Marriage: Butter jam Pako

Hubby mentioned in passing yesterday and I am quoting verbatim,

"Babes, it's been a while we fought o. July to be precise. It seems I am getting more mature in dealing with you after all".

And I smiled. Men! So typical of them to indulge in self-gratification and conclude they are the mature ones in the relationship.

I thought about it too though and discovered it's been a while we actually exchanged some couple's spat, however little. Most fights are usually as a result of learning to deal with our different personalities and home traditions. But as each day turns to month, I have been able to see and accept him for who he is: an extremely domestically handicapped hubby that cannot boil water to save his life, and I have decided to accept him that way, if for nothing but to ensure he does not burn down the house while attempting to do a house chore which he has never attempted to do since I met him. 

At least, all the weeks I spent in counselling classes are paying off. Our marriage is definitely not a bed of roses but we have been able to put in proper place one thing that most are still trying to deal with: Managing differences.

I vividly remember the first time I spent the night with hubby and family. (Na you sabi if you are thinking whether the sleep over was before they came to ask for my hand in marriage or after o. We are sha married now). When it was time to sleep, I simply stood from my position in the living room and walked into the room and climbed into bed and promptly dozed off. Some while after, hubby walked into the room and had the audacity to wake me and asked,

"Are you in for the night"? 

I looked at him incredulously while trying to clear the remaining sleep from my eyes. I had so many sarcastic responses to that question but I noted his mutinous stance and I knew this guy was spoiling for a fight (and Vals day was not even around the corner) and I simply responded, "Yes". He immediately retorted,

"And you did not say good night to anybody. Please get up and come say goodnight to everyone".

At that point, my eyes had been cleared of any remnant of sleep and I glared at him furiously,

"I don't get. If they don't see me in the parlour for the rest of the night, they will know I have gone to sleep now. It's not so hard to figure out."

Hubby stared at me incredulously like I just suggested he considers vasectomy and spoke rather heatedly.

"That is not only rude and discourteous, it does not speak well of you. How can you just stand up from the parlour and not say goodnight?......." And he continued heatedly on the benefits of courtesy and how it once saved the lives of some people I do not know. 

He won the battle that night because I had to walk back to the parlour with my tail well hidden to wish everyone goodnight with a smile on my face.

Did I ever mention hubby does not let go of things like that easily, especially when courtesy and decorum is involved? Oh yes I heard the sermon on courtesy & decorum behaviour for the rest of the night. Though I think he may have stopped talking when my snores overrode the volume of his voice.

The last straw that broke the back of the tortoise was when I took an empty audio CD of his to record some jamz that we will actually listen from together and hubby came back and saw that an audio cd was missing amongst the 7 empty ones that were remaining.

"Tejumade (he calls my name in full when he is about to blow up), did you take an empty CD from the CD pack?”

Duh, is that not obvious? I responded that I did and I saw hubby literally fly off the handle.

"I have told you severally not to take my things without my permission, you have to tell me. It's not nice. You need to respect my privacy and courtesy demands you tell me before using my stuff (Privacy? Dude, you gave that up the minute you put a ring on it FYI). That’s coming from a guy who stole my heart without as much as please. He further went on and on about the courtesy speech again. The Debate team would have been proud.

At that moment, I just missed my family. Trust the Oyedeji dynasty. When you are feeling sleepy, just walk into your room and shut the door. If they do not see you come out after 30mins and they knock on your door with no response, they will deduce you have slept. As for privacy on stuffs, the unwritten and unspoken rule of the family: If it's not for public use, keep it in your room or hide it from the public glare. Once it is in the living room, refrigerator, or anywhere that everyone has access to, it is for the public. 

I knew it was not a joke when one day, my mum in law called me on phone to ask whether she could eat something I kept in the fridge. There & then, I knew this courtesy thing had come to stay, just like play like play. It was a generic family habit as I was coming to see. And this adjustment was definitely not going to be easy.

In as much as it is an admirable trait (which my children must emulate), I found it not only strange but extremely hilarious that they request for your permission to take something as inconsequential as a razor blade. It keeps me cracking once I see any of their names (my in-laws) appearing on my phone as an incoming call. I just know my permission is about to be sought for something that will make me roar out in laughter.

Adjusting to such norm and learning the art of asking before taking, no matter how inconsequential was never part of me nor part of how I was brought up, as I was brought up in an environment where sharing has been taken for granted. In simple terms, with the Oyedeji family: it was a case of finder’s keeper.

But coming into a family where it is practically a taboo to use what does not belong to you, sniff what was not meant for your nose, eat what you did not buy, take what you did not pay for, go to bed without saying goodnight or the greatest taboo of all, make comments while watching a movie, adjustment was definitely not going to be easy. However, knowing I will be spending the rest of my life in this family, I have concluded it will be a small price to pay, as against being kept awake every night to be drilled on the importance of courtesy and its impact on the family tradition. (Hubby goes overboard with these things at times, of which, I have concluded he enjoys giving out such lecture and relishes the torture it does to me)

Though, I am gradually not bursting out in laughter anymore, especially when I recently received a call from my sister in law, who sounded very courteous, serious and solemn on the phone like she was requesting for a huge loan, and wanting to know whether she could make use of my hair cream and hubby calling shortly after to ask whether he can take some of my groundnut which I left on the table, or even mum in law wondering whether she can make use of a picture of mine as her profile picture. (I am not exaggerating).

I am certain I will adjust to this courtesy culture in a while, probably before my first child’s 18^th birthday.

I will however leave you to wonder which one of us is actually the Butter and which one is Pako: Hubby or Wifey.....

Native words used within the article:

“O” – A meaningless and useless letter used to convey your point.

"clear the remaining sleep" - Adverbial clause of description with reference to my state of eyes(Yeah, deal with it. It's my blog so i can coin any phrase and define it as I wish"

"parlour" - Used to describe the living room.

“Na you sabi” – A phrase that replaces the English word, “whatever”.

“sha” – A native word replacing “Just”.

“like play like play” – This tautological phrase is to emphasize your sense of wonder and disbelief. The more you repeat it, the more you convey your disbelief.

Jamz – Same as songs/music but when the word “jamz” is used, then that means the songs are simply “maaaaaad”.(If you cannot deduce the meaning of the word, “maaaad”, you have a spiritual problem)

“Butter” – A state of serious delusion that some people suffer just because they paid their school fees in dollars or had more clothes while growing up.

“Pako” – A realistic state of living where you know all the rules of the street and grew up in the heart of the city learning some tricks that are paying off now.

Note: The above meanings are author’s definitions. Anyone dissatisfied with the meaning should please scratch this area with razor blade.