9 Tricks to Becoming an Overnight Instagram Celebrity

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Forget what anyone might have told you when growing up that you can’t make it. I’m here to tell you that with Trump as the next president of America, yes, you too can!  Forget what your teacher and neighbor told your parents! Gone are the days when an intellectual brain and complex brilliant mind were actually needed to succeed or attain any significant position in life. Nah, not anymore. 

That record was broken weeks back by somebody everyone thought couldn’t. Now, all you need to focus your pretty/handsome little mind towards is presenting your best boobs cassava foot forward.  A million people somewhere don’t care about your intellectual achievement or actual talent, they just want a sneak peek into your fake controversial beautiful private self. And the juicier you make your private life, the higher your chances on being on the same level with Dangote and Otedola within a few months.

Thank me later on these tips on increasing your following and becoming a gangster Instagram celeb overnight!

PHOTO-PLASTIC SURGERY:

Yasss! If you are going to be important very soon, then know this! No one cares about your brown fading walls or your ugly background, intellectual achievement or your school grades or pretty smiles taken at the entrance of a public transport. On social media, many people are disconnected from unbothered with reality. If you want a large pool of following, you cannot afford to be real! Real people are for Facebook, Medium, The Muse, Channels News, Business Insider, The Punch Newspapers and Huffington post. 

For Instagram, all you need is something shallow, the faker the better. How good are you with Photoshop? How surreal can you make your looks get? Can you Photoshop your way into oblivion?  On Instagram, you have to understand that there are only 5 major ways to gather instant fame and attention to yourself; be photoshopily extremely beautiful, be extremely rich, be extremely ugly, be extremely controversial, or be a meme. 

You have to be extreme. Average looks or Instagram attitude won’t get you likes. If you were not created on a Monday morning after God was fully rested, biko Photoshop to the rescue. You must NEVER slip. You gotta look like an angel/a mini god EVERY TIME. Your famous life prospect depends on it.

LOOK LIKE A JET HOPPER:

Oh! Nobody told you this one? You think you can be famous by taking 83 selfies in your kitchen or at Quilox? Nah, goan ask your seniors. You gotta travel baby! Well, or at least, look like you are travelling around the world (I know good Photoshop designers that can help should you want one sha). This is another way to increase your followership o. The average Nigerian is angry with everything and everyone. 

So if you are seen as a traveler, jumping from one local community country to another, two things may likely occur: a) get people who genuinely aspire to be a traveler like you to follow you out of reverence like I did for Kemi Onabanjo weeks back b) get disgruntled, angry, jealous, hateful, vicious people to see how happy and successful you are while they are struggling and follow you to throw you vicious and jealous comments on your looseness and how not sitting down in one place will affect your future spouse and make them cheat on you. Do you care! Followership is followership jere.

A lot of people cannot afford vacation due to this recession but if people like you bring these exotic images to them through your fake pictures, they will hate to follow you but follow you, they will. But you have to be strategic too. You can put up a picture of a lady or guy’s back view that shares your slim or plus size stature and update as “Maldives” or “Greece”. Don’t say anything. It’s not you and you know it’s not you. But your blind followers don’t know. And it’s not as if you lied. You just used a picture. Na them assume wrongly. You know in Naija, a lot should have been named Assumpta from birth. We are quite good at putting two and two together and coming up with 48.

THE MORE WE ARE, THE MERRIER:

Now, you need actual brains skills to achieve this. Goan ask the relationship advice pages how they do it.  Start simple. Can you really argue with numbers? Who dares? Create as many fake IG handle and friends as you want and just start adding them to your total register. You can take a day or two off work for this as you need concentration and time to achieve this. Your bosses should be able to understand. If they don’t, fling your resignation letter in their faces. 

You are on your way to kicking Omotola and Rihanna out of the famous picture. At least, if you become famous, who else will enjoy the benefit of an occasional mention than them! Who wants to question you? Who is their father? Is someone going to question your cool factor if you have 85,912 friends (and counting!). Plus, you get to give names to all of those fake friends which sounds like a lot of fun. Nah, stop thanking me jor. Who needs brains for this one!

COPY AND PASTE:

Ha, since you are a Photoshop expert by now, misrepresenting things with fake good images, this should be too easy for you. Take a cue from these bloggers that regurgitate fake news the same thing on their blogs.  To get that totally LOL-worthy or deep status update from your incredibly fake large following, don’t stress your photo shopped self, just "copy and paste." I mean, who will find out? 

The Internet is a big place for the fool and the brilliant everyone so it's probably unlikely anyone will ever find out that very deep quote you attached to your cassava or size 38 bum isn’t yours but Adolf Hitler. I mean, even if they find out, what are they going to do? Call the family of the original owner or Google it and see who actually said it? I mean, what’s not to believe? Wait, are they still reading the quote despite the tiny huge cassava you just shared? What’s wrong with people!!! 

CHECK IN AWESOMENESS:

I’m surprised you haven’t thought of this o. Do you know how much your bride or groom price will increase if your check in status says “Boat Club” or “Burj Al Arab Towers” or even “Aso Rock”? As in, do you really? You think it’s all those small places like Shoprite, Spar, Club 57, and Hard Rock Café that will ginger people to follow you? All those places with free entrances, kpsheew. 

Can't afford the fancy new restaurant in town? Just stand near the doorway entrance so you can check in without ever having to pay for a meal. I mean, as long as your social media proves you were "there," that's all that matters. You better up your fake life to an awesome 100% fakeness level by checking in to places that will make daft followers anyone follow you. Up your check in game biko. Abi, was it not someone that said “Fake it till you make it”? 

BECOME A MEME:

Now this is the kind of fame dreams are made of! I’m even already excited on your behalf. As in your ugly face will be EVERYWHERE! You will be an internet hero. You can call home and tell mama and papa that you finally made it. Bose and Wasiu that mocked you when you told them to watch out for you are about to get it! 

Just imagine- Instablog, WestAfrikanMan, UrbanYooba, Funny African Pics, Lailasblog, Chinnysblog, Linda Ikeji (Linda will put you up sha if your meme is controversial and scandalous enough) using your meme and thousands of vitriolic comments. And if you are lucky, even Kanye West, Rihanna or Eminem will use it. My dear, you have arrived!

BE SCARCE!

Ever heard the phrase, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Ghen ghen, this is what you need to apply to increase your fake celeb status. Be as sparse as possible. Be scarce. Be very flighty. Comment on only a few status updates by friends even if you used to beg them for clothes and cash sometimes. Who will know? 

Since you are way too busy flying around and mastering the art of Photoshop to comment on everyone’s status, select one or two friends and provide very short comments such as, “Nice!” or “Wawuu!” or “Makes sense”. You can even drop one comment bi-monthly so that by the time you drop a line, people will resign from their jobs, jump off the 3^rd mainland bridge or even break up with their significant partner because a whole celeb like you commented on their pages. 

If you are very good, some may even print out and laminate to show their grand-kids. Apply same to likes too. At least, get to like a post once in a year. The sparser, the higher your chances of making it fast!

WRITE SMART STATUS UPDATES:

Ok, maybe I gave you an impression you may not need absent brains but you know how to Google right? So that’s good enough. Just search for deep and intense quotes on Google, upload one of your best photo shopped image on Instagram, but so as not to look so vain showing your only assets, insert that deep quote you just stole saw on Google and gbam! You are done. 

I mean, just imagine using an image of your neighbor’s range rover, your well curvy hips and size 38 chest or your 3 inches cassava with the quote “Life is a journey that begins with a step” or “Too many people spend money they don’t have. To buy things they don’t want, to impress people that don’t give a s**t they don’t like.” 

Do you know how crazy and in love your fans followers will be? Things are about to get lit! And sometimes, you may be lucky and Alibaba or Dele Momodu will repost if you are wearing a purple or red dress. My brother/sister, your village people were wrong! You made it!

Welcome to 2016!