The Problem With 50 Shades of Grey.........

I’m a core romantic, both at heart and in deeds.

I am that person that sees sweet little cupid arrows behind every smile exchanged between an adoring couple, that wedding guest that excitedly looks out for the bride and groom's chemistry either through their dance moves or the way they exchange sweet little kisses. I am also that passerby that looks out for chemistry everywhere on the street, gushing, oohing and aah-ing over the couple who seemed and looked so adorable.

I also fantasize a lot. While growing up, I invested a lot of my pocket money on Harlequins, Mills & Boons as well as Silhouette novels. And once I purchased a new romance novel and got introduced to the hot hero in question, I would spend the next few days fantasizing and daydreaming I was the lucky woman in the novel lucky enough to have the tall, dark and handsome hero to myself who usually seemed too perfect.(But that didn't matter then.)

Until I got to purchase another novel and another hot Viscount, Lord or Duke was introduced to me, my fantasy was usually fixated on my latest read. And in all these novels, the men usually started out forcing the women to either kiss them, sleep with them or fall in love with them. Some of these men even forcefully slept with women who are then portrayed to have ended up enjoying the sex thereby psychologically convincing the readers that it was not actually rape since the women ended up having an orgasm. In all these novels, the men’s charm always overrode their complaints and they became pliant and even got to fall in love. (I'm surprised that feminists are yet to react to these novels as many realistic romantic lives got ruined early due to the expectations these novels set that made women want the unrealistic from their men who were usually portrayed as forceful in these novels but end up getting their way)

Note that most romantic novels are written by women, including 50 Shades of Grey.

I stopped reading novels completely just before I rounded off my NYSC as priorities had changed and chose to focus more on career work, more academic content and upgraded to motivational books. However, when 50 Shades of Grey was released as a novel across the world and the buzz became louder than the engine of a locomotive train, I joined the band wagon and purchased the book.

I’d be lying if I said I did not have some jimmies jammies in my tummy whenever Anastasia and Christian so much as looked as each other as portrayed in the novel. Yes, the story was rather unrealistic but we have got to admit that such chemistry in the real world would flame up any bedroom! I concluded it would be great to watch the movie in real life and see how it panned out.

As soon as Hubby and I learnt the movie had been released across cinemas in Lagos, we tried our best possible to catch up with it at the cinema knowing fully well it would soon be banned but we couldn't. We had to resort to looking for who had downloaded the movie. 

Lo and behold, a good hacker Samaritan blessed us with the HD uncut version of it. (Shout out to that hacker Samaritan of life that can download anything from anywhere! - Universal Pictures is watching you on 3D!). 

So armed with two packs of Malteasers under the duvet with some chilled Wilson's lemonades as well as a couple of well seasoned fried turkeys, Hubby and I laid to watch 50 Shades of Grey, in frenzied anticipation, fiery tension and giggling fervor wondering but hoping we would also get carried away like the lady that forgot her pair of panties at the cinema after watching the movie.(We even had to dim the bedroom lights in case we got carried away and wanted to move things seamlessly to the next level. lol) 

Oh boy, I had never felt like I had wasted many years of my life in a few minutes after watching just some few scenes of this over-exaggerated movie. Because after 15 mins of the unappealing intense look(more like stalkish) exchange between broody Grey and weak willed Anastasia who surprisingly had “yes” as an answer to every request that came her way, Hubby and I dozed off, with our barely touched Malteasers, empty turkey bowls and warm lemonades around us.

We actually started watching the movie at 9.30 pm and before we could say "Sai Buhari", it was 6:00am in the morning. Initially we thought maybe time had passed by and we were just tired so we decided to try it the following day, hoping to continue from where we stopped. As soon as we picked up again from where Anastasia barfed around Grey at a party, we barely went past another 10 minutes before we returned to our laptops, browsing lazily. (You'd wonder why we didn't just switch off the TV and simply admit the movie was a cuckoodle, especially to women)

It’s been over a month and some days and we still cannot bring ourselves to complete the movie.

Apart from the fact that Christian Grey is unappealingly short, he also has serious mummy issues that remained unresolved after many years, hence the need to take out his frustrations on women. With such unresolved issues from the past, no Nigerian woman would have touched him even with all that money. 

And you definitely dare not beat any Nigerian woman during sex if you don’t want to lose a testicle, especially the right one. Anastasia as a heroine was so weak that I am still appalled women didn't revolt after watching just some few scenes. Her weakness was practically appalling and she lacked any personality that would have made her attractive to any complete man without any hidden issues of his own, like Christian Grey. Only a weak man with issues would find a weak willed woman attractive.(guessed that was why E.L James lumped Grey & Anastasia up, two weak souls)

Strength is a major sexual factor in Nigeria. It is what Nigerian men sell to their intending prey and what they want from a sexual partner as well and possibly the mother of their kids.

Strength & Confidence is key in Africa. That is why Black American romantic movies show men like Idris Elba, Denzel Washington, Morris Chestnut, Taye Diggs ripping with muscles while showing their strengths at home whether as a rich character or a poor one. Their strengths get to sell, always.

Hubby and I thus agreed that 50 Shades of Grey was definitely not for the African market. They should have simply left it in the North & South American continent where anything sells.

Approximately a month and some few days after we got the movie, even though we never made it past 15mins during each watch, we deleted it, right after watching the scene where Anastasia actually signed a written agreement to be a leash and flogged dog for Christian Grey.(Someone's daughter o)

Not sure what E.L James was thinking but that movie was an insult to women and represented everything we had fought against for centuries. It mocks all articles and talk shows on abuse of any kind to women.

Hian. 

N:B- This is not an objective movie review. This is the blunt mindset of a romantic addict who believed 50 Shades of Grey did not in anyway put women in the flattering light as the movie clearly confirmed the phrase- it's still a man's world after all.