Really, What's Love Got to Do With It?

I laugh a lot. And I love the good things of life, a whole lot.

I find humour in mundane things. And I like to purchase beautiful things like gadgets, clothes, hair extensions, books, jewellery, shoes, bags, household equipment, and other lovely things of life that puts me probably not in the affluent part of the food chain but definitely somewhere in the middle or even right above the middle.

I like to look good and I am always wearing a smile and I have a face that threatens to break out into laughter at any moment even if the person is simply saying “hi” or even if someone is very upset with me as I also find anger extremely fascinating. (You don’t want to know how many times I have wanted to smile and grin at Jagaban when Jagaban is upset with me over something I’d erroneously done and is reprimanding me as I’d always been told I have a charming smile and look so adorable when I smile so I have always wanted to test that charm on Jagaban).

Erm, that's not me actually but we share teeth whiteness.

But omo mehn, when I simply weigh the thought of having to dust my certificates (which I don’t know where they are again o, come to think of it) and compose a new resume and start searching for jobs on the streets of Lagos, that idea fizzles out so swift that Usain Bolt will be proud and I wipe and dismiss that incoming smile very fast! And I will be right if I say most close associates will concede to the fact that I wear a smile and laughter more than I have ever adorned a frown, if ever.

And when I’m not smiling or engaged in laughter, then I am exquisitely dishing out sarcasm in all its paraphernalia and glory, while still looking pretty too I must say.(battling my Avon mixed with Mac mascara induced very long lashes)

Oh sarcasm! Oh beautiful things of life!

I actually find it perplexing that there are actually some people in existence that don’t enjoy nor understand sarcasm and cannot even speak it. And for the unknowledgeable, sarcasm IS a language and I basically live and breathe with it).

It is my mantra for the dim-witted.

Sarcasm! The language of the intelligent for the slow minded questions and genuinely energy sapping and still irritating-on-top-of-it questions, the ability to think fast and  not forgetting, the ability to tell someone in an open yet hidden way to go to hell without the person being able to quote you anywhere and even looks forward to the journey I must add!

You should understand that sarcasm does not mean I am above being the recipient.

Absolutely not! In fact, very far from it. I may be an expert on sarcasm but I assure you Jagaban will win the show any day anytime when it comes to sarcasm.

I receive doses of it from Jagaban on a daily basis. (The initiated will know who I speak thus) You will even discover that I have once asked Jagaban the famous retarded question of “where should I put it?” despite a huge table lying across Jagaban empty or simply giving instruction to someone as to where to put the stuff in question.

Jagaban did not disappoint and lived to the name bestowed, as Jagaban gave me a response that my slow mind deserved, “Take It to my village if it will be no trouble”, Jagaban said in a deadpan tone and no flicking eyelid I swear!

No, I did not take it to Jagaban’s village and I did not get upset simply because I enjoy sarcasm a lot and I accepted that such neuron sapping question deserved a Grammy awarded response as specially dished out by Jagaban.

Awesome, right?

So having deduced that I will probably develop lovely laugh crinkles more than the average person and that I love to look good and spend money on beautiful things, then it goes without saying that when I was choosing a life partner, a sense of humour, a fashion savvy personality with huge appreciation for the fine things of life should be a huge factor to consider, shebi?

HELL YEAH!!!!!!

Fashion appealing, wicked humour & the ability to understand sarcasm and dish it was a much required physical factor that I was not willing to compromise on in any way despite having other important requirements on the list that must be met. But on this one o, I needed someone who shared my light approach to life, who understood that it was foregone conclusion MUST that he must look good when stepping out of the house, who appreciates beautiful things and someone who does not keep grudges.

Because e go too pain me o make I come kpai and all my money should go to charity because I was saving towards rainy day! Hian! Ko joor mehn! Every cash made on earth must be spent on earth.

Ko soro!

So therefore, if I knew what I wanted in a life partner, why would I choose to spend the rest of my life with someone who lacked all that I have dreamt of and settle for somebody who is a direct opposite of all I aspire for in a hubby simply because of the way he looks at me adorably or because he has some extremely soft looking lips, (Oh my!) or because he proposed to me on a Yacht with all his rich friends and their women envious or because every time he beats me, he apologises on the radio and TV station an buys me a Hermes bag or every time he cheats on me with some of his ex-girlfriends and co-workers and I find out, he buys me 24 karat gold? Why will I go ahead and marry someone who I nurse deep fear for regarding our future together as a result of our mental and intellectual polarity just because I believe “we are deeply in love and he loves me too?”

The gorilla also needs to know if you are for real. 

Since when has love been a deciding factor for choosing a life partner? And really, what’s love got to do with it?

People think I kid when I mention in passing that I was very clinical, calculating and extremely methodical when I was choosing a life partner.

Every analysis was deliberated upon mehn.

Trust me, when you come from a family where your folks were so much in love and everyone tells you that but yet still go ahead and get separated, love will be the last thing you will be looking for when choosing a life partner.

And I am well aware that Hubby may love me deeply but that was not the deciding factor for him but rather he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me because of my culinary skills (Oh yes, I am a splendid cook!), my obsessive compulsion for orderliness and cleanliness. (If you ask me, the guy just wanted someone to compliment his inability to prepare ordinary eba and someone to clean up after him when he disorganises everywhere he as much as breath towards)

So yeah, we were both very calculating before “jumping the broom”. We analyse what each person was bringing into the relationship and decided to “use” each other for life.

Nope, that's not us o. My wedding gown was finer joor.

I assure you, love has nothing to do with it. If you ask me, love is just too overrated.

Love, as portrayed via the social media, commercial ads flying everywhere and celebrities in relationship and marriage has to be between two gorgeous people who are quite rich and can afford to travel everywhere they want with wonderful in-laws looking happily but minding their business in a galaxy far far away from where the couple lives, adoring friends fawning over how lucky the couple is to have found each other, beautiful and brilliant but obedient children that will take their father’s height and their mother’s beauty with good jobs and everything that makes a man and woman stay married till the man dies at the age of 105 and the woman follows like 2 days later.

Sounds like the movie, The Notebook, abi?

Exactly! Unrealistic and extremely unlikely that there will be a married couple on earth and in real life enjoying such life portrayed as above without some doses of unhappiness or challenges that will rear its head during the course of the marriage.

If your marriage is rosy at all times, sorry o, but one of you is deceiving the other. That is not marriage. That is fantasy, which many men and women are still living under a huge delusion and nursing hope that there is that perfect partner out there that will simply come and fill in all the holes and blank spots gaping in their lives. As a result, so many young people seek a relationship based on unrealistic expectations that cannot be fulfilled and even if there exists a partner that may be able to fit into at least half of the requirements, the person is either way out of their league, pursuing someone else that will make him/her miserable, married to his own considered soul mate or even dead.

  

And you wonder why the divorce rate is high in this generation? It is high because many couples are getting married for the wrong reasons and also without the proper checks and balances.

Let me try and run through some examples that may hit close to home.

1)    Every child is a product of his environment so chances are that if you marry from a family where the son grew up seeing his father molest his mother, he would most likely follow in his footsteps and this will be no fault of his but as they say, we become what we see constantly.

2)    It is a given that female children who grew up with separate parents are usually more independent minded than those who grew up under the umbrella of a father and mother. (I am a living proof). So if as a man, you are used to a woman being at your beck and call or that her place is in your “blackened by kerosene stove kitchen”, it is disastrous to marry someone from that background as you will definitely experience certain power tussle in the course of your marriage with such lady who for the better part of her life hasn't taken orders from any man or doesn't know what it feels like to grow up having a father, so mister opomulero, except you don’t mind sharing opinions with Miss independent, it will not be a smart move to venture into it. (In Tabitha’ voice, I foresee doom)

3)    When you marry a man/woman who dumped their partner to be in a relationship with you, your relationship is a time bomb ticking, until someone else claims their interest (I am always amazed when people snatch other peoples’ boo and expect that they will be the person to turn the person around. As as how na?)

4)    When you marry a serial cheat with the hope that you possess the genes to change him/her, your agony days are about to be extended for eternity.

5)    And finally, when almost all your friends and relatives don’t support who you want to marry, be rest assured that it is not a conspiracy. Something is wrong. Stop deceiving yourself that everyone just hates you. Dude/babe got something everyone can see but you are so love blinded you won’t even notice if she/he farts through his/her ears. You will still say “oh, so adorable”.

I am fully aware that there are exceptions to the rule but there are times that the pain and sadness gets waaaay too much before the morning joy arrives and so much damage has been done, so why go through many years of pain and stress for something that should have been nipped in the bud way earlier?

Na so love shack you reach?

Because, what I cannot for all the blood diamonds in Sierra Leone (maybe when I see the raw diamonds sha I will change my mind o) seem to comprehend is how in the name of ten devils (melodramatic mode activated) will you see glaring qualities of an impending doom when you are about to get married to that doom personified partner and still hope that somehow he/she would change because of you?

And no, people DO NOT change overnight. It is a process we always miss because we are blinded by lust, not love. It is not in doubt that people change but usually there is always a manifestation of that quality no matter how subtle.

Let's take for example, a man who "accidentally" slaps his girlfriend (this means he was not yet married to her before he slapped her o) but she went ahead to marry him making excuses for him along the way to relatives who are appalled she till accepted his marriage proposal and friends who care to listen forgetting that she is getting married to him and not any third party, and not knowing that slap is actually the prelude to the real deal and further slaps will be engineered towards her cheeks and configured to subsequently restore her default settings.

I kid you not.

Or in another scenario where a girl who has had it difficult while growing up and having being sent to the university by her struggling family now decides to get married to a guy who is basically unemployed and struggling to make ends meet and that not being the major problem, she now decides to get pregnant BEFORE the wedding,

Shuo! Pregnancy on top this money wey una dey struggle manage?

This is actually a real life scenario and when I was told, I just set an alarm clock to go off in less than a year. (Not wishing for it not to work but simply with a very cold appraisal as to how this will pan out. I pray it works out but mehn, ikoko to ba ma je ata, idi re ma gbona mehn which means things will get really rough before they get better) Now, a grapevine tells me since they got married, it has been one fight or the other due to financial challenges.

Tell me something I did not know!

This is not an avenue to make jest of anyone but to simply mention that being in love shouldn’t rub us of any common sense, which seems to be the trends of today. Marriage is a stressful institution on its own without violence, intellectual & emotional incompatibility and financial constraint so I am of the opinion strategic thinking should be put in place when selecting a life partner.

When selecting(Yes, selecting, like a very expensive clothing or gadget or something expensive and eternal binding, like a partner, you SELECT, SIEVE, PICK, CHOOSE SHREWDLY), you have every right to have a realistic check list and be sure that out of the realistic 15 expectations you want from an intended partner, be sure that more than 10 of it is met by him/her.

Simply put, if you are a king and have the characteristics to match all 15 expectations, then by jove & mercy, you deserve to look out for a queen that is well deserving of the 15 characters you also match and that which you require to be happy.

However, never ask of an intended life partner what you cannot offer or give. You want a King, then you have got to be a Queen. You want a brilliant fashionista, you had better not be caught by a fashion policy and sentenced to the “Oops” section. You want an independent life partner, you had better never be caught sitting at the passenger’s corner. No be say you no get shishi(shishi means money, not having a dime), you are now looking for Dangote, Adenuga or Dantata’s daughter to marry or you did not go to school and you are looking for a PHD graduate. Kpsheeew.

In the days of yore (I mean the days of our forefather), families select spouses for their children shrewdly and analytically; the family they came from will be checked to ensure there are no mad people to pollute their genes, the beauty of the wives and the virility of the men will also be considered, the financial stability of the man to take care of the woman pre and post pregnancy and children will also be checked, the woman’s capability of not only giving birth to healthy children but carrying them to term and other methodical approach to ensure the marriage will be a success was a huge norm.

People practically get upset when I tell them appearance do matter when choosing a life partner. It may not be the major criteria but it is an important one. If a man likes robust fleshy women with soft palms, why should he not channel his preference towards there? Or why should a girl who was brought up with the fine things of life and who wants kids and also to be a career woman marry a man that believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen, does not want kids and is of the opinion money is not a criteria to love?

It’s so is! You broke a**e stingy penny pinching human excuse! *whew*

So, like I reiterated, when it comes to choosing a life partner, Love has nothing to do with it. Part of it, yes, but it goes beyond heart palpitations, blushing face, wet inner thighs, lush lips and rosy amber eyes.

And most of all, it’s about being sensible and extremely practical. Consider searching for a life partner like drawing up your yearly financial statement. You need to be sure whether the person is an asset or liability or equity.

And for those not aware what life partner means, think about starting your own company with lots of your investment you have channeled into it. You may want to ask yourself: After so much investment, do I want this company to succeed or do I want it to fail and have it go through some merger and acquisition processes?

Your call, your choice, your decision. Nobody else. Yours.

Be wise!

Hard-Work : Sojourn towards Success

“Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success.”  (Napoleon Hill)

“Working hard becomes a habit, a serious kind of fun. You get self-satisfaction from pushing yourself to the limit, knowing that all the effort is going to pay off.”  (Mary Lou Retton)

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”  (Albert Einstein)

It's very easy to look at successful people and discard their achievements as the product of luck (a word I still don’t understand but we Nigerians believe so much in when it comes to making money both legitimately and illegitimately) & having “a good destiny” (Nigerians will  understand this also as it’s part of the mentality we have grown around), being in the right place at the right time or being born with extraordinary talent or having a privileged background and the most ridiculous of all, telling all who care to listen that their mothers must have simply fortified them with some powers and which is why “these rich people” take care of their mothers and other bla bla bla myth cash-strapped mediocre people(I don’t belong here o) use to console themselves on belonging to the lower side  of the success chain.

There is nothing you will not hear my people when people are analysing the bourgeoisie class of the society.

The successful people I mean here are those people that make their money legitimately and through the right channel o. Because it seems yahoo guys and other fraudsters are now being termed “successful” by the public and even the media homes seem to be confusing “being rich” with “being successful”, thereby allowing many illegally wealthy people to be listed as most powerful or most successful in their locale.

Dey dia dey deceive yasef! Your time is coming. Just ask the Lead City University Fraudstar currently in jail & Ade Bendel(even though that one was able to acquire landed properties even while in jail. I was quite young when his name was everywhere but what I remember him to be is a FRAUDSTER. Daz all.

Anybody can actually be rich if money acquisition is all that matters which can be gotten dubiously. But it takes exceptionally deserving individuals to become successful. That is to say, no matter how much ponmo is boiled, it will never be seen as an equal with ifun eran.

People are the greatest deceptors (Immediately I typed that word, I knew it did not exist even before Microsoft word underlined it with that annoying red marker) but I am just too lazy to find a synonym or check Google.

And besides, there is a more pertinent topic at stake jare.

Deceivers! That is the word! Choi. Old age is setting in mehn!

Anyway, as I said earlier, people are the greatest deceivers of themselves. Everyone wants to become rich without sacrificing or doing much. The average man wants to earn so much for so little. That is why you see supposedly educated people buying books on “How to Get Rich in 15days” from a man wearing a very rumpled coat that is a wanna-be blazer, or worse still, pay 4000 over the internet to download a 350 page book on “Step By Step Guide on Becoming as Rich as Linda Ikeji by Blogging”, and some even go the whole extent of attending Workshop Seminars where they squeeze out maybe like 15000 or 20000 to listen to someone who became rich or popular by a one-off venture and still needs to continue to make money and by quick thinking, organise a workshop on “ How to Sell Your Ideas to Those that Matter in the Industry”.

Even the bull is surprised someone will fall for that load of crap.

And the people that fall victims of this money making tactics are usually supposed to be very “learned people”(very relative if you ask me) who though are not aware of it, fall under the crooks, the lazy asses, the mediocre goal getters who want so much out of life for so freaking little.

As an aside, Hubby once had this guy who stayed on their street for many years and who looked up to him for the few wads of naira Hubby doles out to him once in a while. Out of pity on a man unable to fend for himself, Hubby now informed the guy that he could help him get a job so he could boast of  some form of personal cash coming in for him. Anyone will appreciate, right?

Mba o! Not the guy my people, and you know what he told Hubby? His church had told him that his “head & destiny” (that means Ori and Ayanmo) is not meant to work but for people to assist him.

Let’s just say my ever generous Hubby came to his senses after that exchange and became a strong candidate for the three wise men and kept his money for me to add to the money in preparing delicious efo riro and ila alasepo for him rather than waste it on a lazy-boned individual whose future I can already predict without any soothsayer helping out.

But I have digressed.

Because, if you think about it, it is extremely hilarious and disappointing that educated people whose parents or some relatives send to school to make use of their intelligence to make life better for themselves fall victims of Internet scam, fraudulent activities and quick money making workshops that promise them a way of getting a lot out of their society without giving much back either through sweat or through financial commitment.

To understand what I’m saying, simply imagine yours truly who is an avid blogger and with a relatively high number of visitors on my page daily coming up with organising a workshop on “How to Make Your Blog Earn More Money than Linda Ikeji’s Blog”. Are you not supposed to ask me why the organiser like myself does not have a blog that is earning as much as Linda Ikeji's?

Abeg, shey it’s not obvious that I am looking for money to travel to Zanzibar or update my wardrobe nii abi does anyone need to be told this simple logic? How can we even begin to nurse the thought there are short cuts to success?

(Insert Hian here)

At my previous place of employment, we usually receive lots of calls from subscribers who had been duped of their money from their bank accounts by fraudsters and they call in and start threatening to sue the company and ranting on the network for compromising their details.

You should have heard these money-hungry lazy asses in their stupid glory ranting and vituperating about the injustice and raining curses on the fraudsters. But we end up making them swallow their words by simply asking “How did they get your bank details”? And that’s when they start stuttering.

It is usually just a case of, Eni n wafa, a ri ofo. (He who is looking for awoof will discover futility)

Funny, you will be amazed that people who fall victims of this are actually very learned, enlightened but dubious fellows looking for quick ways out of their misery and if you ask me, I am of the opinion that people who are victims of fraudsters are potential pen robbers and fraud menace to the society.  EFCC needs to extend its arm to arresting victims of scams as I really cannot reconcile how someone will call my line and tell me I have won 20 million naira and all I need to do is send a recharge card of 2000 naira or better still, send my bank details AND my debit card details.

Is that not madness? Does it not even put to debate my business intelligence capabilities and ridicule my educational certificate? I mean, if I were to be the CEO of a company and I get to find out that an employee of mine was duped via such means, that is automatic termination of employment especially if the person holds a managerial position.

You are fired mehn!

You will find out that this scam cuts across several classes of people, even rich men & women looking for more money are always duped and bested at their own games and I am amazed that EFCC has not been arresting them because the single question they should be asked should be “What did they promise you in return & what did you give out?

To even come down to the mekunus like us, we go to the market and our ever sharp and cunning Igbo brothers will tell us that they will sell a generator going for 35000 in the market to us at 15000 and we are very happy to pay and we go home with the unbelievable sale only to come back to the Igbo man few days later that it’s no longer working. Lmaoo.

Oga Ade, you just bought something for half the market price and you want the same quality. Abeg, shey na the manufacturer organize the promo? Dem suppose arrest you o.

Is this beginning to sound familiar? Let me break this down for the sanctimonious people who may be reading this and still shaking their head that they do not belong in this category:

1)      Do you respond to text messages from networks saying “Send an SMS to a number to win a certain amount of money?”  (Yeah my brother, you like shortcut gaaan and iseju kan loku tema fi te.)

2)     Are you the type that buy “motivational books” of 1000 naira on “How to Make It Online In 10 days” from a road side sweaty, slippers wearing, long coat buttoned up in the heat elderly man whose formally white but now closer to brown shirt has seen the days of yore?  (Egbon, EFCC needs to arrest all your ancestors because you need to ask the seller why he never read the book he dey sell)

3)     Have you by any chance attended those workshop seminars organised in a family garage for 5999 naira discounted price on “How to Get the Best Jobs in Nigeria and Network with Top CEO’s?” (My dear, you are this close to starting a farm in your paternal village.)

4)     Did you ever call back a number that sent you a text that “You have won the sum of 5 million naira from the just concluded La Casera draw and you should send your bank details to same number or just call 07034677856 and ask for Baba Seki?” (Please I have a qweshion for you alabirin, have you drank La Casera this year and if I may ask further, just how many bottles have you drank and did you apply for any draw? You can’t answer abi? I pity your unborn children’s intellectual capabilities o.)

5)     Have you by any chance dated someone because you saw his/her account balance and the person keeps promising you monetary items which you receive and then use your body to pay back? (Biko, that you are not carrying gun does not stop us from calling you a burglar o. You are a potential armed robber).

There are so many scenarios of such that shows more of stupidity than gullibility of educated people and I wonder whether they actually ask themselves if the successful people they are trying to emulate their success stories made their money from reading ridiculous books and attending unfruitful workshop and seminars.

I wan ask sef, how many of una can beat ya chest and say the money you are making now or the job you are currently on is as a result of that money you spent on the workshop or the book you bought from the road side hawker?

Because if we think am well, all these fraud victims are just educated herbalists who are looking to make quick cash and just because they did not visit Ayelala shrine in Ijebu Ode does not differentiate them from the people that actually make blood money.

And if you ask me, what you are actually looking for is blood money. Plenty cash, less or no work! Succinctly put!

Now, how many successful CEO’s or power wielding executives can you lay claim that their money was made through short cut approaches?(politicians do not count here I assure you because it takes brain, brawns and brightness to con out huge sum of money from the society and still be walking free, so yeah they do not belong here).

I am talking of successful people who actually gave their blood, sweat and tears to become not only rich in terms of money but successful as a result of the amount of legacy they are leaving behind, men of power who know that there are no short cuts to success, men and women who gave it all to get everything, men and women who toiled during the early days of their lives so they can sit today and have huge reasons to look back and know they gave it all it took.  People such as; Tayo Aderinokun of GTB who made GTB what it turned out today and his legacy and memory leaves us in reverence, Oprah Winfrey who started from the scratch from the days of racism but came out though scathed but well worth it,, Ibukun Awosika, an entrepreneur and goal getter after my heart and admiration, Subomi Balogun who turned FCMB into one of the leading banks it still is today, Nimi Akinkugbe a young career and family focused woman that gave not just Nigeria but Lagos its own Monopoly Game(talk about creativity at its peak)  and thereby giving women an opportunity to know that work and family life can actually be balanced out to pan out just fine, Funke Opeke, a Minister and a technology entrepreneur making a name for herself and giving back to the society, Folorunsho Alakija, a billionaire that started out as a secretary but got to become a billonair because she never removed her eyes from her intended goal, Tunde Agbaje who seems to be keeping Aderinokun’s legacy on, (I mean who is not using GTB right now, seriously?) Adedeji Adeleke, a huge philanthropist who is so selfless and generous that at times it hurts to watch the purity of each selfless act of generousity, Wahab Folawiyo, late icon but his Folawiyo Industry lives on, Mike Adenuga, (that is my mentor if only he will acknowledge my existence), a man whose brain, guts, brawn, persistence and never ending success stories knows no limit, Aliko Dangote, who I am certain is an employer to almost a quarter of Nigeria’s population.

These are people that are using what they have to get what they want and achieve what they desire. (Aristos, gigolos, fraudsters, internet scammers who use what they have in terms of artificial beauty, artificial intelligence in every word of it, cunningness, deceit and lies to get what they want DO NOT belong here). I am talking of men and women who are using the educational and professional experience they have garnered over the years to get what they want legitimately and without making people shed tears of woes and disappointment in the process (Enemies & Envious minded people in pain over their success also do not apply here). I am talking about men and women of honour who are giving us that confidence once again in knowing that whatever you desire to achieve, you just need to work hard enough to get it.

Let’s even narrow it down to successful young entrepreneurs we have as of today; men & women making their mark in today’s industry and who are showing us that being born with a silver spoon does not stop the passion and drive to make a name for themselves outside their family wealth or young men & women who may not have grown up with any spoon at all (not even plastic spoon) but are making a name for themselves in their respective fields and doing us proud and creating themselves as mentors every day. These people certainly, did not read a road side motivational book or attended any 4,999 naira workshop seminar and I am very certain they did not make their wealth from responding to any SMS notifying them on a draw they have won of a product they have never used in their lives. I am talking about young entrepreneurial men & women that are turning the face of Nigeria into a better one, men & women showing us consistently what passion, energy, perseverance can achieve. For the extremely techy and information savvy ones, I am talking about the Jason Njoku’s, the Ladi Balogun’s, the Sim Shagaya's, the Opeyemi Awoyemi’s, the Olalekan Olude’s, the  Ayodeji Adewunmi’s, the Seun Osewa’s, the Chude Jideonwo’s, the Adebola Williams, the Bola Fadina’s, the Olayemi Lawal’s, the Jide Adenuga’s the Mark Essien’s, the Sadiya Umar’s, the Linda Ikeji’s, the Aisha Suleiman’s, the Ola Orekunrin’s, the TuFace Idibia’s, the Tiwa Savage’s, the Deborah & Jessica Umunnabuike and even me sef (na una sabi o, na from egg shell chicken start to dey grow o), young men and woman who are branching out and leaving the cocoon of their family to carve a niche for themselves and getting successful and building a legacy at such early ages.

Where do you want to belong? And this one wey technology just dey grow crazy, make my pikin no go ask me 20 years from now that “Mummy, where were you when your mates were making money”? Abegi, make no child go embarrass me.

For those that are still trying to justify the reason for their mediocrity and why they prefer short cut approach to success as it worked for their neighbour who used to live in front of their flat, know this now and quote me later, THERE IS NO SHORT CUT TO SUCCESS EXCEPT THROUGH HARD WORK, SACRIFICE & PERSEVERANCE. 

Abeg, tell our brothers in the East that sacrifice here no be to go Mazi Iweke’s shrine with human heads o. (Seen too many Kanayo .O. Kanayo films while growing up mehn. I can’t look at that guy with normal eyes again. His roles have scarred him in my eyes for life mehn. Loool. Patience Ozorkwor is another story all together)

All the people mentioned above sacrificed their blood, sweat, time, tears and met with several failures, disappointments, let downs, betrayals, but not once did they give up, nor lose sight of the goal. They knew where they wanted to be in few years’ time and they took that first step.

They simply set the ball rolling.

If there is one thing successful people have in common, it’s hard work, perseverance, strong work ethics, and sacrifice.

Work ethics is another topic for another day and one of the major reasons why many people are either unemployable, mediocre, will never get promoted, will always get fired, will never be successful or will simply not be relevant. Many do not know this and are going about with empty, non-existing professional ethics and are yet to be aware that the only ladder they may ever climb successfully will be the one beside the NEPA pole on their street.

But like I said, that’s another topic for another time.

So, if you really want to drive that latest Porsche, Bugatti, Chrysler, (abeg na the spelling be that?) and the latest cars, have several buildings on Banana Island, you need to work hard and change your professional ethics.

And truth is even if you go through short cut, you will NEVER have that exhilarated feeling knowing that you gave your sweat and blood(not otokoto kind of blood giving o) to be able to sit behind the steering and enjoy the fruit of your labour.

Nothing beats that comfort of knowing that what you have amassed in terms of wealth and achievement right now, you have actually worked for and earned it righteously. That is where your confidence, your triumph, your success stories will stem from. That is what differentiates a rich person from a successful one.

But at the end of the day, it is still your choice. Do you want to be just rich and still have to introduce yourself? Or do you want to be successful and simply let your success story and triumphant achievements walk through the door before you and do the introduction on your behalf?

Like I said, it’s your choice. As for me, I have taken that first step. Getting there is most def a giving!

OCD Dominated: Diary of the Harassed Wife.

Before the wool was removed from my hard-working eyes

Before you oooooh and aaaaaah and aaaaaw over the unadulterated look of adoration being exchanged in the picture above, I feel I should let you know this is a very old picture, like almost a year old. You can even say picture was taken on our wedding day.

That’s for those that didn't deduce that fact from what we were adorning in the picture and as I hate assumption of any form, I have decided to inform all that it’s a wedding picture. Lool

Choi! See how I was just grinning foolishly with love in this picture. 

Poor me, I didn't know what was in store for me!

That I was about to marry the man of my dreams but with oppositional house organisation: Someone that can be termed as "alapa ike".

At times, I wonder if God looked down at us when we were getting married and just started laughing hysterically and probably saying to Angel Gabriel and Angel Michael that “Hey yaa, shey we should tell her or not? Or we should let her marry him and let her find out herself?” And Angel Gabriel must have replied that, “Abeg, let her marry him jare. She will find out herself”. And God would have said “Well, this promises to be fun”.

Dear God, a head start warning for make sense small o.

Anyway, this picture is not to convey my present state of emotion, far from it! In fact, some might even be right if they say that what I felt this morning before leaving for work was the total opposite of what seems to be the main emotion being openly displayed in this picture of me and Hubby above.

This morning was extremely trying and frustrating. 

And before you start casting that proverbial stone, hear me out first.

Well, your choice really!

Hubby & I just moved into a bigger apartment and that house change is gradually opening the yansh of the chicken and confirming what I always knew that“maybe we should have just stayed in that compact serviced apartment we were staying where I didn't notice if hubby did anything or not since someone was cleaning up after us(more after him though)”. Because this house change is fast revealing my Hubby in his glorious truest form: An exaggerated domestically challenged male specie that cannot, scratch that, that WILL NOT engage in any household chores even If monetary reward was attached to it.

I swear down. That guy no sabi do anything remotely related to house chores.

On the day we moved, I am not exaggerating when I say hubby did not lift ANYTHING. 

Wow, I just lied there. Apologies for that. He actually lifted something.

HIS WALLET!  

Oh yes, not forgetting he also lifted his several balls of Akara and Bread he ate that morning while I was busy slaving away in ensuring our house was well arranged. And when he was done with his meal and done chatting via his phone, he got, nope, he took, nah, not the right word, he YANKED 3 pillows  from underneath the bags I was still unpacking thereby disrupting arrangements of several clothing that were then unceremoniously scattered everywhere as a result , removed the duvet from its nylon pack and threw the nylon in the passage, right beside the empty dustbin, laid it in one of the still empty rooms, plugged the rechargeable fan, adjusted his annoying frame on the duvet and my hubby of approximately 8months and 16 days promptly dozed off!!! Without any care in the world as to who would unpack the many loads of bags and cartons downstairs!

I almost called my mother-in-law to wail about the unfairness of not warning me ahead.

Don't get me wrong o. I knew when it came to house-chores that Hubby will never win any award o but come on! Who sleeps while wifey is unpacking many bags and cartons of loads?

It is so inhumane and evil!

I am telling you my people. If you had even listened closely, you would have heard his snores from downstairs where I was slaving off trying to arrange my kitchen to suit my taste and sweating to ensure I was done by evening.

My hubby didn't care o judging by the sounds I could still hear. I should have poured cold water on him that day!

When my “adorable” hubby woke from his slumber, he actually called me (via phone my people, as coming downstairs physically was not an option he wanted to consider) to grumble on how hungry he was and whether he could get something to eat and why I was not acting like a responsible wife and making his meal ready before he woke and I think he mentioned something about me being a disgrace to the wives community and deceiving him into marrying me thinking I was going to be at his every beck and call. He even mentioned something about collecting his dowry back sef! Can't remember what exactly.

True to God. No be lie!

The Neanderthal male species would have hailed him on with pride while slapping him on the back for such archaically rendered speech.

And oh yes, he also wanted to know why there were bags of dirt outside the living room and the need for me to hurry as we needed to be done before evening as he was getting cranky and could feel a headache coming.

Y’all should have seen my face. 

You know that look of shock, stupefaction and finally dangerously calculated look women adorn when house chore-phobic Hubbies utter things that ordinarily should not even come from them as they are not even justified both morally and even legally to say them?

Daz right!

Na that kain look I get for face on that Saturday morning as my Hubby of many months open mouth dey yarn on the importance of swift efficiency while I was looking at him still trying to adjust his position on the duvet and on my pillows.

Three fluffy pillows for that matter o! Unbeatable laziness!!!Who sleeps with 3 pillows on a busy Saturday afternoon?

Oh that’s right! My Hubby does!

My people, at that moment, I would have gladly advocated for legal violence in marriage by striking the first blow as I watched those unsolicited words sleekly and eloquently selected, emanate straight from darling Hubby’s mouth.

And the sad thing was that, because he was everywhere delegating tasks and moving about in a dizzy manner with no specific task at hand and basically up on my face and my space, checking to ensure I was doing what my specie had repeatedly been said to have done since time immemorial while his own hands were pristine, it was appearing to everyone that came into our house like he was the one doing most of the tasks so he kept getting “e ku ise sir”, “e pele sir”, “o ti ma reyin gan”.

And I was mentally like: WHAT ABOUT ME????? THIS GUY JUST WOKE FROM A LAZY SLUMBER PEEPS!!!! AFTER EATING AKARA & BREAD! How he no go get headache???

Jeeeeez!

Omo, I had to think back to our marriage vows o and whether annulment will still work after 8 months marriage "bliss" if I present my case well in front of a very reasonable all female jury who also once moved houses without their hubbies lifting a finger.

So this was what our mothers meant when they said a woman must tolerate, persevere and be patient!

Haaa, mi o nigba mehn!

I still had this dull thought in my mind throughout that day whether I could win the case if I push for alimony sha o.

Little did my hard-working self know that it was actually the beginning of domestic house-chore clashes.

We have now spent barely a week in our non-serviced but bigger house and I have committed all kinds of unmentioned violent acts to hubby in my mind. It was as if the move unleashed all the hidden challenges Hubby had with completing chores or most importantly, closing things he opened.

Emphasis on things people, emphasis on THINGS!!!

Oh, many of his actions are mundane, to say the least but they are those tiny acts that got some hubbies thrown out of the rooms into the sitting room to sleep for days, without breakfast, lunch or dinner, have Codeine/Valium infused into their meals just to get them away from you for a while, pierce the tyres of their best cars, put shampoo in their toothbrushes, add salt to their cups of tea instead of sugar, put extra pepper in their already peppery stew, boil their water to boiling point but tell them water is cold and all other actions that women from the days of yore have used to maintain their sanity.

I didn't do any of the above o..... At least not yet!

I mean, how hard is it to have men(I use the term "men" loosely, it can be interchanged to mean husbands, or better still, simply infuse Hubby's name here) secure the lock of every door they open, turn off the switch they turned on at night before sleeping, turn off the bathroom heater after the rites of bathing is over, put down the toilet lid if not in use, place the hangar back in its rack after removing their clothes and not throw it in every corner of the house and have you step on their sharp edges sometime later, put the hair comb where they took it from, close the lid of their body lotions and hair cream after use, cover their cologne after spraying, pick up after their stocking, boxers and singlet and not strew them all over the room, put the towel on its rack so it can dry faster, put the dirty clothes INSIDE the laundry basket and not beside it, wash their plates in the sink if wifey is not around and not necessarily leave in the sink till wifey comes home, 8 hours after, take their towels with them into the bathroom and not shout their wives’ name from across the hall, know where all the kitchen utensils are kept so they do not have to call their wives during work hours to know where the salt, pots, seasonings, or most importantly, where the house key that they actually kept the night before is located and if wifey by any chance knows where HE kept it? 

Who does that????? Who? Oh yeah, my Hubby does!

No be small matter o.

What almost shattered the back of the camel occurred this morning as I was almost close to tears when hubby decided to switch cars with me and in the process, took almost 20mins getting his stuff out of his car into mine. Something he should have done the night before, abi? 

Hian! Not my Hubby!

I was vibrating with barely quelled anger.

And he looked so innocently childlike & genuinely perplexed like he didn't understand why I do not share in his idle pace walking mode of moving things into the other car, on Wednesday morning. And after making me suffer (yes I suffered. You all know Lagos traffic na. One minute later and you will face the greatest traffic of your life) for unaccountable lost minutes that even he could not account for and I was finally driving down the street  with my anger quietly seething but getting doused, he called me again to plead I stop and park ahead as he left his ear phones in the car I was driving and needed to retrieve it.

My people, na today I know say my tolerance level high gan nii. My mum would have been proud.

I could distinctly hear the wives community clapping for me with bata drums in the background and Wasiu Ayinde singing my praises, that's if I close my eyes and listen really really well. 

Suffice to say my boss got to work before me. 

I am still not certain how I am going to cope with him and having to raise an actual legitimate baby!

Oh! Just the thought!

*shudders*