Warning: How Safe is Your Success From Friends & Relatives?

They really, really are stupid and only lazy people make them.

I don’t believe in New Year resolutions.  

I would even go further to say people only make New Year resolutions when they are either drunk, momentarily touched by the words of a smooth talking pastor who seemed to be shining brightly like an angel with halo on the pulpit, those that are financially broke, people that are depressed or suffering from a myriad of negative emotions. And I also believe it is quite foolish for anyone to wait till December before making a resolution to carry out an activity or stop a bad habit in the coming year.

I mean, who sips on half a pint of Hennessey while puffing away a stick of Aspen on December 31^st and says “my new year resolution is to quit drinking and smoking”?

A non-serious reformer if you ask me who would probably be making the same resolution in the coming 5 years!

I intend to become an extremely successful female entrepreneur and I have backed this statement with realistic action steps towards achieving such great feat and having being opportune to work closely with one of the most intense, driven, determined and successful entrepreneur in this side of the continent, my quest and drive for success has passionately swelled to an unbelievable optimum level. I learnt from him that the only thing standing between one and success is fear and doubt. And that with the right people encouraging and cheering you on, the sky is simply the beginning of what can be achieved.

I understand that there are still some situations that I would have to change either consciously or unconsciously in the coming years to accommodate my quest for achieving immense success. I am also aware I may lose many friends in this quest as well as probably become an alien to some relatives but like the famous saying that I totally understand and relate with, the road to success will be paved with loneliness. I have also discovered some reasons why it may be necessary for people aiming to achieve success to isolate themselves from some group of people, in order to become successful.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE SUCCESS DOESN’T MEAN FRIENDS OR FAMILY WILL:  People naturally have a tendency for not wanting to be left behind in any successful decision you take no matter how little they contribute to such success. And because many people are too lazy to ever become wealthy, some close friends and relatives will make you feel bad for making too much. You may even get called for a meeting for being too ambitious and greedy as society and even some religious homes have attributed wealth to greed and evil. And for those that are not averse to your wealth, they will automatically expect you to be responsible for their financial responsibilities just because you now make a whole lot.

What to Do- Except you have an unending capital and money bank and are quite willing to take all financial responsibilities, they may need to be cut some slack until they understand you owe them nothing. Reasoning with such people will never yield any good outcome as such people tend to have a misplaced sense of entitlement and they will frown at every accomplishment you make; buying a car, building a new house, sending your kids to private institution. They will never understand why you just bought a new car when they have not even paid their house rent.

THEY SEE YOU FOR WHO YOU WERE AND NOT WHO YOU HAVE BECOME: Many of your friends and relatives will never be able to come to terms with the fact that the person they once shared their childhood with over a bowl of rice without fish, Garri without groundnut or who they once lived in a one room apartment with, has now become so successful. Many people cannot handle having a friend that is much more successful than them. Such people would always try to say something nasty every time someone extols your new status. They will always see you for the struggling unsuccessful person that you used to be. These set of people would need to be cut off until they understand your success has come to stay and they are either with you or against you in your journey for success.

What to Do- For your success to keep growing through determination and motivation from people that really matter, the only friends you want to keep are the ones who support you along the way and realize the new man or woman you have become and are willing to encourage it. 

ONCE YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL, YOUR VALUES WILL CONFLICT- Many successful people try to maintain their old lifestyle but such folly never works as truth remains that, your level has changed and as such, your values would inevitably have to go through a radical change process. The way you see money and success would also be reviewed and revised, as well as your orientation about life in general. For those of us that grew up in fairly comfortable homes, we grew up having a special kind of resentment for wealthy people and associating their success with evil deeds but as we became more comfortable and grew higher in the social strata, we became more understanding and less judgmental. A big lifestyle change has to occur when you become successful. For instance, you may have been the sort of person that could walk into the main Mile 12 market to shop for your foodstuff while price haggling intensely with the Hausa sellers or Yoruba women. Maybe you get to do such once a while with some of your friends. However, once you become successful, it is only fair that you spend more time thinking more of ways to make more money and less time doing any personal shopping. Also, you may be the sort of person that hung with your crew every Friday evening from 8:00pm till dawn but once you become successful, you will be more focused and determined and less generous with your time as you indulge more in success chasing activities and less time on frivolous events. Understand that your life style change may be viewed by your friends & relatives as arrogance.

What to do- Trying to explain to your friends that your success has made you more time constrained will make them rather upset. You owe no one any explanation regarding your new status as the people that really matter will totally understand. We all hope to be successful one day and any friend worth your time will understand and respect your values after a while and choose to accept to see you at your available times. With success comes great responsibility and improving your character is necessary for success, and so you will be disturbed by lack of it among friends who aren't as successful. Be careful who you allow to influence your life and strength of character at this stage. 

YOUR INCOME WILL EQUAL THE SUM OF YOUR CLOSEST 7 FRIENDS. Sounds unrealistic, right? Ever heard the statement, “you become who you roll with”?  Just think about this deeply. Why do you think successful men only move with men such as themselves or why rich men’s wives only make friends with other rich men’s wives? I am not advising that you give up your old friends just because you now make more than them but understand that wealth begets wealth. Understand that if you choose the wrong friends, you are inevitably choosing your future financial fate.

What to Do-Teach your friends how to fish. It’s more fun if your friends and you belong in the same successful category. At all times, your success demands from you productivity of everyone around you especially coupled with your own limited time. So if you have friends that are not in any way contributing to your success or offering valuable advice to make you an asset to your community, you may want to ensure you do not spend much valuable time that you can be using to make more money with them.  

SOME FRIENDS & RELATIVES WILL SUCK YOUR ENERGY- Some of these people will test your energy, patience and attitude. They will comment on all your pictures on social media so people will know they used to know you and they usually do this in a very familiar way so people can understand how far they have come with you. You may hear things like “mad man, na me and am dey go iya basira together back then”, “see how she fine for here o. I still have that picture we took in Aunty Bola’s studio. Those were the days mehn”. That way, people know they deeply know you. They may even try and place a call through to you when they are with such people who they may have boasted to that they are deeply familiar with you. Understand that many of them may not support your dreams and have no qualms about telling that to you whether privately or publicly. Be aware that you will not be able to fully commit to your dreams if you have people telling you that you can’t accomplish them. It would be hard to do so. A positive attitude is nowhere near as contagious as a negative and that’s why you have to be very careful with the things you allow into your mind and friends that will consistently tell you that.

What to do- Give such people breathing space until they get the message. A friend that aligns with your goals will be pragmatic and understand your stance while an energy sapping friend who simply likes the claim to fame will never understand. You don’t need such people.

How successful you become will depend on how much you back it with substantial actions

Success has no religion, no race, has few friends, knows no gender and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being success driven. Success recognizes dedication and is affiliated to just one action- HARD-WORK.

In your quest for success, you will have to challenge traditions, you will make people very uncomfortable with your obsession and determination and this will make them question their beliefs. And they won’t like that. Such people will try to stamp on you and kill your ambitions and goals. When you share your success dreams with people who matter, the interest is genuine and they want to be a part of it. People who don’t care will tell you from the start “It cannot work”, “It’s not possible”, “This person tried it and it didn't work”, “you will just ruin your marriage with this your success goals”, “This person is already doing it so better don’t waste your time”.

As Jason Njoku once stated, “Being successful involves travelling through a very lonely path and along the way, you will lose friends and relatives who do not understand your passionate need for success".

And like the deep lyrics of MI’s RICH song, “Ilekun ashi, ishe owo mii fi alubarika si, everything we dey face right now go turn stories, we will all be rich”. (The doors will open. May God bless my hustle & grind. Everything we are facing now will become history. We will all be rich!)

But only for those willing to do the hard work and ready to give it all it takes.

Got any type of friends or relatives that I haven’t listed above that needs to be let go to maintain success? Share and let’s be prepared to take them off our list!

5 Revealing Reasons Your Woman Won't Cheat On You

Apart from me, did anyone else notice that I used "won't" as opposed to "can't" or "don't"?

Because if the human brain still works the way it should, someone somewhere is probably scoffing or smirking at the big lie since they happen to know maybe a friend, spouse, sister, or lover that had cheated in the past. So this post is not about to affirm or choose a position that firmly believes women do not cheat. I have rather decided to focus on an angle I couldn't even find on any Google page- Why Women Won't Cheat.

Go on, take the Google challenge. I dare you to but be warned that you won't find any.

I am not sure about any other internet user but I think I have had enough of new, subtly refined but old articles popping up daily on "why men cheat" or "why women cheat". While most of these articles try to use the reversed method to explain and justify cheating from either of the partner, the articles clearly share one thing in common, they all try to suggest a partner is cheating because the other partner is to blame in some way or the other. All the articles are usually subtle not to come on as too accusing but the message on each article runs concurrently clear- A partner cheats because of the other partner.

Whether I agree or not, I'd leave you to decide after reading this post.

During a short tea break in a business school's training session somewhere in Lagos, some participants including myself engaged in a discussion surrounding the rise of female entrepreneurs and female politicians and we started a warm debate on whether we could still be submissive to our spouses after having access to so much power and influence. And sometime during this debate, we came up with banters and jokes about maybe sometime in future, the tables would be turned and women would be the ones engaging in immoral acts with public scandals around them, while the men would be the ones suffering the shame while filing for a million dollar divorce. We even went as far as mentioning some female entrepreneurs who seemed to fit our very vivid fantasy while we all agreed we would be unrepentant since the men did worse to us and how we would make them bear all we had beared in the past. We even shared some public positions right in the classroom with a classmate wanting to be the judge so we could include polygamy for women in the constitution. We even went as far as imagining the day women would get married to their spouse’s friend despite her spouse suffering from the scratch with her but since she was now so wealthy and powerful, she would be needing someone fresh & younger.

Sounds familiar?

But that's actually not what this post is going to be about. However, I doubt the day would come when women would have the higher hands in infidelity. Although, several surveys have established that women are now picking up the habit of adultery and frankly speaking, since women are more emotionally equipped and balanced to handle anything shrouded in secrecy, they stand a higher chance of never getting caught.  So despite these statistics, many women still won't succumb to infidelity as much as their counterpart male. 

What could be the reason? Religion? Love? Fear? Intimidation? Lack of confidence?

Sorry guys, but what you are about to read may very well shock you.  A woman choosing not/never to cheat has absolutely nothing to do with love, awe, weakness, lack of options nor fear. I should however state from here that this post does not in any way apply to women who have been cowed by their spouses either through domestic violence or emotional bully nor housewives who depend on their spouses for everything surrounding their daily existence as women who fall under this category most often than not have no say in anything least of all even nursing the thoughts of straying. There are many isolated reasons some women have chosen not to be influenced by the porousness of infidelity.

SHE WAS RAISED GOOD & PROPER –  I remembered vividly my first sex education from my mum. My mum was never the kind of mother that promoted childhood violence on kids. Mum had always been a strong woman with a very soft heart and who understood quite early enough that beating does not really reform children but rather made you immune to pain after a while. My dad vehemently disagreed and was eager to show his stance. So while my dad was using the military form of discipline even though he had never been inside any army barracks to my knowledge, my mum focused on the transformational form of behavioral correction through the use of evoking words. As soon as I began to see the monthly red visitor, my mum had sat me down and explained the whole process of being a woman, and yes, she said it- "any man that smiles at you can get you pregnant". (You have no idea how that haunted me until I was in my mid-twenties and finally read “Everyday Woman!”) She also told me I was already pretty and when a man tells me I am pretty, he was not complimenting me but stating a known fact and that my body belonged to God and myself. And that I was responsible for how people will handle it. And she also said the greatest punchline ever- "A man will respect you when you remain a virgin until your wedding night". Mehn, my mum really ruined me that night bad! With those words, my mum made sure I abhorred before even understanding what these meant- one night stands, casual sex, cheap psyches, ear piercing phonee speaking niggas with dreadlocks, black-lipped dudes who smoked like a chimney, drugs of any kind, alcohol, and body abuse. By the time she was done with me that night, out of 17 billion men on earth, 16,999,999 of them had been crossed off my list forever. (Don't ask about the rest. Shey I no try?) That very day, my mum re-birthed an extremely confident lady with a little bit of arrogance towards the opposite sex. Same can be said about other women that grew up with a mum like mine. When a woman is raised well especially by mothers born between the 50’s and 60’s who told all their daughters pregnancy could be transmitted through handshake or smiles, no matter the age or situation in life, it sets the foundation of every action such lady would take in future and cheating would not be one of them. Our mothers made sure of that. A good mother may forgive you being a failure at school or not knowing how to cook for your partner but infidelity from a daughter she raised would be considered the first commandment which is unforgivable. And no matter the age, power or wealth of a good woman, our mothers’ approval is key for us. So when a woman is raised well, she WILL resist every form of temptation because that was the only way she had been raised. Losing control of any situation is incongruous to a good woman. A good woman remains a good woman no matter the travails her spouse or time may bring her way. And good girls were not born, they were made by good mothers. However, whether a cheating spouse is a yardstick for measuring how good a woman is would be another topic for another day.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY REASON TO CHEAT……YET- Women understand that cheating is overrated but men don’t. A woman that is going to cheat or has cheated won't be confiding in anyone because she knows no matter how good it makes her feel, cheating is still cheating. She knows this and knows her whole essence will be judged by her piousness and fidelity. As a result, a woman that already has a reason to cheat won't talk the talk but will walk the talk. Women like to believe that they have a more sophisticated justification behind when and why they cheat – and it’s very possible they do. And when it comes to cheating, women are much more logical and more calculating than their male counterparts. Logic keeps a woman from straying, especially when she believes she will get caught. Unlike men that are only as faithful as their options since a man may only be able to resist temptations when they are few, women can stay faithful till the very end no matter the number of options available. However, this will only be possible if there is no reason for her to consider those options just yet. When a woman is going through a major transition, not feeling adequately celebrated, feels a relationship is ending, knows the man is cheating or it’s simply just boring in the bedroom, she already feels she has a justified reason to cheat. And because women are better liars as they are more psychologically sophisticated, they make very calculated plans and have strategies which a man may never find out until she has a Russian baby for you even though you are both full Africans. And unlike a man who may hide the identity of his side partner, a woman understands the only way to get away with cheating is to make her side partner known to her spouse so that way, even if she accidentally drops his name in the middle of a conversation, it would be natural. And because women are much better at keeping their affairs secret, once a woman has a reason to cheat, it will just happen without any announcement. So if a woman is not cheating, it has nothing to do with love nor religion nor vows, she hasn't just gotten any major reason to cheat so you may want to consider not giving her any. 

SHE IS NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH– Have you ever wondered why powerful men with pivotal professions commit adultery? With so much to lose, why do they risk it for a fling? Power! Power is sweet and intoxicating. The ability to control a certain number of people either through wealth or through an influential position can bring out the beast in just about anyone and a woman in a position of power can either create something beautiful or be a weapon of destruction to her spouse and other men around her. And a woman in power is one of the greatest aphrodisiac to men. The more powerful a woman, the more alluring and exciting other men find her. Unlike men in power who cheat with no decorum, a woman in power understands she has a lot to lose and as such will ensure the highest level of discretion. That we haven’t heard of powerful women straying affirms the earlier statement of women being better at keeping secrets. Whereas a powerful man can be brought down by a mistress who would threaten to reveal all their secrets, a powerful cheating woman can be a very dangerous one who may consider getting rid of any threat. Once a powerful woman begins to cheat, the die is cast. When a man starts cheating, he wants to brag to the world and inform his inner clique that he still got the game. He wants to huff and puff his chest to all his mates about the kind of women he can still attract. Because how else can you explain a man taking a side game to a party with his friends & some family members? To simply show off! To a man, it is a form of ego trip especially when the side chick is a very attractive and younger one so they need to brag to their friends and let them know that yeah, they still got it. A powerful woman wouldn't do that because she understands the most forbidden secrets are the most intriguing and intoxicating. And when a man starts cheating, he gives off the vibe that he believes no one can see no matter how powerful he can be. But this will be visible to everyone including his spouse. A recently conducted survey of 1,561 professional, revealed that the more power women had in their control, the more likely they were to cheat. Plus, the more power women had, the more confident they were. And power mixed with confidence is attractive to both sexes. When a woman is in a position of immense power, there is a higher likelihood for her to wander especially if the gateway/reason to cheat has been opened by her spouse. I am certain many men who refuse to let their wives work fully understand the many temptations career women face hence the need to bully their wives into being housewives.

SHE HAS NEVER CHEATED BEFORE- A famous quote once said “Once you see results, it becomes an addiction”. This applies to infidelity as well. When a woman has never cheated, crossing over the line to start cheating is the greatest and the most difficult challenge that many of us do not bother to cross. However, as a married woman, I have faced temptations from determined men who are somehow fixated on unavailability but my fidelity had never been shaken because I do not know nor understand what it means to be committed to one man and still be considering another one. Do not mistaken me for a saint, however, because I never had to cheat as a single woman, the hurdle of crossing over to adultery after marriage will be very impossible. Same can be said of other women that are either in relationships or married. This does not mean women who fall under temptation are less human than those that haven't but the only time a woman can bravely fight the hard challenge of fidelity is when she has never attempted to cheat. But that minute, that second and that defining moment a woman gets to cheat for the first time and gets away with it, the battle is already lost until she chooses to stop herself or she loses something monumental as a result of her infidelity(usually the latter). Just like the popular meme, “Once a hater always a hater”, for a first time cheat, it is “Once a cheat, continuously a cheat”. The winning tip is to fight that first phase of never beginning the act of infidelity.

SHE IS SCARED OF GETTING CAUGHT– Sorry guys! It’s bad enough just knowing your woman has a higher chance of cheating if she becomes powerful or when you give her a reason to. Now, I have to shatter your ego by letting you know the reason your woman is yet to stray is because she is not certain she won’t ever get caught, not because she is wrapped in your love. However, as a result of engaging in several group discussions across several social media platforms as well as physical conversations with friends and acquaintances, I can categorically assert that the female imagination runs much higher and wilder than the man, oh way more than you can ever imagine! (Before a woman will allow you touch her intimately, she has imagined you both together intimately and she had liked what she saw. If she had created a fantasy and imagination around you and she didn't like the way it played out in her imagination, you stand no chance in real life bro!) And from several discussions, women fantasize much more than men and when they fantasize, that tall chunky male in their imaginations isn't you. Sorry again guys! And from surveys carried out on the internet, many women admit that the reason they haven’t cheated on their current partner is because they aren't sure they won’t ever get caught. And many went further to admit that if there was a 100% chance of never getting caught, they will cheat. 

The reason I chose not to come in from the religious angle of the Bible/Quran preaching fidelity is because I have seen many women that, out of the 30 days in the month, they spend 29 days fasting while 21 nights out of 30 days, they spend it observing vigils. Yet for some miraculous reasons, their white wedding gowns reveal them in their final trimester glory with a proudly protruding belly nearly touching the Imam/Pastor/Priest while tying the nuptial knots. So it is safe to assume that infidelity is not affiliated in any way to religion whatsoever. From Hajias who get pregnant before marriage to sisters in the Lord that have pre-marital immaculate conception, we can all agree that temptation is a very powerful tool that anyone can fall victim to, especially women who slept with their present spouse before marriage, no matter how well bred. Because if a man that isn't a woman's husband can convince her to sleep with him, another man also can(sorry again guys!). 

And ironically, many articles stereotypically focus on why men cheat and why women cheat. But rather than follow the band wagon of writers who are eager to advise women for the zillionth time on what not to do to make their men stray(an overrated, over flogged & outdated topic if you ask me), I’d rather society starts sharing a more realistic view stance on why women would not cheat. I use the team "would" because contrary to several articles stating otherwise, cheating is a choice, a personal choice. When a man/woman crosses over from one bed to another, they have thought it through and have reached the conclusion "Whatever".

Whether you agree or not depends on your gender and your straying stage-: an anti-cheat, a pre-cheat, an intra-cheat or a post-cheat. You don’t have to share your stance publicly though because just like religion, your heated opinion will clearly reveal which side of the fence you are currently sitting.

Long Post Alert – Nigerian Marriages & Counseling

Really, you think!

For some time now, I have been trying to get a fellow blogger to reach out to a renowned marriage counselor to assist in saving her marriage. Because according to her, her marriage is not only about to hit the rocks but it is highly likely she will be throwing her hubby against that proverbial rock.

Like I mentioned to her, while I appreciated the fact that she reached out to me hoping I could come up with some funny but wise hard facts about marriage that will help her, I was able to let her understand that I am NOT even remotely qualified to offer any professional advice or counselling on Marriage, Divorce or Separation. Most times, I simply use my own still short marital experiences to touch on surface issues surrounding marriage at the early stage and how it has worked for me but my neck is still rather short in this long term institution called marriage.

I am a fairly newly married woman myself and still trying to balance my very inherent feminist nature with being a submissive African wife my Hubby has been dreaming about- someone to serve him breakfast like 6:00am and hot pounded yam at any time he gets home after 9:00pm. And according to him, my marital performance KPI is still very unimpressive in that area but well, like I remind him daily, at least, I’m not too proud to cook for you or clean up after you so biko, drop it. (Yeah, like I said the feminist part is still a struggle). But if you ask me, I believe this fellow blogger reached out to me because she needed someone more equipped to dish out the right kind of counselling and an expert listener to talk to, vent her anger and basically share her fears and pains. It didn't matter that she had been married much longer than I am. She probably just wanted a near stranger that seems wise and capable of giving good advice and who wouldn't judge nor conclude that it was her fault her marriage was on its way to the famous rocks. 

One of the major problems among several others that pervades Nigeria is the non-existence of marriage counselling centers devoid of religious sentiments. Many couples don’t have any reputable place or person to turn to when faced with issues that threaten their marriages. Which is why a married woman suffering from domestic abuse reports to the police and they tell her to go home and settle it as it’s a domestic issue. Or when she runs to her pastor/imam that her husband is sleeping with the maid and maltreating her in the process, they advise her to go back home and love her husband the more and that the lord God almighty will perform wonders and turn his mind back to her. Most times, by the time he comes back to his senses, enough damage would have been permanently done.

No doubt, some turn to their relatives too but so often than not, they complicate situations as many African parents would rather die first than have their child come back home a divorcee or a separated spouse. This is why domestic abuse and violence has lasted this long in Africa and yet to be curbed because frankly speaking, once you are married, it is no longer about your happiness but how long you managed to stay a “Mrs” and to Africans, “better to die married than to die separated or God forbid, divorced”. That is why there are several domestic abuse cases, murdered wives, women whose spouses have poured boiling oil or acid on them and the erring spouses are still roaming around freely. In Nigeria, it just seems incongruous and basically unheard of to jail a man for assaulting the wife he paid her bride price.

Africans will never understand why a marriage will never work after all these gifts. You  bera let it work.

You will then start hearing things like this after any form of assault, whether physical or verbal, “iwo naa wa ma shey suru nii”, wan nii suru nan ii”, “oko lolori aya”, “bi awon okunrin shey man shey niyen” “adura na lama fi gbogbo e sii”. The wife is usually expected to pray for things to get better and endure till it does. It doesn't matter what- it could be domestic violence, verbal abuse, serial cheating. It could be anything. The woman just HAS to endure- sayeth the religious leader and her parents who have converted her old room to a store for Daddy’s old books and equipment.

Now, let me clearly state that I have no problems with prayers. In fact, since I got married, I have upped my praying skills thanks to my mum-in-law who updates my Christian life with several prayer points and novena (I have a whole lot in my purse and bag, a whole lot!). But just like no level of fasting or prayer can help you pass an exam you didn’t even prepare for, no amount of mountain climbing prayers will help you salvage a marriage that you or your partner do not work to save. Yes, you heard right. It takes each partner to make a marriage work. If one party is no longer interested, no amount of prayer will turn their mind around unless THEY decide to change and acknowledge that marriage is supposed to be a mutually beneficial and happy union.

Many women are enduring their marriages hoping that one day, they will wake up to a brand new husband with a changed heart and behavior. This is why you see lots of celebrities with wandering husbands coming out in public to declare “I can never leave my husband no matter what he does. All you haters, go and die”. In as much as I admire their courage to endure despite the embarrassment and shame that trails them based on an adulterous spouse, I can’t help but wonder aloud, wasn't your marriage vows kinda null and void the minute adultery took place since that was part of the vows you took before the Lord? I mean, would HE take you back if he were the recipient of so much online shame due to your infidelity? I’m sure such woman will probably end it with “It’s a man’s world, after all our fore fathers did it. Abegi free me. You think I will let one babe come and enjoy all I have worked for?”. Because at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. The more wealthy the erring/cheating spouse, the more enduring the woman is. Women married to wealthy men endure infidelity so as not to "lose" all the perks that come with it even though they may be weeping in private. Same applies to men though. If the woman is the sole breadwinner of the home and disrespects the man in every way, he tends to endure just so she can continue feeding the family.

The richer the erring spouse, the more enduring the victim spouse becomes.

But that’s another pondering topic for another day.

I am no advocate for divorce as I heard my pastor very loud and clear when he mentioned for better for worse at the aisle, but I don’t think enduring helps anyone except making the woman a shadow of her former self with a Hubby that just doesn’t care anymore, what with the long legged Cynthia at his office and the voluptuous Vanessa he met at the banking hall recently. Also, why would a man want to stay in a marriage when the lights are fading and the woman has not done anything to turn back the lights on? I mean, do most couples understand that marriage is like breathing? You have got to want to stay married as bad as you want to breathe. If you are going to stay married, you have to be willing to give up distractions and be willing to seek opinions from people qualified to give it. And the first step to resuscitating a dying marriage is to admit you are both dwindling fast and need the professional assistance from an expert. And most times, both parties may want to work out their issues and are willing to make it work, but they don’t know where to turn as their pastors/imam will just read a part of the Bible/Quran that encourages long suffering and how some woman in the Bible/Quran got rewarded for being enduring. And will round off the emergency counseling by giving them more verses to read in the Bible/Quran while their relatives will only hammer on the P&E- Pray & Endure methods that worked for our ancestors and we are no exception, and without any concrete advice or resolution methods per say, but will usually end the solicited counseling the same way it had been ending for 75 generations of women before us-  ‘Iwo lo ma shey suru o”.

This is where a relationship/marriage counselor comes in.

No doubt, marriage counseling has been around for a while and most religious houses such as mosques and churches now enforce marriage counseling classes for couples before they tie the knot. However, all the counselling classes are only available before the marriage and they are no longer really open to married couples after the marriage. It’s only when the situation is very dire and life threatening do these married couples run back to their churches/mosques for help. And by the time they are going back to their religious leaders to complain, a lot of damage would have taken place.

Truth is however, sometimes, it is good to have a stranger specially one that is trained to manage marital issues save a marriage. At times, all a marriage needs is a neutral listener and counselor to give succinct advice that is devoid of any religious quotes or prayer sessions. At times, it helps a couple to vent, rage, cry, throw accusations in a neutral setting devoid of non-judgmental advice nor an advice that will be overflowing with over-religious sanctimony.

There are a lot of divorce cases pending in Nigeria courts today- some with very flimsy and ridiculous excuses that may have been averted if there was some form of post-wedding marriage counselling platform or center. (I use the term “may” loosely because there are lots of marriage counselors in the western world, in fact so much that they can even be said to be more than the married couples and their divorce rates are still quite high so suffice to say that it is not fool-proof). But I believe that a neutral counseling platform is something that's next to nil in this part of the world and which would be useful in helping couples work out their issues rather than calling family meetings and have the wife chastised for not being patient, prayerful and enduring since the man is still a growing child and needs to be allowed to err and grow at his own pace.

However, recognizing the need for an effective counseling platform for people to share their problems anonymously and seek advice from qualified experts worldwide who have been brought together under one e-Umbrella, a group of young socialpreneurs in Nigeria have decided to use technology for social good by providing a free e-Counseling platform,  Seek "a" Counsel which is set to launch in a few days. They have also been able to gather some of the most successful and renown counselors in different counseling fields worldwide to cater to every type of counseling- domestic abuse, depression, low self-esteem, divorce, bereavement, marriage, relationship, youth development, personality development, career guidance, life coaching etc.

To keep up to date regarding this novel and laudable initiative, you can sign up on their website here to know as soon as they launch and you can also follow them on Facebook here.

Until then, know this for a fact- A good marriage starts from a good upbringing. We owe our children good upbringing as statistics have shown that most people exhibit the training they  had while growing up in their marriages. If we do not train our kids (especially the boys) to be accountable and face the consequences of their actions, they will believe anything goes.

So, start shaping those habits and traits you want your child to exhibit in his future self from today and don't be a parent to a bad spouse.