Tejflow: Personality Disorder Facts

1) I am very, very, very, very very, very impatient. (This is prominently more visible when I am behind the wheels driving on the streets of Lagos.)

2) I have road rage. (I know all invectives in existence, both native and foreign and I make use of them when driving on Lagos roads. I mean those danfo drivers are lunatics and unworthy to be on any road! And thankfully I haven't cultivated the habit of giving the middle finger when I want to feel posh or when driving on the island or the "waka" when I am in the suburbs)

3) I am an organized freak. (All or nothing)

4) I'm a complete intellectual snob. I don’t even bother to hide it anymore. (So If I call you my friend, then I'm happy to inform you that you passed the test for stupidity sieve)

5) I believe in looking directly into people' eyes when talking to them. (I consider it a cowardly act when talking to someone and you throw furtive darting looks around like a skulking thief.)

6) I am a sucker for extreme intelligence. And to also be able to speak impeccably? (Honey, you had me at Hello!).

7) People with mood swings are interesting to watch and I find them "BIPOLAR"-ically fascinating. (I can't understand the concept of being happy at 9:00am and by 9:13am, you are sad and by 9:35, you are smiling and when it is 10:00am prompt, the witch of Bel-Air or the people pursuing them from their village decide to come out and start the 4th world war. There needs to be a name and some prescriptive pills for such disorder.)

8) I am a Doubting Thomas. Even when the answer is glaring, I must double check. Scepticism has gotten me this far. (This means I usually see the glass as half empty rather than half full and probably the only person that believes it will rain on a wedding day, thunderstorms with unstoppable showers during a naming ceremony, Sand swirls during an outdoor birthday party or that the plane will not take off on time when zombies are approaching the airport.(world war Z tinzzzz)

9) I am unhealthily hot tempered and it scares the s**t outta me what I am capable of doing during these special fits. (But you have to have been extremely special or very stupid to have ever witnessed me in a rage. The outcome is usually not good)

10) I'm not a reward/money only-motivated person at all. (Which probably explains why I do not have up to ten million naira anywhere, whether property or cash. I believe in passion more than reward. Because at the end of the day, when you love what you do so much and put your best in it, the money will smoothly follow. Abeg o, that I wrote ten million is just to form papaz o and not show the level of my brokeness. Shingbai, I no get for account o. If anyone should throw me to the floor, the only metal clang you will hear will either be the sound of my teeth or my waist belt. Shishi, e no dey. Biko)

11) I have no desire to be filthy rich. (More money comes with peculiar problems that never go away if I may say. I just don’t want to have to choose between paying some bills and buying food to eat. I am also aware this opinion may change when I become as rich as Croesus)

12) I hate seeing people dig into their nose to pull out God knows what, or bite their nails. (They are very filthy habits. Cannibals in training is what comes to mind at such sight.

13) I am tough skinned. (That is to say, it is totally worthless shouting at me as I usually become fascinated by the many veins popping out of your face while your eyes turn red and I see smoke coming out of your ears. Isn't that sight just a beauty to behold!...lol)

14) I am a hopeless romantic. (I won’t even bother to go into details the embarrassing things I have done in the name of love. Just believe I can be soapy where love is concerned. Hey, I almost sang to Hubby during our wedding ceremony, but the horror and embarrassing torment he will face from his friends stopped me. And the fact that my bridal train was not willing to watch the embarrassment my voice will cause him, and them.)

15) I get bored easily & very restless if I must say. Needless to say, I am allergic to b**llshit and can develop a convenient amnesia when you are talking and I simply switch on my look of interested attention while I am probably in another planet. (That's why I stopped watching Indian movies. Kilo fa gbogbo iranu yen mehn?)

16) I can’t tolerate spoilt children with bad manners. (It’s really offensive when some kids lack etiquette and basic courtesy. That should be the first training a mother/father should pass on to their offspring, not a green or red passport, or the latest gadget. Crap! When I meet a child, I am not impressed by the accent they have or the beauty of their clothes or whether they school somewhere expensive. Show me manners and courtesy and I am wowed. And what’s with that nonsense of carrying some children and they just start crying/yelling and will not stop until their folks take them back? Oshisco!)

17) I am probably the only human (sometimes I wonder if I am) left on earth that handle pressure extremely well. (I have always been told I look very bright and sharp at the end of a mind sapping day, with some unhidden accusing glares thrown my way and probably suspecting I "weed" out the stress. Far from it. I have simply decided nothing is worth losing my extremely hot and valuable temper over. Absolutely nothing)

18) I have become too arrogant to tell a lie. (For me lying is a sign of weakness so if I lie to you, it means I fear you and the last time I checked, apart from the flying cockroaches and lizards, I fear no one. It takes boldness and confidence to say the truth and you really have to be special for me to lie to you. No one's worth that stress of trying to remember the lies told. No one.)

19) You have five minutes (actually less than five) to make an impression on me. Kindly ensure your diction is impeccable and you better smell real good while yakking away. (Remember the impatience and restlessness mentioned above? Exactly!)

20) Given the opportunity to choose between career and something else, career will take the trophy. Something else will lose. (All the time and uncontested for that matter)

21) I hate ass kissers, butt lickers. (I think it is really disgusting when you do not tell the people that matter the actual state of things. Really, what's the worst that could happen?)

22) If indulged, I have bullying/manipulative tendencies. (Years spent methodically breaking down situations have given me the ability to understand the different perspectives at play and how they can work together or against each other. I try so much to suppress this part. And no point bringing it out really as Hubby already knows this side of me exists so what's the point. He would have been the perfect victim.)

23) And how can I forget that I have an answer for everything (Jeez, the look on hubby's face when I come up with classic come backs is comical. I am sure the poor guy must have shot me a million times in his mind Sometimes, I feel for him...lol)

24) I have a huge & strong sense of loyalty. I am an apostle of loyalty. Peeps rarely have a second chance at hurting me. Truth is I have never been hurt twice. Ever. Once is enough and then off to the gallows (This means I take betrayal & deceit really seriously. And even when everyone has gotten over it, including the person betrayed, I am still indignant and appalled at the audacity.)

25) I believe I am knowledgeable of all around me & smart with ability to deal with any situation whatsoever. Some call it being eclectic. (Was actually just trying to eat the humble pie. I KNOW I am knowledgeable and smart)

26) When I am in an embarrassing situation or very upset, I stammer very badly and my speech becomes slightly impeded. (I speak very articulately and carefully because of this especially when I am upset. The first time Hubby saw this side of me, he almost had a fit and nearly collapsed out of guilt. He tries not to upset me any more though and boy, do I take advantage of it!)

27) I am good at playing politics when the situation calls for it. I believe sometimes it pays to be under estimated. That way people don't see you coming. (I learnt this from Hubby)

28) I have actually doled out tips in the past (This, I also learnt from Hubby. News Flash: He is a very bad influence) even though I don’t believe in tipping. I am of the opinion that, this was how bribery and corruption began, people expecting to be tipped for a service they have already been paid to do.

29) I am saving towards spending a weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel someday. ALONE!!!! (I don’t want anyone dulling my shine when I finally get to meet Idris Elba, Ryan Gosling, Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Reynolds, George Clooney, Channing Tatum, Gerard Butler & Hugh Jackman)

30) When I am speaking with a foreigner, my accent automatically switches between British, American and French. (Don’t I wish!!! Hubby says I simply sound like a confused compact disc player and he is certain the person I am speaking to will be worried that I am about to break out in the Windeck dance)

31) Almost everything in my life either falls under extreme organization or total disarray, no middle-ground. As I grew older, it got worse. (Ironically, I married my exact opposite.)

32) If I hadn't met hubby, I am fairly certain I will not have gotten married any time within the next 10years. (Yup, I cherish my space, freedom and privacy too much.)

33) My level of independence scares me and it will probably take lots of years to depend on someone. ( I take some decisions alone at times before remembering the ring on my finger.)

34) I laugh a lot and find humour in the most mundane things, especially sarcasm. (I am attracted to anything/anyone with a freaking huge sense of humour with plenty dashes of sarcasm here & there. Hubby says I am just a sad person. He hates sarcasm)

35) I used to detest smokers. And that smell, gosh! (Not any more by the way for some reasons best known to me. And nope, I do not smoke).

36) There's no excuse for cheating, really. Which is why I usually find it extremely hilarious when a cheating partner is caught and says “It’s not what you think dear”. Lmaoo (When you are caught, face it squarely joor and be ready to suffer the consequences. Coming up with pitiful lies makes you appear weak & disposable. You can cheat but cannot face the blame? Come on! Ode somebody)

37) I'm not as tough as people think. (I have an extremely mushy soft side that cry during touchy scenes in India films and Titanic and even at times when I am being shouted on.)

38) I am a huge contradiction of myself and I refuse to believe I am confused or slightly schizophrenic...Yaba Left tinzzzz (I am shy but very outgoing, happy in my own company but still need some sort of approval from others sometimes, healthy in some areas and unhealthy in some others, I am quiet yet can be boisterous when need be, I like the concept of entrepreneurship, but I also like the firm structure of a 9-5 career, and so many other contradictory stuffs.)

39) I am an optimist and a pessimist, all rolled up in one. (I believe that the wedding will hold but that it will rain when the couple is about to dance into the venue. I believe that the awards night event will hold but the compère will fall flat on her face while ascending the podium and other unbelievable optimistic yet embedded in pessimism thoughts.)

40) I love difficult tasks. (The more difficult, the more it holds my interest. Challenge accepted!)

41) I love to cook but can't eat it afterwards ( seriously who does that, spend hours cooking and then eating something else afterwards?)

42) I love to read novels, watch movies and listen to music AT THE SAME TIME( maybe it's because I have the attention span of a mosquito.)

43) Any man can be wooed/seduced, no matter the relationship status. Yup, that's the truth.(Just takes the right, or the wrong woman in some certain situations)

44) There is a feminist hidden somewhere in me. (No explanation. I just know.)

45) I don’t like alcohol. There’s no reason for this. I just don’t.

46) I know that my life is going to encounter a series of extremely positive events in the next 36 months. (nope, not a soothsayer but I will simply be reaping from where/what I am currently sowing)

47) I can be self-absorbed and selfish if/when I want/choose to be. “If you are not taking care of yourself, you will definitely not be in a position to help any other person. What you do not have, you can certainly not give”. (Loool. That’s a quote I use whenever I want to justify my selfishness)

I was actually aiming for 50 disorders by the way. But after this surmise, I would leave you to fill in the last 3 qualities you think I may have and then let me know..

Outta here...

Okafor's Law: Giver or Recipient?

Hubby believes Exes should not necessarily be deleted out of one’s life just because a relationship did not work out. He believes in keeping in touch with them all, no matter the level of hurt experienced in the relationship.

Hian! Keep in touch fire!

Me? I am an ardent believer of throwing the baby out with the bath water o, especially if that baby hurt me wella. That is to say, if you hurt me or somehow toy with my heart and still expect me to be on friendly terms with you, you are really sitting on a very long dangerous thing. Suffice to say, I do not have any ex’s contact on my phone. Hubby thinks I need Jesus and the spirit of forgiveness coupled with divine intervention in my life.

Story!

I am aware many people (especially guys) will think I am overreacting but ah, temi yemi o. (I understand my own) People do not seem to understand the hold an ex has over one. I will rather leave Hubby in the room with Kim Kardashian than with an ex that the relationship did not end because they both discovered they are related by blood.

Ko jo mehn!

Time has shown that Okafor’s law will always come to play at the least expected moment. And I discovered that many ladies (except me sha because I do not keep contact with Exes as a rule) has fallen back into Okafor’s dungeon at some point in time, not because they were not smart enough but because they did not give to Caesar what belonged to Caesar. You do not spend so much time with someone and simply think it will just disappear because you started dating someone else. Feelings do not just walk away because you changed the name of your partner. Where intimacy has been shared, feelings do not just dry up because you changed location.

No be like that my sister!

I once had this admirer who tried to date me after he broke up with his girl of over 7 years!!! 7 years??? Am I insane? I out-rightly told him it was never going to happen. 7 years of shared feelings, mixing all the mixable fluids, met all his friends & family, visited all the joints in Lagos with her and he wants me to date him? Habatically! Need I mention he is married to the babe now? Na me someone wan take do toothpick.

Impossicant!

Nobody doubts the "out with the old, in with the new" story where relationships are concerned. However, the law of Okafor simply states that “once access is granted, regardless of "old or new", that license does not expire”.( of course you don't expect me to say the original version, let's not forget my write ups are rated PG)

It has nothing to do with cheating! It has no grounds for moral arguments! It is neither good nor bad! It just simply means that the apple does not forget how to fall to the ground!

Chikena!

Men generally, like to keep the "door open”. They call it "Just In Case" Law. “Yes, we are officially over but I want to stay "friendly" with you ..."JUST IN CASE" i want a booty call one night or just want some, because the new girl is crazy or not giving me enough and she forced herself on me or she even got pregnant and not that I wanted it” ....You know all those excuses they generally come up with and the ones that some women are extremely foolish to fall for over and over again. When it comes to getting some, the average man becomes the best story teller you will ever meet and they always come across to one as being unhappy in their respective relationships. Always!!!

Have you met any Ex of yours recently who seemed unhappy every time he met you? Is his babe/spouse/woman giving him serious issues? Has she changed since he married her? Did she stop having sex because she is now pregnant? Is she now very ugly & fat since she got pregnant? Has he filed for divorce but waiting for the kids to start walking, or start school, or finish University or is the spouse even dying? Is the spouse choosing her job over him? Is the spouse cheating on him?

Does your Ex call you around evening/midnight to whine and complain about all the above? Oh gial, Okafor’s law is about to work on you and you are about to fall for it like a pack of dominoes.

Your Ex is about to use you to welcome the New Year my dear. No story! Simple & short, you are about to become a booty call for a randy Ex.

At times, when I hear the stories these men come up with, I am usually more fascinated than upset. Some little part of me at times usually get impressed. Most men that cheat are always not in happy relationship, haven’t you noticed? Don’t you ever wonder why all their stories are usually the same; ugly wife, fat spouse, cheating wife, spouse having an affair with his friend, spouse not pregnant, spouse cannot cook, spouse cannot dress well, family forced spouse on me, spouse got pregnant so he had to marry her. 

Wetin???? Na only you? 

And some mumu babes will hear all these “tragic love stories” and try to console the guy with their skirts down their legs while moaning and patting him on his back and glad they were "wonder women" that came to the ultimate rescue.

I came across one who actually told me his wife hated sex so much and anytime he wants to sleep with her, she usually cries and it is really creating chaos as he is so hurt and pained and he tried to come up with the most pathetic situations. This is someone whose four children are like a staircase away from each other, two years interval amongst the four children o. I won't even count the number of times they possibly tried before each conception clicked o. Those kids were immaculate conception abi? Ode somebody!

He was speaking to the wrong girl born and bred in Las-Gidi. 

Ladies, you had better wise up & "Close down the candy store”! Shut it down, & do not re-open it!

Most men who had cheated on their spouse/lover/woman sometime in the past did so with an Ex they came in contact with again and thought it would be okay to stay friends with benefits. An extra and free kpekus to have around is not hurting anybody, right?

Wrong!!!

If you are single and unattached, you can choose to distribute all your unborn children amongst all your booty calls, in which case, feel free to contract AIDS around Lagos. However, if you are married and still carrying all the weight of your exes booty around, you are on your own when the s**t hits the roof. 

Let me make it simple.

Have you ever had this toy that you played with for a very long time and you got tired of suddenly and threw it away somewhere in the house? When you found this toy many years after, what feeling came up? Disgust? Or Excitement? Did you play with the toy for some time again before finally getting tired? During that time of reuniting with the old toy, what happened to the new toy Daddy gave you for Christmas?

My thoughts/sentiments exactly! Because when it comes to “Osho free”, men are the greatest beneficiaries.

Many believe they can handle doused feelings and can deal with an Ex. Many of us actually cannot. You are not supposed to deal with it. You are supposed to flee from it. My Hubby’s case is even worse as his exes are all pretty such that, every convo I witness between them is like someone is wringing out my innermost parts and I just want to aaaaaargh! *takes a deep breath as I look at my wedding ring & feels reassured*

Don’t get me wrong. 

I am not insecure nor suffering from unsure emotions but I have so many male friends and they all seem to have something in common (nursing some hidden feelings for an Ex that they ran into again or just feeling guilty because something happened when he saw his ex the last time in her house and they were home alone. And they always go back no matter how much they claim guilty conscience)

Come on!

At times, I marvel at the lay man’s orientation of “fleeing from temptation”. Temptation is, knowing something is likely to happen but we do not respect the possibility enough to create a certain distance between one and temptation. When you are in a relationship and you try to rekindle friendship with an Ex flame, what were you seriously expecting to happen? Seriously, let's talk about it. What really were you trying to achieve? Or let’s choose to look at it from another perspective, how would you react if your spouse/woman/man/lover calls you to inform you an ex of his/hers just got back to town and they will be hanging out or you simply discover they hook up once in a while? I suspect it will leave a worrisome taste to the mouth.

Some intentions are actually pure and some past relationships definitely worth maintaining but statistics have shown that when a relationship does not end well or even when it does and you come across the past subject of your relationship again, there is a higher chance of towing the line of affection several times. And it will not matter whether you are in a relationship or not. What will matter is just the joy of seeing that person once again and reminiscing on past activities you both shared and THAT my dear,  is where the Okafor’s law will come to play.

For those wondering what Okafor’s Law means, let’s just simply put it this way: “Once de be, always de be”.

You are still uncertain? You are on your own!

Nigeria: Prayerfully Religious

I once had this friend who attended MFM back then in school (not sure if she is still a member and I am certain every religious person either by practice or association knows what this means) and whenever she is called to lead in prayers, I was usually tempted to unsheathe my non-existing sword, or any other swinging gadget close to me, to ward off any form of evil, demons or flying humans that may be tempted to come my way, as you get that impression whenever an MFM member is about to pray. At times, the violent mode of prayer makes you wonder whether they are not the ones that are actually trying to wake the devil that may be in limbo or asleep for many years. While in the spirit, you can practically hear the demonic spirit wearing boxing gloves to fight back. You will understand this if you have ever experienced a prayer session with one of their members. 

At some point, after witnessing these sessions from her, I became paranoid and suspicious of anyone that wore a black skirt on a black top, whoever swept the entrance at night was kept at arm’s length, whoever cleans his/her seat with white handkerchief before sitting I bind and cast and keep them at bay, those that eyeballed me, I presented their names to my prayer warrior friend and I  became suspicious of all crawling insects; be it cockroaches, lizards, even ants, as I was quite certain they were humans that turned to insects just to have access to my room. I even started believing that all owls, bats, cats were out to drain my blood and infest my blood vessels. As at the point of that paranoia moment, please note that I had not achieved any remarkable success or even any admirable personal effect to make me a focus or consideration for any jazz domain but she convinced me it was me that they wanted, every time I am “opportune” to be around her. She even made this worse when I confided in her that I fell one day while on my way to work at around 6:00am and was about to board a bus(like I said earlier, I had no personal effect, like a car back then.). As soon as I related this incident, she requested we pray and she began;

"Daddy (daddy bawo?), we are here again, every demon, every scavenger, all vampires, every evil being directed to stop this young girl (Iyen emi na) from reaching her goal, fire burn them, die, die, die, die, die, burn in hell, we match you, we disgrace you, we sweep you out".

As she was saying this, she was matching the floor with both legs in a rather violent way that I had to look down to be certain that somehow the devil had not manifested itself and she is now stepping on him. (Yup, the devil has to be a man) My eyes were opened throughout this time as I was fascinated by the whole activity, yet looking in fear for any suspicious spirit appearing to envelope me from the back or simply slide into my very body and my eyes would change to black once it entered. (Yeah, I had seen most episodes of Supernatural as at then) thus stopping me from reaching wherever my goal was. She then probably discovered she could not hear my voice and said "Teju, open your mouth and cast every demon, every evil that is within you" (within me, wait a minute, how did we get here?) At that point, I was much more interested in keeping watch of any demon that will appear from nowhere. My paranoia that day was at its stretch. After praying for almost 45mins, or was it an hour? (I was almost in tears as I was hungry and my knees were aching.)she requested we pray for Nigeria, "Baba loke, a wa woju re loni, ko si inu aiye awon olorilede wa, wa bawa ko emi oju kokoro, covetuosness, , iwa aida, kamapayan, demonish cultism(Yes, she was switching between English and Yoruba) wa bawon soro baba. Daddy,(another thought came to mind when she used the word “daddy”, u know!)  forgive them for all they do for they do not know they are sinning against you (Like seriously, I thought as I opened my eyes in indignation. They didn’t know? They didn’t know that the commandment said “thou shall not steal, thou shall not lie, thou shall not commit adultery and thou shall not call the name of your Lord in vain? They didn’t know?)

At that point however, I was more fascinated by the juxtaposition of the native and foreign language and how swift and deft she seemed to be switching language roles during their usage. I then concluded the alien spirit in me must still be present as I seem to be well aware of the composition of prayers rather than the intent of the prayers. Might I add here that, that was the last time I happen to be in the same room with her! If I had allowed further sessions, she may conclude I was actually the “alien evil”. You know how people see witches and wizards anyhow just because you are not in sync with their religious motif. Nobody will come and slap me because I stated “I am a witch for Christ”.

Her situation was mild compared to a certain CAC member I was once "opportune" to be with. I do not understand why people think it is necessary for them to pray for you when you as much as sneeze in their presence or complain of slight headache. The phrase "Eje ki a gbadura" has been so bastardized that I heard even robbers and assassins now pray before going on any operation. We now believe God actually listens to our prayers just because we pray. 

The most hilarious is the cases whereby there are more than 18 churches or almost 10 mosques on a street. Kilode????? Are our sins that much? And don’t you just love the hypocritical solemnity that people adorn on Sundays or the sudden need to observe Jumah on Fridays? You see so many updates on the quest for redemption and quotes like "Only God will make a way", "Spirit filled church session, I have never felt closer to God", "Lord I come into your presence", “Ya Allah, Ya Samiu, Ya Wadudu”, “Allahu Akbar”, “Warafanahu Monkana Aliya”. All these are coming from the same set of people that saw a broken down car along the road with a lady alone at night and simply drove away "minding their business” and may even be on their way to church/mosque, or probably someone who stole at his work place or lied on a colleague to gain promotion and favor or better still, someone in a public position that embezzles on a daily basis. Once the weekly evil deeds have been committed, they adorn their best ensemble on Sundays or Fridays and proceed to church/mosque, pay tithe/zakat from the stolen funds, the stolen money from the office, sing in a rather loud voice despite not helping the lone woman on third mainland and somehow, expect that if he/she falls down dead, there and then in church, heaven is sure.

E no dey work like that! 

Attending church/mosque on Friday/Sunday is not a guaranteed way to make heaven. Opening several churches in different locations in Nigeria will not pave your way into paradise. Doling out stolen money to the orphanage will not bribe St Peter at the gates of Heaven. Quoting bible passages as DP or lifting phrases from Joel Osteen song no go make God pity you. At all at all! Jesus will not defend you on judgment day if you rob Peter to pay Paul. Lying on a colleague may get you promoted in this life but will not wash away your sins for paradise. Going to church/mosque and wearing your best dress on Sundays while sitting close to the pastor is certainly not a yardstick for heaven confirmation. All these only make you the non-perpetrator of the first commandment, “Thou shall not call the name of your Lord in vain”

Oh, you didn’t know that is calling the name of the Lord in vain? You thought it is only when you call the name in excess? No o! The word “vain” simply means “producing no result; useless, futile, null”. So invariably, this means that you should already know in your heart of hearts that heaven is not your final destination as you have not even kept any of the Hadith/commandments but still believe that there will somehow be a kind of an existing promo- “commit sin but make heaven” on that day of judgment and somehow you will qualify and make heaven.

Hian! You wish!

If you steal, lie, covet, or commit adultery and it yields returns and people ask you and you say “It is God o”, you are calling the name of the Lord in vain. When you steal from your employer or bad mouth colleagues in order to gain growth within the company and you get promoted as a result and people ask you and you say rather joyously, “we thank God o”, you have used his name in vain so hell awaits you. If on the other hand you have committed various atrocities over the week and on the day of your worship, with no serious intention to repent or show remorse but rather to fulfill the call of Sabbath/Jumaat righteousness, you start your prayer with “In Jesus name/Bismillahi Rahmoni Rahim”, my brother/sister, you have called the name of the Lord in vain so you are a very sure and verified candidate for hell.

In case you are still not sure where you belong, I will make it clear: paying tithes without giving your own parents funds to cater for themselves no matter how wealthy they may be or showing them respect and honor, going to Mecca on Hijrah despite the fact that you have not helped anyone with the amount of millions you have in your bank and personal properties, giving money to the poor while stealing or committing many scandalous atrocities, will not guarantee you a seat on the right hand of God or Al-Janat. Coming to social sites to drop hypocritical Christian/Islamic quotes or joining a unit in church will also not clear your issue in the presence of the Almighty God or automatically erase your name from the book of sorrow.

No be like that my dear!

Nigeria is quoted to be the most religious country but ridden in poverty, disillusioned growth, non-existent infrastructures, corrupt leaders who donate lavishly to churches/mosques and expect to be recognized and not just listed as an anonymous donor, supposed men of God engaging in sexual scandals, paedophiles being granted bails, murder cases being settled out of courts because victims family members are not influential.

And despite all these underdeveloped system of living, churches/mosques are thriving on situation by affiliating higher donations to higher consideration for heaven. And the porousness of religion in Nigeria is still growing at such an alarmingly swift rate that one wonders if purpose of growth is not as a result of financial gain. If this is not the case, one wonders why theft rate, kidnapping rates, murders that could come in form of robbery, lynching, poisoning and the famous jazz is still on the increase.

If the churches/mosques are so many and growing per day, who then are the people in prison? Who are the kidnappers? Who are the corrupt leaders? Who are the paedophiles  Who are the hired assassins?

Most importantly, what church/mosque are they attending and why are they not filled with the spirit of God till now?

May God save us all from all evils. (Another lame retort to every calamity)

N:B: Please note I am not going to translate anything today o. So if any phrase/quote in the above article seems unfamiliar, Nigerians are scattered everywhere in the world especially Yorubas so extend friendship and warmth to the next Nigerian and ask them to interprete. That way, you make new friends. And every one goes home happy. (yawns) I don tire abeg....

30 Entrepreunial Habits/Traits I have learnt from my Boss

Simply put, I love my job. And I love my boss. (At least, pending the time I am not the recipient of his famous wrath, my feelings are still perfect towards him).


Every employee's dream is to work for a boss who will make you look forward to leaving your bed every morning to go to work. A good boss is hard to find, but when you have one, you often get to learn valuable lessons, albeit, usually dished out in various forms of emotions in his own case, as the case is, usually with all CEO's.


Time has also shown that when you work closely with some particular people, you tend to duplicate their emotions and feel what they feel. Here are some things I have managed to pick up in the line of duty and learned from a passionately good boss whose emotions at times run through me.

1a. There is really no difference between urgent and important. If it concerns me, treat as urgent AND important.

1b. I believe in absolute brevity. This means when you send a mail and I respond simply with ??????, it is an avenue for you to read your mail again and convince me of your common sense existence by doing the needful.

1c. There is nothing called "Indispensable staff". Always say that to yourself every morning before coming to work. And believe it.

2. Manage your personal productivity. Maintain a blame-free work environment. That does not mean when I am upset, I will not blame you.

3. I understand I am nice and you may want to take advantage. I am watching and waiting.

4. I believe in team work. This means you may, scratch that, you WILL take on tasks that will fall out of your usual job functions.

5. Yes, there is really such a thing as a stupid question, especially if I had taken time to explain it to you sometime in the past.

6. That you are rich does not mean you cannot be prudent.

7. If you ask a question and I do not respond, please, do not take it as a leverage to repeat yourself. I actually heard you the first time but just thought it would be nice to give you an unbelievable opportunity to think it through, consider the foolishness of it, then redeem yourself in my sight.

8. I do not like to repeat myself on any topic/subject whatsoever. Kindly refer to no. 5 & 7.

9. If you really want to make a point, try not to use sentiments. I like facts, statistics & figures.

10. The regular closing time for each working day is 5:00pm. I agree. Just know that as long as I am still on seat and within the office premises, it will be extremely sinful of you to leave before me, don't you think?

11. I believe in giving people a very long rope to hang themselves. Don't blame me if you choke on it due to your ineptitude.

12. The working days of the week is between Monday-Friday. However, kindly send a mail and copy HR explaining why you were unreachable over the weekend and the reason you were not responding to any of the 100 mails I sent to you over the weekend.

13. I understand I am a difficult person and rather demanding sometimes. I take that back. I will ALWAYS be demanding and difficult. Didn't the HR mention that to you during your induction stage? Their bad, really!

14 Chances abound that you may have palpitations when I summon you to my office. It is expected so you may want to be prepared. Hey, some people say the Lord's prayer before knocking and entering. You may want to try that. Heard it works.

15. I believe in Family culture. And I know you have family values also. Which is why I do not require you to come in to the office during weekends. But why don't you come over to my house on Saturday morning so we watch some movies, have some breakfast and discuss the business processes we will be implementing next week? Try and make it before 9:00am please. You may be having lunch and dinner here by the way. Will you be going to church on Sunday? Is it necessary? I was considering you sleeping over. I have some presentation that will take a while. You can use my phone to notify your family you will be going to work from here on Monday.

16. I really do NOT like to repeat myself. But when I do, I may switch to sarcasm mode. Let's hope you are smart enough to discern it.

17. At times, you should understand it may not be your fault really. That does not mean I will not lash out at you. Because I need you to explain why you and the rest of your team are incompetent. Oh, they are not your team mates? Wow, but you are both employees of this company, right? So you WILL need to know and understand why a process is not working. Make it your duty.

18. I make some demands at times that I am aware Usain Bolt may not be able to deliver. You are not Usain Bolt. Make it happen.

19. When I give you a task, BEGIN before MAKING EXCUSES. Let me see you TRY. It's not your position to tell me it can't be done. What, you think I am stupid?

20. You will not be going on Vacation for a very long time. Let your family know on time.

21. I may ask you the same question a million times. Let your responses be constant. Integrity means more to me than anything.

22. If you lie to me, I will fire you. And yes, I will find out.

23. It is my company. Never forget that.

24. I value opinions and let you make them. Do not however, take that to mean dishing unsolicited advice on how to run my business. Please refer to no. 23.

25. I believe in playing after work. Hey, use my card and run some bills while at it. We will be reviewing the financial aspect of the company when we get to the party venue by the way.

26. I am not impressed by processes. For me, EFFORT does not count. Give me RESULTS.

27. I understand and believe in motivating employees. Which is why I let you negotiate your wages. Once you come on board, be prepared for my full wrath and think about your monthly remuneration and let it be a source of motivation to come into the office every morning.

28. I understand I can be temperamental. It comes with being the CEO of a company.

29.I actually smile at times you know. But it happens only when you have delivered a perfect job. Which you have not done in a long while by the way.

30. Like I said earlier, there really is something as a stupid question. Like a plague, avoid asking them!

Bribery: Do you reap or sow?

I stopped doing my Laundry myself after I met Hubby. And no, it was not that he started doing the laundry on my behalf. He simply banned me from adopting the washing measures of using a big bowl under the tap and sitting on a wooden "apoti" outside my flat while washing rigorously the clothes from the previous week. (You cannot conclude I am pako o just because I once washed my clothes with a big bowl and Omo detergent under the tap, so keep your opinions to yourself on who is butter and who is the pako)

Anyone familiar with my family will know that no matter the millions you make, my mum will NEVER allow you to waste money on a washing machine or any other machine for that matter that will prevent you from completing a task manually so it was never an option. Even after I started giving my clothes to some laundry company, my mum still had her reservations: "Ah, won ma ko bo aso e lasan lasan nii. Won ni gbo dada bobase fe. Won ma ko ma ko starchi si nii".("They willl simply make your clothes faded on time because they will not wash it the way you want but will simply use excessive starch to make it dry and hard)" And she usually enjoys the "mo sha ti so fun e pe koma fo aso e fun ra e?" (Haven't I told you severally to wash your clothes yourself) part when one of the many clothes returned by Iya Kofo Garment Care Services (The name is fake by the way) gets torn due to the excessive starch used. She will then go over and over (I have a feeling she was my hubby's mother in the past life considering they both know how to blow the little things out of proportion if given the chance) on the importance of exercising your muscles and body by doing things manually and keeping yourself young with the rigorous methods involved. Simply put: With my mum, why waste hard earned money giving out tasks you can complete manually with your God-given hands? That's why I have never bothered to broach the subject of taking her to the movies or simply go and spend the night at Southern Sun for mere pleasure. (What, you think I cannot afford it? Kpsheeew) She will bluntly request you give her the money to buy the CD of the movie when it comes out for N150 naira. As for the meals and hotel sleepover, she will break down all the ingredients used in making all the meals we will be served and let you know it may not even be up to N5000 compared to the alarming bill that will be presented at the end of our stay. For every morsel she will take, you will be made to understand the importance of prudence and the need to save for the future. And for the hotel room, you will have to explain whether the bed will automatically transport her to heaven when we sleep on it for the night

I have digressed. 

As I was saying, during one of our mushy wushy lovey dovey days of courtship(we both can see clearly now that the rain is gone) and I was caressing his cheeks in a captivating moment of love, he simply asked one day, "this your hand, do you use them to scrub sand paper every morning nii?Abi you used to carry bricks at some site before nii? Why are they so coarse like this? I must never make you slap me in anger o. The marks will be ingrained forever”. That's the man my family collected 42 tubers of yam from to marry me. He will dish the insult with a very straight face. He says it as it is so I have changed his baptismal name to "Inspector Karounwi Marimaso".

His point: I indulge in too many tasks and it has affected my palms so they have lost their softness. As a result, I was banned from washing, sweeping or any other task that requires the use of my palms in any given way. He simply tells me to look for someone to do the task and we will pay them once the job is done, except cooking ati tibi. (The rotten minded ones will know what I mean).

For him, the rule of the thumb is as simple as this: “Any service that can be done by greasing the right palm, then grease gladly and stop stressing yourself”. You may leave him impressed with the neatness of his environment but he is not the kind of person whose heart you can win by indulging in personal household chores or sweating to do menial tasks. As far as he is concerned, you are just a selfish person by not rubbing the right palm of the person that needs the tip to feed his/her family. (that's his excuse for tipping everybody he comes across) And I mean everybody. If you are reading this, chances abound you may have collected bribe from Hubby before.

This post is not about my hubby for those already yawning, but rather about the porous state of the society where we believe so much in tipping the right palms to get things done that probably the government should just legalise it once and for all. Hubby believes that is the only way you can contribute your quota in reducing the poverty state of the country. (Can you believe the justification & nexus?) I always marvel whenever we go out and we are attended to immediately. He calls me "aka gum" that I cannot part with any money and that I have selfish tendencies and don't like helping my fellow sisters & brothers in need. How will I simply give out money for a service that is required of you to do?(because I asked for my 10 naira change at Shoprite, or that we ate at a restaurant and the waiter was supposed to give me 250 naira change, i should let it go?) And at times, he is so convincing I feel like I am the bad person in the scheme of things.

Some while back, I went shopping at a popular mall and after making payment of almost 30000 naira for items of 29,980, the lady issued me my receipt and simply turned away to attend to the next person and I was like, "Excuse me, can I have my change?" She looked at me in a rather surprised way and simply said "I don't have change" and continued with the next customer. At about the same time, hubby said my name rather aloud (I am actually trying to be polite because he actually screamed my name as if I requested for free grocery) as he was almost by the door then, walked back to me and dragged me away. I was so enraged and told him there and then whether the lady would have agreed I paid her less if I did not have 20naira to complete the transaction. As usual, he waved off my cries of being cheated and said the attendant needed it more than I do. Trust me to make the nagging inventor proud as I did not let it slide. I debated heatedly about it throughout the ride home. The nagging instructor would have been impressed. Just to get me to keep shut, he had to give me the aggrieved 20 naira.

However, he has started rubbing off on me(like a bad habit) as I have begun to grease the right palms and paying for services that were originally my entitlement: paying guards for parking spaces at wedding, tipping the servers at wedding so they serve you all the dishes available at the function, tipping police men when you pass the wrong lane, tipping my sister to help bring stuff for me from home to the office, giving recharge cards to people I may need their help few days before asking, then I ask for the assistance 2 days later and they are happy to deliver, tipping the layabouts on certain streets to watch over the car while I attend a function that did not deem it fit to provide parking space. I have even gone further to be tipping Hubby himself with certain entitlements so as to receive some entitlement that I should ordinarily just demand for. (Take your mind out of the gutter folks)

And what I find amazing is that no matter the level of enlightenment, exposure, education, the reaper of the tip is usually happy to have been considered for such offer and shows effusive appreciation to the sower of such by offering more and even better service than expected. 

It goes to show that Nigeria is in a far deeper trouble than we think. I even heard that some restaurants/hotels now include tips as part of the total bill. Gradually, we are adopting norms that we once frowned upon. It is now an expected part of service from the service provider if you really want to get the job done. It is so sickening and condescending that the reapers are not even aware. You cannot begin to imagine the level of this porousness until you experience it first-hand. 

Corruption on the other hand is a foregone conclusion as it has parked its motherboard ship in the shores of Nigeria and I doubt it will be leaving any time soon. Just the other day while going to the, oh shoot! My boss just walked in. And he is not smiling.

Some other time folks….

Over & out!

The Stress of being a Mistress

(I have finally been allowed to resume work, after frustrating hubby with my boredom that is. He practically woke me by 4:00am so I can prepare for work. He just could not take any chance of me not going to work and taking out the frustrations on him like I did yesterday. Hehehe! Anyway, the story below was one that I had shared on Facebook like 3 years ago, 2009 precisely, but I am certain many have not been opportune to read it, hence the reposting. And the subject happens to dwell on an issue that affects almost all women (well, excepting me sha. Hubby has not even finished buying me a house in Dubai, he will now be thinking of mistress, ha, he will hear it! Alright, fact is I am just too lazy to think of something to write about, so please indulge me with this repost and hopefully, happy reading)


I don’t know why wives bellyache about their husbands taking off with their mistresses. If they know how much work those girls do to keep other people’s properties, the wives would keep quiet. Yes, it’s tough being a wife but by Jove it’s tougher being a mistress. Keeping what’s not yours requires a lot of gut and staying power.

It’s also not a business for cowards. It’s not a venture for those who don’t want to sweat. It is tension soaked, energy- sapping, emotional and spiritual – intensive business. And the big players know the stakes. That’s why when they reap the fruits of their labour, we all can’t help but gape. So when next you open a soft – sell magazine and see some beautiful 35-year-old opening up about her life and business in the oil sector, don’t think she got there by generally doing what you do. There’s a lot of hard work involved in being a successful enviable mistress of the right guy. Emphasis on the right guy! You think you go to church? Mistresses go to churches. They move from one miracle – distributing church to the other. They sleep on mountains for days. They fast more and longer than wives. For them, being a mistress is a major investment that must be guarded jealously, watered intensely and watched over with every drop of blood.

Wives have tendencies to relax and take their investments for granted. Not mistresses. The goose that lays the golden eggs must be put in a golden cage. I remember vividly my experience in the waiting room of a female make over parlour in the capital city sometime in 2009. I was waiting for my turn when some of the attendants of the establishment brought out all kinds of ‘gadgets’ to keep a man’s attention. Oh boy, it was one long sex education, the kind you can find only when big girls are teaching one another survival tricks.

There was this ointment (or was it a cream?) that was offered me for N5, 000. It’s job? It’ll keep the man asking for more. Just rub it down below and the man will go to heaven and return as many times as he wants. It was a small jar. The big jar was N10, 000. While I was trying to make up my mind if I wanted to try the cream or even if I had the energy to send someone to heaven more than once, the girls brought out this gigantic bottle. You need your two hands to carry it and the liquid content cost N25, 000.

The bottle, according to the girls, had been buried in the ground for one whole year, yes 12 months. For efficacy. It’s strictly for feminine use. It smells great and it is supposed to do greater things for your man in your bed. I bet you are dying to know which one I bought. I’m not telling. The lesson is mistresses invest in their paraphernalia of office and I saw a few things that day. Stuffs were bought for good money too. Just think about it.

I’m sure you have heard or read stories of undergraduates and 25-year-olds ending up in the kind of wealth you and I only dream of. I’m sure you have also wondered where those girls got their ‘heads’ from and why yours is not fetching you money or even love. But what are you doing about it? You think you can just wish for a shop in Ikoyi, a duplex in Victoria Island and summer holiday in Barbados and they all fall in your pretty laps? Not on your dreaming life. You work for it, girl. That’s why those smart ones outside can hold their sugar daddies. That’s also why some wives are having more fun than the others.

Have you had white fast this year and for how many days?

You are eating like food’s going out of fashion while your husband’s girlfriend is fasting her waist away. She’s losing waist’ and you are gaining it. She’s locked up somewhere in one white-garment church doing cross-road prayers and you are nagging about ‘aso-ebi’? Jazz don catch you, baby. You don’t even know what cross-road prayer is? I’ll bail you out. Cross-road prayer is one where you lock up yourself for a day, two days or for as long as you can to pray without talking to anybody. You just keep praying, talking only to God until He does it.

Adejoke (you don’t think that’s her real name, do you?) just finished her seven-day white fast. Her prayer point? Her politician boyfriend just bought her a Honda Element and she wants to park it in front of a befitting house in Maitama Abuja. She believes if she asks God and does as her prophet decrees, it’d be done. If she gets it, what would you think? It’s crazy, isn’t it?

There are other spiritual exercises like being on a prayer mountain for days so a man can keep doing what you want him to do even when you are not legally married to him. Frightening but true. Some of these smart girls know all the prayer mountains from Ede to Oke Erinmo to Kaduna . And they go there for prayers. Now, I’m not saying that religious leaders aid and abet untoward things; I’m just concerned that wives shouldn’t think it is okay to just assume that husbands are forever. No, they are not. There are too many girls out there who want your man, probably more than you do. They are working harder than you think. I also learnt that there are prayers to bring down the holy books and that takes five to seven ‘men of God’ to do. If you have only daughters for your husband and he has assured you that ‘nothing spoil’, don’t take anything for granted.

In fact, don’t believe him or rest on your oars. His girlfriends are working day and night to get him an heir. I just found out that there’s a hospital in Kuwait where there are specialists who help to fix sex of a baby with appreciable success rate. Yes, Kuwait. These girls will go anywhere to please your man and you are there taking him for granted. Kuwait is where she’d take him for the next summer and she’d get the right male chromosomes out of him to consolidate her hold in your business.

And the rain of twins everywhere? Have you wondered if God just suddenly opened the windows of heaven for twins to be born in Nigeria? No! Fertility drugs are here to the rescue. And while wives are ready to continue to ‘believe God’ for the fruit of the womb, the mistresses are going through the pain of injecting themselves with fertility stuff and monitoring every change in their bodies to produce that fruit of the womb.

So what have we learnt? Life, marriage is a cut-throat business where she who endures wins gold or dies at the finishing line.



Please note that the above article was written from a very neutral point of view and author is not in any way trying to justify cheating. It is simply to let we, married women know that just because we are married does not mean we should rest on our oars. Let’s keep attracting that man we said our wedding vows with, and in the presence of our loved ones. Because you will be amazed at the number of extremely desperate women that we have out there ready to move in if you blink for just a second. Guard & protect your property. Chikena! #nuff said#

Housewives: A Myth or Reality?

So, I guess it's no longer news that I am currently on compulsory bed rest administered by the doctor for typhoid.(Hehehe, I have always wanted to use that line like a celebrity even though this will be the first time many of you are getting to know of this piece of news)

Hubby practically asserted his "I am the man of the house and you will do as I say" right and categorically locked me indoors before leaving for work. Hian! The only thing he did not do was come out straight to ask me to choose between my job and himself. (I had a feeling he was scared I will choose my job so he just respected his champion self. lool)

So this is like the 38th hour that I have not been to work and I have practically grown more grey hairs out of boredom. Hubby has even banned me from calling his number and his phone seems to be off now. I am not sure why as I only called a few times this morning to ask what he wore to work, what he ate when he got to work, the ingredients used in making his breakfast, details of what his colleagues are putting on at work, bit by bit explanation on the number of cars he passed by while on his way to work and other pertinent details a concerned wife should know about.

Yes, I am freaking bored to my teeth and this will have been avoided if he had simply allowed me go to work! Which brings me to my question for the day: How in God's name do housewives of the olden days cope?

I mean, how do they sit at home and all they do is maintain the home front and watch the children while waiting for their husbands, the great lord of the manor to arrive? Jesus! Is any child/hubby worth that kind of sacrifice? Don't get me wrong: Yes, children need attention and dedication and all those other -tion adjectives (or is it adverb?) but when has it ever been a crime to work and train a child at the same time? How do women who combine jobs and home stuff do it? Why should a woman sacrifice her other side of life when even men of nowadays cannot singularly take care of a home without shouting, “a woman has to contribute to the home upkeep”. If men are now liberal enough to allow women take care of the home front alongside with them financially, then a man should also be able to resign and take care of the home and be a house-husband Chikena! Simple as that!

However, please note I used "olden days" in the above paragraph because I really do not want to believe that we still have women that will agree to becoming housewives. I want to assume that housewives went away with the 19th century. I want to believe women that were actually issued that housewife proposition by their husbands took time to discuss that topic with their spouses before he even proposed, least of all before the nuptials AND ensuring they reach a solution beneficial to both.

A program on the radio aired by Rhythm sometime last week centred on a woman whose hubby left her with four children for her best friend and when hubby related this to me, the first question I asked was: “What does she do?” And hubby replied, "She's a housewife". I had nothing further to say after that.

We blame men for many atrocities we women are afflicted with, but truthfully, we are the architects of our own problems. When a man cheats, he is cheating on us with a fellow woman who has no iota of loyalty to her fellow woman, a woman who forgets she will one day be married and will be at the same position, or whose daughter or sister will experience same, and karma goes on like that. Like hubby usually reiterate, “When there is no supply, there will be no demand”.

How can a woman with 4 children be a housewife to a kind of specie that we women already know and I quote in Yoruba, "okunrin o nii aponle beyen.”. Why should women get rid of their identities because you signed the dotted lines? Except the man has registered a mall as big as The Palms Shopping Mall under “your own personal name” or has built several houses “under your personal name”, you have no business being a house wife. It not only protects you from the unknown, it also gives your children that confidence and background to know that their mother is capable of taking care of them in case of unforeseen circumstances and it also prepares your children to be able to withstand scorn and ridicule. Women are the builders of the homes and when a woman is capable, confident and a strong ally to their fathers, children will grow up confident, smart, capable and will marry spouses that exhibits same personality and traits. And when this process is adopted in all homes, it will invariably prepare Nigeria in becoming a better place.

It goes without saying that women live longer than men (statistically proven by Medical societies so you men can calm down), and as a result, is that not enough reason to empower ourselves for the unforeseen and ensure we are not walked over simply because they happen to be the sole breadwinners of the house? Even if our hubbies are wealthy beyond measures, shouldn't we learn to save for rainy days?

Ironically, as learned as we may seem to think the society seems to be as of this moment, some men still insist that their wives will not work, and rather than set them up, they only resort to monthly remittance and so many women are extremely comfortable with such arrangement, until death comes knocking.

I find it pitiful when some women's lives practically stop the minute their spouse becomes deceased. Then they start running helter skelter to different family members who will now use that opportunity to bring up a grievance they had with the woman's deceased spouse and as a result, cannot/will not assist. This situation then makes the children involved angry, defensive, aggressive, and at the end of the day resort to heinous dealings to make money.

In as much as marriage is ordained by God and is a sweet thing, before signing that dotted line with that man and blinded by silly love, be sure you are not marrying a man who may be urbane in appearance but backward in civilisation, believes in stoves more than gas/electric cooker, prefers moin moin wrapped in leaves to the ones prepared with nylon, will rather you pound yam even in pregnancy than prepare poundo-yam, tells you all the women in his family are housewives, hence be prepared to do same, lets you know ahead that "no wife of mine will go and be serving any man at work". I will not even bother to ask whether he met you while you were working or not that he is now actually demanding you quit your job to maintain the home.

All these are signs that you are getting married to a man that belongs to the cotton plantation era. And even though you may find the possessive act sweet and endearing, I can assure you that after the first few months of marriage, when he has resumed back in his office to work daily with his fair complexion leggy assistant who smells of Christian Dior's Poison and all your friends have gone back to working for their male bosses while raking in their cool cash monthly, and you are still at home with wrapper tied around your now huge breasts while cooking beans with plantain because, "he likes it that way", the resentment will follow.

What you will then come to terms with is that the resentment will come from him. Then, you will not be good enough.

On women who are still married to spouses that use them as punching bags, I will wait till I am fully recuperated to write on that. Thinking about it alone, I can feel my blood pressure rising.

Native Words used within the article:

• "Hian" - A word used to express scorn
• "okunrin o nii aponle beyen”. - Erm, i actually cannot define as correctly as it was phrased in Yoruba but it is to mean that men are not worth that kind of trouble for a woman to go through that stress for.(athink)

Aso-Ebi: Famous Custom or Infamous Curse?

Without the use of jazz or Indian magic ring, that's how I spent over a million naira on Aso-Ebi between the months of January & December 2013. (Yes, I said a million naira. Na you sabi if you don't believe I can have a million naira o.) When I saw the bill my fashion designer (The razz ones will say Tailor) sent, omo, fear hold my body o. I then made a vow that, come December 31st 2013, I will be done with Aso-Ebi. So help me God.

The Aso-Ebi syndrome, otherwise known as Aso-Ebi madness has eaten deep into Nigeria society so bad that there is now a phrase to emphasize the importance of Aso-Ebi at any gathering and it goes, “o wo ankara, o je semo". 

And the importance of buying Aso-Ebi and actually wearing it cannot be over emphasized, as you will get totally ignored or will only get the same form of treatment that local drummers get at wedding scenes. It's as if a kind of meeting is usually held before the wedding informing the servers and other hostesses of the wedding that those not wearing the Aso Ebi should be ignored or not given any special treatment. 

I was at a wedding function some time ago and I am not exaggerating when I say I took the wedding gift intended for the couple back home. This was because the table I sat was totally and absolutely ignored from all the fanfare as no one on the table was wearing the chosen Aso-Ebi. The ones that later got to eat actually fought for their wedding proprietary right to eat. The gift I got for the couple was extremely expensive(and anyone who knows me well knows this is my turf, giving classy gifts), and when it was time to leave,(after waiting for hours to be sure it’s not that I was invisible and no one was coming to ask whether I want even mere water), I simply walked out with my gift. Call it petty but that wedding was undeserving of any kind of gift. And apparently, it was obvious the younger sister to the bride's mother had been told to give total attention to the people adorning the Aso-Ebi and ignore all other guests.

As if that is not depressing enough, some evil people now choose more than one type of Aso-Ebi for just one wedding. Just one wedding!!! If that is not wickedness having to grade your guest’s wallet depth and letting everyone know where each guest’s grade falls, then pray do tell what can surpass the unnecessary hype and importance attached to grading your guest by the Aso-Ebi category they fall.

The first set of Aso-Ebi is usually for those that are considered first class guests and they get that same first class treatment and even have a table reserved for them specially. This will range between N25000-N30000. Then there will be the slightly moderate one that falls between N15000-N20000 for the second class guests that are not so buoyant.

However, so as not to seem unreasonable, they then make some sort of concession for the “broke guests” to make them feel they belong to the Aso-ebi family, by making a set of Aso-ebi available and this will fall between the ranges of N3500-N5000. And because the organisers for each wedding are already aware of the most expensive material, the adorners of the 25000-30000 are given extra preferential treatment and eat every meal & drink available at the wedding function.

As a rule and no matter the closeness I have with the couple, (except in extreme concessional cases) once a couple hints to me on the different Aso-ebis’ available, but  depending on your status, I know I will not be attending. It not only gives the wedding a rather confusing and rainbow look, it defeats the purpose of the wedding which is supposed to be fun and simply for guests to come, mingle easily and celebrate with the couple with no resentment attached. But once guests come to wedding and start looking around to see some set of people getting Chinese rice while they are being served Jollof rice with no fish added to their goat meat and another set taking champagne while theirs have only bottled cokes to boast of, it sets the couple up for resentment that is not worth it.

To now make it extremely worse, you attend some weddings where every table is labelled according to the group of guests being expected, and after going round the hall searching for available seats, you discover you do not fall under any category. And when you manage to request from some table’s occupants if you can squat with them, they practically snarl at you on the audacity to even consider sitting with them, and are quick to remind you the seats are reserved only for some set of people that may have not even left their homes.

Shockingly and most ridiculously, some weddings now take time to announce important guests and request for guests to stand to acknowledge them. At times I get confused on whether I am at a wedding function or a political arena? They even go as far as bouncing some guests off the table they have managed to acquire so the “important guests” can have their seats while the bounced guests can sort themselves out however they like.

I have a friend that does not bother to attend weddings where she is not an organiser or even a family member. And I have decided to adopt that process by January 1 2014.

Wedding ceremonies are now political and status conscious and more of how influential you are during the preparation of the wedding. The closer you are to the couple, the higher your chances of being attended to fairly at a wedding.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not against Aso-Ebi(I love the colourful representation on the D-day), but once it becomes a yardstick for how guests will be treated, then it is a No-No for me. And also, since weddings are on-going ceremonies that will keep happening for as long as the world exists, I am of the opinion Aso-ebis need not be unreasonably expensive that every intended guest cannot afford it. Once you extend an invitation to someone, it can be assumed you want them at your wedding, and that means ensuring optimum ease and comfortability for the intended guests. Little wonder people do not consider it necessary bearing gifts for the wedding function, and we cannot blame them considering all the funds have been spent on buying and sewing the Aso-ebi.

Ironically, after complaining bitterly on how deep the cost of Aso-ebi has eaten into her account including the cost of sewing the Aso-ebi, one of the numerous ladies usually found in abundance at every wedding function, will still plan her upcoming wedding and choose some Aso-ebi that will make her own friends also groan and the cycle continues like that.

On the guarantee and ratio of the wedding transforming into a lasting marriage despite all the ” senrenres” performed & engineered towards the wedding ceremony itself, is another story entirely, which I will leave another blogger to write on.

N:B – Apologies in advance to all intended brides getting married beginning & beyond 2014 that I will not be buying Aso-ebi anymore(excepting  of course Seun, Duchess, Pelumi, Joy, Kenny, Vivian, Grace, Ronke,Fiyin, Sope, Tayo, Tope, Shade, Ebi, Tolu, Dayo, Tamara, Ebere, Bimbo, Jumoke, Deola, Tobi, Sike, Kemi, Ife, Temitayo, even Osubare, oh crap! This resolution is never going to work, is it?????)

Native words/Phrases used within the artice:

"Na you sabi" - A phrase emphasizing the level of your indifference to any opinion contrary to the one mentioned above.

“omo, fear hold my body o”. – A phrase meaning you were scared shitless by the information received.

“Aso-ebi” -A word that literally means “clothes for the relatives” but has now been rephrased to mean "clothes for those that can afford it and want to be treated specially at any wedding event they find themselves

“O wo ankara, o je semo” - Simply means, "if you ain't putting up the clothes being sold by us, the celebrant/couple, don't expect to be given any food and consider yourself lucky if you get even mere water. Souvenirs are totally out of it in case you are unaware. Hey, why don't you just stay at home since you didn't buy the material we are selling? Thank you"