Shall We Address The Elephants in The Room Please?

Some people claim to know the type of person I am. Some people consider me weird, aloof, prim, snobbish. Others just conclude that “baby yii o fi gbogbo ara gbadun”.

They are all right.

This post is actually a very deliberate and lazy attempt to avoid completing the many blog/article drafts and unpublished works in my humongous archive. So I just decided to revive this blog with random cold hard facts about me that many don’t know. And because I hate small talks, I will just leave this here.

1) I am core sapiosexual. (Yeah good looks, dressing and great cologne may faze me for some delirious seconds but raw brilliance and intelligence kills it for me).

2) I love quick wit, sarcastic and intelligent humor. (I like it when a joke is shared and only the smart ones among us are laughing hysterically and people like Abraham the Great and KRO are still saying “I don’t get it” 27 years later)

3) I’m an exceedingly skeptical person. (E go tey before person go fit dupe me)

4) I enjoy roasting friends and I enjoy being roasted as well. I love yabs die.

5) I am a very quiet person.

6) I’m not quiet because I’m shy. I’m quiet because I hate small talks and meaningless discussions and conversations.

7) I’m not money driven but I’m ambitious, calculating and will not indulge too long in activities that won’t increase my monetary worth at any point in time.

8) I dislike people with the entitlement mentality.

9) My daughter has me wrapped around her pudgy little fingers. I have disciplined other people’s babies but I don’t even have the heart to refuse her from spoiling my books and glasses. (“E file, omode nii. I can always replace the books and glasses. She is still growing”)

10) I detest too much strategic planning and analysis. Most often than not, it cripples actual activities. I have seen too many of this first hand.

11) I loathe people who call and spend the first one minute asking after my health, family, dead relatives and living friends they’ve never met.

12) A caller has less than 15 seconds to hold my interest.

13) At times, I end calls abruptly if the call is irrelevant and not getting straight to the point.

14) I deliberately ignore a lot of calls, especially when I’m eating something quite pepperish(as per serious Yoruba geh) or when Idris Elba or Michael Ealy walks past my screen on topless jeans(oh my!).

15) I love night life. But I’m a blind bat at night.

16) It takes less than 20 seconds for me to know if a candidate will make it to the second stage of interview or not (I’m a part recruitment consultant by the way. Trust me, you want me in the room when you want to hire the best hands. Sieving out bo-bo resume yarns and getting the actual talents is my calling)

17) I still don’t know how to properly respond to “Tell me about yourself”.(Not sure if to start with "Beans gives me too much gas" or "My great grandparents were originally from Oyo town before migrating to Ogbomosho” or “I still don't know how to make ewedu like that" or "I had a boss I once crushed on")

18) I miss having lots of admirers.(Kpsheew)

19) I am a family person.

20) I’m a foodie. I will rather be broke with millions worth of food at home.

21) I still don’t know how to initiate a move (I’m hoping only few people will get this)

22) I am very thick skinned but quite emotional

23) I read a lot and listen to lots of inspirational speeches.

24) I have a huge encyclopedia of viable ideas. (Damaroy can testify)

Teju now, you can't be coming up with these fifty fifty naira ideas. CTRL DEL

25) I hate hearing too many jargons, especially in meetings. (Except in a meeting or an interview where everyone present will understand the things being said and belong in the same jargon caucus, I believe a lot of people bandy them around just to show off)

26) I am extremely hot-tempered and impatient. I will make a bad-ass CEO.

27) I really wish I could meet Richard Branson and Otunba Mike Adenuga in person (I heard Otunba has the freshest skin in the world. I need to know the cream and soap he uses)

28) I can spend countless hours doing nothing but thinking.

29) I rarely give promises.

30) i hate it when I see words with incorrect Usage of UPPERCASES and lower CASES.

31) I’m a core romantic. I love soapy and mushy mushy things.

32) I LOVE the fact that I’m in my very early 30s and I am enjoying getting older.

33) The older I get, the blunter and more straightforward I have become. (as in, mo raan iyalaya anybody. I will say it as it is)

34) I’m a very smooth talker. (Forget o. My bobo skills is on a PHD level. Let’s sha thank God I found Christ)

35) I never stop Googling things. (“Dear Google, how can I remove the number before each sentence on a Microsoft word?” ) I’m a very polite Googler too.

36) I seek perfection in everything I do.

37) I’m a tough leader.

38) Sob stories don’t move me. (Hian, me sef scammer)

39) I’m a neat freak. (I once had a boss who was thoroughly disgusted by this)

40) I hate shopping especially for clothes.

41) I know more than a lot of people think.

42) I stalk a lot of people on Instagram and Facebook. I can go as far back as their first post/pics.

43) I’m relatively posh. Until I get behind the wheels. Then I take on the mentality and act of an agbero or car smuggler.

44) I believe I married someone that deserves me. (trust me, I have major issues)

45) My greatest fear is embarrassment, rejection and failure.

46) I am willing to make great sacrifices for my family. (no questions asked)

47) I am a huge risk taker.

48) I have a huge collection of books, songs & movies.

49) I don’t laugh if a joke is not funny, no matter who cracked it.

50) I am bulls**t intolerant.

51) I’m very good at hiding emotions. (as in very very good, just like a duck)

52) I have a lot of unpublished & uncompleted works (as in a whole lot)

53) I feel my God given talents are writing, counselling and consulting (I have a lot of mental activities ongoing and I’m sure these are the areas my huge successes will come from. Someone should invest in me na)

54) I have suffered great depression in the past and recently (random stuff)

55) I fear nobody.

56) I don’t know how to beg. (I will rather starve to death)

57) I’m the least envious person in the world.

58) I think I may be homophobic (But Empire and HTGAWM is doing a good job diffusing the anger by rubbing it in our faces)

59) I don't get intimidated easily.

60) I don’t like broke people that give birth anyhow (how much is Durex? Do you know how much crèche alone is?)

61) When a still single large mouthed oversabi babe says “married women are just lazy sexually and they stop trying and let themselves go when they marry. As for me o, when I marry, I will still be so hot and sexy for my husband and do the same things I do as a single babe”, there’s a sadist part of me that gets excited when they finally get married and I see the general humility that comes with marriage wahala however temporal. (the evil angel in me gleefully says silently “welcome to marriage reality, ode oshi”)

62) I worry a lot about the future (Fara must not open a bottle of champagne herself o. Her graduation party shall be Queen Elizabeth themed. Only rich people like us with data bundle and dstv will understand this one)

63) I am too arrogant to tell a lie (why should I lie when I can just keep quiet and be omissive?)

64) I’m aware I possess the lying skills of a sociopath

65) I am very aesthetic in nature. I’m attracted to beautiful things-looks, fingers, people, smiles, houses, cars, food, appliances, work space, KPIs, public holidays, neat currencies

66) When I make new acquaintances, I’m drawn to the cologne they have on, nails, teeth and smile- whether male or female

67) I find it unappealing when a man wears no cologne. (You gotta have a signature scent mehn. It’s a freaking powerful aphrodisiac. Thank me later!)

68) I don’t forgive easily. I never even forget at all. (Ask around)

69) I can be a bee when required.

70) My mind is very deep. (As in very deep. I do a lot of internal planning)

71) I’m an unrepentant workaholic

72) I’m very good at recognizing bulls**t when I see or hear it

73) I know when I’m being lied to

74) I'm usually the last person to catch on to anything.

75) You would think no.73 & 74 contradict but they don’t. Refer to no.1

76) I hate meetings that exceed 1 hour. After 15 minutes of esoteric industrial jargons and I still cannot understand half of what is being said, I begin to mentally recap all the movies & series I watched the day before (Cersei Lannister!!! Much respect) and even add ideas on what I will be cooking for dinner and whether I will ever get to meet Jon Snow in real life (his eyes!).

77) I usually walk very fast, and have unknowingly left people behind until they pointed it out to me.

78) I sleep so noisily. (As in, like I must have been born with a blocked nose because I weigh 55KG and a size 8)

79) I would like to write best sellers like Sidney Sheldon’s one day (Hahahahahahahaha, seriously I mean it. Hahahahaha)

80) I’m so sarcastic I try not to speak when I hear dumb things. My sarcasm is on a very ultimate level

81) I have a mouth that can shatter confidence & break happy spirits. (Which is why I keep calm& quiet when I’m angry. My opponents are never a match for what my tongue is capable of)

82) I prefer male friends to female friends

83) I’ve saved, and probably still have, every nylon bag and ice cream container I’ve ever used or bought

84) I’m terrible at throwing things away. (I get emotionally synced to everything I buy for the house. I still have broken spoons and cracked plates I can’t just bring myself to throw in the trash bin. Mum in law came visiting and she was appalled. It's emotions nii. They started from the scratch with me. I can't just replace them na. I’m all for loyalty mehn)

85) I worry too much and a lot about things

86) I have an amazingly good intuition and I’m always right when I trust it.

87) I wish I’d studied Engineering or Medicine. I have the brains to have done either. (I mean, really)

88) I can’t believe you are still reading these. I’m getting bored writing them.

89) I wasn't always intelligent nor brilliant. I used to be in the last 5 in secondary school. {Unserious used to be my middle name. Too many boys chasing me and making me lose concentration and deceiving me. When I saw my school fees in the university, nobody told me to sit back up)

90) I’m thinking 100 things may be too many now that I started this

91) I love the fact I’m a working mom. I love work a lot.

92) I enjoy it immensely when my daughter cries for me when I step out of the room (Awwwwwn, someone loves me that much. Though I pretend and say “ahn ahn stop na let mummy/aunty/daddy carry you”. In my mind I’m like “go girl, keep at it. Make it louder. I can’t hear you again from the kitchen again o. Cry louder na”. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing someone needs to see you to remain happy. And boo will say he loves me o, yet he has never cried when I’m leaving a room)

93) Being married is fun but I sometimes wonder how single-hood would have been. I still grumble when I’m going home after work each day because I know it is essential that I ask olori ebi “what will you like for dinner” and he always responds with “what are my options”. ( I hate that question more than #25)

94) I’m stopping here. I have too many deliverable I have not submitted at work.

95) I genuinely and deeply miss Sim Shagaya.