The Work-Place: Muted Facts

At a popular business school in Lagos where I was opportune to be engaged in a class discussion with other course mates, the conversation suddenly steered outside the topic that was the reason we were there in the first place and we all were able to discover that the only differences in our respective work places are the names of the companies. And the remuneration packages. Then the benefits. Then the bosses.

Yup yup! Na by salary o.

It was a revealing session as different employees from different companies shared hilarious unspoken office rules that had never been documented but everyone just know.

And no, we didn’t spend the whole day discussing these unproductive rules. We were able to get our money value from the lectures as I also want to be that colleague in no. 6. Loool

Enjoy!

1)      The boss is always right, no matter your qualifications or experiences. Boss na boss.

2)      The more hard working and committed you are, the more enemies you will make at work. My sister, it’s nothing personal o. People are wired to hate any form of progress. (Even me sef, I saw a colleague we came in together wear one expensive hair and lipstick and fear catch me say, “abi they have increased her salary nii?” looool. We all have it and it is very inherent.)

3)      You will ONLY be as good as your last good job. (So my dear, that you closed a billion naira deal 6yrs ago is not an avenue to buy into the company’s shares forever o. If you are doing anyhow as of today, na go be that o.)

4)      When your boss calls you into a meeting and tells you it’s time to think of improving productivity in your unit, lmao, my dear, it means you are under performing o. You better have cogent reasons why you should make this year’s bonus and not get replaced by someone in your team.

5)      Anyone is dispensable and replaceable in the company o. Do not let anybody or HR deceive you that you are valuable then you start floating on air with an air of misplaced importance and acting like the boss’s favourite. Abi you have not heard the Yoruba proverb, (“eyin ti aja fin ba omo e shere na lofi ma geje?” The teeth the dog uses to play with the puppy is the same that is used to bite it). So just make sure you exceed and meet expectations and targets otherwise, you will become familiar with your rival before your termination of employment. Looool. (An acquaintance actually experienced this as he overinflated his importance while with the company and unknowingly his performance dropped. The company brought in his rival AND had him train the guy and when they were sure the new guy was good to resume, omo, they bounced this dude o. Loool. That’s just the worst form of evil).

6)      There will always be that colleague that you just cannot exactly pinpoint what they do at work all day but for some strange reasons, their monthly remuneration quadruples yours. (Looool. My dear, don’t rule out jazz for this one o).

7)      There will be days when you will be tempted to walk into your boss’s office and just cry out, “WHY?” with tears streaming down your face. (Some grapevine tells me some actually go on their knees in that process. This ponmo life sha.)

8)      There will always be that employee that will be acting like Sherlock Holmes and the CIA spy for one of the bosses or even the main boss. Yes, they exist. And they are actual people like you and me (still under debate on whether they have horns though). So beware of those colleagues that ask questions that start with “why”, “how”, and worst of all, “who”.

9)      There will be days when you will have a very vivid vision of you saying “I quit” probably during a meeting with your bosses and standing and walking out straight to your car and driving off with your bosses looking with mouth agape and some calling you back to renegotiate your compensation terms. You have had such thoughts? THAT, my dear is where it ends o! No try am for real life o. It’s just thoughts and vivid imagination. The day you try it, your security card will be disabled before the word “quit” is out of your mouth. Loool

10)  All bosses are actually the same everywhere. Trust me. I know. You should also know by now. Same everywhere. So if you do not get along with your boss, let it not be the reason you quit except you are going to start your own company. It’s like there is a school they all attend for tutoring on how to act the same (I will stop here sha for job security reasons sha since Shell have refused to poach me)

11)  Within one month of you joining the company, the powers that be actually know whether to invest in you or not. Don’t let anyone bobo you with a lengthy “successor evaluation consideration tale” my dear. That’s another term to mean “we are not satisfied with what you are doing and are currently headhunting for someone who will replace you but while we are searching, still be performing your duties since it’s better than leaving the seat blank”. Na true o.

12)  Be humble. Daz the koko.The average African leader is egocentric. This is where you may need to finesse your a**e kissing skills. And trust me, it’s a selling skill o. (I have seen various a**e kissing at play and I assure you it generates returns. I won’t just mention names. Looool)

13)  Have I mentioned that anyone, apart from the company’s owner, is dispensable and very replaceable? Oh, I have? Very well then, just to be clear!

14)  Politics existed before you joined the company and yes, will continue after you. (This means politics was very much at play before you were employed and after you may have left. Abi how did you think you were selected from a large applicant pool of 5000? Your black soap? Hian! Acknowledge it and give it all the respect it deserves in the work place o before politics will see you to the door.)

15)  Except you are making 1 billion naira daily for your company, you are extremely replaceable and dispensable. In fact you will be amazed that the company already knows who will be replacing you should there be the need. Oh, I had said that earlier? Looool, I just like to be sure that you got the message. So sheathe the arrogance and cocky stride mait!

16)  Some of your colleagues are better politicians than you will ever be. Some people were born and trained to know how to kiss the appropriate amount of a**e. We call them gifted. (This means some colleagues of yours are trained "kiss-a**e masters". You may only find out after they have left to someplace else to kiss more qualitative a**es that they were probably earning 4 times your salary despite having the same qualifications and experiences)

17)  There will always be that boss that does not like you. (Don’t force it. Some people were born grumpy. Their parents and those they came across before you could not make them happy so keep the abracadabra magic for someone who will be open to your a**e kissing acts.)

18)  Some of your colleagues will not like you no matter how white your teeth appear to shine or the number of coupons you distribute. (Yup, simple as that. No excuses or explanation. Some people just did not get the emotional intelligence gene)

19)  You will find out at some point that you actually are more knowledge than a boss you report to. But I will like to ask. And so? Kini itan yen kowa? What’s the moral of the story? Because, frankly, nobody cares. (Well, except your father owns the company sha o or you are the side chic to the owner. And your game better be very tight.)

20)  Having four degrees and sixteen certificates will NOT earn you a managerial role. (Remember Politics? I thought as much!)

21)   If in your mind, you have shot your boss a million times or done worse, please console yourself knowing you aren’t the only one. (I can link you to several mind psychotics like yourself. Loool)

22)  All your online activities are probably being monitored at work. Did I say probably? Scratch that,, Your online and offline activities ARE being watched. (So you want to be careful with those unlawful sites you visit. Hehehehe. And yes, all your IP addresses and cookies are being saved for reference purposes.)

23)  If you assist a colleague to complete a task up to 5 times that is not in your job description, it will be added to your job description and becomes one of your performance measurement task. (Hehehehe. Talk about work inheritance.)

24)  Your colleague is not the same thing as a friend. Under the algebra equation, this means your colleague is NOT your friend. Shikena. For your own psychological sake of watching a close friend get promoted up to four times before you even achieve a lateral transfer, try not to have any clique or form any unnecessary emotional attachment at work. (I am telling you o. You are all there to make money and get up the corporate ladder as fast and simultaneous as possible so we know survival is for the fittest. There are no friends at the work place. People will use you for their own gain so save the loyalty & famzing crap for your life OUTSIDE the office. Your loyalty is only for your employer. Chikena.)

25)  There is nothing called secret at the work place. GET THAT CLEAR. For every secret shared in the work place, everybody gets to know about it before the month runs out. (Did I say month? I meant the week! If you don’t want it passed around, take it to your grave. Channel E has nothing where office gossip is concerned. Know that before you share that piece of information that will change people’s opinion about you.)

26)  Your colleagues are your adopted siblings. You spend more active times with them than your actual siblings. Try and form a relationship. (The term “office snob” is no longer a sexy term. You want to get swift news on promotion, the person being laid off, compensation benefits in view and other office gossip stories, right? Then make friends. Not cliques. Friends! )

27)  Anyone, absolutely anyone is dispensable and replaceable. (Wait a minute, you own 50% or 100% stake in the company? Oh, you don’t? Then you are very dispensable. Let that be your mantra while you give in our best at work.)

28)  The boss is always right. At all times o. (So always try and start your conversation with “I was wondering”. Always wonder. Always!)

29)  Competition is a friendly match in the work place and there will always be winners and losers. #HardFactsWithinTheOffice#

30)  Successful career progression is all about what you know, who you know and how you know. (Not necessarily in that order sha o)

N:B: All office facts were shared humorously during different conversation series amongst various employees of different companies and not in any way directly related to a singular individual’s personal experience but a collective experience of different employees in different organizations. Additional feedbacks are welcome.

A Call to Aspiring Entrepreneurs on 14-01-2014: "Crocodile In The Yangtze" (The Alibaba Story)

I love danger & thrive on huge risks.

There, it's out. I said it. *whew*

Which was why my adrenaline was pumping furiously when I came across this movie title. As soon as I heard the name "Crocodile in the Yangtze", mehn, see visual images I was having o. I had a very vivid but exciting image of some extremely dangerous carnivorous and hungry crocodiles tearing out the flesh of all my enemies like the cannibals in the movie "Wrong Turn 4". 

Don't you just love horror films!

My excitement knew no bounds and I went straight to the movie's website and even extended the search to imdb.com/spoilers to know if there were any survivors between the crocodiles and the humans as we all know there are usually no survivors in horror movies.

I clicked on the page with excited testosterones and furiously pumping heartbeat but to my bloodthirsty disappointment, nobody died and no shedding of blood, whatsoever. 

Dang!

Crocodile in the Yangtze

The movie focuses on the pains, gains, losses and finally triumphs of an English teacher that changed the world in his own way.(So all ye teachers, you don't have to limit yourself to the blackboard and the school assembly ground.)

Spread your wings, soar and flyyyyyyy! (Figuratively o)

"Crocodile in the Yangtze" is about winning and losing, counting losses and gains, taking innovative decisions that could make or mar your business, considering the risks of branching out and several innovative moves on the fast growing internet techies and other risky business ideas that could work for you or count against you and so many other risks that I love and thrive on taking!!!!  (Well, that I will take someday)

It is the story of how Alibaba.com came to be.

Now, maybe because my Bachelor's degree was centred along the Arts region and my Associate in the Business segment, this movie trailer and the unspoken reference and permeating presence of the win-lose motif throughout as shown in the trailer made me know this movie is a must watch for me. 

An esoteric statement by the way which some people are still trying to decipher. loool

I intend to be an entrepreneur someday and I already have an idea what I intend to dabble into and watching this movie will open eyes and minds to avenues & ways of handling competitions and how to grow in a very competitive world where second position does not count.

Yes o! For me, it's all or nothing. You are either in or out.

You want to learn about how one man changed his side of the world and still going strong despite many competitions &detractors around him?

Then “Crocodile in the Yangtze” is a must watch. If you are in the entrepreneurial field and have young leaders you currently mentor, this movie is a great idea to help get them started while building a high morale and passionate optimism which every aspiring entrepreneur MUST HAVE.

Tickets can be purchased on http://www.konga.com/crocodile-in-the-yangtze 

I'd be giving away 6 tickets by the way so if interested, just buzz me. Whoever has the initials: T, K, E, O, J, N, U, G, A, as the first letter of their first name or their last name gets one ticket. (Na one ticket per family/dynasty/clan o because una too like free tinzz)

Abeg, you will buy your popcorn yasef. Awoof get limit.

War Against Domestic Violence, or Violence of any kind really.

I am not tolerant of violence, people, things, slow people and things, unintelligence, slow people, hypocrites, violence, dishonest people, piss takers, pathological liars, slow people, violence, hypocrites, unintelligence, slow people, violence, things, cruelty, daftness, unintelligence, slow people.

Let me know when I start repeating myself o. But you get my drift, right?

I do not have any tolerance bone in me for anything actually. I know that. My tolerance level for almost everything is non-existent, especially when it involves repetition, or violence as this case may be. So it is really a surprise that I am in an eternal bonding (I won’t rule out jazz o) with Hubby who is the opposite of me where organization is concerned and I have to whine repetitively on the need for faultless organisation of the house.(not nag o but just repeat myself in a tush way).

I still maintain that he jazzed me *sniffs*

Anyway, back to the serious matter at hand.

One of the most dominant words that we get to use a lot in this country and even beyond the shores of Nigeria: TOLERANCE. Everybody seems to have that at the tip of their tongue and simply throw it into a conversation requiring a response to the solicited advice being sought, or an even unsolicited one. Politicians tell citizens, “Be patient, Rome was not built in a day. America got it right only after 200 years” (abi is it 100 years, answer na Columbus?) Either way, while being tolerant, many citizens lose their loved ones due to mishap caused by non-existing facilities the government did not provide.

Husbands tell wives “You have to be patient and tolerant with me. Even Dangote and Adenuga did not make it at once” (While he is tapping into Caro’s anointing outside o).

Parents are quick to tell their crying daughters who run home to report that their hubbies are beating them, “you have to be tolerant and persevere as marriage is not a bed of roses. Suru ati iteriba loro yii gba. (Patience and Submission is the most important thing here) You must be doing something wrong. Go home and beg him. Be more submissive. If he is upset, beg him, give him food. Be more tolerant and patient and God will see you through.”(Until they receive her dead body)

Nonsense! Oshisco! Iranu!

In today’s society, it seems that we would rather let a violent marriage endure itself until the woman is dead because of so much importance not just attached to marriage itself but the word “Mrs”. And we would prefer to allow a very violent man to self-destruct himself and his family rather than dare to confront him or even arrest him, which is not even done as the police is quick to let you know “na domestic matter, abeg make una go resolve am for house. Madam make you too dey take am easy and Oga no go dey beat you again”.

Yup! In Nigeria, that’s the notion. When a man beats a woman, it’s her fault.

And you find out that the tolerance of domestic violence is much more pronounced in Nigeria, the most religious country in the world, the country where you are quick to be reminded hell is your forte if you question anything more than what is deemed acceptable: Acceptable here means questions that have been asked AND answered. Ask any question that threatens the total comfortability of everyone’s belief and you hear the word “anti-Christ”, “end times”, “not religious enough”. Marriage dissolution itself is considered an act of anti-Christ which is why women will rather die as a “Mrs” than to revert back to “Miss”.

Oh ye violent tolerant wife, is there like an orgasmic effect for every slap, kick, blow, knock meted out to you by your Vandamme husband? I mean, is there like a kind of pleasurable pain derived when he practises his Jet-Li moves on your soft body?

Because I do not freaking get it! I really don’t.

This post may actually break all language ethics and diplomacy WILL NOT be used but hey, it’s my page. I am currently not writing for kids so if you hate for your deluded Eldorado state to be shaken by the blunt words you will see below, it really is advisable that you stop here and close this page.

I see so many women coming on social media requesting for advice on what to do as their hubbies are beating them and some hypocritical comments are pasted with the first being “Pray to God and he will help you”.

Will that be before the first blow or after the sixth slap?

News Flash: God WILL NOT come down and help you solve a man-made problem. Oh yes! The wisdom and knowledge you will use to deal with a violent spouse has already been bestowed on you. THAT is what God gives to you and that is the only one you will be getting.

Deal with that truth!

And some women are quick to let you know they are staying because of their children if you so much as ask them to consider other options.

Arabirin, I am afraid to be the one to break it to you but, should you pass on due to health implications of consistent violence, your children will call daddy’s new wife “Mummy”. And if you are lucky, daddy will let them keep your old pictures. But if on the other hand, step mummy is the kind of step mum that Binta in the Papa Ajasco series had, my dear, only your widower will know where you are buried and that you ever existed at one time.

Na so o my sister! Na so.

In case you are not aware, violence is a cycle. Once your children become aware that their father beat you and that you have come to accept it like people accept Christ as their Lord and saviour, you have automatically sealed their fate. And you have shaped the lives of your sons as they WILL try the same with their wives since they do not know better, especially if the violence started when they were still at an impressionable stage. And if their wives are like you and they accept this family norm of yours, then you and I know we have a doomed society, right? And as for your daughters, you have unconsciously passed across a notion to them that it is quite ok for a man to walk all over them and they in turn will grow up to marry someone who will take advantage, beat them and still have them apologising.

Not good for the society as a whole ma. Not good at all.

When you stay in a violent marriage because of your children, you are inadvertently letting them know that violence is an acceptable act in marriage and that there are no choices or options but to accept these violent acts because marriage is eternally binding.

Not to digress, sometime last week, the pope was quoted to have said that God is ever evolving and does not judge people as some passages in the bible are seen as portraying God as judgemental and unforgiving and as a result, some passages in the bible are out-dated.

Oh boy!

The comments that followed were not for small children o as they were so judgemental, filled with hypocrisy and as usual, over sabi worshippers who have been to heaven before to know those that will make it and those that won’t, as they are usually quick to condemn whatever threatens all they believe.

People like the idea of tolerance because it sounds like it is a palatable “live and let live” approach to life. It’s a mentality that sells well in this jet world because it seems so inclusive and it sounds so accepting. Everyone wants to be tolerant of different craps meted out to them and the supposed worst thing you can be today is intolerant or judgmental, as this means you will say things that will threaten people’s stance and beliefs.

Crap! Like he didn’t make a point.

Like we don’t know some worship centres do not acknowledge the old testaments because the beliefs there do not favour their neo colonialism mode of worship or if some passages are not out-dated, why do we not indulge in “eye for an eye” anymore or why are we advocating for one man one wife in today’s age when the great men in the bible got married to more than one wife?

But this is Nigeria anyway, when it comes to religion, we pick what we want and discard the rest and other’s beliefs.

That itself is another topic for another day.

To all the married women out there enduring violence, I believe you have a choice to be a role model to your daughters and do the needful by taking charge of your life, because when you let your daughters know that it is okay for a man to beat you and you do nothing about it, she will grow up believing she is a lesser being to a man and will grow with a low self-esteem and get married to a man who will repeat same and the cycle continues.

If you are going to stay with a violent man, let it be due to your unusual thrill for pain and not because of your children as no child will be proud of a weak mother with low self-esteem. And this self-esteem is usually as a result of lack of empowerment.

Na that one dey vex me pass.

Is it me or does it seem like majority of women that suffer violence in marriages are usually housewives? What does that tell you?

Get a job! Do something! Be independent!

NEWS FLASH: It will really be hard for a man to take advantage of a woman who is working, enlightened, exposed and self-sufficient to boot. It is almost impossible. Let no man born of woman dictate your path and your future. Yes, tolerance and perseverance in marriage sounds pretty good. But, in deep reality of today, it is actually pretty bad. Why?  

Because it doesn’t work. Why?

Human beings are piss takers. The term housewives, like some passages in the bible, are out-dated. It should even be a sin to you and your ears as a woman for a man to suggest that you should be a housewife.

House whaaaaat? This relationship is over bro! Delete my number.

Empower yourself before entering any serious relationship madam, so that a man will think twice and deep before bringing up such nonsense term that went out with the 1800’s.

Did I say 1800’s? Apologies! I meant the days of yore!

That by itself is a huge sign of insecurity and a chauvinistic concept to the core. Not just for you, but for your children. All that you need to survive as a married woman has been bestowed upon you the minute you accepted that there is no other God but him. Every other prayer you take to him is an update and he will bless you further with more wisdom and understanding to deal with every situation. Every other variable that leads to what you do is left to you and your following actions.

ANOTHER NEWS FLASH: God does not perform magic.

If a violent man wants to do away with his ways, it’s not because you fasted for 50 days while enduring so much torture and pain. It’s because he reconciled with his own inner God and DECIDED to change.

Yes he can change but advisably for your health, be somewhere else that he is not during this transition stage. Bring up your daughters to be self-sufficient, independent, and confident and in such a way that when they finally meet a man, they will both know that this relationship is not a needy one but for two complete people who will respect each other in every way possible.

I am still thinking about it and I am just too upset.

For the mothers, fathers of abused women who make it so difficult for their children to consider walking out of a violent home, another day and another time for una.

Let’s just hope your abused daughters will still be alive by then.

By the way, hearty Cheers to the incoming New Year!!!

I. N. T. E. G. R. I. T. Y: Thou art elusive!

An elusive concept/value.

One that should be in everyone's genes. It's about how we are raised, how we act and react, how we deal with ourselves and most importantly, how we deal with others.

Sadly, it is a fast fading concept right from the lowest cadre to the highest. And without trying to put the cart before the horse, let me take you back to the epistemological definition of the word integrity (now, where did that come from). 

It has been defined according to the Webster's dictionary (or is it Oxford?) as “a quality of being honest and fair. In another breath, it has also been defined as a steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.  But I won’t be surprised sha if a child under 15 years old reading this on my blog has a deep confused furrow on his/her brows and turns to his/her folks and says, “daddy, what is integrity”?

Yes, it is that bad and in case you are wondering what brought about this topic or where this inspiration came from, I will tell u. At no extra cost!

I was on my way to work this morning and I beckoned on those maigidas (abi abokis or mallams? No be same?) selling Orbit and the likes as I can be a sweet tooth some times. And I really don't know what made me ask the dude selling how much the Orbit was despite already rummaging inside my Louis Vuitton bag(na you sabi) for the exact amount I knew it was being sold for, and he announced in a rather unruffled way “N500”.

Whaaaaaaaaat!!!! Orbit of N200??? You dey craze????

You should have seen the way I went on and on in serious Queens English o, telling him it's people like him that won't make Nigeria progress and how MKO Abiola was killed and Muritala Muhammad was murdered due to corruption and I think I must have mentioned the open letter OBJ wrote to Jonathan somewhere in between my rants o, and I kept asking him in a rather heated & slightly raised voice whether it was because I asked for the price. And in a more angry and bewildered tone, I went further to ask whether it was because I was putting on a Fossil wristwatch with a lovely H & C shirt with my Loubotin heels and my Gucci bag (yeah yeah bite me, I like to look and feel good on Monday mornings)

Queen Elizabeth would have been proud of my diction and intonation.

At that moment, the aboki didn’t know whether to walk away from me as I was very certain the only word he could pick out of my rant was the one I kept mentioning “Orbit” & “200 naira”. In fact, by the time the other cars close to me became aware of the one sided rant and how I was speaking heatedly and in pure English to the aboki, I began to suspect they had already concluded on my mental state.

My dear, I was not bothered one bit. This is 300 naira we are talking about.

I still went on and on with the aboki and wanted to know what warranted the above 100% rise n the price of Orbit of N200 for N500. It was bad enough that the Federal Government gave just 3 days as public holiday for the season and that the cost of live chicken and groundnut oil has soared due to the festive season and the Pina Colada at the Ember Creek is so expensive and not even as thick & creamy as the one at Rhapsody’s (Is that the spelling? Whatever! The social birds will know where I am referring to). One aboki now wants to dupe me for 300 naira?

In this Nigeria? Ko jo mehn!  I have not digressed o. I am just still indignant.

Now the point I am trying to make from this is that,  if an ordinary sweet seller cannot be honest on something as trivial as the price of Orbit, how in the name of ten devils do we expect him to be when trusted with bigger responsibilities? And this brings to fore the main gist of this discourse.

We lack integrity in this country. Simple as that!

The bulk of the problems we have can be traced to an individual or groups of individuals who feel by virtue of their position or opportunity presented to them, they can steal and amass as much wealth as they can or take advantage of a lesser person just because they can. 

It's all around us. You want to get someone to render a service he has been employed and paid to do but if you don't tip him, he will not even move an inch. LACK OF INTEGRITY.

.

You go to White House in Yaba to buy amala with gbegiri, ewedun, ogufe & other orisi risi (jeez, am getting carried away again) and rather than join the queue to buy food, you shunt and when people start raising eyebrows, you say you were here earlier on, but had to quickly get to your car. LACK OF INTEGRITY.

You do not show up at work and call in sick but when you are called, you mention that your car broke down on 3^rd mainland bridge and in a rather quiet background that does not even sound like you are on 3^rd mainland, (and the same excuse for the 8^th time that year by the way), or that your grandfather is dead (making it the 6^th time since you joined the company that your grandpa passed away), or that your sister just gave birth (judging by the number of times you have used that line, your sister needs contraceptive pills and family planning), or that robbers are in your compound (this is really hilarious, and the most ridiculous of all), or the brave and most famous one every HR officer has heard one time too many, you send a text that you are purging. All? LACK OF INTEGRITY.

You have a beautiful drop dead gorgeous wife at home and you would rather be with another missus who does not even dress as much or even look as classy as wifey. LACK OF INTEGRITY my brother.

ASUU thankfully have called off their strike. And why did it drag so long? Simply because the government has refused to keep to their own end of the agreement that they willingly entered into just a while back. What’s the cause of that? LACK OF INTEGRITY.

This disease as I have decided to call this impending decay has cut through all facets of life and this is what is gradually killing the economy. 

Did I say gradually? Apologies. I meant, this is what has killed the economy.

You ask a child what he wants to become in future and he says “a politician”. Do pray tell, politician na professional job? Last time I checked, politics should be about service to humanity but what do we see now? People killing people to serve people.

It’s even now a taboo to have and show integrity as you will be mocked and taunted for not knowing how to come up with psyches and convenient excuses. The more sleek your lies, the more respect and awe people will hold and extend towards you. This explains why men with questionable and philandering habits that is glaring to all usually get the best of women due to the reassuring lies they emanate the minute they open their mouths.

Oh yeah, the more lies you give, the more women you get. The more gigantic your bulls**t, the higher your chance of social  popularity.

No course is being taught in university that has academic & social integrity among its electives or core subjects. Many students/workers/employees do not know what the term means. Everyone lie at the barest opportunity presented to them, ”I promise”, “I will be there in 10mins, “I did not take it”, “I am not cheating on you”, “I promise to love you and cherish you for better for worse” and bla bla bla. Some people actually say those vows with their mistress/lover sitting among other guests while they exchange the face value vows with their spouse. Some men are now getting very bold as to inviting their side chicks to their wedding while some women bravely sign the dotted lines with another man’s baby growing in their belly.

Hian! I’m sure even the devil is aghast.

You think I’m lying? Ask any youth what the term “Integrity” means and you will hear sentences like “I know I have seen & heard that word before but I am not sure what it means”.

Try it and you will be shocked.

Parents no longer inculcate integrity as an integral part of growing up. Many are simply interested in amassing passports and visas for their kids and showing their latest wears via Social Medias and updating the latest cool pics they recently took on their way out of the country or into the country.

Sad!

The foundation of our problems as a whole in Nigeria is LACK OF INTEGRITY. And for integrity to be a recurring and most yearned value for the development of an individual AND of a nation, the onus lies in each and every one of us, not the teacher, not the employer nor the lecturer but in YOU, as a parent, as a sister, a brother, a father, a mother, a grandpa, and a grandma.

Charity begins AT HOME. Charity here means INTEGRITY & TRUST. Teach your kids the value of respecting the next individual by speaking the truth at all times. Let your child take responsibility for all errant behavior. Set realistic punishment/goals for your children. Inculcate integrity on every aspect of their being and watch the start of a developed nation.

So, while the country at large can focus on mundane issues like Stella Oduah's BMW saga, Obasanjo’s open letter to Jona, Iyabo’s letter to OBJ, my open letter to my hubby and the likes, I will continue to rant about why my Orbit seller would sell Orbit at an exorbitant price, why my mechanic will use my hard earned money to build a mansion in his village, why people over promise on their resumes and during interviews and fail to deliver when recruited, why my hair stylist will cancel at the last minute just because I negotiated from 5000 to 2000, why Hubby did not tell me he was domestically challenged while we were courting, why I have to pay the servers at some wedding before they can bring me a glass cup of Chapman and small chops.

As for whether I can boast of having the so much talked about Integrity, I will leave you to be the judge.

I rest my case. 

My Vintage Year: Kaleidoscopic Memories

2013 is gradually rounding off! Just like that! 

Astonishing! Unbelievable!!

One minute we were in July and I blinked and voila! It is December 10^th 2013 (19 more days to my 21st birthday, for those that do not know the date and my exact age as people keep thinking I was  19 years old. Guys! Come on! I am 21years old joor. (Blushing tinzz)

Did the year soar by quickly or what? Soon it will be 2014 and another decade will begin to move swiftly and sharply. Time flies, they say, and it seems like it is spinning even faster nowadays. By this time last year, I was looking forward to the year 2013 with aspirations and expectations even though many of them were built on unrealistic fantasies. I had a long list of ambitions.  I was scared I may not be able to take that giant first stride to begin as I was not certain I could even fulfil half of it since anyone worth his/her onions with me knows I invented procrastination. Wait a second, did I just down play that? I am the word Procrastination itself ( check the oxford dictionary and the synonym of that word is my name)

Let me mention here that in as much as I believe in the omnipotent and omni-something (is it science? Can't really remember), I know I'd be exaggerating if I describe myself as being religious as I may just receive a thunderbolt slap from above for such weak attribution to something I am really not. So I am careful not to mention that I prayed fervently at the beginning of this year to accomplish some certain things because, I really did not. I simply wrote on a piece of paper which I must have thrown away the next day on what I want to get going by 2013 and they are as follows;

 1) Commence an important educational program

 2) Get my career mode into a comfortable position (being careful not to mention promotion before some person go dey ask for money wey no dey) 

3) And some other private stuff you must be really be deluded if you think I will post it here. (And nope, not what I know you are thinking)

Let's just say I achieved all before the last embers of the year I must say. 

Oh yes, I try to give to Caesar what belongs to him no doubt. I say my prayers, especially when I suspect I am already using my last straw with God. And I also try to keep the 10 commandments holy (Ask my Mum, I honour her a lot. I try not to lie (remember the arrogance of no one worth lying to?) I try not to steal (But mehn, it's really hard not fapping my sister's favourite lipstick or a shirt and pair of trousers from her wardrobe, wearing my mum's slippers out of the house without her knowledge until she wants to wear them few weeks later which by that time, I may have damaged them, take an empty cd from Hubby's revered carton and use his polo sport perfume. But I am trying, really). I have never committed adultery. Kilo fe faranu? I don't call the name of the Lord in vain, I assure you and what else again? Oh yes, I do not and have never killed and do not intend to kill anyone. (Now, cockroaches, live chickens, rats and rodents do not count, right? They had better not o. Otherwise, we know who will not be entering the pearly white gates of Heaven, don't we?)

And that's all the commandments though, yes? (Where is that my bible again sef)

So yes, I say my prayers and Hubby has even referred to me as being morally upright some while back. (Or was it uptight and sanctimonious he said? Whatever! They all mean the same). On a scale of 1-10 moral wise, I will place myself on 8. Yes, I am very particular about my morals. Not a saint and though the last person to put Christ like or religious posts lifted from internet on social media, I try to maintain a very healthy balance between what's right and what's wrong with my weight tilting towards what's right.

Simply put, I am a bad girl gone good and I intend to keep it as such.

Now it's the 10^th day of the last month of the year and 21 days before the advent of another year, and I am really grateful to God. Nope, I didn't get everything on my wish-list most def as I have not even finished writing all that ought to be on my wish list. But I have gained so many wonderful things in this past year, without needing anyone to tell me and I have received so many blessings that I cannot but be grateful.

Old friends will know that for the past five years, I have made a habit of blogging about all I am thankful for either at the end of the year or at the beginning of the year. However, I have a tingling feeling that these 3 days break may be the one and only break I will be receiving in a very long time to come and I am so going to make good use of it. (Yup, I said it. The proverbial cat is away and this proverbial mouse, oh boy, is about to give the phrase “make most of the break” a very new meaning. Don’t ask where the proverbial and revered cat went! This mouse is already mouth deep in some rich cheese.)

I am extremely thankful to God for my blessings.

I am shocked, surprised, astounded, and overtly glad that I am still alive. (You have no idea how many times I have come close to death. The memory of that truck whose brake failed and headed right for me comes readily comes to mind #shivers#)

I am thankful for the gift of a Hubby who is a friend, a companion, an annoying house mate, a domestically challenged spouse who is getting chore- worse by the day, my ever ready yab-partner, a teasing partner, one I trust and depend on for all issues (and trust me when I say all issues) and one who I married with common sense in my head and not just a fluttering heart beat and who I must say “I really chose well”.#am sure he would be wondering what I want from him as I am never this nice#

I'm thankful for my family as time & situation has revealed that nothing, absolutely nothing should come before & between families: my indescribable mum who I still psyche to cook for me and hubby and she never says no, a splendid mum in law who is so caring, attentive and supportive and I miss more than anything , Sisters who are more annoying but so tolerant of me (I assure you I am a difficult person to love and tolerate), Sis-in-laws who surprisingly I am not sure whether I love them more than I love my hubby sef (Pick your jaw from the floor Mr Alade) bro–in-laws with swag toh make sense, splendid aunts& uncles, both primary relatives and inherited by marriage, wonderful cousins whose bond have grown over the past few years, old colleagues that I miss so much that it actually hurts at times, new colleagues who gave new meaning to the term “team effort” and make me look forward to driving off to work every day(Sorry, I just had to let you know I drive really.), bosses who have challenged my mental capacity and initiative that I no longer need to go to luminousity.com to know how mentally alert I am. Neither do I need to answer the tricky Mckinsey tests to know I am extremely capable of coming up with business ideas and solutions within a very short space of breathe.

I am thankful that I am gradually learning to control my temper, be more tolerant, less snobbish (that’s not true actually. I am actually still snobbish, intellectually. I mean how can you not know how to spell, articulate fluently or write well in situations that call for it, really? Jeez!) Fine, I am thankful I will be alive to work on my intellectual tolerance of people by next year, or in 2 years’ time? 3years?

I am extremely thankful for these 3 days break, eternally grateful and ecstatic for the amount of sleep and meals that will be consumed during this much elusive but deserved break.  

I'm thankful to God that I have never had to go hungry, compromise a standard for another smaller one due to shortage of funds or sell something to get fast cash. (I am not even going to mention that Hubby has been trying to get me to sell my wedding gown because it’s occupying space in the wardrobe. Imagine! Wait a minute, I have not seen that gown in a while o. What the…….)

I'm thankful for the enormous good times I have enjoyed both at work and at home and at some very fun joints in Lagos.

I'm thankful for the excess laughter, rich sarcasm, hilarious experiences and the constant fun the wonderful people in my life have brought forth. There are just too many angry and depressed people in the world today. (When you read the comments on Linda Ikeji & Stella Dimorko’s blog, you will understand what I am talking about. Some people just don't have joy in their lives. )

I'm thankful to God that I will be adding another year to my life in 19 days’ time. I celebrated all past birthdays in perfect health, surrounded by family & good friends and a wonderful Hubby who I think is planning a surprise party for me.(He has no choice now, shey? Hehehehe)

I'm thankful to God for the many wonderful new friends I made this year, especially my fellow colleagues at my current place of work. (I am not mentioning names guys! Before I resume work and people start giving attitude for not mentioning names) and my ex team members, CET, Team 31, Team 7 & Team 14, Pacific, Optimum Exposures, Insight Grey & people who have become so close to me I cannot even remember how we met in the first place, as in seriously, how did I even meet some of you?

I'm thankful because I'm older and wiser now, (though still a damn fine wine in a fine bottle) than I was a year ago.

I'm thankful that I went through 2013 without any accidents – Remarkable! Small car bashes don’t count though because if we use that one to judge ehn, whew! (Considering Hubby has said I am a vagabond & menace to the citizens on the streets of Lagos & Nigeria as a whole)

I'm thankful for the trips around the cities of Nigeria I enjoyed during the year. (Liar! Cities my foot! Actually, I have only been to Ibadan this year. How embarrassing! I really need a vacation!)

I'm thankful for the progress I made with my work, my educational program, personal development courses & my career path this year. And I am very thankful for the opportunities I have to explore further in the coming year. (Hope my boss does not think I meant job opportunities o!)

I'm thankful to my co-Face bookers who reel out controversial topics that we agree to disagree on, friends who send me inspirational mails every morning, those BB contacts that don’t understand I hate broadcast messages!!! The very many friends I have on Facebook that keep my page active and the impressive networks I have built on Linkedin that keep me updated on several job opportunities I will not be pursuing anytime soon but great to know I am considered worthy to be offered one. (It does a lot of good to the ego and soul I tell ya!)  .

I'm thankful because I've moved closer to God this year and planning on keeping it that way till eternity. (With a religious mum and mum in law, I have no choice mehn as I am sure I will soon be liaising directly with God the Father and Jesus the son on a one on one basis sef!)

I'm also thankful for the many lessons I've learnt this year:

I have learnt to: be self-sufficient, tolerant, accept constructive criticism without imagining the person in heated oil, see the man as the head of the house and I can assure you that is not an easy feat mehn, not taking decisions when I am emotional, control my temper, and I have learnt that I really don’t have enemies but people who actually want to know me but don’t know how to approach. (Only the likes of Dangote, Adenuga, Adeleke, Otedola have enemies. So who I be that I’m deceiving myself that I have enemies? Hian!

In 2014:

I want to be completely in tune with where God wants me to be, what God wants me to do and at his own appointed & perfect timing. (It had better be a very good place o)

I want to be more like the “me” I picture in my mind’s eye everyday ;( or is it fantasy because I fantasize a lot!)Very loquacious, excellent public speaker, a good motivator, a wonderful manager of people & time, gregarious, confident, brilliant, intelligent, creative and astoundingly entrepreneurial. 

I want to achieve my potential with my writing & event management skills & commence all professional courses designed to bring out that best side of me and stop stealing tids & bits of free courses online.

I want to become a better wife, a wonderful mother, a more tolerant sister, a more concerned friend who keeps in touch with all her friends, a better team player at work, a honorable daughter so that when I look back in few years’ time and google my name online and everywhere google able, I will be one of the most recommended public speakers the world can boast of and a role model for growing women & children across the globe. (Ok, that’s too much ambition!)

So help me God.

A Merry Christmas to everyone and may 2014 be the best year ever!

 Cheers!

Naija vs Obodo Oyinbo: To Build or Bolt?

Hubby can be bush and set in his ways sha. Choi! 

I have been begging for an American visa since he introduced himself to me, but mba! He no gree. Any-time I broach the subject to him and plead that he gets me several visas as the need to have them may come handy when we least expect, he reminds me of my ancestral commitment to make Nigeria a better place and how only he and I can contribute to making the world a better place and other stories I really really can do without, sincerely. At times, just to watch him work himself into a patriotic speech mode, I simply make the request again despite knowing what the outcome will be. 

He has never disappointed me.

And this lifetime achievement called marriage sef has not made it easy to decide to get one by myself and for myself and with my funds as we are now one and according to him, "we need to know where every kobo is going", so there goes my chance of being a yankee citizen. At least we know who will not be giving birth to any child in America or anywhere outside the country as I can literally hear his voice in my head, "what's wrong with St Nicholas Hospital or Eko Hospital or Omotayo Hospital? Is it not just to bring out the baby? I have this uncle who is very good and he knows how to deliver new babies........and he will go on and on." 

Very archaic perzin.

Any-time this tirade of being a hero to one's country comes up from him, I simply visualise him in Zulu clothes, standing at the war front with his bow and arrow while cheering his fellow fighters not to give up the struggle. Sighs

Ever since I could remember, I have always wanted to relocate to America, the land of all, the free country, where you can commit any crime and hide it under a wide range of ailment that psychologists will defend to the last. The land that permits you to tell your parents, "shut up", "get out", "oh, go to hell", "I hate you mum, dad", "I'm calling the police" or the worst of all, commit the most heinous of crimes with even a police officer as witness and get the best lawyers to defend you to the juror and you are free in the land of freedom.

Haaa, try that in Naija and you will choose your own casket by yourself.

Considering I read a lot, watch movies a lot and surf the net like every minute of each day, I have seen different countries in different lights; a country housing the homos n lesbos, a country housing very loquacious kids, a country where you can get away with any crime whatsoever so long as you have an extremely good lawyer to defend you, a country housing more left handed people than right handed ones, a country boasting of more divorces than childbirth, a country where racism is only on paper to have ended but actually hasn't because Africans are now being treated as second class citizens by Africans. The battle is no longer between whites & blacks but blacks & blacks.

Then it hit me.

Racism is also in Nigeria. Racism exists everywhere in Nigeria even though hypocrisy has been used to replace the term racism.

Oh crap!

I am actually tired of writing. It’s been a very very busy day and my brain just hit a cow. Anything I write outside this paragraph will be the most meaningless and senseless you may have ever come across as nothing productive is going to come out of me today again, I assure you.

So let’s call it a day and I will continue from here as soon as the cow leaves the way.

Over & out.