On the subject of Punctuality

There is something called coming to work early enough. And there is something known as "just too unprofessionally early".

Getting to work early this morning in a very light spirit and on a rather bouncy gait, I attempted to open the familiar black gate with a push of my right hand, as the regular routine I indulge in every day and  I was surprised to discover the gate would not budge. Having concluded in the deepest recess of my mind that the gate needed some oiling and mechanical attention, I silently noted to myself to inform Admin unit on the need for repair. I tried again, for the second time but the gate still refused to widen its aperture to enclose me like it usually does.

During this scenario, it never crossed my very slow thoughts (though i assure you I’m a regular fast thinker, but probably due to waking up at 3:30am as a result of hubby's skulking around the room, my brain must be waiting for its ritual morning coffee to meet me at the point of need) that the gate must have been unrepentant because it has not been opened for the daily bustle of staff coming in for the daily manna production.

After a little bit of deliberation on the non-cooperation on the gate's part and giving it my good old glare, I adjusted the straps of my Hermes bag (whatever peeps, don't hate, I choose whichever of my bag to name Hermes for the day), I tried to push the gate again and hoping somehow that this time, it will recognise the hand trying to nudge it open but status remained quo. (That word can be used separately, right?

With a look close to exasperation mixed with confusion, I banged a bit harder on the gate and I watched, albeit with a non-friendly look, a young man walk towards the gate with extreme tiredness in his gait while using his right hand to clear his eyes. As soon as he got to me, he yawned and slowly slided the gate-lock that was causing a barrier between myself and the company's head office. He effortlessly pulled the gate back and I want to believe that at the same time and minute, our brains took immediate cognizance of each other. He spoke before I could regain my composure at seeing the office security still in his mufti (singlet and shorts for that matter) and apparently just waking.

"Aunty, ahn ahn, did you sleep in the other office? Was it night you did and you are just going home this morning?"(At this point, one would assume the security official was simply making concerned enquiries. However, for people who make daily conversations dripping in rich sarcasms and innuendos, this statement would have made the nomination for the most hidden sarcasm used in 2013 and will simply be translated to mean, “Aunty, this one wey you come early so, you no dey sleep for house nii?)

All this while, I am ashamed to say my brain was not on its best behaviour as despite his whole groggy ensemble, I asked the typical Nigerian question that we ask even though the answer stares us right in the face.

"Morning Peter, are you just waking nii? Isn't it too late for you to still be sleeping and the gate still closed by this time? Do you expect staff to be banging hard on the gate to have you come open? You are not even dressed yet ahn ahn”. (ahn ahn is a Nigerian polite phrase that is used in place of “how daft can you be?”

And then he responded with a rather confused look.

"Ma, it's just like 10 mins past 6 o. We usually leave the gate open around 6:30 and by then we will be ready. Let me go and get dressed but I will turn on the gen for you now."

And with a chagrined expression, I looked down at the time. He was wrong about the time though. The time was actually 6:02 am. 

My question is this: When is the right time to discuss remuneration review with my boss based on my over-sabi punctuality?

N:B: Over-sabi is when someone does a task/job/service that is not exactly expected of him/her and really no one cares if the task/job/service is done and the task/service/job would have been better left the way it is, as usually the over sabi task does not generate any revenue at the end of the day.

Teenagers: Dogs & Cats

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teen-agers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Leonardo da Vinci's painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.




Then, around age 13-21, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you king. Instead of dogging your foot-steps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry-then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose

up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to

remember where it has seen you before.



You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.



Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your

efforts to make your pet behave.



Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.



Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.



One day, your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.



I hope you learn something from this Life Paradox.

The Sudden "Write Attack".

Ok.... erm, so I have had this "new post"  page opened since I got to work and logged on to my system this morning at exactly 7:12 am (but really, I deserve a promotion for my daily punctuality alone.)
I have viewed old blog posts of mine, edited and applied to my blog several templates, changed the layouts and fonts, even corrected some errors lying fallow on my blog for over 12 months. Also, I am proud to inform all that after two years of writers' blog, i was able to change the profile picture I had on my page to something more current and finer i hope.
What i have however not been able to do is fill up this "new post" page with meaningful and creative words. You should understand that great writers usually experience writer's blog often. The key word here is often. As for me, my state of "often" runs intermittently and subsequently hence i have collated it to a total of almost 2 years. Yup, it's that bad.

The alarming rate at which i am fast losing interest in writing and reading will scare Williams Shakespeare and Ngugi Wa Thiongo. (It's a name, not a cry for war!) I used to think i could never be under the influence of low attention span but my attitude to reading and putting down some notes is practically non existent. And to think i am currently running a distant learning program. However am i going to complete all my assignments without any lecturer urging me on except by my discipline and dedication!

Now, back to the matter(in Wizkid's voice), i have decided to reopen my blog and ensure that it runs daily and even though i may not have anything meaningful, interesting to say, i want to make sure i keep this blog from being hijacked by the mandabu aliens that seized it but for the timely intervention..... ok cut.

N:B: This is the most terrible write up i have ever written and will ever write but may i engage you in a topic that i guarantee will hold your interest for a very long time? Oh, that will not happen today! Hahaha, my brain is on a temporal shut down.

Until next time, same station, same time, Tejflow is outta here. (kindly disregard all illegal language use, outdated punctuation marks, unbelievable & unacceptable usage of slangs and other mumbo jumbos not befitting to be here. I am currently typing from my iphone.) hehehehe. I lied again. I do not have an Iphone.(but forgive all typos. I will do better tomorrow).

And cut!!!

How to make most of Life in Naija

Ignore that report about Nigerians being the happiest people on earth. The only reason those researchers came up with that result was that when asked whether they were happy, the Nigerian respondents in the study gleefully answered in the affirmative out of the need to confess positively. In reality, living in Nigeria is often not a happy experience due to the woes of power failure, rutted roads, unemployment and insecurity we have to grapple with on a daily basis. However, being the Nigerians that we are, we get more worldly-wise as the years go by and eventually evolve a way of finding happiness amidst the pervading gloom. I have acquired some tips on how to enjoy life in Nigeria and thought to share. Those abroad and still skeptical about returning home may find them particularly useful. Here goes:

1. Set aside a fixed percentage of your income for running your generators. Having more than one generator is as wise as God giving man more than one kidney. (No harm in having a spare just in case one packs up.) And whenever you get upset about having to devote your hard earned resources to generating power (which honestly is the bloody responsibility of the government!), you can get some comfort in thinking of that money as the tax you pay to the state.

2. Get a Jeep. It not only elevates you instantly into the Big Man club, the suspensions those 4 Wheel Drives possess are auto-mobile makers’ answer to the potholes and craters Nigerian roads are riddled with. So although you may make pretensions to false modesty, you must go the Jeep way if you cherish your spine.

3. Patronize Nollywood. I understand your concerns about the poor scripting, the shallow plots, the pedestrian acting, the clueless directing, incompetent editing, and utter lack of imagination and effort. But, believe me, you wouldn’t want to compound your headache and fatigue upon returning home from work by trying to figure out who or what Neo is fighting against in The Matrix or if Kyle in Kyle XY is really an Alien or what Sara Collins is running from in Vanished. There is nothing more relaxing – after a stressful day loaded with the horrors of Lagos traffic, flooding, and LASTMA officials – than spreading out on the sofa to watch (don’t forget the generator o!) Jenifa or Omo Iya Alakara or Love of my Life. Why bother with the suspense, intrigue, complicated plots and sophisticated dialogue of western cinema when you can enjoy a simple and delightful story of lover boy Ramsey Nouah falling in love with delectable Genevieve?

4. Private or nothing. The only things that work in Nigeria are private establishments. It is only if you are terminally ill and do not believe in miracles that you go to public hospitals. Recent research shows that your children are twice as likely to graduate during your lifetime if you send them to private universities and ASUU strike induced stress is fast becoming one of the leading causes of mortality in Nigeria. (Of course, the research was done by scientists at a private university; do their counterparts at the public ones do any?) Even if you can’t afford to send your children to the private varsities, at least make sure they attend private daycares, private nursery and primary schools and private secondary schools. Don’t be left behind in the private revolution. Everything’s going private: libraries (recall Uncle Sege’s), gardens (they abound in Abuja), telephones (I challenge you to name where I can find a functional payphone in Nigeria!), name it! Any guesses why PHCN is being privatized or why private refineries are also on the agenda? Embrace the private sector or perish. It’s as simple as that.

5. Develop a larger than life ego. Nigeria is the showman’s heaven. Where else in the world do cars with tinted windows connote class? Where else could Bluetooth earpieces, Blackberries, sunshades, or contact lenses have acquired the character of status symbols? If you’re the notice me kind of person, Nigeria is made for you. It's the only place in the world where you can bluff your way to the top. They say women are attracted to men that are tall, athletic, good looking, intelligent, confident, enterprising, resourceful, bla bla bla. In Nigeria, even without any of these qualities, as long as you’ve got the swagger, you’re a ladies man any day. If grags or ayaj aren’t Nigerian things, can you please give me their equivalent in standard British English?

6. Embrace religion. Nothing is more important in Nigeria than having someone up there; someone to look after you. There’s a lot of comfort to be got from knowing you’ve got a Heavenly Father who protects you (from witches, ritual murderers, armed robbers and kidnappers), bestows favour on you (by not allowing you to board that ill-fated bus that had faulty brakes and crashed into the lagoon) and blesses you (with enough money to fuel your generator, send your kids to private schools and still have some extra for DSTV, aso ebi, and weekend shopping at The Palms). In a place like Lagos, returning home safe each day is a miracle, and if you don’t believe in God, then who are you going to thank for such mercies?

7. Know the people that matter. Whoever invented the term “networking” must have had Nigeria in mind. In Nigeria, a simple phone call to the right person can result in a lot of things ranging from getting admission into your first choice university and course; having a tanker of diesel delivered to your home at a time when the storage tanks of half the fuel stations in the country are dried up; getting the PHCN officials to repair the blown-out fuse in your neighbourhood with dispatch; getting your impounded vehicle released by the LASTMA bullies without paying a dime, or even having a contract awarded to the company you registered yesterday. Knowing the right people is the way things work over here and there’s nothing wrong about it. After all, even salvation – the most important thing – comes by 'knowing' a Man called Jesus.

8. Finally, learn how to not take anything for granted. Expecting things to work is an expressway to frustration and unhappiness. If you want to be happy in Nigeria, don’t expect anything. That way, you’ll be overjoyed when the light bulbs in your house come on and stay on for the rest of the night (when it typically doesn’t last longer than an hour); you’ll be relieved the Okada that was going the wrong way only caused a minor dent (imagine what could have happened to the pregnant woman passenger if you hadn’t slammed on your brakes!); you’ll be grateful it was only a little water the careless driver splashed on your skirt (you’ll have been soaked to the skin if you had been a few yards closer!); you’ll even be happy that even though it was a lackluster performance, Man-U didn’t get beaten by the Chelsea cowards. Learn to appreciate and cherish the simple things of life. Simple!

Over-Flogged Arguments.

1. Behind the Wheels

Honestly, arguments over who had the right of way; whose fault the accident was; who should have budged for the other, simply aren’t worth it. They never end. The average Nigerian driver thinks he’s smarter than everyone else; thinks of driving as a contest and the road as a racetrack; perceives other road users as enemies; and feels consideration for fellow road users is a form of weakness. Forget what the Highway Code says. You only give way to traffic on your left if you’re slow (mind you, “slow” as used here is closer in meaning to “stupid” than it is to “unhurried”). There are few things more frustrating than trying to manoeuvre into or out of a difficult parking position and having to endure the unsolicited direction and guidance of not just backseat drivers but also roadside onlookers (many of whom may have never laid a hand on a steering wheel in their entire lives). Cut your hand; yi wo sotun; yi wo e daada; cut your hand well; oya, dawo pada. Should the manoeuvre prove too difficult, the “you better go get driver”, “mek una go learn how dem dey drive o”, “you sure say you sabi drive so?” and the pitiful shakes of the head are never long in coming. It takes a lot of self-restraint not to retort “come drive me now, idiot”. But it’s better not to say anything. It’ll do little to assuage your bruised ego. The only way you earn respect as a driver in Nigeria is by driving dangerously and getting away with it.

2. The War of the Sexes

Trying to convince a group of young (or old) women that men aren’t cheats and a group of young (or old) men that we (young) women aren’t cheap is like looking for Osama in Iraq: you’re just wasting your time. The female perception of men as cruel, good-for-nothing, philandering creatures is almost universal and fairly rock-solid. Nothing seems capable of changing this perception; not even the fact that many of us have responsible, hardworking, Godfearing fathers, husbands and brothers. To such women, these fathers, husbands and brothers are at best the painful-to-find exception to the general male population. But there precisely lies the point: there are some good men out there; probably more than the women prefer to imagine. At the end of the day, the perceptions the genders have about themselves are merely stereotypes; often deriving from the individual bad experiences some are unfortunate to have suffered. But stereotypes are some of the hardest things to change, which is why as certain as I am that there are (many) men who strive not to cheat on their partners, and (many) women with virtue and dignity as impregnable as a fortress, I would smile indulgently rather than argue when in a gathering of young, single women, whose individual stories and scars I know nothing of, they turn on me bristling and snarl: “All guys are all just cheats!” Yes, they are. And I never forget to add: but we women are quite cheap, you know.

3. Religion & the Question of Morals

So is there anything wrong in drinking alcohol? Is it a sin to do it before marriage, even when I'm pretty much certain he’s the one? Mm-hmm, these are arguments you don’t want to get into.
I mean, what could possibly be wrong in having a bottle of red wine with my husband on your wedding anniversary? Did I hear you say nothing? Great! So what’s the difference between that and downing a few bottles of chilled Star Lager beer with his mates on a Friday evening? This is an argument I regularly had with female and male S.U acquaintances back in university. Not once did I get any of them to concede to my point that it was drunkeness and not drinking itself that was the sin. Not even my usual joker that Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding in Canaan convinced them; their defence: the “wine” was unfermented grape juice. They refused to budge even in the face of glaring historical evidence that the Greek word “oinos” (that was translated into the English “wine”) is indeed alcoholic wine. I learnt a profound lesson: religious convictions are hardly alterable.

One thing I’ve never been able to comprehend is God’s rationale for fashioning a biological process that makes us sexually mature in our early teens when there’s (supposedly) a restriction on us exercising this sexuality until we get married; subjecting us (if we are to live by the rules) to several years of (needless) craving. I once tried to argue this point and was promptly and effectively shut up. Truth is it’s merely cultural that people tend not to get married until they’ve reached a certain statutory age, gotten a degree, acquired financial independence etc. So its man who screwed up God’s plan, not that God’s plan was flawed.

So for the things you can’t quite grasp, rather than arguing yourself hoarse, why don’t you decide, as I have done, to make that one of the questions you’ll ask Him during any of the countless chats you’ll hopefully have with Him in the eternity?

4. Soccer

Probably the greatest sport on earth; a game that inspires near-fanatical passion and loyalty world over. Trust Naija to overdo things, football followership here is even more intriguing. The average Nigerian guy:

(i) thinks he’s been following football since the beginning of time – Do you know when I started watching ball? And when the other chap, forgetting that some kinds of questions are intended to be rhetorical, dares challenge with a “When?”, majority reel off impractical dates, conveniently forgetting that prior to the explosion in football viewing centres across Nigerian cities, European football was something they only used to read in the newspaper sport pages;

(ii) understands formation, tactics and strategy better than UEFA pro-licensed coaches. That’s the only reason you’ll hear some frustrated bozo who had never heard of Arsenal until Kanu joined the club, call Wenger an idiot in a fit of rage, or why a barely literate dimwit who has absolutely no clue who Ranieri is would brazenly assert that Chelsea FC plays the best football in the world;

(iii) thinks the other average Nigerian guy (especially one that supports a rival club) knows nothing about football – Abeg, you no sabi ball - or - when you start to dey watch ball sef. The contempt in which the average Nigerian football lover holds his fellowman is only rivalled by the disdain he has for the rival (often more sucessful) club itself.

(iv) would never concede to a superior argument or contrary view. That’s why he would tenaciously cling to the most idiotic of arguments (e.g Cristiano Ronaldo is not a good footballer) and argue until he is hoarse. And when it becomes as plain as the nose on his face that he’s talking balderdash, the way out without losing out is a dismissive “You no sabi ball jo” and walking away.

The summary? The Rules of the Game are quite simple: never argue about football. As that lucky Arsenal fan in Lagos would happily remind you, it could earn you a knife in your eye.

5. Whether to Stay or Relocate

To stay or to go is a question virtually every young middle to upperclass Nigerian has to answer at some point in his or her life. There are many who would never be able to comprehend why some of us choose to remain in this wasted land of darkness, decayed infrastructure and lawlessness. And there are those of us who would never stop wondering whether there’s any happiness to be got in the sterile blandness of life overseas. Why would you trade the unpredictability, verve and spontaineity of Naija for the dreary monotony and sameness of the western world, we ask. Cos I want my kids to have first-class education is the instant answer; and my family to have access to quality healthcare, and I want to be able to sleep with both eyes closed…

At the end of the day, as someone I know once pointed out, it all depends on what we each individually place the most premium on. The call is each person’s to make. So rather than engage the male n female friends who thinks I am insane for not wanting to go live with a rich uncle in The States while pursuing my Masters over there despite having some rich relatives, all I did was chuckle.

So was this note actually worth the five or so minutes you spent reading it? Hey, now that’s an argument you surely don’t want to get into.

Facebook and the Ripple Effect.

It’s now more than seven years since Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook or pilfered the idea, depending on whose version of the story you choose to believe. Whether invented or stolen, Facebook is a brilliant idea (Zuckerberg’s estimated $6.9 billion worth is surely more than enough proof of that). With more than 500 million active users, Facebook has become not just an integral part of our everyday lives, but an indelible element of modern culture. Here are five ways I think Facebook has changed our lives, which you may not have realised:

Exhibitionism

Facebook is the showman’s delight. How else do you explain how a girl hangs out with Banky W at the VIP lounge of Tribeca on Friday night and uploads 77 pictures from the night by 9am the following morning when, considering she had such a blast, she ordinarily should still be reeling from a hangover? She simply wants to show off, that’s why!

With Facebook, you can flaunt (free of charge) anything and everything ranging from the sublime - pictures of holidays with your boo at an exotic tourist destination or you teeing off on a golf course – to the ridiculous – pictures of your customised licence plates or you posing inside a London bus. In case you think uploading pictures is the only means of exhibitionism available on FB, think twice! What about a status update thanking “my baby for giving me the best birthday present ever”? Isn’t that, if we are to be truthful to ourselves, sheer gloating?

The bottom line is that we all love to show off the (few) things we have in life, be it a fine babe, a nice car, Jimmy Choos, a tastefully furnished pad, curvy hips, celebrity friends, or a British Passport. And since the advent of Facebook, self-advertisement has never been easier or cheaper.

You may not believe this, but I know one or two fellas who consider the number of friends they have on Facebook a measure of their popularity or success. Now how about that!

Voyeurism

The traditional voyeur was the guy who crouched at the window of his top-floor room, lights turned off, and peeked through a slit in the drawn curtains in order to see the girl who lived in an apartment in the opposite building undress. That form of voyeurism is now as dated as it is repugnant.

With Facebook, and thanks to the vast majority of its users who are bewilderingly generous with personal information, you get to know that Ada has broken up with her boyfriend (“Ada is now single”); that Tony’s Blackberry Pin is 1290A1Z (because he is stupid enough to display it on his wall); that Funmi was at Basketmouth Uncensored last night and thought it was awesome (what’s on your mind); that Chioma’s boyfriend gave her a treat on her birthday (“Thanks honey! I had a fabulous time. I love you to bits!); that the boy Sandra has been going on and on about all week looks like an orang-utan (thank God she put up his picture; shiooo, de guy no even fine sef!); and that Osagie isn’t all that into her (its complicated); which are things you really had no business knowing except you are pretty chummy with Ada, Tony, Funmi, Chioma, Sandra or Osagie. It’s even worse in the case of those who, either out of ignorance or carelessness, do not make proper use of privacy settings; thereby making the private details of their lives a spectacle for every Tom, Dick and Harry who signs up to Facebook to feast on.

Free Speech

If there’s one good thing (or if you’re an intellectual snob like me, terribly tragic thing) Facebook has done, it’s the democratisation of speech. Thanks to Facebook, anyone and everyone can say anything – even utter nonsense – and be heard. Facebook provides a ready audience for every little, infantile thought that springs to life in our minds.

In the past, the only way publishing your poems could mean more than reading them to your loving, longsuffering spouse and a few kind, accommodating friends was if the poems were good. With Facebook, you can “publish” anything (and I mean “anything” literally) under the guise of “poetry”. No matter how awful the poem is, there’s bound to be some fella who will not only read it but “like” it as well. I am sometimes bewildered by the things I see people “liking” on Facebook; but of course, we are very different people, and as the common saying goes “one man’s meat is another man’s poison”.

Now, any one can reproduce quotations he picked off somewhere – without giving credit to the originator – and pass himself off as witty; generate robust intellectual discourse by raising worn-out posers (“why are Nigerians so corrupt?”) and trigger fierce debates by stirring up some of the oldest myths or controversies on earth (“men are cheats” or “money is all that matters to a woman”).

Facebook has liberalised intellectualism. Wisdom is no longer the exclusive preserve of kings and scholars. Thanks to Facebook, even our dimwit presidential candidates can pass off as intellectuals!

Romance

In the good old days, men had no clue if she was single or hooked but set off bravely in pursuit nonetheless. Today, no thanks to Facebook, except for the extremely foolhardy, seeing she’s proudly “in a relationship” (or worse still, “engaged” or even worse still, “married”) is a convenient excuse to chicken out.

But that’s not all. Facebook has also spawned a generation of cyber stalkers and e-predators, who skulk the web space, looking for men and women with “single” or “it’s complicated” statuses. Fortunately (or unfortunately for the not-so-good looking ones), FB has a wonderful feature called the profile picture to help narrow down your search. That, dear friends, is probably the best thing about Facebook: it provides you with all the tools you need for your due diligence – pictures, friends of friends, alma mater, hobbies etc.

However, as with all things in life, you must shine your eyes even on Facebook. As the FB savvy ones know too well, if he (she) doesn’t have too many pictures, or most of the pictures are distant or night shots, you had better start looking elsewhere.

Boredom

I recall that my first impression of Facebook was that it was the most ingenious invention, since the Playstation, for curing boredom. That (rather cynical) impression has been watered down, mostly due to a realisation of how incredibly useful Facebook is in reminding me of friends’ birthdays I would otherwise have certainly forgotten. Still, considering that some people get on Facebook to declare how tired they are (and there are such people!), there’s no doubt that Facebook is for many, the ultimate boredom killer; and that by feasting on friends’ wall posts, status updates, pictures and notes, some folks are merely seeking for an alternative to their own humdrum, uneventful lives. How else, if I may ask, do you explain someone who is not unemployed or a school dropout getting addicted to Farmville, trying to find out what their names say about them, experimenting with applications that reveal who’s been viewing their profile or such similar nonsense!

Or how else do you explain the solid five to ten minutes you have spent reading this note?

My Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.

I want to go to Amusement Park & Water Parks and think that it's Disneyland in Nigeria.

I want to play kites again and roll tyre across a fresh mud puddle and play Daddy & Mummy with my neighbours once again.

I want to think Goody Goody,  M&K,Gogo and Fudge, Dash are better than money becos you can actually eat them.

I want  my Mummy to take me and my siblings to Pacific Merchant Bank's End of the Year Party once again with the Adebayos', Aladesanmis', the Georges', the Adelekes' while we have marvellous fun deciding who can dance horribly better.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.All you knew was to be happy, because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want my Daddy alive to promise us as usual to take us to Amusement park again "One of these Days" that never came.
I want to still visit the Rahimis', the Ademosuns' and Uncle Greg for lunch every weekend.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, Sunrays, Ciscos, remedy, TABS, MINSAT, mountains of paperwork, Project Management, Customer's Complaints, Friends getting married and picking different aso ebis that will redden my bank account, productivity and performance consciousness from Team Leads, and other depressing news, how to survive when there are more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, mankind and making meals with sands around the house.
I want to play with my dolls, toys and ma brother's old soldiers, elephant and  toy cars and my days of imagination to last forever.

So here are my financially disabled atm cards, digital camera, my four phones, my 3 flash drives, my ipod, my memory cards,cheque books, wages slip, and laptop, my debts and my bank statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first because,"Who is in the Garden? A little fine girl! Can i come and see her? No, no, no, no. You, follow me!!!

The 10 Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make with Women — And What to Do About It...(David DeAngelo)

MISTAKE #1: Being Too Much of a "Nice Guy"
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted to "nice" guys?
Of course you have.
Just like me, I’m sure you’ve had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.

What’s going on here?
It’s actually very simple...
Women don’t base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.

And guess what?

Being nice doesn’t make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.
And being NICE doesn’t make a woman CHOOSE you.

I realize that this doesn’t make a lot of logical sense, and it’s hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.
Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you’ll NEVER have the success with women that you want.


MISTAKE #2: Trying to "Convince Her to Like You"

What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she’s just not interested?

Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.

Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!
Never, ever, EVER.
You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".

Think about it.
If a woman doesn’t "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her?
But we all do it.
When a woman just isn’t interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.
Bad idea. One that will never work.

MISTAKE #3: Looking to Her for Approval or Permission

In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman’s "approval" or "permission".
Another HORRIBLE idea.
Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.

Don’t get me wrong here.
You don’t have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.
But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again.
You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.

Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...

MISTAKE #4: Trying to "Buy" Her Affection with Food and Gifts

How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn’t treat her even HALF as well as you did?
If you’re like me, then you’ve had it happen a LOT.

Well guess what?
It’s only NATURAL when this happens...

That’s right, I said NATURAL.

When you do these things, you send a clear message:
"I don’t think you’ll like me for who I am, so I’m going to try to buy your attention and affection".
Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That’s right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.

MISTAKE #5: Sharing "How You Feel" Too Early in the Relationship with Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.
Attractive women are rare.
And they get a LOT of attention from men.
Most men don’t realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE
An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.
And guess what?
Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.

That’s right. They have EXPERIENCE.

They know what to expect.
And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.
This signals to the woman that you’re just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can’t control themselves.

Don’t do it. Lean back. Relax.
There’s a much better way...

MISTAKE #6: Not "Getting" How Attraction Works for Women

Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.

You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.
When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.
But does the same apply for women?
Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?
Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks.
Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?

Think about it.
Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they’re attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.
If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

But it’s not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.
And ANY guy can learn how...

MISTAKE #7: Thinking That It Takes Money and Looks

One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they’ve even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.
And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.
But MOST women are far more interested in a man’s personality than his wallet or his looks.
There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...
And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.
YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren’t rich, tall, or handsome.
Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

MISTAKE #8: Giving Away All of Your Power to Women

Earlier I mentioned that it’s a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.
Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.
Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.

Another bad idea...
Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren’t attracted to Wussies!


MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing EXACTLY What to Do in Each Type of Situation with Women

Now I’m going to blow your mind...
A woman ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking.
Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That’s ten TIMES.
I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you’re out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.
And if you don’t know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won’t help!
And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...
Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.
If you don’t know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.
And you KNOW it.
It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.

 

Writer's Block it is....

I’ve always heard the term, “Writer’s block” but i never thought it could happen to a genius like me.(Yup, deal with it, I’m a genius!!). I was under the impression some of us possessing so much intelligence cannot experience such.



I was wrong.


Not writing or posting on this blog for over a week is not a deliberate tact 2 keep u panting for more, Trust me.


I was blank.


I AM still blank.


And probably will for the next couple of days.(That’s right, my blankness is a lazy choice, no be jazz!)


Suddenly, it hit me.


I’ve grown so arrogant of my writing skills I’ve just stopped practicing. I grew accustomed to hearing people say,” u should consider writing as a profession. You will make it big”. I’ve heard it so much I just discovered recently I practically float on air when walking.






Yup, my pride and arrogance has grown wings. I stopped practising or even writing anything.


Not even a letter. That’s why i find it lazy sending even messages. Gosh, it’s so much work. It encompasses me thinking so much of what to type. You should see the messages we exchange amidst ourselves. Usually, it doesn’t exceed 2 words like, “u home” or, “where u” or “I’m downstairs”. And even when it exceed 3 words, the punctuation mark makes it 3. And if you ask any Telecommunication staff, after the first few months of getting used to having so much airtime, sending a message becomes a task we consider demeaning. Yeah, we grow them conceited in the telecoms world.


Then it hit me again. I’ve been stuck in time. I’ve been hanging on the cliff of the oldies.


Some hrs back, a friend sent me an application to work for a reputable bank. I was meant to take my test online. (Yeah, I’m that special)


It’s alright, don’t be jealous. I flunked it. They’ve collected their job test and interview. Hey, it wasn’t my fault. It was that crazy test that had something numerical n logical bla bla bla.


For 6 full minutes, i stared blankly at my computer screen showing some logical reasoning balder dash test and was wondering what I was supposed to be looking out for. Are the black dots supposed to be moving or should I make it move? And what did they mean about what the ratio of crude oil should be as against the kerosene? How am i supposed to know? The angles all looked the same if u ask me. And do they care to explain what the jargons on this pie chart should represent? But wait a min, come to think of it. How in the Jews name does that help in bringing money into the bank or dealing with top clients, duh!. They just don’t know what to do with so much space on the page so decided to fill it with impossibly unreasonable questions I’m ready to bet my armed robber’s salary on that not even Soludo coulda answered. I could picture the one who set the exam watch me choose 20 wrong answers and smile to himself while he arrogantly click on No. (That’s me for you. There’s just something exciting bout pouring all your woes on an unsuspecting victim)






But on a more serious note, not writing is not because i don’t wanna write but there are too many topics to write on. Should i write on Love? Relationship? Marriage? Sex? Money? Who is the better lover, the guy or girl? Political situation in Nigeria? Gender discriminations? Or other topics that have been over flogged.


I was chatting online with an old school mate’s brother some weeks back whose writing skills inspired me to add him as a friend. We were on the usual camaraderie angle and he came up with a suggestion that we both choose a topic to write on but from our personal gender’s point of view. We were both enthusiastic about it. We explored themes and titles. We considered making it into big ideas and probably selling. It was a major feat. We had visions and dreams of the article being widely read.


Meanwhile, I warned him that while necessity is the mother of invention, Tejumade Omoyosola Oyeyemi Oyedeji invented procrastination.


He laughed heartily. He says i’ve got a huge sense of humor. He says my man is lucky that i know how to make every one laugh. He was happy to have me as a friend. He made me promise to come up with different ideas and point of views to the story. It was really a great moment to share. We parted with words of promise to come up with lots of points and ideas.


3 weeks and some days now, i can’t even think of what our topic of discussion was in the first place. Hey, i warned him but apparently, my looks worked for me. Again.


Ok, back to the main gist, anyone reading this particular blog will discover i’m doing it again. And it’s working. Again


Might i point out that from the beginning of this story, i’ve diversified, branched out, viewed from various perspectives, spoken, talked, written, what i’m trying to say is i’ve not stuck to one subject matter. I’ve touched a lil of this and that. That’s what the likes of me, Linda Akeji, Chika, Wole Soyinka, Toni Kan, Betty Irabor, Chinua Achebe, Fela Durotoye and the likes of us do (yeah, start dealing with it, i belong to this category). Even if we don’t have what to write, we have a way of making you take some time out to read our beautiful nonsense. That’s what makes us Literary giants( I can imagine Titi’s expression at this stage).


Ok guys, i tried to save the good and bad news for last. So which one do u wanna hear? The good or bad? Ok, let me say the good. May i say here that yours truly is still as witty and pretty as eva and representing all you peeps!! Yeah yeah, you don’t have to scream it that you don’t care.. I suspected as much..


Ok, the bad news is that if you remember, from the inception of this my dazzling article, my subject matter was my blankness. Well, duh, i still am. If you didn’t figure it out from the second or third paragraph, then that makes you one of many that fell and is still falling for my witty charms and comebacks. And if you are still reading after that statement, then maybe it’s time i open my fan page. Make it a date 2 be ma first fan! Might i say here i wrote all this under 10 mins? I know. I’m that good.






Yeah, no need chasing me with pure water and moin moin wrapper, i’m out already.






P.S: If you take time out to read this part where i apologise for my non-conforming use of punctuation marks, then take it from me. You are this close to stalking me. Then, i’d be needing me a bodyguard.


ANNNNNNNNNNNNND CUT..............................

If I Tell You Once, I Will Nag You Twice...(GLORIA)

When I was growing up, I wondered why my mother shouted so much. I would watch her as she entered the house from a long day at work as she still managed to scream at me, the two house helps and my brother all before she put her bag down on the dining table and entered the kitchen. She would then get a glass of water and complain about how much her head hurt and start shouting at everyone all over again. My dad on the other hand would be in his study watching the news or some other political show blissfully unaware of the verbal war occurring downstairs. At the time I wondered why my mum couldn’t be more like my dad! Surely she too must be interested in the news!

Alas! Now I am older and wiser and I realize that the apple really hasn’t fallen far from the tree. I now see clearly why my darling mother screamed tirelessly at us when we were growing up. Far from what we thought back then, she actually didn’t enjoy shouting. She screamed because we hadn’t done any of the things she had told us to do before she left the house. She was at her wits end because despite telling us to make our beds and do certain chores before she got home, we had either waited till we heard the sound of her car horn at the gate before we hurriedly did them incorrectly or had totally forgotten to do any of them at all.

Today I watch men backbiting about how their wives, partners or girlfriends are such nags. “Must they ‘talk’ about everything”, “they ‘complain’ too much”, “my girlfriend is such a ‘nag’”, they say in a high and lofty manner.

Well ladies, I have come to your defense! Anytime your man calls you a nag or complains about how much you complain, I want you to show him this article.

You see life is made up of both actions and reactions. For everything you do in this life there is usually a response, this is true – whether you realise it or not is a different issue. Generally, we females aren’t mad. We don’t wake up in the morning and start screaming just for the sake of it. We weren’t told that yelling at the top of our lungs makes us beautiful. No! Rather it is you men that are driving us crazy! If I say to you once or twice in the sweetest voice possible, “baby, please could you put the ketchup back in the fridge after you use it” and you don’t. How is it that I am labeled the chief commander for the complaints ministry when you continually fail to do so? Surely if there is anyone with a problem here it is you. Simply put, if you men just did what you were supposed to do, how and when you were supposed to do it, there would be no complaints. Shikenah!

If your wife says “Darling, please put Junior to bed so I can do the washing up” and two hours later you are still watching Match of the Day and Junior has poured water colour all over the rug she just cleaned, you can bet your bottom dollar she will YELL! If your girlfriend says to you “Baby, you’ve changed, you don’t call me as much” and you don’t start calling her or offer plausible reasons why your calls have decreased and she complains it’s not her fault. It’s YOURS!

What men have to realise is for everything you do to us, we have a response. And no, you don’t get to choose what type of response we give. It is unfair to upset your partner and still expect them to give you a kiss while they explain in a loving voice what you did wrong! When if you had done what we asked in the first place, or told us there and then that there would be a problem doing what we asked, there would be no nagging. So the moral of this article is simple. Next time you are about to call your partner a nag, just try retracing your steps to exactly what you were meant to do…..and you would find that the problem would be easily solved.

We women are really not that difficult to understand. And yes, you can thank me later