be reminded of fulfilling a promise made or a task that requires one to complete, it simply shows one as not being reliable nor dependable.

My point? There is no smoke without fire.

That beautiful wife of yours that nags just wants you to hold your side of the bargain and if you are man enough, you will do just that.

That incessant complains from your husband is a way of reminding you to fulfill one of the many promises you made at the altar.

And oh, that leggy big breasted colleague that seems so exhilarating compared to your nagging wife is a nag in making. Just wait till she gets to see you for what you really are: A man that needs to be pushed and reminded to do what is needful and necessary. Then, she will nag and the cycle will continue.

And that smokey eyed boss that smells way better and taller than your nagging husband has probably not tried to get you to complete a task without reminding you. Wait till he sees your KPI's are not in tandem with the company's objectives.

Lesson of the day to recipients of incessant nagging: If you want your spouse to keep shut and go back to the way they once were that made you fall for them in the first place, abeg, keep to your side of the bargain and do all that is expected.

It's actually that simple.


Note to Readers:
The above article is is no way referring to men/women who nag as a result of their own inability to be satisfied for any reason whatsoever or not appreciative of all that is given to them but due to their unhappy childhood and it is definitely not referring to some spouses that were born to nag and have enjoyed beating down the opposite sex because they were brought up to do so. Rather, this article is meant to correct the erroneous impression that married people, or more, married women nag for no reason as this is not true but actually which only married women can explain. The article is just meant to shed light on the fact that a spouse that turns into a nag became as such due to non-cooperation and domestic compliance by his/her spouse. And rather than pull out their hair or die as a result of hard work, he/she has uniquely decided to express himself/herself by talking and sharing his/her point of view even if the spouse does not want to hear it. lool. And does it matter how many times he/she repeats it! lol.  Apparently, when the spouse is tired of hearing the incessant whining and complaining, they will get up from the dusty settee and get to help around the house, which is what we have been saying for the past 5 years since the first nagging began.   Lool




Native words used within the article:

For wia: A term to mean "how unlikely".

Sef: As in previousl blog post, word has no actual meaning but simply to dramatise the statement issued.

I dey nag wella: This is simply a phrase to emphasise the depth of my nagging skills. People like me should be given associate membership with our own loyalty cards. Loool

I dey do am myself: I do it myself

Alatenumo: This is a yoruba term that refers to someone that never lets go on a particular subject until a different outcome is gotten.

Hian: By now, every reade on my blog should be familiar with this dramatic word.

Lai lai: A word meaning "Never", "Not happening"

Abeg: A word to mean please

Lepa: It's a term to mean a slim woman.

Alapa Ike: An individual with rubber like hands that can only be used to lift food into the mouth and every other tasks assigned to this person will be shunned by him/her. An example is my Hubby.

Kwara: This is a state in Nigera where Hubby comes from.

Jazz: You know those acts everyone indulge in that you are ready to bet your life on that you would not have done if not some external forces chasing you? Yeah, Jaz is what's it's called in Nigeria. It's the second thing people lie on when the phrase "the devil made me do it" no longer holds water.

Wifey: An informal term to mean wife.

Abi: A term requesting for a positive response replacing "right?".

Oshisco: This means "arrant nonsense"

Oga Ade: A random name used to refer to men when one is about to go sarcastic.

KPI - Key Performance Indicators

FYI - For your information