The Danger of a Midnight Cuddle

I love to hug and cuddle. A whole lot.

For me, I believe it’s one of the most powerful ways to express affection and show how much someone means to you. In a manner of speaking, sharing a deep hug or cuddling next to someone you love can be quite emotional and relaxing. You can actually have an inkling how much someone cares just by the way and manner of hug and cuddles they pass your way.

Which was why during the early wooing stages when Hubby was still trying to justify why no other creation of God could make me as happy as he could (Yep, he said it), one of the first questions I asked him was:

“Do you like PDA”? (Mehn, that question was very important as I didn’t want to end up with a guy who would post on Facebook or Twitter “Happy Birthday to the love of my life, you know yourself!” And 38 girls would happily smile and gush thinking it was them)

Hubby is the last person you can catch unawares though. With a very mushy expression, he held my hands and pledged his undying support for PDA and his belief that it was a way of reassuring a woman how deeply he loves her. He even rubbed my hand affectionately in that public spot we were that day just to show me how much PDA I could look forward to if I could simply just promise to be his prize for the rest of eternity. He even went ahead to promise he would name our first daughter with my name. Now he is saying that royal name of mine is old school.

Fast forward to many months of marriage and Hubby has been able to prove that he is not averse in any way to public display of affection. And as a woman, there are just some days you come home and just want to nestle into the crook of your man’s arms, crooning and moaning about the hassles of the day. Hubby indulges me during these times and even ruffles my head in affection while he presses away on his phone and chats across 3 groups.

That should have been the warning sign. The head ruffle. The same type you give to your Chihuahua that you named Champagne, Fluffy, Petal, or one of those exotic names you give to pets that are very close to the floor without letting them distract you.

Apart from being a lover of hugs and cuddles, I am also a light sleeper. So most times when I wake around midnight to ease myself, getting back to sleep is usually nearly impossible. It’s during these sleepless moments I usually want to experience some warm cuddles the most. Hubby knows this and though indulges me most times, he is quick to stop me with a glaring look when he sees I’ve got the mushy look of “I’m coming in for a cuddle” and especially when he just showers and still basking in the coolness of his own body.  And when I’m hit by these emotions at night, I look at Hubby on the other side of bed looking so peaceful while snoring softly with his arms flung over his head and one tucked away by his neck or stomach and I just want to nestle close and cuddle to sleep there.

However, when you have been married for many months to a man who takes after Jackie Chan in moves when woken abruptly and needs up to 30 years to join we mortals back on earth after disrupting his sleep, you try to be wise and plan your cuddly midnight moments accordingly to avoid sharing the same looks with a battered thief on the street of Lagos.

So on that fateful night, Hubby had earlier warned me not to go to bed early as I stood a higher chance of waking early and not being able to  go back to sleep. But I had ignored. I was just too tired. And he didn't bother to argue nor warned me not to disturb him when I woke. It wasn't necessary as I was a very peaceful bedtime mate and never had I had the cause to wake him in the past.

At around midnight, I woke abruptly and with a sense of sadness, shone my flashlight to check the time. It was 12:45am. I knew the rest of the night was going to be long. As soon as I had relieved myself, I shone the light briefly at Hubby’s sleeping silhouette and I was enveloped by a rush of warmth. He is the only one I know who looks so innocent while asleep. Lying on his back, with his head facing the wall and with his hand flung across his head and one tucked peacefully by his neck, I dove in for a cuddle nestling so close I could hear his gentle heartbeat while using my free arm to softly rub his chest as it heaved up and down slowly.

The first sign of trouble was when the soft snoring stopped suddenly and he turned his head swiftly to look down at what was nestling under his arm. While he did this, I knew I had made a mistake and I had up to 20 seconds as Hubby required some questions to be answered mentally before gaining back his reality- Where am i? Who is this? What year are we? Has Soyinka been released? Is Abacha dead? Have we gained independence? Have they found Shekau? How did I come to being? What nestles in my arm so? What have I done? Are we alone? Who gave me life? Is this heaven?” And so many other questions I imagine he gets answers to before joining us back on planet earth.

I was aware the answers to these questions would take up to 20-30 seconds in his mind so I resignedly waited for it.

I can’t really explain what happened next or if there was any external assistance or whether he simply wished it in his mind and it happened. All I knew was that like a millipede suddenly hit with salt, my eyes only had time to register the swift Jet Li move Hubby did with the arm where my head was nestled and like a surreal movie, I watched the way my head and whole body was ejected out of those arms I was admiring some seconds back like a cracked CD in a Blu-ray system. 

I still maintain that the duvet smiled at me when my fallen butt joined it, right on the floor where I’d thrown it earlier in the night. And the soft snoring continued. Almost immediately from the bed above. Like it never happened. And I had simply chosen to sleep on the floor, albeit an askew position possible to do by myself.

He still denies ever doing such. Doesn't matter though, I already learned that when it comes to Hubby, a midnight cuddle is as dangerous as a cold bath during the harmattan season. So I just maintain my side and only cuddle during the day when it’s much safer.