Insanity Check- How Nuts Are You?

“Many are mad but few are roaming the streets” – an unknown wise man

One day, Aremu, a worker in a popular mental institution in Lagos was given the task of transferring some mental patients from another popular mental institution to the institution he earns his daily manna.

As soon as they got to the road, the bus he was driving had a break down and Aremu came down to check the engine and confirm what could have happened. As soon as he opened his side of the door, all other doors automatically unlocked. Fabiyi, the supposed leader of the mentally uncertified pack curiously opened the door on his side which yielded to his hands and happily, all mental patients jumped down from the bus and ran in a zig-zag manner while tearing off their clothes and running haphazardly until Aremu lost sight of them.

With fear and trepidation on what this would and could cause to his career with the institution not to mention the police case it could lead to, Aremu came up with a plan.

As soon as Aremu got to Oshodi major bus-stop, he came down from the unbranded bus he was driving and immediately started screaming at the top of his lungs “Abuja 500 naira, Abuja 500 naira, enter with your change o, no change o". 

In the twinkling of an eye, he got more than he bargained for as his bus was filled to the last seat with some people still struggling to squash in.

With glee, Aremu drove straight to his mental institution company to deliver the set of mentally disturbed patients he had picked from Oshodi on that fateful day.

Suffice to say that it took all passengers/patients up to 7 days to convince all the important leaders of the institution they were not crazy even though none could justifiably explain why & how they believed they could get an Abuja bus in Oshodi for 500 naira.

Now, this scenario is mild compared to different traits many of us exhibit that will put our sanity into question. However, worry no more as there are ways to measure your level of sanity. I have mapped out some situational scenarios below and your reaction or ability to relate to each scene will let you know whether you are a potential candidate or whether you are even way overdue for admission.

The One-Way Waheed & Perfectly Lined Laide: Now, I am aware that at some point during our driving experiences in Lagos, we may have been directed by either LASTMA or other Road Policemen to pass through a one-way route during a bad traffic day or when a major accident had occurred.  This is expected during these times and quite understandable to go through a road meant for the other car users that are coming from the other side. However, on a regular day that is considered normal, it leaves room for sanity credibility for people that see cars perfectly lined and going on one direction and choose to pull out of this line to face the incoming traffic due to impatience or because the car in front “is just too slow”. I mean, people like this should be placed under a lengthy on-going observation that may span several weeks to confirm how their senses are interpreting situational issues. It takes a lot of sanity gut to face a coming car, I tell you. And such people, they need immense evaluation.

The Fly-over Flouting Falade:  For this set of people, you’d have to agree that it takes a lot of mental gut to see a working over-head bridge for pedestrian use but still decide to cross major express roads because the bridge is just “too damn long”. Some pedestrians even get upset when cars do not slow down to enable them cross the busy roads and you hear curses like “kilon wan a gan”, “Kilon le lere”meaning What is he driving sef, where is he speeding to?, “Jo koshi lo ko gbe pangolo e danu sibikan” meaning "Just get out of here and take your useless car away". All insults are intended for the innocent drivers and many pedestrians inNigeria have a sense of entitlement and you hear them even say unnecessary things like “I am a citizen of this country and no one will treat me anyhow.” Shuo, on top of using the flyover bridge? Hian!  Does that not put such offender’s mentality into question? I am even of the opinion that it is about time government introduce all these mobile buses that should be stationed strategically right under each flyover bridge so that as soon as they are able to pick mental offenders crossing such busy road instead of using the bridges directly above them, they can simply usher them gently into the mobile buses to begin various evaluation and depending on the responses they are able to give/receive, I’d even suggest they should be taken to the nearest institution for further investigation until they are able to explain sensibly why they would cross a busy road and not just take the bridge. Some insanity power tussle here if you ask me!

The Urinating Usein: Ooook, seriously this is just a true test of sanity. It takes a whole new level of mental disturbance to see a sign that boldly says “Do not urinate here” and it is at the point in time that your bladder decides to do acrobatic moves that will propel you to make use of that same spot. And in Nigeria, most of these writings have been scratched off as some of these rules flouters even go as far as erasing the notice or simply pasting an ad billboard or paper over it. It’s even no longer news to have that same spot being used for public use with some road urchins charging some mental candidates a small sum to use the exact spot to relieve themselves. Offenders should be mentally evaluated and checked for possible signs of schizophrenia.

Window Winder Wasiu: I remember the first year after the government mandated all vehicle users to ensure they have baskets to throw stuff into their car rather than winding down and throwing stuff out of the car. Oh boy! See protests. Vehicle users did not find this funny for one bit as they believed it was their entitlement to throw trash right into the road and yet, they would be the first to complain about the dirtiness on Lagos roads. Many only got to know the government was not joking when road offenders caught doing this are told to sweep a major road in Lagos for one day or simply asked to frog jump by military men. Now, in as much as it was a norm we were used to, it really does not put us in the sanity light when you see a very clean road, as in extremely clean o, wind down the window of your car confidently and throw a gala wrapper or an empty pure water sachet into a very neat road. Who deserves a private room in Aro if not such offender, pray do tell.

The Blocking Balogun: Your daughter is getting married or you want to “yi oku mama pada” (which means re-celebrate their mum's burial because they have too much cash and since there are no incoming parties, they decide to celebrate someone that had died 20-25 years ago) or even because their son finally did his freedom after 10 years with the master and they decided to block a major street in the neighbourhood as a result of such celebration. No one, I mean no one one deserves a special place in the heart of a mental institution such as people who indulge in this sort of evil for being under the illusion that the street was founded by their ancestors and as a result, every one of us either sit our a**es down in our homes for the duration of their party or we find other roads to use. Luckily, many of the older generations with this kind of mentality are either dead or have moved back to their ancestral villages.

The Tattooed Talabi: You moved to a foreign country when you were a child, spent the major parts of your life there and became exposed to the Gothic freestyle sense of living and as a way of showing your hip hop lifestyle and open mindedness, you tattooed every part of your body and pierced every area of your body that was piercable or that the blade could reach. 

You came back home to Africa finally to work and after few years of watching your friends get married and start a family, you lament on the uselessness of Nigerian men and how they don’t take women serious and you keep wondering where all the God-fearing men are. My sister, with all the tattoos that seem to be more than all the percentage of water in your body, do you see yourself as useful or does your body seem to be a temple for God-fearing men to worship. If you were a man, would you marry yourself? I think not! In fact, for believing in the total impossibility of getting something fresh and holy while you seem like an over decorated Christmas tree, I’d recommend a thorough psychological evaluation(all the works!) to confirm you are not yet schizophrenic and delusional; seeing and expecting things that do not and will not exist.

The Punching Priye: I think there is really nothing to say here. It takes someone of immense psychological imbalance to marry someone that was already punching you way before marriage but somehow convinced your alter ego that the rings on your fingers will change the person into a non-violent person. That level of insanity cannot be rivalled in any mental institution which is why it is recommended that any lover exhibiting such trait or who has been flogged more than an adulterous woman in the northern part of Nigerian by her spouse, should be reported to the nearest institution for a continuous and lengthy investigation to correct such mental anomaly.

The Absent Abija: You happen to be a very social person in school and have attended and coordinated lots of social events. You missed all of the classes taken that semester and never attended any lecture nor did any continuous assessment. In fact, no one knows you in the academic board. The only proof you happen to be recognised as a student is your Matric number. You are neither the son of the Registrar nor related in any way to the Vice Chancellor of the school you attend. Final exams schedule came and you were able to get a textbook to read a day before exams. However, despite all these signs that failure is knocking, you still somehow give prayer request in churches/mosques & hope by a stroke of luck and “divine mercy” that you will pass and still express disappointment when results finally arrive and you were advised to withdraw. Is this not the first sign of a loose knot? Is this not a warning sign to personally check into an institution to evaluate how safe you are to be roaming the streets of Nigeria and being a danger to people like us? The earlier you begin that mental evaluation my dear, the better.

The Prayerful Pamela: You have not for any minute in your prayerful life searched for a job nor attended any exams or interviews as you spend almost every day in church telling God what you want, without backing up with actions or evangelising everywhere possible that they let you. But despite your church activities filled life taking ALL your time, you are somehow praying for divine prosperity and hoping someone who you have never met before will call you one day to come and resume as Managing Director of a company as you are the saviour their company has been looking for. What level of Meth could you possibly have smoked or how bad are the spacey air-headedness nowadays? And how soon do you think the slowly unscrewing knot in your head will give way fully? If at this age, you still believe in Magic, just be sure the weed you are taking is of high quality and the staff of Aro will be interested in meeting with you.

What other ways of recognising insanity have I left out? Look at the person beside you and think back to recently exhibited neurological defects you have witnessed them indulge in.

Or better still, who are the guilty that seems to be doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? Identify yourself to enable us recommend you for a comprehensive mental analysis and the best treatment for your delusions.