Still on the Awoof Matter: #Fall Yakata Christmas Sale#

Na wah for people o, especially us, Nigerians. Una too like awoof.

Habatically!

When I spent hours coming up with articles to paste on my blog just to make people laugh, na beg we take beg o say make una read. Na by force sef the blog views dey take reach 500 per day.

When I write funny blogs (abi iz not funny nii?) to make everyone laugh and drown the stress of Nigeria, hian! Una no gree. And it’s not like it’s my fault if your problems are far outweighing my funny posts o.

I posted Christmas sales and suddenly, my blog views pass Linda Ikeji & Bella Naija’s own (they told me themselves na). As the views kept increasing, the questions started trooping in per second basis. Even peeps that have never as much said hello, I suddenly became important. Funny questions started coming, “How are you?”(Do you even know my name?), “I have missed you o” (never seen this person before in my life), “How’s that your fine husband by the way?”(Who in God’s name are you talking about? You don see am before?), “How’s your mother in law?”(If anything happens to her, you are finished because I know you DO NOT know her from any angle. Who asks for one’s mother in law ahn ahn?”). One even went ahead to ask, “How are your children & their nanny?” (Na you carry them for womb within that space of time? And Nanny? Seriously? Because of fall Yakata sales?”).

Anyway, after the Christmas sales post, the small talk became bastardised and I was assaulted with them. When all ridiculous enquiries have been exhausted, the questions started coming in droves, “what time is it starting”? (You no dey read your mail or the website no clear for ya computer?), “Am I to pay on delivery or instant payment online”? (Your question take style legit sha), “Can I get a TV, Gen and Inverter during this sale?” (Na wah o, people are wicked sha. So after the sale, make all of us for company close down go dey sell Moringa seed abi? Awon ota aje), “Can I give you cash for 15 Tecno phones so I resell?” (Haaaa, aiye yii ma nika o. 15 tecno phones!!! Only one perzin. May God judge you o!), “Teju, can I pay some money to your account so you help make purchase of a list of items I will send to your mail as soon as it is 9:00am on Friday”? (Rara, I will not only stay by the computer to quickly purchase them, I will even take the whole day off so I can shop for you. Lemme even send my boss the mail now to notify him in advance. Ika eniyan).

Trust me, the questions were endless. Some people are even upset with me already sef and have yanked me off their bb and Facebook, and even LinkedIn o, just because I refused to give them the address of the location where all the goods are situated, as they want to come and pick by themselves.( Na bend down select? )Haaaa! People are wicked. Should such people make heaven, like seriously, should they? Despite the fact that prices are going to be slashed ridiculously and even out of wedlock for that matter, they want discount again. You do not even need to pay o when the dispatch delivers to you. Just collect what your ancestors have worked for from him. Ahn ahn!

Anyway, I was able to liaise with the team responsible for the advent of this upcoming sale and they were able to come up with some FAQ’s to attend to some raised queries.

However, if after reading the FAQ’s below and your answer does not seem to be included, it is very possible your question was so ridiculous I just did not bother to forward to the necessary team, or the answers are simply being formed from the scratch and like evolution, it is just being formed, letter by letter. We sent a mail to Albert Einstein regarding your question and he is yet to respond. Please hold as your enquiries are important to us. Kindly exercise patience while we try and come up with the appropriate responses by Tuesday December 3^rd 2013.

I hope that date is okay by you?

O better!

 FAQ's on the #Fall Yakata Christmas Sale#

Q- What is the meaning of Fall Yakata? 

A- It is Pidgin English adverb for finish; totally; utterly; completely. An example is: “All the prices will fall yakata on Konga.com”.

Q-When will the Fall Yakata Sale begin?

A-The Fall Yakata Sale will officially start on Black Friday Nov 29, 2013 at 9am, and end on Cyber Monday Dec 2, 2013.

Q- Is the Fall Yakata Sale real? (Na photoshop. Stay there make dem buy everything finish o)

A-Yes! Yes! Yes! Konga is known for bringing the best and biggest deals and this time we are doing it in grand style  

Q- How can I pay for my goods for Fall Yakata?

A- The different payment methods available on Konga are; Pay on delivery, via bank transfer/deposit into your wallet and with your debit card. These different methods have their lag times so you can decide on the best method that will give you the best chance of participating in the limited time deals.

Q- How fast will the prices of goods go up?

A- So if you don’t already know, some of the deals available on the Fall Yakata page will be limited time deals and their availability will be subject to stock and the times set for them.  

Q- Can I pay from outside the country?

A-International MasterCard is available on Konga.com, so Yes! You can shop with your international MasterCard and get it delivered to a location in Nigeria.  

Q- Will Fall Yakata hold all day?

A-Fall Yakata will hold from Black Friday Nov 29, 2013 at 9am, and end on CyberMonday Dec 2. 2013 but deals are subject to availability of stock.  

Q-Is the Sale strictly within Lagos?

A-No! Konga operates nationwide so Fall Yakata will be available nationwide  

Q- Are items limited? (before nko? You want us to run down ba?)

A-Items available for the Fall Yakata Sale are limited, so the faster you shop, the better your chances of enjoying the discounts bound by time.

Q- Is it fastest fingers first? (Na wah o. How else will the sales reach na if everbody use google browser? Abeg let some people use Internet explorer jo. Fiiiine, that was not what they said jo)

A-Most of the deals on Fall Yakata will be limited time deals so to avoid being beaten out of a deal by someone else; you need to be right on time!

Q- Why Is Konga having the Fall Yakata Sale? (How many times will you ask na? Abi na me post twice nii?)

A-Fall Yakata is an opportunity for us to say a big thank you to all our customers for making us the number one shopping destination this year.

Q- What are the specific items going on sale in the Fall Yakata Sale? (E be like say I don see this question before o. Na my eyes dey double nii?)

A special page has been created for the yakata sale, and when you visit the http://konga.com/yakata page on black friday, you will be automatically redirected to the special yakata page with all the deals.

Q- Is the Sale strictly within Lagos? (Ok, something is wrong with my eyes. Is it me or have I seen this question above?)

A-No! Konga operates nationwide so Fall Yakata will be available nationwide

Q-How long will goods ordered in the Fall Yakata Sale take to reach me?

A-Goods ordered on Konga take a period of 1 to 3 days for some items (Within Lagos), 3 to 5 days for some items (Outside Lagos) and may take longer for some other items. We will always keep you in the loop when there are any delays in delivering your items (which do not happen often). The biggest deals available in the fall Yakata sale will be the Sony Playstation 4 and the Techno Phantom A+ which will go for N60,000 and N19,000 respectively sometime during the Fall Yakata Sale.

I am sure some people will still not be satisfied with the questions above o. So, feel free to drop all questions in the comment box below and I will try not to make my responses sarcastic. At least, make I try do some small sales and who knows! I fit get bonus.

Remember, to participate in the sale you need to visit http://konga.com/yakata

Because, some will still ask, “please what is the link again?”

E no pass something una fit do.

As an aside, please be informed the sarcastic comments included within the FAQ’s have no intention of insulting anyone but rather to create humour while getting the message being passed across. All questions sent to me have been answered within the FAQ’s so abeg before asking any more qweshions, be sure it haff been answered above.

And by the way, I hope the humour in this advert is appreciated as I know someone reading this might have a flat tyre on the way home, or those yellow buses may remove your bumper, or worse still, you forget to use your seat belt and awon ibeji Fashola will do the needful and after managing to get home after parting with over 10k, there will be no electricity and the generator will refuse to start and the gas would have been exhausted and phone batteries will be totally out.

So be nice and print out this article, but ensure you share the article first.

Over & out.

Alien words used within the article:

Awoof - Love of free things, anything at all that will cost next to nothing, or nothing, if given the chance.

Na wah- There is really no meaning to this meaningless phrase.

Una too like awoof - Phrase meaning one loves the thought of free things. And I am not talking about water and air. I am referring to cases where one can get something that ordinarily one has not earned or worked for but hoping to get the best out of it. In this case/article, awoof refers to a totally unbelievably & ridiculously low price.

Na beg we take beg  o- meaning one is pleading excessively than the required dosage per day. That's why some people float on air.

Hian- A word expressing scorn like anger. It is usually said while making a funny click of both hands.

Ota aje- Enemy of progress. They exist everywhere o. Just look closely, especially people that price items sinfully, like cutting down price of product from 5000 to 1500.

Aiye yii ma nika o- A phrase expressing the state of wickedness in the world.

Ika eniyan – meaning a wicked person and usually said with the nose slightly turned up on one side.

Awon Ibeji Fashola- Lagosians will know who they are. Hehehehe. Turn to a Lagosian today and start a conversation with the question: "Who is referred to as "awon ibeji Fashola?". And who knows, that may be your spouse you will be asking. Loool

Maami, Baami: my charity teachers

1. You told me: “I MUST be religious”. There are no options. I still am. Well, mum-in-law may disagree sha. And you too Maami. I believe in God though.

2. If I missed any meal because I was angry and sulking, I would not be eating for the rest of the day.

3. You always came first while in school, even though you never showed me any certificate to prove this, so coming first for me in every school activity was not a request. You made sure I made it happen, though after several failures AND after several beatings my buttocks got anyway.

4. I learnt how to do all house-chores before I was 15years old. At a point, I even doubted you were my parents and probably thought that I was a house help. Such was the rigorousness of the house chore duties instilled in me. (I need no one to tell me this upbringing birthed my present need for perfect organisation in every area of my life)

5. Anybody birthed before me MUST NEVER, EVER be addressed by name. It does not matter if it was just for some few days. They came to earth before me? Addressing them with "Auntie", "Sister" or "Broda" was a MUST. And I got the message after some few knocks and slaps here and there.

6. When I was about to get married, 70% of your guests were people/relatives I have never met and will probably never see again. And yes, it was my wedding and I may have contributed but you birthed me, so you called the shots where the guests were concerned. With you, no matter the status, you gave birth to us and so, you have earned the right to call the shots. Ko si story.

7. It was and still is a taboo to be seated while an elderly person has no place to sit. I got the message early in life and this, I have inculcated in my daily dealings.

8. All my guests/friends had better curtsey or prostrate flat on the ground in a proper manner while greeting you, especially you Maami, when visiting, otherwise I had better start looking for new friends.

9. All the times I told you some funny jokes or related an incident that happened to someone I knew, you always turned it into life lessons that was narrowed down to something I did in the past or something you suspected I was capable of doing.

10. I received punishment for an act I was yet to commit just by you thinking I would commit it if given the chance. I termed it "punishment in advance".

11. When you both called my names in full, especially you Baami, I always knew I was finished.

12. You told me I had better be the best in class. And I tried not to use the phrase "everybody failed it daddy. Nobody passed" after you sent me series of slaps that usually cause shock and disorientation to me for some minutes.

13. Everything you did, it was usually for my own good, be it whipping, slapping, or punishment, it was usually for my own good. I will pass this on to my grandchildren Baami, that I will.

14. When guests visited or we visited guests and they gave me cash when leaving, you would collect from me and let me know you would keep in the bank for me for future use. Maami, Baami I want to believe I should be richer than Dangote by now because you have not transferred the entire amount collated to my account. And whenever I asked, you told me to make an expense report of all you had spent on me while growing up. Baami, Maami, diz is not fair.

15. Whenever you called my name three times and you asked "How many times did I call you?" I ensured I got the answer right otherwise that lengthened my punishment or strokes of the cane.

16. You never believed in bullying. I dared not come home to say I was bullied because that would earn me more punishment for being slow. Which is why I was never bullied and I became somewhat a bully myself. No child of Baami & Maami was slow. No child.

17. I NEVER talked back at you. Even when it seemed like you were asking a question that went like, "Do you think I am stupid or insane?” It was not a question. It was a DARE. I never took it.

18. It was an abomination to eat outside. Even when I was visibly starving and I was asked whether I was hungry. Won bi mi da. I always said no. Baami, Maami, I hardly eat outside the home now. You will be proud at how disciplined I am towards outside feeding.  

19. I understood sign languages early in life eyin obi rere. And how whenever you gave me a side look, I was able to decipher what it meant. Baami, Maami, kids of today, won ti baje pata pata. I don't think kids of nowadays even understand that in those days, when your mother "eyed" you, you should know you are dead, or will come close to it. 

20. “When choosing careers, "it must be a professional one”, you told me. Hehehehehe. If you refuse to be a doctor, a Lawyer or an Engineer, forgerrit...you have no business in school, you somehow communicated to me though not in words. Emabinu eyin obi rere. They were not my calling nii jare. But I am married to a Lawyer Baami. So I am one by association. loool.

21. It was an abomination to watch TV beyond 8 PM. 

22. It was a sin and an abomination to eat, write or collect anything with my left hand. Grandma corrected aburo's own and she is still intelligent, despite several warnings that children who are corrected by changing their hands will turn out psychologically traumatised. “Iranu nii gbogbo iyen jare”, I can hear you say Grandma. You would have been disgusted.

23. You ensured I gave thanks THE NEXT DAY & the next & the one after that, to whoever gave me gifts or cash. At a point, it attracted punishment if I did not do so as you would even ask the person whether I had showed appreciation.  For you, you ensured I kept showing appreciation until the person categorically told me to stop. I still do that. Kids of nowadays, iro o. They collect like it’s their entitlement abi ere ise baba won ni won gba. You will love my In-laws too as they are worse off. Hubby is still thanking me for something I got for him before our wedding. I get scared giving him gifts as a result. The appreciation usually survives the gifts. 'aseju tinzz#

25. Baami, you taught me the art of self-sufficiency and independence. You told me "better for people to beg from you than for you to beg from people". I do not beg from people Baami. People call it pride but I got that lesson loud and clear and it’s paying off.

26. Maami, you always told me the husband is the head of the house. Very true Maami, very very true. You just never told me there will be days when I will feel like hitting that “head” with so many objects and all at once. You never told me Maami. Ko da o.

Baami, Maami - A native name used in addressing one's folks. Baami stands for Dad while Maami stands for Mother.

Ko si story - This simply means no negotiation or explanation needed as message is clear.

Won bi mi da - A phrase meaning one dares not indulge in something or attempt something due to reverence for a certain situation or subject in question.

Eyin obi rere - A phrase that literally means "good parents"  and used in acknowledging the worth of one's parents.

Emabinu - meaning "please don't be upset/angry"

Forgerrit - coinage for the term "forget it" and could also mean, "don't even think about it".

Iranu nii gbogbo iyen jare - This phrase can simply be surmised to mean "arrant nonsense"

Ere ise baba won nii won je _ means "they are reaping the works of their father". However, phrase was used as intended sarcasm.

Aseju tinzz - Term used for overzealousness

Ko da o - Simply means "this is not good/nice" or better phrased as "this is so not fair".

Konga.com's "Fall Yakata" Christmas Sale is going to be the Baddest Sale Everrrrrr In Nigeria.

Guess what??????

Winner gets a gift! 

Nobody?

Too bad!

Anyway...............................

Something is coming, something big from Konga.com, and it’s the #baddestsaleeverliveth.

Konga.com is bringing Black Friday and Cyber Monday Super Sales to Nigeria and they are calling it “Fall Yakata” Christmas Sale.

What is Yakata? Yakata means totally, utterly, completely, e.g “All the prices don fall Yakata”

You may have heard of Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales in the US and Europe? Yes?

Well, Konga.com is bringing you two days of similar mind blowing slash of prices like the above famous sales event. Imagine the Play Station 4 being sold for N60,000 instead of N138,000 regular prices, Ruby Woo lipstick normally sold for N4,000 sold for N2,000 or Tecno Phantom A+ phone that is N39,000 sold for only N19,000. You will find Christmas clothes that are normally sold for N30,000 selling on Fall Yakata sale for only N10,000.

Remember, it’s going to be the baddest sale ever in Nigeria and it will be happening from 9:00am on Friday November 29^th _to 7pm on Monday December 2^nd, 2013.

Simply visit www.konga.com/Yakata  now!

N:B: I know some bad belles will say I have been paid millions to do this advertisement. Na una sabi o. This is where I work so it's only fair, abi?

Tejflow: Personality Disorder Facts

1) I am very, very, very, very very, very impatient. (This is prominently more visible when I am behind the wheels driving on the streets of Lagos.)

2) I have road rage. (I know all invectives in existence, both native and foreign and I make use of them when driving on Lagos roads. I mean those danfo drivers are lunatics and unworthy to be on any road! And thankfully I haven't cultivated the habit of giving the middle finger when I want to feel posh or when driving on the island or the "waka" when I am in the suburbs)

3) I am an organized freak. (All or nothing)

4) I'm a complete intellectual snob. I don’t even bother to hide it anymore. (So If I call you my friend, then I'm happy to inform you that you passed the test for stupidity sieve)

5) I believe in looking directly into people' eyes when talking to them. (I consider it a cowardly act when talking to someone and you throw furtive darting looks around like a skulking thief.)

6) I am a sucker for extreme intelligence. And to also be able to speak impeccably? (Honey, you had me at Hello!).

7) People with mood swings are interesting to watch and I find them "BIPOLAR"-ically fascinating. (I can't understand the concept of being happy at 9:00am and by 9:13am, you are sad and by 9:35, you are smiling and when it is 10:00am prompt, the witch of Bel-Air or the people pursuing them from their village decide to come out and start the 4th world war. There needs to be a name and some prescriptive pills for such disorder.)

8) I am a Doubting Thomas. Even when the answer is glaring, I must double check. Scepticism has gotten me this far. (This means I usually see the glass as half empty rather than half full and probably the only person that believes it will rain on a wedding day, thunderstorms with unstoppable showers during a naming ceremony, Sand swirls during an outdoor birthday party or that the plane will not take off on time when zombies are approaching the airport.(world war Z tinzzzz)

9) I am unhealthily hot tempered and it scares the s**t outta me what I am capable of doing during these special fits. (But you have to have been extremely special or very stupid to have ever witnessed me in a rage. The outcome is usually not good)

10) I'm not a reward/money only-motivated person at all. (Which probably explains why I do not have up to ten million naira anywhere, whether property or cash. I believe in passion more than reward. Because at the end of the day, when you love what you do so much and put your best in it, the money will smoothly follow. Abeg o, that I wrote ten million is just to form papaz o and not show the level of my brokeness. Shingbai, I no get for account o. If anyone should throw me to the floor, the only metal clang you will hear will either be the sound of my teeth or my waist belt. Shishi, e no dey. Biko)

11) I have no desire to be filthy rich. (More money comes with peculiar problems that never go away if I may say. I just don’t want to have to choose between paying some bills and buying food to eat. I am also aware this opinion may change when I become as rich as Croesus)

12) I hate seeing people dig into their nose to pull out God knows what, or bite their nails. (They are very filthy habits. Cannibals in training is what comes to mind at such sight.

13) I am tough skinned. (That is to say, it is totally worthless shouting at me as I usually become fascinated by the many veins popping out of your face while your eyes turn red and I see smoke coming out of your ears. Isn't that sight just a beauty to behold!...lol)

14) I am a hopeless romantic. (I won’t even bother to go into details the embarrassing things I have done in the name of love. Just believe I can be soapy where love is concerned. Hey, I almost sang to Hubby during our wedding ceremony, but the horror and embarrassing torment he will face from his friends stopped me. And the fact that my bridal train was not willing to watch the embarrassment my voice will cause him, and them.)

15) I get bored easily & very restless if I must say. Needless to say, I am allergic to b**llshit and can develop a convenient amnesia when you are talking and I simply switch on my look of interested attention while I am probably in another planet. (That's why I stopped watching Indian movies. Kilo fa gbogbo iranu yen mehn?)

16) I can’t tolerate spoilt children with bad manners. (It’s really offensive when some kids lack etiquette and basic courtesy. That should be the first training a mother/father should pass on to their offspring, not a green or red passport, or the latest gadget. Crap! When I meet a child, I am not impressed by the accent they have or the beauty of their clothes or whether they school somewhere expensive. Show me manners and courtesy and I am wowed. And what’s with that nonsense of carrying some children and they just start crying/yelling and will not stop until their folks take them back? Oshisco!)

17) I am probably the only human (sometimes I wonder if I am) left on earth that handle pressure extremely well. (I have always been told I look very bright and sharp at the end of a mind sapping day, with some unhidden accusing glares thrown my way and probably suspecting I "weed" out the stress. Far from it. I have simply decided nothing is worth losing my extremely hot and valuable temper over. Absolutely nothing)

18) I have become too arrogant to tell a lie. (For me lying is a sign of weakness so if I lie to you, it means I fear you and the last time I checked, apart from the flying cockroaches and lizards, I fear no one. It takes boldness and confidence to say the truth and you really have to be special for me to lie to you. No one's worth that stress of trying to remember the lies told. No one.)

19) You have five minutes (actually less than five) to make an impression on me. Kindly ensure your diction is impeccable and you better smell real good while yakking away. (Remember the impatience and restlessness mentioned above? Exactly!)

20) Given the opportunity to choose between career and something else, career will take the trophy. Something else will lose. (All the time and uncontested for that matter)

21) I hate ass kissers, butt lickers. (I think it is really disgusting when you do not tell the people that matter the actual state of things. Really, what's the worst that could happen?)

22) If indulged, I have bullying/manipulative tendencies. (Years spent methodically breaking down situations have given me the ability to understand the different perspectives at play and how they can work together or against each other. I try so much to suppress this part. And no point bringing it out really as Hubby already knows this side of me exists so what's the point. He would have been the perfect victim.)

23) And how can I forget that I have an answer for everything (Jeez, the look on hubby's face when I come up with classic come backs is comical. I am sure the poor guy must have shot me a million times in his mind Sometimes, I feel for him...lol)

24) I have a huge & strong sense of loyalty. I am an apostle of loyalty. Peeps rarely have a second chance at hurting me. Truth is I have never been hurt twice. Ever. Once is enough and then off to the gallows (This means I take betrayal & deceit really seriously. And even when everyone has gotten over it, including the person betrayed, I am still indignant and appalled at the audacity.)

25) I believe I am knowledgeable of all around me & smart with ability to deal with any situation whatsoever. Some call it being eclectic. (Was actually just trying to eat the humble pie. I KNOW I am knowledgeable and smart)

26) When I am in an embarrassing situation or very upset, I stammer very badly and my speech becomes slightly impeded. (I speak very articulately and carefully because of this especially when I am upset. The first time Hubby saw this side of me, he almost had a fit and nearly collapsed out of guilt. He tries not to upset me any more though and boy, do I take advantage of it!)

27) I am good at playing politics when the situation calls for it. I believe sometimes it pays to be under estimated. That way people don't see you coming. (I learnt this from Hubby)

28) I have actually doled out tips in the past (This, I also learnt from Hubby. News Flash: He is a very bad influence) even though I don’t believe in tipping. I am of the opinion that, this was how bribery and corruption began, people expecting to be tipped for a service they have already been paid to do.

29) I am saving towards spending a weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel someday. ALONE!!!! (I don’t want anyone dulling my shine when I finally get to meet Idris Elba, Ryan Gosling, Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Reynolds, George Clooney, Channing Tatum, Gerard Butler & Hugh Jackman)

30) When I am speaking with a foreigner, my accent automatically switches between British, American and French. (Don’t I wish!!! Hubby says I simply sound like a confused compact disc player and he is certain the person I am speaking to will be worried that I am about to break out in the Windeck dance)

31) Almost everything in my life either falls under extreme organization or total disarray, no middle-ground. As I grew older, it got worse. (Ironically, I married my exact opposite.)

32) If I hadn't met hubby, I am fairly certain I will not have gotten married any time within the next 10years. (Yup, I cherish my space, freedom and privacy too much.)

33) My level of independence scares me and it will probably take lots of years to depend on someone. ( I take some decisions alone at times before remembering the ring on my finger.)

34) I laugh a lot and find humour in the most mundane things, especially sarcasm. (I am attracted to anything/anyone with a freaking huge sense of humour with plenty dashes of sarcasm here & there. Hubby says I am just a sad person. He hates sarcasm)

35) I used to detest smokers. And that smell, gosh! (Not any more by the way for some reasons best known to me. And nope, I do not smoke).

36) There's no excuse for cheating, really. Which is why I usually find it extremely hilarious when a cheating partner is caught and says “It’s not what you think dear”. Lmaoo (When you are caught, face it squarely joor and be ready to suffer the consequences. Coming up with pitiful lies makes you appear weak & disposable. You can cheat but cannot face the blame? Come on! Ode somebody)

37) I'm not as tough as people think. (I have an extremely mushy soft side that cry during touchy scenes in India films and Titanic and even at times when I am being shouted on.)

38) I am a huge contradiction of myself and I refuse to believe I am confused or slightly schizophrenic...Yaba Left tinzzzz (I am shy but very outgoing, happy in my own company but still need some sort of approval from others sometimes, healthy in some areas and unhealthy in some others, I am quiet yet can be boisterous when need be, I like the concept of entrepreneurship, but I also like the firm structure of a 9-5 career, and so many other contradictory stuffs.)

39) I am an optimist and a pessimist, all rolled up in one. (I believe that the wedding will hold but that it will rain when the couple is about to dance into the venue. I believe that the awards night event will hold but the compère will fall flat on her face while ascending the podium and other unbelievable optimistic yet embedded in pessimism thoughts.)

40) I love difficult tasks. (The more difficult, the more it holds my interest. Challenge accepted!)

41) I love to cook but can't eat it afterwards ( seriously who does that, spend hours cooking and then eating something else afterwards?)

42) I love to read novels, watch movies and listen to music AT THE SAME TIME( maybe it's because I have the attention span of a mosquito.)

43) Any man can be wooed/seduced, no matter the relationship status. Yup, that's the truth.(Just takes the right, or the wrong woman in some certain situations)

44) There is a feminist hidden somewhere in me. (No explanation. I just know.)

45) I don’t like alcohol. There’s no reason for this. I just don’t.

46) I know that my life is going to encounter a series of extremely positive events in the next 36 months. (nope, not a soothsayer but I will simply be reaping from where/what I am currently sowing)

47) I can be self-absorbed and selfish if/when I want/choose to be. “If you are not taking care of yourself, you will definitely not be in a position to help any other person. What you do not have, you can certainly not give”. (Loool. That’s a quote I use whenever I want to justify my selfishness)

I was actually aiming for 50 disorders by the way. But after this surmise, I would leave you to fill in the last 3 qualities you think I may have and then let me know..

Outta here...

Okafor's Law: Giver or Recipient?

Hubby believes Exes should not necessarily be deleted out of one’s life just because a relationship did not work out. He believes in keeping in touch with them all, no matter the level of hurt experienced in the relationship.

Hian! Keep in touch fire!

Me? I am an ardent believer of throwing the baby out with the bath water o, especially if that baby hurt me wella. That is to say, if you hurt me or somehow toy with my heart and still expect me to be on friendly terms with you, you are really sitting on a very long dangerous thing. Suffice to say, I do not have any ex’s contact on my phone. Hubby thinks I need Jesus and the spirit of forgiveness coupled with divine intervention in my life.

Story!

I am aware many people (especially guys) will think I am overreacting but ah, temi yemi o. (I understand my own) People do not seem to understand the hold an ex has over one. I will rather leave Hubby in the room with Kim Kardashian than with an ex that the relationship did not end because they both discovered they are related by blood.

Ko jo mehn!

Time has shown that Okafor’s law will always come to play at the least expected moment. And I discovered that many ladies (except me sha because I do not keep contact with Exes as a rule) has fallen back into Okafor’s dungeon at some point in time, not because they were not smart enough but because they did not give to Caesar what belonged to Caesar. You do not spend so much time with someone and simply think it will just disappear because you started dating someone else. Feelings do not just walk away because you changed the name of your partner. Where intimacy has been shared, feelings do not just dry up because you changed location.

No be like that my sister!

I once had this admirer who tried to date me after he broke up with his girl of over 7 years!!! 7 years??? Am I insane? I out-rightly told him it was never going to happen. 7 years of shared feelings, mixing all the mixable fluids, met all his friends & family, visited all the joints in Lagos with her and he wants me to date him? Habatically! Need I mention he is married to the babe now? Na me someone wan take do toothpick.

Impossicant!

Nobody doubts the "out with the old, in with the new" story where relationships are concerned. However, the law of Okafor simply states that “once access is granted, regardless of "old or new", that license does not expire”.( of course you don't expect me to say the original version, let's not forget my write ups are rated PG)

It has nothing to do with cheating! It has no grounds for moral arguments! It is neither good nor bad! It just simply means that the apple does not forget how to fall to the ground!

Chikena!

Men generally, like to keep the "door open”. They call it "Just In Case" Law. “Yes, we are officially over but I want to stay "friendly" with you ..."JUST IN CASE" i want a booty call one night or just want some, because the new girl is crazy or not giving me enough and she forced herself on me or she even got pregnant and not that I wanted it” ....You know all those excuses they generally come up with and the ones that some women are extremely foolish to fall for over and over again. When it comes to getting some, the average man becomes the best story teller you will ever meet and they always come across to one as being unhappy in their respective relationships. Always!!!

Have you met any Ex of yours recently who seemed unhappy every time he met you? Is his babe/spouse/woman giving him serious issues? Has she changed since he married her? Did she stop having sex because she is now pregnant? Is she now very ugly & fat since she got pregnant? Has he filed for divorce but waiting for the kids to start walking, or start school, or finish University or is the spouse even dying? Is the spouse choosing her job over him? Is the spouse cheating on him?

Does your Ex call you around evening/midnight to whine and complain about all the above? Oh gial, Okafor’s law is about to work on you and you are about to fall for it like a pack of dominoes.

Your Ex is about to use you to welcome the New Year my dear. No story! Simple & short, you are about to become a booty call for a randy Ex.

At times, when I hear the stories these men come up with, I am usually more fascinated than upset. Some little part of me at times usually get impressed. Most men that cheat are always not in happy relationship, haven’t you noticed? Don’t you ever wonder why all their stories are usually the same; ugly wife, fat spouse, cheating wife, spouse having an affair with his friend, spouse not pregnant, spouse cannot cook, spouse cannot dress well, family forced spouse on me, spouse got pregnant so he had to marry her. 

Wetin???? Na only you? 

And some mumu babes will hear all these “tragic love stories” and try to console the guy with their skirts down their legs while moaning and patting him on his back and glad they were "wonder women" that came to the ultimate rescue.

I came across one who actually told me his wife hated sex so much and anytime he wants to sleep with her, she usually cries and it is really creating chaos as he is so hurt and pained and he tried to come up with the most pathetic situations. This is someone whose four children are like a staircase away from each other, two years interval amongst the four children o. I won't even count the number of times they possibly tried before each conception clicked o. Those kids were immaculate conception abi? Ode somebody!

He was speaking to the wrong girl born and bred in Las-Gidi. 

Ladies, you had better wise up & "Close down the candy store”! Shut it down, & do not re-open it!

Most men who had cheated on their spouse/lover/woman sometime in the past did so with an Ex they came in contact with again and thought it would be okay to stay friends with benefits. An extra and free kpekus to have around is not hurting anybody, right?

Wrong!!!

If you are single and unattached, you can choose to distribute all your unborn children amongst all your booty calls, in which case, feel free to contract AIDS around Lagos. However, if you are married and still carrying all the weight of your exes booty around, you are on your own when the s**t hits the roof. 

Let me make it simple.

Have you ever had this toy that you played with for a very long time and you got tired of suddenly and threw it away somewhere in the house? When you found this toy many years after, what feeling came up? Disgust? Or Excitement? Did you play with the toy for some time again before finally getting tired? During that time of reuniting with the old toy, what happened to the new toy Daddy gave you for Christmas?

My thoughts/sentiments exactly! Because when it comes to “Osho free”, men are the greatest beneficiaries.

Many believe they can handle doused feelings and can deal with an Ex. Many of us actually cannot. You are not supposed to deal with it. You are supposed to flee from it. My Hubby’s case is even worse as his exes are all pretty such that, every convo I witness between them is like someone is wringing out my innermost parts and I just want to aaaaaargh! *takes a deep breath as I look at my wedding ring & feels reassured*

Don’t get me wrong. 

I am not insecure nor suffering from unsure emotions but I have so many male friends and they all seem to have something in common (nursing some hidden feelings for an Ex that they ran into again or just feeling guilty because something happened when he saw his ex the last time in her house and they were home alone. And they always go back no matter how much they claim guilty conscience)

Come on!

At times, I marvel at the lay man’s orientation of “fleeing from temptation”. Temptation is, knowing something is likely to happen but we do not respect the possibility enough to create a certain distance between one and temptation. When you are in a relationship and you try to rekindle friendship with an Ex flame, what were you seriously expecting to happen? Seriously, let's talk about it. What really were you trying to achieve? Or let’s choose to look at it from another perspective, how would you react if your spouse/woman/man/lover calls you to inform you an ex of his/hers just got back to town and they will be hanging out or you simply discover they hook up once in a while? I suspect it will leave a worrisome taste to the mouth.

Some intentions are actually pure and some past relationships definitely worth maintaining but statistics have shown that when a relationship does not end well or even when it does and you come across the past subject of your relationship again, there is a higher chance of towing the line of affection several times. And it will not matter whether you are in a relationship or not. What will matter is just the joy of seeing that person once again and reminiscing on past activities you both shared and THAT my dear,  is where the Okafor’s law will come to play.

For those wondering what Okafor’s Law means, let’s just simply put it this way: “Once de be, always de be”.

You are still uncertain? You are on your own!

Nigeria: Prayerfully Religious

I once had this friend who attended MFM back then in school (not sure if she is still a member and I am certain every religious person either by practice or association knows what this means) and whenever she is called to lead in prayers, I was usually tempted to unsheathe my non-existing sword, or any other swinging gadget close to me, to ward off any form of evil, demons or flying humans that may be tempted to come my way, as you get that impression whenever an MFM member is about to pray. At times, the violent mode of prayer makes you wonder whether they are not the ones that are actually trying to wake the devil that may be in limbo or asleep for many years. While in the spirit, you can practically hear the demonic spirit wearing boxing gloves to fight back. You will understand this if you have ever experienced a prayer session with one of their members. 

At some point, after witnessing these sessions from her, I became paranoid and suspicious of anyone that wore a black skirt on a black top, whoever swept the entrance at night was kept at arm’s length, whoever cleans his/her seat with white handkerchief before sitting I bind and cast and keep them at bay, those that eyeballed me, I presented their names to my prayer warrior friend and I  became suspicious of all crawling insects; be it cockroaches, lizards, even ants, as I was quite certain they were humans that turned to insects just to have access to my room. I even started believing that all owls, bats, cats were out to drain my blood and infest my blood vessels. As at the point of that paranoia moment, please note that I had not achieved any remarkable success or even any admirable personal effect to make me a focus or consideration for any jazz domain but she convinced me it was me that they wanted, every time I am “opportune” to be around her. She even made this worse when I confided in her that I fell one day while on my way to work at around 6:00am and was about to board a bus(like I said earlier, I had no personal effect, like a car back then.). As soon as I related this incident, she requested we pray and she began;

"Daddy (daddy bawo?), we are here again, every demon, every scavenger, all vampires, every evil being directed to stop this young girl (Iyen emi na) from reaching her goal, fire burn them, die, die, die, die, die, burn in hell, we match you, we disgrace you, we sweep you out".

As she was saying this, she was matching the floor with both legs in a rather violent way that I had to look down to be certain that somehow the devil had not manifested itself and she is now stepping on him. (Yup, the devil has to be a man) My eyes were opened throughout this time as I was fascinated by the whole activity, yet looking in fear for any suspicious spirit appearing to envelope me from the back or simply slide into my very body and my eyes would change to black once it entered. (Yeah, I had seen most episodes of Supernatural as at then) thus stopping me from reaching wherever my goal was. She then probably discovered she could not hear my voice and said "Teju, open your mouth and cast every demon, every evil that is within you" (within me, wait a minute, how did we get here?) At that point, I was much more interested in keeping watch of any demon that will appear from nowhere. My paranoia that day was at its stretch. After praying for almost 45mins, or was it an hour? (I was almost in tears as I was hungry and my knees were aching.)she requested we pray for Nigeria, "Baba loke, a wa woju re loni, ko si inu aiye awon olorilede wa, wa bawa ko emi oju kokoro, covetuosness, , iwa aida, kamapayan, demonish cultism(Yes, she was switching between English and Yoruba) wa bawon soro baba. Daddy,(another thought came to mind when she used the word “daddy”, u know!)  forgive them for all they do for they do not know they are sinning against you (Like seriously, I thought as I opened my eyes in indignation. They didn’t know? They didn’t know that the commandment said “thou shall not steal, thou shall not lie, thou shall not commit adultery and thou shall not call the name of your Lord in vain? They didn’t know?)

At that point however, I was more fascinated by the juxtaposition of the native and foreign language and how swift and deft she seemed to be switching language roles during their usage. I then concluded the alien spirit in me must still be present as I seem to be well aware of the composition of prayers rather than the intent of the prayers. Might I add here that, that was the last time I happen to be in the same room with her! If I had allowed further sessions, she may conclude I was actually the “alien evil”. You know how people see witches and wizards anyhow just because you are not in sync with their religious motif. Nobody will come and slap me because I stated “I am a witch for Christ”.

Her situation was mild compared to a certain CAC member I was once "opportune" to be with. I do not understand why people think it is necessary for them to pray for you when you as much as sneeze in their presence or complain of slight headache. The phrase "Eje ki a gbadura" has been so bastardized that I heard even robbers and assassins now pray before going on any operation. We now believe God actually listens to our prayers just because we pray. 

The most hilarious is the cases whereby there are more than 18 churches or almost 10 mosques on a street. Kilode????? Are our sins that much? And don’t you just love the hypocritical solemnity that people adorn on Sundays or the sudden need to observe Jumah on Fridays? You see so many updates on the quest for redemption and quotes like "Only God will make a way", "Spirit filled church session, I have never felt closer to God", "Lord I come into your presence", “Ya Allah, Ya Samiu, Ya Wadudu”, “Allahu Akbar”, “Warafanahu Monkana Aliya”. All these are coming from the same set of people that saw a broken down car along the road with a lady alone at night and simply drove away "minding their business” and may even be on their way to church/mosque, or probably someone who stole at his work place or lied on a colleague to gain promotion and favor or better still, someone in a public position that embezzles on a daily basis. Once the weekly evil deeds have been committed, they adorn their best ensemble on Sundays or Fridays and proceed to church/mosque, pay tithe/zakat from the stolen funds, the stolen money from the office, sing in a rather loud voice despite not helping the lone woman on third mainland and somehow, expect that if he/she falls down dead, there and then in church, heaven is sure.

E no dey work like that! 

Attending church/mosque on Friday/Sunday is not a guaranteed way to make heaven. Opening several churches in different locations in Nigeria will not pave your way into paradise. Doling out stolen money to the orphanage will not bribe St Peter at the gates of Heaven. Quoting bible passages as DP or lifting phrases from Joel Osteen song no go make God pity you. At all at all! Jesus will not defend you on judgment day if you rob Peter to pay Paul. Lying on a colleague may get you promoted in this life but will not wash away your sins for paradise. Going to church/mosque and wearing your best dress on Sundays while sitting close to the pastor is certainly not a yardstick for heaven confirmation. All these only make you the non-perpetrator of the first commandment, “Thou shall not call the name of your Lord in vain”

Oh, you didn’t know that is calling the name of the Lord in vain? You thought it is only when you call the name in excess? No o! The word “vain” simply means “producing no result; useless, futile, null”. So invariably, this means that you should already know in your heart of hearts that heaven is not your final destination as you have not even kept any of the Hadith/commandments but still believe that there will somehow be a kind of an existing promo- “commit sin but make heaven” on that day of judgment and somehow you will qualify and make heaven.

Hian! You wish!

If you steal, lie, covet, or commit adultery and it yields returns and people ask you and you say “It is God o”, you are calling the name of the Lord in vain. When you steal from your employer or bad mouth colleagues in order to gain growth within the company and you get promoted as a result and people ask you and you say rather joyously, “we thank God o”, you have used his name in vain so hell awaits you. If on the other hand you have committed various atrocities over the week and on the day of your worship, with no serious intention to repent or show remorse but rather to fulfill the call of Sabbath/Jumaat righteousness, you start your prayer with “In Jesus name/Bismillahi Rahmoni Rahim”, my brother/sister, you have called the name of the Lord in vain so you are a very sure and verified candidate for hell.

In case you are still not sure where you belong, I will make it clear: paying tithes without giving your own parents funds to cater for themselves no matter how wealthy they may be or showing them respect and honor, going to Mecca on Hijrah despite the fact that you have not helped anyone with the amount of millions you have in your bank and personal properties, giving money to the poor while stealing or committing many scandalous atrocities, will not guarantee you a seat on the right hand of God or Al-Janat. Coming to social sites to drop hypocritical Christian/Islamic quotes or joining a unit in church will also not clear your issue in the presence of the Almighty God or automatically erase your name from the book of sorrow.

No be like that my dear!

Nigeria is quoted to be the most religious country but ridden in poverty, disillusioned growth, non-existent infrastructures, corrupt leaders who donate lavishly to churches/mosques and expect to be recognized and not just listed as an anonymous donor, supposed men of God engaging in sexual scandals, paedophiles being granted bails, murder cases being settled out of courts because victims family members are not influential.

And despite all these underdeveloped system of living, churches/mosques are thriving on situation by affiliating higher donations to higher consideration for heaven. And the porousness of religion in Nigeria is still growing at such an alarmingly swift rate that one wonders if purpose of growth is not as a result of financial gain. If this is not the case, one wonders why theft rate, kidnapping rates, murders that could come in form of robbery, lynching, poisoning and the famous jazz is still on the increase.

If the churches/mosques are so many and growing per day, who then are the people in prison? Who are the kidnappers? Who are the corrupt leaders? Who are the paedophiles  Who are the hired assassins?

Most importantly, what church/mosque are they attending and why are they not filled with the spirit of God till now?

May God save us all from all evils. (Another lame retort to every calamity)

N:B: Please note I am not going to translate anything today o. So if any phrase/quote in the above article seems unfamiliar, Nigerians are scattered everywhere in the world especially Yorubas so extend friendship and warmth to the next Nigerian and ask them to interprete. That way, you make new friends. And every one goes home happy. (yawns) I don tire abeg....