Really, What's Love Got to Do With It?

I laugh a lot. And I love the good things of life, a whole lot.

I find humour in mundane things. And I like to purchase beautiful things like gadgets, clothes, hair extensions, books, jewellery, shoes, bags, household equipment, and other lovely things of life that puts me probably not in the affluent part of the food chain but definitely somewhere in the middle or even right above the middle.

I like to look good and I am always wearing a smile and I have a face that threatens to break out into laughter at any moment even if the person is simply saying “hi” or even if someone is very upset with me as I also find anger extremely fascinating. (You don’t want to know how many times I have wanted to smile and grin at Jagaban when Jagaban is upset with me over something I’d erroneously done and is reprimanding me as I’d always been told I have a charming smile and look so adorable when I smile so I have always wanted to test that charm on Jagaban).

Erm, that's not me actually but we share teeth whiteness.

But omo mehn, when I simply weigh the thought of having to dust my certificates (which I don’t know where they are again o, come to think of it) and compose a new resume and start searching for jobs on the streets of Lagos, that idea fizzles out so swift that Usain Bolt will be proud and I wipe and dismiss that incoming smile very fast! And I will be right if I say most close associates will concede to the fact that I wear a smile and laughter more than I have ever adorned a frown, if ever.

And when I’m not smiling or engaged in laughter, then I am exquisitely dishing out sarcasm in all its paraphernalia and glory, while still looking pretty too I must say.(battling my Avon mixed with Mac mascara induced very long lashes)

Oh sarcasm! Oh beautiful things of life!

I actually find it perplexing that there are actually some people in existence that don’t enjoy nor understand sarcasm and cannot even speak it. And for the unknowledgeable, sarcasm IS a language and I basically live and breathe with it).

It is my mantra for the dim-witted.

Sarcasm! The language of the intelligent for the slow minded questions and genuinely energy sapping and still irritating-on-top-of-it questions, the ability to think fast and  not forgetting, the ability to tell someone in an open yet hidden way to go to hell without the person being able to quote you anywhere and even looks forward to the journey I must add!

You should understand that sarcasm does not mean I am above being the recipient.

Absolutely not! In fact, very far from it. I may be an expert on sarcasm but I assure you Jagaban will win the show any day anytime when it comes to sarcasm.

I receive doses of it from Jagaban on a daily basis. (The initiated will know who I speak thus) You will even discover that I have once asked Jagaban the famous retarded question of “where should I put it?” despite a huge table lying across Jagaban empty or simply giving instruction to someone as to where to put the stuff in question.

Jagaban did not disappoint and lived to the name bestowed, as Jagaban gave me a response that my slow mind deserved, “Take It to my village if it will be no trouble”, Jagaban said in a deadpan tone and no flicking eyelid I swear!

No, I did not take it to Jagaban’s village and I did not get upset simply because I enjoy sarcasm a lot and I accepted that such neuron sapping question deserved a Grammy awarded response as specially dished out by Jagaban.

Awesome, right?

So having deduced that I will probably develop lovely laugh crinkles more than the average person and that I love to look good and spend money on beautiful things, then it goes without saying that when I was choosing a life partner, a sense of humour, a fashion savvy personality with huge appreciation for the fine things of life should be a huge factor to consider, shebi?

HELL YEAH!!!!!!

Fashion appealing, wicked humour & the ability to understand sarcasm and dish it was a much required physical factor that I was not willing to compromise on in any way despite having other important requirements on the list that must be met. But on this one o, I needed someone who shared my light approach to life, who understood that it was foregone conclusion MUST that he must look good when stepping out of the house, who appreciates beautiful things and someone who does not keep grudges.

Because e go too pain me o make I come kpai and all my money should go to charity because I was saving towards rainy day! Hian! Ko joor mehn! Every cash made on earth must be spent on earth.

Ko soro!

So therefore, if I knew what I wanted in a life partner, why would I choose to spend the rest of my life with someone who lacked all that I have dreamt of and settle for somebody who is a direct opposite of all I aspire for in a hubby simply because of the way he looks at me adorably or because he has some extremely soft looking lips, (Oh my!) or because he proposed to me on a Yacht with all his rich friends and their women envious or because every time he beats me, he apologises on the radio and TV station an buys me a Hermes bag or every time he cheats on me with some of his ex-girlfriends and co-workers and I find out, he buys me 24 karat gold? Why will I go ahead and marry someone who I nurse deep fear for regarding our future together as a result of our mental and intellectual polarity just because I believe “we are deeply in love and he loves me too?”

The gorilla also needs to know if you are for real. 

Since when has love been a deciding factor for choosing a life partner? And really, what’s love got to do with it?

People think I kid when I mention in passing that I was very clinical, calculating and extremely methodical when I was choosing a life partner.

Every analysis was deliberated upon mehn.

Trust me, when you come from a family where your folks were so much in love and everyone tells you that but yet still go ahead and get separated, love will be the last thing you will be looking for when choosing a life partner.

And I am well aware that Hubby may love me deeply but that was not the deciding factor for him but rather he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me because of my culinary skills (Oh yes, I am a splendid cook!), my obsessive compulsion for orderliness and cleanliness. (If you ask me, the guy just wanted someone to compliment his inability to prepare ordinary eba and someone to clean up after him when he disorganises everywhere he as much as breath towards)

So yeah, we were both very calculating before “jumping the broom”. We analyse what each person was bringing into the relationship and decided to “use” each other for life.

Nope, that's not us o. My wedding gown was finer joor.

I assure you, love has nothing to do with it. If you ask me, love is just too overrated.

Love, as portrayed via the social media, commercial ads flying everywhere and celebrities in relationship and marriage has to be between two gorgeous people who are quite rich and can afford to travel everywhere they want with wonderful in-laws looking happily but minding their business in a galaxy far far away from where the couple lives, adoring friends fawning over how lucky the couple is to have found each other, beautiful and brilliant but obedient children that will take their father’s height and their mother’s beauty with good jobs and everything that makes a man and woman stay married till the man dies at the age of 105 and the woman follows like 2 days later.

Sounds like the movie, The Notebook, abi?

Exactly! Unrealistic and extremely unlikely that there will be a married couple on earth and in real life enjoying such life portrayed as above without some doses of unhappiness or challenges that will rear its head during the course of the marriage.

If your marriage is rosy at all times, sorry o, but one of you is deceiving the other. That is not marriage. That is fantasy, which many men and women are still living under a huge delusion and nursing hope that there is that perfect partner out there that will simply come and fill in all the holes and blank spots gaping in their lives. As a result, so many young people seek a relationship based on unrealistic expectations that cannot be fulfilled and even if there exists a partner that may be able to fit into at least half of the requirements, the person is either way out of their league, pursuing someone else that will make him/her miserable, married to his own considered soul mate or even dead.

  

And you wonder why the divorce rate is high in this generation? It is high because many couples are getting married for the wrong reasons and also without the proper checks and balances.

Let me try and run through some examples that may hit close to home.

1)    Every child is a product of his environment so chances are that if you marry from a family where the son grew up seeing his father molest his mother, he would most likely follow in his footsteps and this will be no fault of his but as they say, we become what we see constantly.

2)    It is a given that female children who grew up with separate parents are usually more independent minded than those who grew up under the umbrella of a father and mother. (I am a living proof). So if as a man, you are used to a woman being at your beck and call or that her place is in your “blackened by kerosene stove kitchen”, it is disastrous to marry someone from that background as you will definitely experience certain power tussle in the course of your marriage with such lady who for the better part of her life hasn't taken orders from any man or doesn't know what it feels like to grow up having a father, so mister opomulero, except you don’t mind sharing opinions with Miss independent, it will not be a smart move to venture into it. (In Tabitha’ voice, I foresee doom)

3)    When you marry a man/woman who dumped their partner to be in a relationship with you, your relationship is a time bomb ticking, until someone else claims their interest (I am always amazed when people snatch other peoples’ boo and expect that they will be the person to turn the person around. As as how na?)

4)    When you marry a serial cheat with the hope that you possess the genes to change him/her, your agony days are about to be extended for eternity.

5)    And finally, when almost all your friends and relatives don’t support who you want to marry, be rest assured that it is not a conspiracy. Something is wrong. Stop deceiving yourself that everyone just hates you. Dude/babe got something everyone can see but you are so love blinded you won’t even notice if she/he farts through his/her ears. You will still say “oh, so adorable”.

I am fully aware that there are exceptions to the rule but there are times that the pain and sadness gets waaaay too much before the morning joy arrives and so much damage has been done, so why go through many years of pain and stress for something that should have been nipped in the bud way earlier?

Na so love shack you reach?

Because, what I cannot for all the blood diamonds in Sierra Leone (maybe when I see the raw diamonds sha I will change my mind o) seem to comprehend is how in the name of ten devils (melodramatic mode activated) will you see glaring qualities of an impending doom when you are about to get married to that doom personified partner and still hope that somehow he/she would change because of you?

And no, people DO NOT change overnight. It is a process we always miss because we are blinded by lust, not love. It is not in doubt that people change but usually there is always a manifestation of that quality no matter how subtle.

Let's take for example, a man who "accidentally" slaps his girlfriend (this means he was not yet married to her before he slapped her o) but she went ahead to marry him making excuses for him along the way to relatives who are appalled she till accepted his marriage proposal and friends who care to listen forgetting that she is getting married to him and not any third party, and not knowing that slap is actually the prelude to the real deal and further slaps will be engineered towards her cheeks and configured to subsequently restore her default settings.

I kid you not.

Or in another scenario where a girl who has had it difficult while growing up and having being sent to the university by her struggling family now decides to get married to a guy who is basically unemployed and struggling to make ends meet and that not being the major problem, she now decides to get pregnant BEFORE the wedding,

Shuo! Pregnancy on top this money wey una dey struggle manage?

This is actually a real life scenario and when I was told, I just set an alarm clock to go off in less than a year. (Not wishing for it not to work but simply with a very cold appraisal as to how this will pan out. I pray it works out but mehn, ikoko to ba ma je ata, idi re ma gbona mehn which means things will get really rough before they get better) Now, a grapevine tells me since they got married, it has been one fight or the other due to financial challenges.

Tell me something I did not know!

This is not an avenue to make jest of anyone but to simply mention that being in love shouldn’t rub us of any common sense, which seems to be the trends of today. Marriage is a stressful institution on its own without violence, intellectual & emotional incompatibility and financial constraint so I am of the opinion strategic thinking should be put in place when selecting a life partner.

When selecting(Yes, selecting, like a very expensive clothing or gadget or something expensive and eternal binding, like a partner, you SELECT, SIEVE, PICK, CHOOSE SHREWDLY), you have every right to have a realistic check list and be sure that out of the realistic 15 expectations you want from an intended partner, be sure that more than 10 of it is met by him/her.

Simply put, if you are a king and have the characteristics to match all 15 expectations, then by jove & mercy, you deserve to look out for a queen that is well deserving of the 15 characters you also match and that which you require to be happy.

However, never ask of an intended life partner what you cannot offer or give. You want a King, then you have got to be a Queen. You want a brilliant fashionista, you had better not be caught by a fashion policy and sentenced to the “Oops” section. You want an independent life partner, you had better never be caught sitting at the passenger’s corner. No be say you no get shishi(shishi means money, not having a dime), you are now looking for Dangote, Adenuga or Dantata’s daughter to marry or you did not go to school and you are looking for a PHD graduate. Kpsheeew.

In the days of yore (I mean the days of our forefather), families select spouses for their children shrewdly and analytically; the family they came from will be checked to ensure there are no mad people to pollute their genes, the beauty of the wives and the virility of the men will also be considered, the financial stability of the man to take care of the woman pre and post pregnancy and children will also be checked, the woman’s capability of not only giving birth to healthy children but carrying them to term and other methodical approach to ensure the marriage will be a success was a huge norm.

People practically get upset when I tell them appearance do matter when choosing a life partner. It may not be the major criteria but it is an important one. If a man likes robust fleshy women with soft palms, why should he not channel his preference towards there? Or why should a girl who was brought up with the fine things of life and who wants kids and also to be a career woman marry a man that believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen, does not want kids and is of the opinion money is not a criteria to love?

It’s so is! You broke a**e stingy penny pinching human excuse! *whew*

So, like I reiterated, when it comes to choosing a life partner, Love has nothing to do with it. Part of it, yes, but it goes beyond heart palpitations, blushing face, wet inner thighs, lush lips and rosy amber eyes.

And most of all, it’s about being sensible and extremely practical. Consider searching for a life partner like drawing up your yearly financial statement. You need to be sure whether the person is an asset or liability or equity.

And for those not aware what life partner means, think about starting your own company with lots of your investment you have channeled into it. You may want to ask yourself: After so much investment, do I want this company to succeed or do I want it to fail and have it go through some merger and acquisition processes?

Your call, your choice, your decision. Nobody else. Yours.

Be wise!