WARNING- Why Marriage May Cause You to Lose Friends

Even Monica & Rachael had a fight when Chandler came into the picture

I’m really not the kind of person that makes friends easily with other ladies. I proceed with caution where new friendship is concerned. And whatever existing friendship I already have, I guard jealously. Women are known not to make the most loyal of friends.

It was this sort of guarded friendship I shared with Ayo, a friend I met during the compulsory National Youth Service Orientation in Abuja and grew over the years.

I liked to believe this was due to the fact that we both shared the same goals and ambition in the areas of education and career expectations. We had seemed to be the only ones back then in Abuja that never quite understood the hype ladies placed in getting married and making babies once out of school and done with service. We were genuinely confused as to the low ambitious levels of ladies around us back then. There was just so much we wanted to achieve before walking down the aisle.

Really, what's the rush? We are going to be there for the rest of our lives

Whenever we met at Ceddi Plaza, Southern Fries or any other restaurant within Abuja metropolis, we discussed the business degrees we wanted to acquire and the businesses we hoped to launch and pursue in the near future once done with further learning. Our parents had given us comfortable lives and we wanted to ensure that continued.

We had kept in touch even after she had left the shores of the country to pursue her educational and career goals and remained there. And it was during our usual back and forth exchange of mails that Ayo wanted to know: “I have realized and even here in the States, that married people I thought we were quite cordial seem so standoffish like being married is a prize and they do alienate to doing things with themselves alone and behaving funny towards we single people. What’s up with that babes?”

The question came as no surprise as I had lost touch with some few friends after marriage and I knew some single women who had shared similar complaints about their married friends in the past and lamented on the sheer arrogance of it all. I agreed with her that some women become downright annoying and judgmental the minute they become married. And I explained to her that some of these women grew up in environments and societies that had repeatedly told them marriage and child bearing were the highest achievements a woman is expected to attain and without it, they would remain unaccomplished and un-celebrated.

Thus, when such women finally end up with a ring on their finger, their attitudes could be compared to that of extremely successful people because for them, marriage defines success and they have achieved it. So if they have friends that have not achieved that level of success which they have achieved, they will turn up their “successful” noses at the rest of their “unsuccessful” friends yet to achieve the marital and “motherhood” status.

In Nigeria especially, it's not just to get married, you must yield fruit after 9 months otherwise it's the woman's fault. 

However, the reason most married women lose their single friends go way beyond what a lot of people have assumed to be true.

SPOUSES SEVERE RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN WOMEN- This may seem impossible but some spouses ensure their wives severe relationships with some friends who they believe may be bad influences. This is however more common with men who are domineering and rather insecure. In some cases, these single friends may genuinely be bad influences whose traits the married woman may already be exhibiting in her matrimonial home. This is however rare. Rather, most often than not, the major reasons husbands try to severe such relationships is because:

a) The single friend’s got s**t on him and he is most uncomfortable knowing his wife is friends with someone who has dirt on him. Dirt in this case could mean she knows someone he is secretly dating or she may have been the one he used to date secretly even while with his wife but he is no longer dating her. Or he has been trying to get back into her once generous pants but she isn’t returning his advances. Men usually want to cut their wives from such single friends as it makes them feel less guilty having their indiscretion so close to home. So as a married woman, if your spouse is trying to severe your relationship from a friend who is not a bad person, you may want to look deeper as most men that fall under the category of friendship-severer usually have something to hide.

SINGLE WOMEN UNCONSCIOUSLY STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY "FEEL" THEY ARE NO LONGER A PRIORITY – This usually occurs especially among friends that are more than two in a clique and more than one of them is married. The remaining single woman/women in this clique believe(s) the married ones will start judging now that they have gotten married. As a result of this assumption, many single women create a gap between their married friends and themselves to avoid being judged.

MARRIED WOMEN FEEL THEY MAY BE BORING TO THEIR SINGLE FRIENDS- I mean let’s face it, what gist can a married woman possibly have with her single friend that won’t have the phrase “my husband” , “my mum-in-law”, “the nanny is wicked” or “my baby” repeated more than 900 times within two sentences? Most married women, except where very extrovertish and not really much of a home maker, usually believe they have nothing new or interesting to share with their friends and most times, avoid getting together so they don’t seem to have a boring life now that they are married while beefing from afar.

MARRIED WOMEN RESENT SINGLE WOMEN’S FREEDOM- Sorry ladies, its true! Yup, I said it. No, resentment does not imply we are wishing we were single again. Far from it! Chances however abound that you probably have more interesting DP’s to share on Facebook, BBM and Instagram while the only pictures married women may manage to have and share is the baby bump they have shown their single friends a million times, the new haircut of the baby, the baby’s first tooth, the husband in the car taking a selfie he was forced to take with wifey, grandma holding the baby which only looks adorable to us and nobody else, the “look, mummy no hands” images of baby’s first walk, the pre-pregnancy pictures that in Nigeria, we only dare to share after delivery, the new walker we got for the baby, Hubby’s birthday cake and other humdrum dumdrum that shows our primary life is now centered around our family- husband and children. And there you are, in all your single gorgeous blazing glory on the strong arms of Idris Elba’s look alike *drooling*, flashy gowns which yeah, we think is too short and “why are your legs and arms so toned and perfect” we hate you!), perfect eyebrows, coming back from the late night shows with hotter friends you have replaced us with, late night movies with some unbelievably gorgeous friends and other annoying envious stuff we now hate you for. To think the last club and night outing we attended was our Hubby's distant uncle's late dad's burial. Sorry, but until you start sharing those same-ol images of you in sweat pants and slaving away for your six kids and overgrown hubby baby like we do, we are going to continue hating!

DIFFERENT GOALS, DIFFERENT PRIORITIES- Fact remains that a married woman’s goal totally differs from a single woman's goal. Married women that are able to maintain status quo with single friends are either married to men who do not stay in the same location with them giving the women more time to be with single friends, or there are no kids yet hence the freedom to still act single. However, a married woman in Nigeria with kids have several external circumstances that prevent deep cultivation of a relationship with friends that are still single. Her priorities become her spouse, her children, her spouse’s family, her work and her children’s lifestyle, hoping against all that they don't grow to tell her 'I was born a human but I really feel like I am meant to be a sheep instead". The little free time she has left, she will rather prefer to sleep or hide in Guangzhou, away from where her spouse and children can ever locate her than hang out with friends.

And this goes vice versa. Men also lose friends after marriage. Once married, your overall goal changes. Things happen, circumstances occur and priorities change. Some are deliberate but truth is most are not.

I mean, If I hang out with a group of friends- both single, the single ladies will most likely want to talk about the number of guys on their cases, the latest aso-ebi style, how expensive Bisi’s wedding was despite the shortage of semo and moin moin, teach one another the latest dance moves and maybe even throw a very fake "how's your baby and husband na?" greeting just to show they still care somehow.

While the less than 4 years married Mummy Kami in the group may simply be trying so hard not to yawn but check her phone for the 17th time to see whether Daddy Kami has called and if he is already on his way home so she can bring out the vegetable and fish stew from the freezer, hoping he won’t notice the stew is now salty though. And in another corner of the living room where the young MummyMofe is sitted trying to forcefully breastfeed cranky Mofe, she may be wondering whether anyone else had told Bimpe who just gave birth to cut down on the cold water so her tummy can look less like a 7 months pregnant woman with twins. 

And just in the very shaded corner of the room cut away from the rowdiness of it all, I will be sitted close to the door wondering when I could sneak out and if I should just come outright and tell Bukky to really shut up about the color of her new born's poop, and silently hoping Hubby will get home and just take Golden-Morn as I was not ready to prepare any fresh meal.

I mean, depending on which side you are on, do you really give a flying saucer about all other unnecessary information that isn't yours?

Kpsheew