Unemployed? or Simply Unemployable?

So that was how I was minding my own business in my huge office with its windows overlooking the open space of the Atlantic Ocean (abi you want to contest that one too?? It's for me to describe my office however I please and for you to come to my office and confirm whether it's an exaggeration or not.), when all of a sudden, a cool looking guy walked into the HR room (at this point, one will ask how i was able to see the cool dude walking into HR office from my huge office. But never underestimate the neck flexibility & the hearing power of a determined gbeborun).

As soon as he came in, i just knew his presence there will be pertaining to an interview session but i still activated my monitoring spirit mode anyway.

HR Officer: "Hi, what can i do for you?"

Cool Dude: "I was called for an interview."

HR Officer: "What's your name please?"

Cool Dude: "Gbadeyanka Olanbiwoninu".

HR Officer: "What time were you scheduled for?"

Cool Dude: "I was told to get here for 11:00am".

I looked at my time. It was 12 mins past the hour of 12. At that moment, i minimised my windows page and muted the voice of Adele as she described what happens when the sky falls because, somehow I knew the outcome of the conversation will have a very funny closure.

HR Officer: "So how come you are just coming by this time?”

Then the guy made the same statement every late comer had told his/her HR officer at some point in their career journey.

Cool Dude: "There was a serious accident along the way and my car broke down and i had to park it somewhere and took a bus. I am very sorry about that. 

HR Officer: "Wow, sorry about that. Where is your car key"? (As dude seems to have nothing whatsoever on him, not even a wallet. And his dress did not seem to have a pocket.

Cool Dude: I must have left it in the mouth of the car. (Yes, he used the word, "mouth”.)

HR Dude: Alright then. Can i have your resume and credentials please?"

After making that request, the HR officer looked down at her desk and was making some adjustments on some figures she was attending to shortly before cool dude’s arrival. After waiting for up to 60 seconds(Yeah, my clock was ticking rather loud and I checked the time because I have serious aversion to slowness on all levels) with no one thrusting some documents on her table, she looked up again to see the cool dude looking confused mixed with a bit of surprise. With his next words, he unanimously sealed his fate.

Cool Dude: "I didn't know i was supposed to come with them. I thought this is just a verbal kind of interview where you ask me some questions and the next stage you will now ask me to bring it." (My mouth was agape as soon as I heard the “I didn’t know” part).

I was a bit disappointed when the HR Officer did not summon some security officials to come and remove cool dude physically and escort him out of the office. 

His own story however is quite lenient compared to the footballer who was seeking a white-collar type of employment. When asked during the interview what skills he will be bringing to the company and how he can be an effective team player, he confidently had this to say for himself;

Footballer Candidate: "I am a very good footballer and i play very well so i have experience in being a team player." (I was very upset when i learnt he was asked other questions after that. I would simply have stood and walked out of the interview room leaving instructions that all resumes that have candidates with past experience as a footballer should be screened and thrown into the shredder where it deserves. 

But do you blame the guy? He heard the term “team player” and Ronaldo, Messi, Mikel Obi, and Enyimba mates came to mind.

The most ridiculous and hilarious of all are the resumes that have passport photographs that have been scanned printed right inside the resume such that when you open it, it looks like the kind of forms you fill for medical records so you will be recognised once you go for medical attention at the hospital. I mean, what the……? You took time to scan and attach your passport to a resume but cannot take time to read on how to prepare for an interview and what NOT to do??? Who does that?? My God!! Personal Development needs to be taught as a course and Preparation for Interview should be introduced into the final year classes just like Harvard Schools.

And don't you just love the over-flogged terms still in use: Team player, ability to work with little or no supervision, great interpersonal relationship skills, team leader, and excellent communication skills. Oh yes, people still use those phrases. You just want to go aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

Someone even mentioned that two brothers applied for different positions in the same company with the same resume but had the decency (or just plain daftness) to change the names. Either due to the embedded stupidity or just lack of patience, the scanned photograph that some unbelievable graduates attach to resumes was not changed so it was a case of same resume, same picture but different names.

I will simply leave you to imagine an interview scenario where the interviewer has in front of him a resume with a scanned photograph of a young looking man quite fair in complexion, while the candidate sitting across the table from him is as dark as night with no resemblance whatsoever to the scanned resume yet the candidate is convincing him he used to be extremely fair in complexion. He should have stuck to the Photoshop or camera flash story)

And you wonder why some people will still end up selling Moringa on the express-way despite their degree cardboard paper?

It’s inevitable abeg.

Gbeborun: Is a term used to describe a very classy gossip who likes to listen on other people’s affair.

Abi: is a Nigerian term replacing the conjunction, “or”

Moringa: is a local herb that is believed to heal all types of ailment.

Abeg: a Nigerian term used in place of “duh”

All names have been changed and situations embellished but message is same and intent remains for one purpose: humour.