What If I had Married Dino Melaye?

2 days ago, we woke up to news that a so called distinguished senator in the Nigerian senate had threatened Remi Tinubu, a female senator and wife of the infamous Yoruba land warrior,the Asiwaju of Asiwajus, the great Lion of Bourdillon, the undisputed Jagaban of the West, Bola Ahmed Tinubu, with rape and physical harm.

Ori bobo Melaye yii ti yi o 

According to Sahara Reporters, his exact words were “Look this is not Bourdillon (the Lagos residence of Mrs. Tinubu’s politician husband, APC National Leader Ahmed Bola Tinubu). I will beat you up...impregnate you and nothing will happen.”

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Like the strong feminist or even human being that I am, I took to my social media handles to condemn the statement, advising her husband and other APC senators not to take it likely.

The statement and counter statements in the press made me start to think about Dino Melaye’s ex, the current wife that dared to marry a man accused of violence in marriage but is now facing same violence, and the many other women that probably dodged the marriage bullet that is Dino Melaye.

Hubby had repeatedly asked me this question over and over again, ‘why did you choose to marry me?”

And for every time he had asked that question, I’ve never been able to give him the exact answer he might probably have been hoping to hear. This is not because I don’t know but simply because the reasons are so many that I’ve never been able to put into exact words why I chose to marry someone that is like the total contrast to me.

However, despite not having words to explain why it was him and not Denzel Washington, Idris Elba, RMD or God forbid, the Dino Melayes’ that were in the pipeline back then, I always get reminded why I chose him every time we had a fight.

Hubby has a trait that is an overall blessing for me as his spouse and well, other piss takers- he doesn’t know how to keep malice nor stay angry for long.

I don’t know how he does it but keeping grudges is for him, very impossible. I have had cases where he comes home very upset because a friend or group of persons had pissed him off and being my passionate self, I would get angry along with him to show my support and solidarity.

Hubby: *walks into the house vividly upset and fuming* Can you freaking imagine? They said *********. Who f****ing does that?
Me: He/She is crazy. Gbogbo won ti ya were. Who do they think they are? Shebi I told you that ******* (I’m a loyalist to the core. When you hurt mine, I’m hurt as well)

Me: *visits Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Yahoo, Hotmail, Hi5, BB,MySpace and blocks the person(s) from all my pages for getting my boo pissed off*
Hubby: *coming out of the room same day and laughing as he ends a call* I’m going out this evening dear
Me: Oh ok. Where?
Hubby: Myself and ***** and ***** want to hang out for a drink. Then from there get to ****’s house.
Me: *pauses the TV and gently puts baby on the floor in confusion* I don’t understand. Ko ye mi. Are those not the people we are fighting with?
Hubby: Oh yeah, we've sorted it out. We've ended it. So they are taking me out for a drink.
Me: * lost for words and things to say and looks at the phone where I just blocked these people & back at the annoyingly gregarious and forgiving-at-heart Boo*
Me: *What kind of husband is this nitori olorun? Someone cannot even initiate war on his behalf*

Someone cannot even slap soldier on his behalf.

Me?

Hian! I can stay angry for decades. All I need to do is come across anything that will remind me of what got me angry in the first place to renew the anger for another calendar year.

And malice? Puleeeeze, I went to a boarding school. Keeping malice was part of a boarding school’s curriculum.

Which explains the contrast in character. While Hubby is swift to forgive, in fact he can’t stay angry for more than a few hours, I on the other hand, can take centuries to even think of revisiting what got me angry in the first place not to talk of forgiving.

Forgiving may happen after my future last child last born’s graduation, but forgetting is not of this world.

In the early stage of our relationship, Hubby and I laid down some rules and guidelines that we both had to follow during a fight. We are both strong-willed and hot-tempered so we envisaged that there will be lots of argument. And since we each still wanted to be the partner that will raise the other’s blood pressure for a long time, we decided to introduce some civility into our forecasted quarrels.

1) No name calling.
2) No swearing. (This has actually now been overtaken by events as we now both can’t get though a sentence without at least saying "wtf". Iz kuku the economy)
3) No abuse.
4) No sarcasm. (This was for me specifically. The angrier i am, the greater my sarcasm)
5) No saying “it’s over, I’m done” because of a fight.
6) No reporting to another party.
7) No recalling of past deeds in new fights. Treat every fight as a fresh one.

8) It's not what you say but how you say it so language usage and agbekale oro is key.
9) No dropping of calls on the other party in anger.
10) No walking out on the other person.
11) No eating out of the house or refusing to eat because one is angry(it's only in my home that Hubby will be upset but i will still get to cook 3 times daily)
12) No sleeping out of the room or from the house because of a fight.
13) Only one person can be angry during a fight. The other has to remain calm.

Suffice to say that these rules helped put civility in our fights. In fact, with these rules, only very few people could tell when we were fighting as it was usually a very hilarious few days after we’ve had one fight or the other.

Us before a fight. Insert any yori yori or Adekule Gold's song here 

US BEFORE A FIGHT-
Me: *slight back rub* Morning Baby
Hubby: Morning dear
Me: Have a nice day darling. Love you
Hubby: Love you too
Me: Shey you will eat potatoes and sauce this evening?
Hubby: Bless you dear. Yes I will.
Me: Hey, welcome hon!
Hubby: Thanks my love
Me: Nanite baby *kisses*
Hubby: Nite hon

#yimu

US DURING A FIGHT
Me: *calls his sunaah name in a loud voice while standing close to the door* Come and move your car. I’m going
Hubby: *climbs out of bed silently with a stony face*
Me: *drives out of the compound without a sound*
Me after work: Good evening
Hubby: *slightly stony face* Evening. I bought bread and milk and eggs for the house
Me: *yimu accompanied by a smirk*. Thanks
Me: *enters the kitchen and prepares whatever I gaddem want to prepare. Iyalaya anybody that will not eat it*
Hubby: Thank you
Me: *Carries baby and enters the room silently. It's a global knowledge that when a woman fights with her spouse, the baby/kids automatically become the best friend(s) and most trusted confidant(s) during the duration of fight. *
Hubby: *climbs into bed and turns to the other side after putting a throw pillow in between*
Me: *already snoring while thinking "you flatter yourself"*

Awwwn my soulmate. Insert any Celine Dion's track here

DAYS AFTER THE FIGHT
Hubby: Morning Dear
Me: Morning you
Hubby: You didn’t sleep well. What happened?
Me: *playing to the gallery as I always do this whenever we fight*. I have this pain in my back and neck and head *desperately searching for all the sympathy I could lay my hands on*
Hubby: Pele, shey you will go to the hospital?
Me: No need. I will manage. Thanks dear
Hubby: Or do you want to call in sick and I should stay with you?
Me: No need. Thanks dear. Shey you will eat stir fried noodles with diced eggs tonight?
Hubby: *has a goofy smile on face that foodies generally have when asked anything related to food* Thanks love. I’ll appreciate.

And that was how Fight 25 in year 2016 was completed and closed.

Oya movie has ended

Because of the rules we had set, the only way we could express our anger was usually through stony silences, subtle attitudes and reduced selflessness (mostly from me. Hubby can still comfortably be polite and kind to his enemy even during/after a major fight).
Which was why when Hubby and I had a fight some days back, the usual pattern played out. But ironically, not cooking because of a fight was never something I ever did. So it was to my surprise when on this evening after work after attending to my daughter, I wanted to go into the kitchen to start preparing dinner and who would I find occupying my small kitchen space but Hubby.

Struggling trying to boil some plantain.

The last image I saw before I hurriedly stepped out of the kitchen to have a well-deserved laugh was of him adding a spoon of salt to the plantain he had just soaked added to a pot half filled with water. He even looked very professional as he tried to gauge if a spoon of salt was okay for the number of plantains he was boiling or if he needed to add more.

Wait, did he just taste the water to see if the salt was enough?

Ninu ogede sise? That literarily killed me.

Who is this guy? Lmaoo 

Nah, if I need this guy to survive long enough to carry his great grandchildren, he must never boil plantain in this house again.

The fights will definitely continue. But I will continue to do the cooking.

Shall We Address The Elephants in The Room Please?

Some people claim to know the type of person I am. Some people consider me weird, aloof, prim, snobbish. Others just conclude that “baby yii o fi gbogbo ara gbadun”.

They are all right.

This post is actually a very deliberate and lazy attempt to avoid completing the many blog/article drafts and unpublished works in my humongous archive. So I just decided to revive this blog with random cold hard facts about me that many don’t know. And because I hate small talks, I will just leave this here.

1) I am core sapiosexual. (Yeah good looks, dressing and great cologne may faze me for some delirious seconds but raw brilliance and intelligence kills it for me).

2) I love quick wit, sarcastic and intelligent humor. (I like it when a joke is shared and only the smart ones among us are laughing hysterically and people like Abraham the Great and KRO are still saying “I don’t get it” 27 years later)

3) I’m an exceedingly skeptical person. (E go tey before person go fit dupe me)

4) I enjoy roasting friends and I enjoy being roasted as well. I love yabs die.

5) I am a very quiet person.

6) I’m not quiet because I’m shy. I’m quiet because I hate small talks and meaningless discussions and conversations.

7) I’m not money driven but I’m ambitious, calculating and will not indulge too long in activities that won’t increase my monetary worth at any point in time.

8) I dislike people with the entitlement mentality.

9) My daughter has me wrapped around her pudgy little fingers. I have disciplined other people’s babies but I don’t even have the heart to refuse her from spoiling my books and glasses. (“E file, omode nii. I can always replace the books and glasses. She is still growing”)

10) I detest too much strategic planning and analysis. Most often than not, it cripples actual activities. I have seen too many of this first hand.

11) I loathe people who call and spend the first one minute asking after my health, family, dead relatives and living friends they’ve never met.

12) A caller has less than 15 seconds to hold my interest.

13) At times, I end calls abruptly if the call is irrelevant and not getting straight to the point.

14) I deliberately ignore a lot of calls, especially when I’m eating something quite pepperish(as per serious Yoruba geh) or when Idris Elba or Michael Ealy walks past my screen on topless jeans(oh my!).

15) I love night life. But I’m a blind bat at night.

16) It takes less than 20 seconds for me to know if a candidate will make it to the second stage of interview or not (I’m a part recruitment consultant by the way. Trust me, you want me in the room when you want to hire the best hands. Sieving out bo-bo resume yarns and getting the actual talents is my calling)

17) I still don’t know how to properly respond to “Tell me about yourself”.(Not sure if to start with "Beans gives me too much gas" or "My great grandparents were originally from Oyo town before migrating to Ogbomosho” or “I still don't know how to make ewedu like that" or "I had a boss I once crushed on")

18) I miss having lots of admirers.(Kpsheew)

19) I am a family person.

20) I’m a foodie. I will rather be broke with millions worth of food at home.

21) I still don’t know how to initiate a move (I’m hoping only few people will get this)

22) I am very thick skinned but quite emotional

23) I read a lot and listen to lots of inspirational speeches.

24) I have a huge encyclopedia of viable ideas. (Damaroy can testify)

Teju now, you can't be coming up with these fifty fifty naira ideas. CTRL DEL

25) I hate hearing too many jargons, especially in meetings. (Except in a meeting or an interview where everyone present will understand the things being said and belong in the same jargon caucus, I believe a lot of people bandy them around just to show off)

26) I am extremely hot-tempered and impatient. I will make a bad-ass CEO.

27) I really wish I could meet Richard Branson and Otunba Mike Adenuga in person (I heard Otunba has the freshest skin in the world. I need to know the cream and soap he uses)

28) I can spend countless hours doing nothing but thinking.

29) I rarely give promises.

30) i hate it when I see words with incorrect Usage of UPPERCASES and lower CASES.

31) I’m a core romantic. I love soapy and mushy mushy things.

32) I LOVE the fact that I’m in my very early 30s and I am enjoying getting older.

33) The older I get, the blunter and more straightforward I have become. (as in, mo raan iyalaya anybody. I will say it as it is)

34) I’m a very smooth talker. (Forget o. My bobo skills is on a PHD level. Let’s sha thank God I found Christ)

35) I never stop Googling things. (“Dear Google, how can I remove the number before each sentence on a Microsoft word?” ) I’m a very polite Googler too.

36) I seek perfection in everything I do.

37) I’m a tough leader.

38) Sob stories don’t move me. (Hian, me sef scammer)

39) I’m a neat freak. (I once had a boss who was thoroughly disgusted by this)

40) I hate shopping especially for clothes.

41) I know more than a lot of people think.

42) I stalk a lot of people on Instagram and Facebook. I can go as far back as their first post/pics.

43) I’m relatively posh. Until I get behind the wheels. Then I take on the mentality and act of an agbero or car smuggler.

44) I believe I married someone that deserves me. (trust me, I have major issues)

45) My greatest fear is embarrassment, rejection and failure.

46) I am willing to make great sacrifices for my family. (no questions asked)

47) I am a huge risk taker.

48) I have a huge collection of books, songs & movies.

49) I don’t laugh if a joke is not funny, no matter who cracked it.

50) I am bulls**t intolerant.

51) I’m very good at hiding emotions. (as in very very good, just like a duck)

52) I have a lot of unpublished & uncompleted works (as in a whole lot)

53) I feel my God given talents are writing, counselling and consulting (I have a lot of mental activities ongoing and I’m sure these are the areas my huge successes will come from. Someone should invest in me na)

54) I have suffered great depression in the past and recently (random stuff)

55) I fear nobody.

56) I don’t know how to beg. (I will rather starve to death)

57) I’m the least envious person in the world.

58) I think I may be homophobic (But Empire and HTGAWM is doing a good job diffusing the anger by rubbing it in our faces)

59) I don't get intimidated easily.

60) I don’t like broke people that give birth anyhow (how much is Durex? Do you know how much crèche alone is?)

61) When a still single large mouthed oversabi babe says “married women are just lazy sexually and they stop trying and let themselves go when they marry. As for me o, when I marry, I will still be so hot and sexy for my husband and do the same things I do as a single babe”, there’s a sadist part of me that gets excited when they finally get married and I see the general humility that comes with marriage wahala however temporal. (the evil angel in me gleefully says silently “welcome to marriage reality, ode oshi”)

62) I worry a lot about the future (Fara must not open a bottle of champagne herself o. Her graduation party shall be Queen Elizabeth themed. Only rich people like us with data bundle and dstv will understand this one)

63) I am too arrogant to tell a lie (why should I lie when I can just keep quiet and be omissive?)

64) I’m aware I possess the lying skills of a sociopath

65) I am very aesthetic in nature. I’m attracted to beautiful things-looks, fingers, people, smiles, houses, cars, food, appliances, work space, KPIs, public holidays, neat currencies

66) When I make new acquaintances, I’m drawn to the cologne they have on, nails, teeth and smile- whether male or female

67) I find it unappealing when a man wears no cologne. (You gotta have a signature scent mehn. It’s a freaking powerful aphrodisiac. Thank me later!)

68) I don’t forgive easily. I never even forget at all. (Ask around)

69) I can be a bee when required.

70) My mind is very deep. (As in very deep. I do a lot of internal planning)

71) I’m an unrepentant workaholic

72) I’m very good at recognizing bulls**t when I see or hear it

73) I know when I’m being lied to

74) I'm usually the last person to catch on to anything.

75) You would think no.73 & 74 contradict but they don’t. Refer to no.1

76) I hate meetings that exceed 1 hour. After 15 minutes of esoteric industrial jargons and I still cannot understand half of what is being said, I begin to mentally recap all the movies & series I watched the day before (Cersei Lannister!!! Much respect) and even add ideas on what I will be cooking for dinner and whether I will ever get to meet Jon Snow in real life (his eyes!).

77) I usually walk very fast, and have unknowingly left people behind until they pointed it out to me.

78) I sleep so noisily. (As in, like I must have been born with a blocked nose because I weigh 55KG and a size 8)

79) I would like to write best sellers like Sidney Sheldon’s one day (Hahahahahahahaha, seriously I mean it. Hahahahaha)

80) I’m so sarcastic I try not to speak when I hear dumb things. My sarcasm is on a very ultimate level

81) I have a mouth that can shatter confidence & break happy spirits. (Which is why I keep calm& quiet when I’m angry. My opponents are never a match for what my tongue is capable of)

82) I prefer male friends to female friends

83) I’ve saved, and probably still have, every nylon bag and ice cream container I’ve ever used or bought

84) I’m terrible at throwing things away. (I get emotionally synced to everything I buy for the house. I still have broken spoons and cracked plates I can’t just bring myself to throw in the trash bin. Mum in law came visiting and she was appalled. It's emotions nii. They started from the scratch with me. I can't just replace them na. I’m all for loyalty mehn)

85) I worry too much and a lot about things

86) I have an amazingly good intuition and I’m always right when I trust it.

87) I wish I’d studied Engineering or Medicine. I have the brains to have done either. (I mean, really)

88) I can’t believe you are still reading these. I’m getting bored writing them.

89) I wasn't always intelligent nor brilliant. I used to be in the last 5 in secondary school. {Unserious used to be my middle name. Too many boys chasing me and making me lose concentration and deceiving me. When I saw my school fees in the university, nobody told me to sit back up)

90) I’m thinking 100 things may be too many now that I started this

91) I love the fact I’m a working mom. I love work a lot.

92) I enjoy it immensely when my daughter cries for me when I step out of the room (Awwwwwn, someone loves me that much. Though I pretend and say “ahn ahn stop na let mummy/aunty/daddy carry you”. In my mind I’m like “go girl, keep at it. Make it louder. I can’t hear you again from the kitchen again o. Cry louder na”. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing someone needs to see you to remain happy. And boo will say he loves me o, yet he has never cried when I’m leaving a room)

93) Being married is fun but I sometimes wonder how single-hood would have been. I still grumble when I’m going home after work each day because I know it is essential that I ask olori ebi “what will you like for dinner” and he always responds with “what are my options”. ( I hate that question more than #25)

94) I’m stopping here. I have too many deliverable I have not submitted at work.

95) I genuinely and deeply miss Sim Shagaya.

7 Annoying Types of Online Shoppers in Naija

I love my job and the industry it belongs.

As in, really.

It's fun being part of something new in this part of the world and witnessing the disruptive innovation it brings with it. I particularly enjoy the pleasure of people assuming I earn up to 2M per month (wouldn't that be awesome!). It’s fun to see people accord you some respect when you say “I work with xxxxx”.

I like it.

Not that I like giving false appearances, far from it. But I must say I enjoy seeing assumption pay me positively especially when people have already judged me when they sight me on a Monday morning looking very business casual(closer to casual than business) or when I’m seated at some place and my quietness and need to be alone is mistaken for stupidity. The surprised respect that comes along after some few technology gibberish, I relish enormously.






I have to admit though, I do that deliberately at times. I like bringing uppity people down a notch, so I reel out some esoteric business and technical words to confuse them. And some are too proud to even bother to ask you to explain but you know that what you just said, they will be asking Google as soon as you leave there

I like that too.

Despite the fact that I am aware that humans in Nigeria are unique little SKUs, as soon as they hear that you work for an e-commerce company, a lot of people I come across automatically fall into neat little subcategories and last category.There are the interesting acquaintances who you meet and are just pleasantly interested in learning about where you work without any particular interest in knowing much. But then there are also those human species who upset the delicate relationship that exists between online workers and online shoppers.



1. THE SOCRATES SHOPPER -

Oh, these species of grand noble enquiries, they have loads of questions even your ancestors will not be willing to answer. Oh yes! You will be amazed at the number of questions that roll out of their lips per second. You can bet all your savings that they don’t talk this much when they are calling from an MTN line as they are conscious of the inexplicable billings. As soon as they are introduced to you randomly and somehow find out where you work, the barrage of questions like a newly discovered but broken gallon of oil pours out-

Oh, where is your office? Is it true you guys and xxxxxx are major competitors? I heard you guys now operate a marketplace? A friend of mine said you guys now do free delivery, is it true? What’s the name of your website? Can i get more discount on this PS4 if you speak to your guys? How do I xxxxxx? Can you shop for me when you guys are doing your sales? I will pay you back. Please how can I start xxxxxx? What’s your staff strength? Do you know this guy in Marketing? I used to do some business for you guys. Can I get your Marketing team’s contact? You guys should let me do business for you na.

They never stop and after a while, I just pretend a call comes in and move on to another corner of the room. Some of them are willing to wait to ask more questions.

2. THE JOB SHOPPER

You know them. 

You have at least one or two of them in your friend archives. Once you see their ping, call, chat, you know they are about to ask you if there's now an opening in your office.

Once they get to meet you and they find out where you work, their next sentence or email or text message or phone call begins with “How far now? Are you guys now recruiting?” “Any update?" "I’m still looking for a job o. Can I send you my cv”? The ones I even find really confusing are the ones who lobby for people that do not even know they are being lobbied for or do not in any way qualify for whatever role they might be soliciting for. “My sister is looking for a job. How can you help? She is working at xxxxxx but i don't like the way her boss speaks to her so i want her to leave there. Is there any where you can just help me fix her in your company?’ Oshey! Sir Voltron & Hulk Hogan, hold on, just give me a minute. Let me find out from HR if we have any fixable position no one is using.




3. THE ANGRY FRIEND/SHOPPER- 

They are one of those people you can't remember how you met but they are there in your life and you occasionally share banters once a while. So when they ask for your number one day as they want to make some enquiries about your company, you oblige.

But when you pick the call, you know: ghen ghen, this person is irate. Something horrible has gone wrong, and you hope to God it wasn’t your fault. But he/she is obviously very upset about something that is completely out of your control. “What?? You mean I only have 7 days to return this?? Bukky told me it's 30 days return policy(they always, always have a name of someone they spoke to on the phone and can quote you verbatim including what you never said at times) And it needs to be in the perfect condition it came?! You don’t understand, I am a very important customer o! Can you connect me to a decision maker or manager!” This probably isn’t a good time to tell him/her that you are the decision maker for that kind of issue.



4. THE LITIGATION EXPERT SHOPPER
Aaaaargh, someone introduced you to the person because they had been seriously scouting for someone in your company they could directly relate with.

And that day, you happened to be the scapegoat. 

Lawyer trouble has a knack for asking the type of questions that probably weren’t even covered in our policy manual, and definitely not in any of our customer handling sessions. She’s a lawyer in real life, and she’s trying to practice her lawyerly skills on you and for every new product or order she makes, she reaches out to you with some complicated law jargons with intent of fishing out the loopholes in our company’s policies. So far they have been unsuccessful but they are usually relentless.

At the end of it all, I’m usually forced to say “Those questions are above my pay grade madam. Pls send me an email and we will take it from there”. Lawyer trouble is always content to wait.




5. "I JUST PLACED AN ORDER, CAN YOU FAST TRACK" SHOPPER"-

These people right here, they love magic. Ok, everyone I personally know that has shopped online in Nigeria is guilty of this. It basically means "use your position and whatever to prioritize my order above every other million orders". Some even go as far as name dropping one or two top bosses. "How's xxxx? Is he in today?" Oga no dey around sir.

When they place an order and remembered that you also work there, they totally disregard the mails and text messages that clearly state and constantly tells them the time duration which to expect their items. As we are used to short-cut here in Nigeria, they see no reason why that can't extend that to their orders as well. 

And because our culture somehow acknowledges the existence of magic or jazz, when they place an order, they subconsciously hope they can get it before the next blink of our eye. (Seriously) So they call you and let you know “I just placed an order. How soon can i get it? I need it so urgently. Can I get it today?” Of course you can! Let me just clear my desk, visit our distribution center that is a distance from my office, jump the queue because I have shares with the company, bully every other order that came before you, have your orders packed and hop into my car with its almost empty tank to deliver to you”.

Or wait, better still, let me call Saka the dispatch to return from wherever he may be making other deliveries, pick up yours and make sure he prioritizes it above others since you know someone within the business.

But because we are officially tired of family members and friends stalking us daily and reducing our productivity level with constant "please na, help me talk to your delivery guys to come to my office now now as i'm going out in 45mins"(shuo!) we now offer same day delivery at a flat rate. Please let us breathe and start using that delivery option. I like the feeling sha when i see such mails as I always feel like a magician. 


6. THE MILE 12 MENTALITY SHOPPER-

These ones don’t trust anything online and believe everything can still be tweaked, all they need to do is ask. So they ping/buzz/call you to ask how much discount they can get on that product that’s showing N18,350 on the website. 

“Can’t I get it for less? You guys should remove money na. I’m buying up to 5 o”.(They speak with phonee at times) E sir, this is not Kontangora, or Mile 12, or a bazaar. And you are calling from an oil company o. We know your salary sir. With all your tushness, you want to start haggling prices ONLINE. Do you know how mush a domain name is? Do you know how mush it took us to increase our bandwidth? Ahn ahn, how can you be asking upandan online how mush last? You think this is Igando market? Pleez sir, i want bonus this year. Epp me and buy from us sir. No? You still want last price? Check Aleshinloye market in Ibadan sir. They have the type.

7. "PLEASE CANCEL THESE ORDERS I'M NO LONGER INTERESTED" SHOPPER -

There is a special circle in hell reserved for these people. 

After an order has been placed and maybe just one item out of 15 items placed is no longer available or they decided to betray us because someone is selling it for one Naira less on another site, that’s when you will hear them with their unmistakable tush accents.

“Please have the order cancelled, that one item is really why I placed those orders in the first place” . (Haaaa) Or "This site is offering it at xxxxxxx".

E sir, but that's one naira difference sir? Did you say you were calling from xxxx Oil & Gas Company or you are calling from a filling station? And when an item similar to the unavailable item is proposed, they are always quick to reject it.

All in all, I have personally learnt to manage these various familiar shoppers well. Though they are people you personally know to an extent, they invariably let you have an idea what other shoppers you don't know are thinking and their shopping mentality. They are my sort of feedback. I guess dealing with them effectively comes with time and patience in the long run.

But with the mentality I've been seeing so far about online shopping, we've got a long way to go in this country. No doubt.

My Late Night Experience as a Married Woman

There’s nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise. When women get married, we automatically adorn the cloak of righteousness, especially with what happened to me some weeks back.

Right from my hay days, everyone around me knew I never joked with my sleeping time for any reason whatsoever. This is not for any health reason nor for beauty care purposes, I have just always been that person that woke in the morning and already looked forward to hitting my bed later that night.

I rarely distort my sleep pattern. I have cancelled dates/events because somewhere in my subconscious, I had realized it may eat into my sleeping time. Hence if I made plans of any kind that extended to 9pm, i already knew it was never going to happen. Which is why I laugh when I hear ‘Can I call you around 9:00pm when you will be home already?”. After lol-ing in my mind, I of course say "yes". But by then, sleep would have won the battle. 

Haaa oh fairest sleep! Nothing else matters, nothing!

Unashamedly, that’s me and that’s why I don’t do night parties or worse still, night clubbing.

For where! I avoid it like a plague. Not because of the loud music nor the dark roads, but just the mere thought that I would have to give up precious sleeping hours to be dancing all night was inconceivable. I remembered vividly following a dear friend to a bubbling club at GRA Ikeja back then with the hope that I would dance all night long and enjoy the night out.

Nibo! Once it was getting to 9pm, I was already yawning. By 10pm or some minutes past, I found my way to an empty sofa inside the club and promptly dozed off. The next time I woke was 4am. Suffice to say this friend never extended any day or night outing invitation to me again.

Like i care! Lemme sleep jare

Apart from getting really bored easily once I have achieved the objective of any outing, I’m not an alcohol taker so anything that will keep me glued to a position or location for more than 2 hours must either be bringing in money or I’m being held at gun point or Hubby's commanding stare or voice is holding me down.

Once I 'm somewhere and I have eaten, drank what's consumable and ensured the party host has sighted me, na go be that o. I'll start itching to leave and get back to that awesome settee in my living room or my own side of the bed.

No, I am not an introvert neither am I shy. I'm not even a very quiet person. I can be the life of a party  and give buzz to a boring event but most often than not, I just want to be alone in my own space and plan how to take over the world with my many business ideas.

Which business idea should i start first now? Show me the way

At this point, those that are familiar with Hubby are wondering “What in God’s name was the attraction between you both?” My people, na so we see am o.‎ Anyway, despite all these, Hubby tried as much as he could to ensure he included me in all his outings and 2 weeks back, he was able to get me to hang out with him at night. I can’t even remember our first point of call but we ended up at Rhapsody at Ikeja.

That was where I added few grey hairs to my head and other places with what I saw.

As soon as we got in, which was a struggle due to the jam-packed room, my eyes did a survey around the room and I suddenly felt overdressed in my modest top and jeans. We were able to get a seat towards the back of the room and once I sat and looked around, I just kept praying “Dear God, I came here with a Boo. Please let him go back home with me”. Even the Boo was not helping matters at all because he kept looking around the club like he just regained his lost sight after many years. I was just happy he recognized me when his eyes found its way back to me, even though it was brief. And in my mind, I consoled myself, “you have kuku collected bride price and no return policy.”

As I scouted round the room as so many stunning ladies danced(more like twisted) to this Rihanna’s latest track “twerk twerk twerk twerk twerk, see me ya de na na na na na, yummy dumy da da da da da, dumi mumi na na na na na na”, and I watched all those illegal dance moves, all that kept going on in my head as I looked from one hot babe to another are:‎

“Ha, you will not find a husband like thaaat”

“You tink that’s how I met my own Hubby”

"Is this what they are teaching you in school?"

“See this one, you think he will marry you with what you are wearing?”

“Ha, he will not marry you with the way you are dancing ke”

"Dancing cannot keep a man o. You better stop shaking"

“What is this one wearing? You tink that’s how to find a husband?’

“Ha, he just wants to use you and dump you o this one you are letting him grab you”

“Ha, hmmm I pity you with this boy o. He will just sleep with you and dump you”

“Ha, no man will want to take you home”

“Ha, see what this one is wearing. Does your mummy know where you are”

“Look at this one, this boy will just use you anyhow”

“You this small girl, I pity your parents. This boy will just do you anyhow”

“Anu omo yii ma shey mi o. This boy just wants to Netflix & chill”.
In that club, I became my mum and all my aunties rolled into one and even a little bit of my grandmother. 

I pity you. Be twerking you hear.

I had to refrain myself from shaking my head as I looked at each dancing and very fine chic. I hated their scantily clad bodies and for making me feel so old. I glared at my own Boo. He won’t even let me wear a see through blouse on a normal day!

Who approved this Rihanna song sef?

And as they twerked some more with some closer to my Boo as I eyed them from my corner eye, I considered whispering into his ears “Do you still love me even though I can’t twerk like that? Am I still beautiful in your eyes? Will you still go home with me tonight? Please don’t dump me for any of these silly near naked hot girls. I will cook your favorite dish if you come back home with me. or do you want my ATM card?”

Collect my ATM card na. Please don't leave me. They won't make you happy

Apparently, Hubby was more interested in seeing his own wife twerk as he tried to get me to stand and dance with him, in my very dead jeans and now too loose blouse. Even the waitresses were even more scantily clad than I was. But knowing I would just disgrace myself among these fine girls and just show off what should remain hidden- my very outdated dance steps like creep walking, shaba and butterfly moves, I just smiled and gestured with my hands as if to say “don’t worry, so long as you are dancing alone, keep dancing and I will be watching you to see if there’s any second wife in this club”.

Will you cover yasef properly and stop twerking in front of my Boo

At that club that night, despite the funny scenarios, it hit me that my judgmental state was incongruous to my personal character. I didn’t want to but the maternal/nurturing/marital instinct kicked off. Despite my acclaimed independent lady syndrome bla bla bla, that night, only my married brain was with me. It became clearer to me why women lose touch with single friends once they get married. It’s not being snobbish but just that another part of your brain opens and totally dominates. The maternal/wifey cloaks automatically come on. You start thinking differently. I once wrote that it was near impossible to maintain a single status state of mind when being married or a married state of mind when single. There are some things one side will never understand until they are on the same side.

That’s why you will hardly find married women in clubs or late parties. Apart from supposedly having fun, we go there to judge every woman, holding the invisible justice wand and passing unsolicited judgment. It’s just really inevitable.

I need to learn twerking though. I want to be the first wife that can twerk very well, particularly in public. I want Hubby to start being the one eyeing all the other fine dudes around me.


N:B- Boo & Hubby are one and the same.

I’m Married But I’m About to Cheat…..

This post is not intended to be a ‘Dear Aunty” post requiring advice or soliciting for people to try and dissuade the person involved. Neither is it a warning to treat underlying issues so as to avoid the next intended line of action.

I know this because when I spoke to the mutterer of this statement, she wasn’t asking for my permission neither was she asking to be advised. On the contrary, and considering I was very familiar with a resolute mind when I came across one, when I was seated across her and she uttered this statement after taking a sip of the glass of Pina Colada with a whisper of Rum in front of her, I knew the only thing I could ask for that may elicit an agreement was “Can I post on my blog and I won’t reveal your name?”

I wasn’t surprised when she smiled and said “Of course!” with a whiter than ever grin that I had always secretly envied and liked, even as a woman.

Nope, not her..

I deliberately lost touch with Ibukun (not real name) about 6 years back and I had tried my best to ensure we didn’t stay in touch. My decision was not based on Ibukun being a bad friend nor someone to be avoided at all costs due to bad habits.

Rather, I had to gradually phase out the friendship because without trying, Ibukun had the most influencing spirit around her. She was the kind of woman who didn’t need to try so hard to get people to agree to whatever she may be talking about or doing. She was so good at using the Socrates system of questioning to get anyone on her side. On several occasions, I’d found myself berating myself in private for agreeing with her on situations that go against my beliefs- behavioral or even political.

All she had to do was tilt her head to one side, smile lopsidedly and begin with “Why” then move gradually to “how”, “shouldn’t you”, “don’t you think”, And finally, "so you will agree with me that...".

I’ve been trying to remember when I was able to successfully disagree on her stance and had her concede. But it’s either my memory was so bad or she had always come out victorious. If I were a man, I’d say “She’s always had me by the balls”

It wasn’t just the looks and mien (another topic for another blog post). It was because Ibukun was a very good girl. In a very bad way, a femme fatale even for a woman like myself, and without seeming to try. She had that from the first day I met her till the last time I saw her and she probably will still have it when I get to meet her again, few weeks from today.

And by our next meeting date and if her stance from last week remains the same, she would have initiated her first phase of infidelity.

As a woman who had been blessed with a superior sense of objectivity at a very early age, I was able to acknowledge on time and after some few hang outs that Ibukun was a rare breed and a combination of what I always secretly wanted to dare to be. Where I aspired to be, she was there years before I got there – both financially, educationally and career wise.

Yes, few years back, I was a little envious of her achievements, career and oh yes, looks. So when she moved briefly to the States to further her education and career, I conveniently lost touch but kept her on my social media platforms. And occasionally when I got to see some pictures that made me want to question my achievements, either the newly acquired degrees or the fact that she lived in one of the most beautiful apartments in Los Angeles, I would quickly scroll past.

So on Valentine’s Day, when I saw a missed call with a number that looked like a specially requested digits, I was sure it was an authority figure. So I called back and after 3 rings, Ibukun picked up.

And just like that, she came back. Into my life, with a bang, in a blaze of regality and the ever influencing mien.

And with an admission rarely uttered in this part of the world.

(To be cont’d)

This Post on Haggling Has No Title

My mum is a pro when it comes to haggling. Wherever she shopped, I had no doubt that she got the best offer available. She can haggle a great offer with anyone for any reason. And because she took me with her to most of the markets, I learned a lot about haggling/negotiating as I grew. It could be buying meat from the local market woman or haggling for the repair of the kitchen faucet from the plumber or the repair of the furniture from the carpenter or even negotiating on a service with a friend, my mum always ended up getting the best offer and she ensured I witnessed all this.

Fast forward to the present, haggling is one of my expertise, and trust me when I say it’s not because I am being cheap. I simply understand that in life, for everything to go smoothly, we have to disagree to agree. Unfortunately, the art of haggling is something a lot of Nigerians are uncomfortable with at best, and often try to avoid entirely as they consider it a status "thing" to be able to meet the initial offer/price mentioned. Not me sha.

Where I’m concerned, the need to haggle no matter how fair the initial offer had been is innate. In fact my mind is so conditioned to “price market” that the minute someone mentions their offer, my brain is automatically conditioned to say “ahn ahn why is it that expensive now?” or “Can’t I get a better offer than this?”

I believe the problem (if you choose to see it that way) began when my mum sent me to help her get some tomatoes worth sixty naira from the nearby market with fifty naira. Despite being apprehensive that the market women were going to beat me blue black, I heeded my mother’s instructions and proceeded to the market. And to my shock, the market women eagerly sold three cans of tomatoes for fifty naira. That move encouraged me to begin haggling- whether when buying products or seeking some services.

To further put my haggling practice into perfection, sometime in the early 2000 when I was a teenager, I escaped being lynched in Oshodi when I attempted to price a very expensive material I wanted to use for my birthday from 4600 naira to 800 naira. (I’m not exaggerating). Armed with the notion I got from people that Igbo traders multiply the product’s real price by four, I confidently faced an Igbo store owner and slashed her final asking price to eight hundred naira. She must have concluded I wasn’t going to buy the material (I would actually have bought it if she had agreed to my offer of 800 naira) and she started shouting and calling other shop owners around her to come and witness what she is witnessing today o. God must have intervened on that day as I thought someone was going to bring out petrol and tyre the way they all turned to me and lambasted my actions. 

Don’t blame me. I learned from the best.

I once visited a major market with my mum and I witnessed as she haggled the price of a very huge catfish such that the fish seller was left quite speechless and all she could say was “Mummy, e mu eja yen le. Boya ti e ba suun si waju, won ma ta fun yin ni iye yen”(Mummy, put that fish down. Maybe if you move forward a bit, other sellers may sell to you at that price)At this point, she even pointed to somewhere unclear and went back to her seat totally ignoring us from then. From that day, I ensured my mum and I do not visit the market together.

Recently, I even attempted to update my haggling tactics when I attempted to negotiate the cost of the total bill incurred during my daughter’s delivery. The extremely well-traveled doctor had a look of shock when I suggested how much we were willing to pay and like someone chastising an errant and dumb child, proceeded to explain why it was impossible to even remove one naira, especially in the kind of tush environment I had dared to try. I even saw the look of embarrassment hubby had when I proceeded to expose my ratchet haggling attitude in the posh doctor’s office. 

But here’s a truth that many of us don’t always consider: every interaction we have with another person is a form of haggling. From negotiating with your lover on having them come and pick you from work if they want you to sleep over, choosing that dark Yoruba demon among the numerous inter-tribal suitors you have, negotiating that salary plus vacation wages with the prospective employer you are looking to join, to being able to successfully reduce the price of that new DVD from that Igbo trader, we are navigating a in a world of back and forth negotiation and the better you are at influencing, persuading and negotiating towards getting the best out of people, the better you will be for it. I recently witnessed a sweet tongued friend of mine negotiate with a new employer an annual salary that was quadruple of what she was earning in her previous place of work. And she succeeded just because she dared and didn’t just accept what she was offered.

If you simply accept whatever people offer you without questioning, you will always have no choice than to take what’s given to you and hope that it matches what you want. Most times, it usually doesn’t.

Your boss wants you to work this weekend, how about negotiating to close early on Friday so you can finish up all your house chores on time to come early the next day? Your spouse wants pounded yam after work, how about negotiating to have him look after the kids for the rest of the night and also help in changing the front wheels of your car? Someone is asking for a certain sum of money as loan, how about negotiating a capital NO? Your son/daughter has tabled the bill for dic, tion and nary which they need to buy urgently before school resumes, how about negotiating to help them purchase the books since you are on your way to the market anyway? He wants to marry you before completion of your education and promises to finance the rest of your schooling after marriage, how about negotiating to have him make the funds available into your personal bank account before you accept the ring or even pay the tuition ahead of time to the school in question?

You see why you need to learn the art of haggling? And where better to start than the local markets particularly those men/women that sell meat, brokoto and fish- eja obokun especially.