Sunday, September 26, 2010

My Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.

I want to go to Amusement Park & Water Parks and think that it's Disneyland in Nigeria.

I want to play kites again and roll tyre across a fresh mud puddle and play Daddy & Mummy with my neighbours once again.

I want to think Goody Goody,  M&K,Gogo and Fudge, Dash are better than money becos you can actually eat them.

I want  my Mummy to take me and my siblings to Pacific Merchant Bank's End of the Year Party once again with the Adebayos', Aladesanmis', the Georges', the Adelekes' while we have marvellous fun deciding who can dance horribly better.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.All you knew was to be happy, because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want my Daddy alive to promise us as usual to take us to Amusement park again "One of these Days" that never came.
I want to still visit the Rahimis', the Ademosuns' and Uncle Greg for lunch every weekend.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, Sunrays, Ciscos, remedy, TABS, MINSAT, mountains of paperwork, Project Management, Customer's Complaints, Friends getting married and picking different aso ebis that will redden my bank account, productivity and performance consciousness from Team Leads, and other depressing news, how to survive when there are more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, mankind and making meals with sands around the house.
I want to play with my dolls, toys and ma brother's old soldiers, elephant and  toy cars and my days of imagination to last forever.

So here are my financially disabled atm cards, digital camera, my four phones, my 3 flash drives, my ipod, my memory cards,cheque books, wages slip, and laptop, my debts and my bank statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first because,"Who is in the Garden? A little fine girl! Can i come and see her? No, no, no, no. You, follow me!!!

The 10 Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make with Women — And What to Do About It...(David DeAngelo)

MISTAKE #1: Being Too Much of a "Nice Guy"
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted to "nice" guys?
Of course you have.
Just like me, I’m sure you’ve had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.

What’s going on here?
It’s actually very simple...
Women don’t base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.

And guess what?

Being nice doesn’t make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.
And being NICE doesn’t make a woman CHOOSE you.

I realize that this doesn’t make a lot of logical sense, and it’s hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.
Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you’ll NEVER have the success with women that you want.


MISTAKE #2: Trying to "Convince Her to Like You"

What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she’s just not interested?

Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.

Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!
Never, ever, EVER.
You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".

Think about it.
If a woman doesn’t "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her?
But we all do it.
When a woman just isn’t interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.
Bad idea. One that will never work.

MISTAKE #3: Looking to Her for Approval or Permission

In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman’s "approval" or "permission".
Another HORRIBLE idea.
Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.

Don’t get me wrong here.
You don’t have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.
But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again.
You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.

Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...

MISTAKE #4: Trying to "Buy" Her Affection with Food and Gifts

How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn’t treat her even HALF as well as you did?
If you’re like me, then you’ve had it happen a LOT.

Well guess what?
It’s only NATURAL when this happens...

That’s right, I said NATURAL.

When you do these things, you send a clear message:
"I don’t think you’ll like me for who I am, so I’m going to try to buy your attention and affection".
Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That’s right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.

MISTAKE #5: Sharing "How You Feel" Too Early in the Relationship with Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.
Attractive women are rare.
And they get a LOT of attention from men.
Most men don’t realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE
An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.
And guess what?
Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.

That’s right. They have EXPERIENCE.

They know what to expect.
And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.
This signals to the woman that you’re just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can’t control themselves.

Don’t do it. Lean back. Relax.
There’s a much better way...

MISTAKE #6: Not "Getting" How Attraction Works for Women

Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.

You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.
When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.
But does the same apply for women?
Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?
Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks.
Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?

Think about it.
Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they’re attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.
If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

But it’s not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.
And ANY guy can learn how...

MISTAKE #7: Thinking That It Takes Money and Looks

One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they’ve even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.
And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.
But MOST women are far more interested in a man’s personality than his wallet or his looks.
There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...
And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.
YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren’t rich, tall, or handsome.
Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

MISTAKE #8: Giving Away All of Your Power to Women

Earlier I mentioned that it’s a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.
Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.
Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.

Another bad idea...
Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren’t attracted to Wussies!


MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing EXACTLY What to Do in Each Type of Situation with Women

Now I’m going to blow your mind...
A woman ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking.
Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That’s ten TIMES.
I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you’re out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.
And if you don’t know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won’t help!
And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...
Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.
If you don’t know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.
And you KNOW it.
It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.

 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Writer's Block it is....

I’ve always heard the term, “Writer’s block” but i never thought it could happen to a genius like me.(Yup, deal with it, I’m a genius!!). I was under the impression some of us possessing so much intelligence cannot experience such.



I was wrong.


Not writing or posting on this blog for over a week is not a deliberate tact 2 keep u panting for more, Trust me.


I was blank.


I AM still blank.


And probably will for the next couple of days.(That’s right, my blankness is a lazy choice, no be jazz!)


Suddenly, it hit me.


I’ve grown so arrogant of my writing skills I’ve just stopped practicing. I grew accustomed to hearing people say,” u should consider writing as a profession. You will make it big”. I’ve heard it so much I just discovered recently I practically float on air when walking.






Yup, my pride and arrogance has grown wings. I stopped practising or even writing anything.


Not even a letter. That’s why i find it lazy sending even messages. Gosh, it’s so much work. It encompasses me thinking so much of what to type. You should see the messages we exchange amidst ourselves. Usually, it doesn’t exceed 2 words like, “u home” or, “where u” or “I’m downstairs”. And even when it exceed 3 words, the punctuation mark makes it 3. And if you ask any Telecommunication staff, after the first few months of getting used to having so much airtime, sending a message becomes a task we consider demeaning. Yeah, we grow them conceited in the telecoms world.


Then it hit me again. I’ve been stuck in time. I’ve been hanging on the cliff of the oldies.


Some hrs back, a friend sent me an application to work for a reputable bank. I was meant to take my test online. (Yeah, I’m that special)


It’s alright, don’t be jealous. I flunked it. They’ve collected their job test and interview. Hey, it wasn’t my fault. It was that crazy test that had something numerical n logical bla bla bla.


For 6 full minutes, i stared blankly at my computer screen showing some logical reasoning balder dash test and was wondering what I was supposed to be looking out for. Are the black dots supposed to be moving or should I make it move? And what did they mean about what the ratio of crude oil should be as against the kerosene? How am i supposed to know? The angles all looked the same if u ask me. And do they care to explain what the jargons on this pie chart should represent? But wait a min, come to think of it. How in the Jews name does that help in bringing money into the bank or dealing with top clients, duh!. They just don’t know what to do with so much space on the page so decided to fill it with impossibly unreasonable questions I’m ready to bet my armed robber’s salary on that not even Soludo coulda answered. I could picture the one who set the exam watch me choose 20 wrong answers and smile to himself while he arrogantly click on No. (That’s me for you. There’s just something exciting bout pouring all your woes on an unsuspecting victim)






But on a more serious note, not writing is not because i don’t wanna write but there are too many topics to write on. Should i write on Love? Relationship? Marriage? Sex? Money? Who is the better lover, the guy or girl? Political situation in Nigeria? Gender discriminations? Or other topics that have been over flogged.


I was chatting online with an old school mate’s brother some weeks back whose writing skills inspired me to add him as a friend. We were on the usual camaraderie angle and he came up with a suggestion that we both choose a topic to write on but from our personal gender’s point of view. We were both enthusiastic about it. We explored themes and titles. We considered making it into big ideas and probably selling. It was a major feat. We had visions and dreams of the article being widely read.


Meanwhile, I warned him that while necessity is the mother of invention, Tejumade Omoyosola Oyeyemi Oyedeji invented procrastination.


He laughed heartily. He says i’ve got a huge sense of humor. He says my man is lucky that i know how to make every one laugh. He was happy to have me as a friend. He made me promise to come up with different ideas and point of views to the story. It was really a great moment to share. We parted with words of promise to come up with lots of points and ideas.


3 weeks and some days now, i can’t even think of what our topic of discussion was in the first place. Hey, i warned him but apparently, my looks worked for me. Again.


Ok, back to the main gist, anyone reading this particular blog will discover i’m doing it again. And it’s working. Again


Might i point out that from the beginning of this story, i’ve diversified, branched out, viewed from various perspectives, spoken, talked, written, what i’m trying to say is i’ve not stuck to one subject matter. I’ve touched a lil of this and that. That’s what the likes of me, Linda Akeji, Chika, Wole Soyinka, Toni Kan, Betty Irabor, Chinua Achebe, Fela Durotoye and the likes of us do (yeah, start dealing with it, i belong to this category). Even if we don’t have what to write, we have a way of making you take some time out to read our beautiful nonsense. That’s what makes us Literary giants( I can imagine Titi’s expression at this stage).


Ok guys, i tried to save the good and bad news for last. So which one do u wanna hear? The good or bad? Ok, let me say the good. May i say here that yours truly is still as witty and pretty as eva and representing all you peeps!! Yeah yeah, you don’t have to scream it that you don’t care.. I suspected as much..


Ok, the bad news is that if you remember, from the inception of this my dazzling article, my subject matter was my blankness. Well, duh, i still am. If you didn’t figure it out from the second or third paragraph, then that makes you one of many that fell and is still falling for my witty charms and comebacks. And if you are still reading after that statement, then maybe it’s time i open my fan page. Make it a date 2 be ma first fan! Might i say here i wrote all this under 10 mins? I know. I’m that good.






Yeah, no need chasing me with pure water and moin moin wrapper, i’m out already.






P.S: If you take time out to read this part where i apologise for my non-conforming use of punctuation marks, then take it from me. You are this close to stalking me. Then, i’d be needing me a bodyguard.


ANNNNNNNNNNNNND CUT..............................


Saturday, August 28, 2010

If I Tell You Once, I Will Nag You Twice...(GLORIA)

When I was growing up, I wondered why my mother shouted so much. I would watch her as she entered the house from a long day at work as she still managed to scream at me, the two house helps and my brother all before she put her bag down on the dining table and entered the kitchen. She would then get a glass of water and complain about how much her head hurt and start shouting at everyone all over again. My dad on the other hand would be in his study watching the news or some other political show blissfully unaware of the verbal war occurring downstairs. At the time I wondered why my mum couldn’t be more like my dad! Surely she too must be interested in the news!

Alas! Now I am older and wiser and I realize that the apple really hasn’t fallen far from the tree. I now see clearly why my darling mother screamed tirelessly at us when we were growing up. Far from what we thought back then, she actually didn’t enjoy shouting. She screamed because we hadn’t done any of the things she had told us to do before she left the house. She was at her wits end because despite telling us to make our beds and do certain chores before she got home, we had either waited till we heard the sound of her car horn at the gate before we hurriedly did them incorrectly or had totally forgotten to do any of them at all.

Today I watch men backbiting about how their wives, partners or girlfriends are such nags. “Must they ‘talk’ about everything”, “they ‘complain’ too much”, “my girlfriend is such a ‘nag’”, they say in a high and lofty manner.

Well ladies, I have come to your defense! Anytime your man calls you a nag or complains about how much you complain, I want you to show him this article.

You see life is made up of both actions and reactions. For everything you do in this life there is usually a response, this is true – whether you realise it or not is a different issue. Generally, we females aren’t mad. We don’t wake up in the morning and start screaming just for the sake of it. We weren’t told that yelling at the top of our lungs makes us beautiful. No! Rather it is you men that are driving us crazy! If I say to you once or twice in the sweetest voice possible, “baby, please could you put the ketchup back in the fridge after you use it” and you don’t. How is it that I am labeled the chief commander for the complaints ministry when you continually fail to do so? Surely if there is anyone with a problem here it is you. Simply put, if you men just did what you were supposed to do, how and when you were supposed to do it, there would be no complaints. Shikenah!

If your wife says “Darling, please put Junior to bed so I can do the washing up” and two hours later you are still watching Match of the Day and Junior has poured water colour all over the rug she just cleaned, you can bet your bottom dollar she will YELL! If your girlfriend says to you “Baby, you’ve changed, you don’t call me as much” and you don’t start calling her or offer plausible reasons why your calls have decreased and she complains it’s not her fault. It’s YOURS!

What men have to realise is for everything you do to us, we have a response. And no, you don’t get to choose what type of response we give. It is unfair to upset your partner and still expect them to give you a kiss while they explain in a loving voice what you did wrong! When if you had done what we asked in the first place, or told us there and then that there would be a problem doing what we asked, there would be no nagging. So the moral of this article is simple. Next time you are about to call your partner a nag, just try retracing your steps to exactly what you were meant to do…..and you would find that the problem would be easily solved.

We women are really not that difficult to understand. And yes, you can thank me later

WHAT IF!!!!

What if i just woke and realized and was told that everything about me was all a dream and that ave been sleeping and i've not even been born to life but there happens to be another life where i wake!! The horror of knowing everyone i've always known will change.......Even God!! Heaven Forbid! But what if!! What If!!

WHAT IF!!!
So I probably have Michael Adenuga as my Dad when i wake up..That would be financially awesome!

Tope(my sis) would probably be a chic i see in my razz area that i might not even send...

Mumsie would probably be a colleague of an aunty who always attempt to pull my lovely low cleavaged tops up to hide my cleavage, cos according to her," what are u trying to sell". Then i will give her a killer look that says,"are u my mother"..
Aunty Tokunbo will definitely be a teacher in my secondary school who likes me so much so dashes me some pass mark that will elevate me from a C to a B.

Mummy Dapo would be my fav aunty anyday no matter what

As for Soye, i'm sure he will bribe God to come back to be my brother all over again.. Who better to annoy me most often than not! (I'm frowning just even thinking about it)
aah Hikmot, am sure will still annoyinly be my sister...who else will be able to handle her precarious and overzealously stubborn ways! God won't be that mean!

Uncle Goke would definitely be one of those managers in my office i will want to get close to so they can always trip me and my friends  to the best joints in the city. He'd be married of course!
Mummy Jay...(*smh*)....would definitely still be alive but probably still at the university and who i'd always wanna go visit cos she bakes for me and cooks for me. But i'd probably make sure to leave her room before Sunday morning so she won't force me to Church. lol
Titi..aaah.. will just keep being a bish who i will not be able to get rid of cos she'd probably come back as a cuzin who is my mate and who will definitely be my competetive mate in everything and who i will hate to love and love to hate..
Ayobami will probably be a family friend who i see once in a blue moon but when we see, we hit it off and speak Cockney English to each other to show off  who is doing well in our respective fields.
Ebi_Ela would be Ayobami's older sister who wishes we were closer but for some strange reasons, hell will probably freeze over first becos of her uppity attitude..
Claudette would be my team member at work..

Ben will probably still be my ex boyfriend who married my friend, Titi....They deserve each other cos they are both perfectionists.. lol

Kasope will be my immediate younger sister but i pray to be finer than her sha so i can torment her for life to boost her ego...
Ibukun Ajibola will be the daughter i had when i was 16 and i gave my mum to train..

Bankole will still be a colleague that will still keep on eyeing me without letting his feelings show....

Ebube will be my male best friend who i will love so much because he's gay.

Teju babyface and Paddy Adenuga will be my ex boyfriends that i hurt real bad....

Omisakin will be my first crush who i will get over when he scoffs at my crushy status and say, "Get a life shortie"...

Eniola will be the guy next door who will try to hook me up with friends of his that i will not like until.........
Seun Orija will be my school daughter in secondary school..

Garfield will come as a white terrier that i'd adore to pieces but he shall not be lazy and fat.....

Chiamaka will of course be my relationship counsellor....!

Michael Scoffield will be the guy i dated but couldn't marry because he can't speak Yoruba....


And aaaaaah, Folaranmi Alade will be that friend Eniola introduces to me and i feel it in my bones and the first words i say to him when he takes my hands in his and says Hello will be............."THIS IS IT"

Dealing with infidelity...A true story

I read this on the internet and thought it would be a great idea to share. I was moved to tears and as much as it made me hate the opposite sex, i can't help but thank God for giving me the Perfect Man....Yeah yeah, just say it.. I know i just sounded like the character in this story but hey, ma man's name definitely ain't Brian. Lol

When I was 38, I found out my husband was having an affair.
To answer your first questions: No, I never saw it coming. And if I could, I wouldn't go back and change what happened to us, for one simple reason: It has allowed our love, and our marriage, to reach levels they never would have otherwise.

Right now, everyone is consumed by Sandra Bullock and her plight: Should she stay, or should she go? Jesse is making the rounds on the morning shows, contrite. What I would tell Sandra is: Hang on, and don't make a rash decision in the moment. If the love was real, it can survive.
I won't pretend it's easy. It's a long road to recovery. And I know, because after living it, I wrote the book that I couldn't find out there to help people like me heal. I didn't want to read about cheating from some academic in an ivory tower. I wanted to hear answers from a real woman who'd lived through infidelity.
Now I have, and as the author of "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me," I can tell you why Sandra or Silda or Hillary -- or millions of women you don't know by just their first name who feel the same pain -- are equally anguished by the decision of whether to walk out that door.

Here's what happened in my marriage, and why I'm still proud to call Brian my husband today
Brian and I had been married 18 years at the time of his affair. We had a strong marriage; that was safe to say. And I didn't see it coming at all. In fact, I distinctly remember the night I found out.
I was taking voice lessons, and I was in the car when that Toni Braxton song "Unbreak My Heart" came on. I was singing out loud and proud, the way you do in the car, thinking, This is such a great song, and it's right in my range. Oh, those words are so depressing, but I have such a great marriage. That could never happen to me.
When I got home that night, Brian said to me, "Anne, I have to tell you something." I went into complete shock.
There had been zero signs it was happening. And I'm now completely embarrassed by the first words that flew out of my mouth, which were "I forgive you."
Say what?! Now, I know that those words weren't acceptance; they were denial. But at the time, I thought if I just said them, we'd go back to our happy Cinderella life and I could pretend nothing had happened.
But no sooner had I said that than a totally different wave of emotion washed over me.
"Who is she?" I screamed. "Do I know her? Is she married? Does she have kids?" I needed to know who this woman was with every fiber of my being. Brian didn't know what to do. He didn't tell me. He just sat there, stoic, until he finally retreated up to bed. But I didn't sleep a wink. In fact, I sat there all night, awake, and didn't move until the morning light filtered into the room.
The next two days were pretty chaotic. I made a lot of threats and declarations. "You will never see her again," I told him a few days after he dropped his bomb. That was followed by a long, protracted silence, and despite the pain and the anger and the denial all mixed up in me, I realized this situation just wasn't that simple. He was going to see this woman again. He had feelings for her.
In fact, I think you could safely say my situation was worse than Sandra Bullock's: Brian wasn't contrite in the beginning. And, like Sandra and Jesse James, we also had the complicating factor of kids. Ours at the time were 16, 14 and 12.
By the time we finally had some time away from them, I had come up with an ultimatum: her or me.
"Make up your mind," I yelled. "I'm not going to share my husband with another woman."
And you know how some people react when they're in a corner with someone screaming at them?
"HER THEN," Brian roared right back.
He packed his duffel bag, left and went to a hotel. I spent two weeks believing that our marriage had ended.
And then one day, he came back.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him. "Are you here to visit, or are you home?"
What he said was, "I guess I'm home."
Here's the thing: That wasn't how I had imagined the thing that could never happen to me playing out. In my version, if your husband had an affair, and then he was sorry, he should get on both knees and beg, arms outstretched, holding flowers. That would be more appropriate. Why did I even leave this door open? I thought.
Convinced I was leaving, but still searching for answers, I called a good friend. "Anne, you have every right to leave this marriage, and if you want to, nobody will blame you," she said. "But I've seen you two together, and I know Brian loves you. I don't know what's going on right now, but I know he loves you. Don't make a decision yet."
And she was right about that: What was I going to do? Throw out my husband of 18 years and start dating someone tomorrow.
Within a week of Brian's telling me, we told the kids. They each dealt with it in their own way. But I won't sugarcoat it: As Brian puts it now, our oldest daughter, who has a really strong personality, pretty much "hated his guts" at the time. She watched me like a hawk, then she got hold of the other woman's number, and called her up and confronted her.

Then there was me and Brian and our personal roller coaster. His revelation came in May 2000. The next three months I define as Pure Chaos. From three to six months came the Period of Fighting. We tried to seek out professional help, but a lot of it wasn't really ... helpful. So we fought a lot, and what we were doing in the middle of that fighting was peeling our relationship apart like an onion and getting to the core to understand what had really happened between us.
What I needed answered -- what every woman needs answered -- is this: If you loved me, how could you do this to me?
But the answers you get in the first three months, or even the second three, aren't what we now call Truth.
Brian's Truth was that he just started a new career, and he was focused on that instead of our marriage. We'd just moved to a new area -- near Vancouver, right by the border -- and he didn't really have any good male friends he could talk to anymore. We were dealing with our kids moving into the Terrible Teens, and most of our new friends' kids were much younger, so we were alone in that phase. Then Brian's dad died.
None of these things, of course, excuse his behavior, but we also didn't understand how all of it had affected our relationship. And they are partial explanations of what led to Brian's affair. When he finally explained to me who she was and how it happened, he seemed almost as surprised by it as I was: He never saw it coming either, in the sense that he always thought an affair began with a blatant proposition. Instead, he said, it felt more like having a friend -- and then things went too far.

We also explored the ways in which we hadn't been connecting, just on a personality level. We talked for hours and hours. And more hours. And sometimes you have to face Truth that isn't easy to hear. For example, to hear that there was fun that Brian had had with this other woman that he wasn't having with me was excruciating. "I was unhappy," he kept saying, and at first, I had no desire to hear that. He was the one who had done something wrong.
I do remember one breakthrough moment. Brian had been saying to me, over and over again, "You're not listening!"

"Yes, I am!" I said, just as many times. Finally he said, "You know, one of our friends told me, with the way I've been feeling, he thinks it's a wonder that I didn't have an affair years earlier.
When I heard that, I hit the roof.
"WHO WAS IT?" I screamed. "Who told you that?"
What awful person masquerading as our friend would say such a thing? Brian kept telling me it was irrelevant, but I persevered until I finally got it out of him. And then I was struck silent: This person was someone who was really near and dear to us -- and still is today. I felt like he was blaming me for Brian's affair, but I knew that this person cared about us -- both of us -- and I was truly confused.

Still, I called said friend the very next morning. "How dare you say that I made this happen?" I yelled.
"Anne," he said, calmly, "I didn't say you deserved to have this happen to you. I just said, 'Considering the way Brian was feeling ...'"
And this time I finally heard it. What was he feeling? I wondered. Finally, I moved into listening mode.
And when I did, Brian was able to move into repair mode. Now he was doing everything right: bringing me flowers, taking me out for dinner, writing me love letters, telling me I was beautiful.
Our emotions were still raw and intense, but we were both beginning to heal.Brian started to tell me things, like the pain that he had been going through over his father's death. And I realized that I hadn't really been there for him. I had tried in my own ways, but it wasn't enough.
The truth of the affair was really hard to hear. I would listen with tears streaming down my cheeks, but I learned not to interrupt. "Thank you for telling me the truth," I told him instead. I had to learn how to reward him for being truthful.
I also learned a few things about myself. I had really worked hard at our relationship, but not necessarily in all the right ways. I had read a lot of books on relationships, and I would go to seminars, so I had a bit of a self-righteous attitude. I thought I had my act together: You needed to keep up your appearance; you had to show admiration to your husband. These things I knew, but it was like a checklist to me: Brian, am I admiring you enough?
One of the things that we had to learn was that we didn't need to give up our identities for the sake of the relationship. One of the differences was in our personalities: Brian is more fun-loving; fun is a top priority for him. By nature, I'm a more serious person, the kind who has to find the moral of the story at the movie theater. To me, fun was something you did once you'd taken care of all of your responsibilities. Simply put, I thought my way was right.
We learned that there wasn't a right and a wrong -- that people have different needs. I had to realize that his need for fun was just as important as my need for security. When your spouse comes to you with something like "Here's a difference," you tend to hear it as a judgment, and the normal response is to get defensive. I finally learned to stop doing that.
But because my trust in Brian had been blown to bits by his betrayal, I was an emotional wreck for the better part of two years. I would have a bad day, and think, There's no way. I can't do this. I can never get over this. I just want a divorce. Then Brian would do a bunch of wonderful things, and I would decide that I didn't want to divorce him after all.
And then, one year, it was Christmastime. I remember thinking, Oh my gosh, this probably isn't going to work. Christmas is going to be forever marred as the time that Mom threw Dad out. I got really scared about forming that memory for the kids, and I came to Brian with a suggestion that we put this whole thing on hold for the holiday season. He agreed.
And what wound up happening was that we had one of the most amazing Christmases ever. That gave us hope. It made us realize that we really did have a relationship worth saving.
Two years out was the mile marker for me. It's not a magic number, and it doesn't work for everyone; it was just my decision. I decided that if I truly could not forgive Brian by then, the only humane thing would be to divorce him. I couldn't continue to hold this bad thing over his head: You're lower than me. You cheated.
One day I went hiking in our lovely mountains with a backpack and a notepad, and I wrote down all the things that Brian had done, and how he hurt me, and I thought, OK, Anne, you can hold onto this stuff, and you can get a divorce. And my brain was going crazy: But if I get a divorce, how am I going to trust any other man? Brian has a strong character. I know that, and he cheated, so what would stop someone else? And then there was our shared history, and the fact that we did love each other. And, I thought, from my perch on the mountain, There's a much better chance of monogamy with someone who's learned the lesson and realized we're all vulnerable. That day I decided I wanted to stay in my marriage. Before I hiked back down, I dumped my lists -- and my mistrust -- into a nearby river, and I watched them float away as far as I could see.
My feelings didn't necessarily match up all the time. I still felt like I had a black spot on my marriage, but after my decision by the river, every time I got those dark thoughts, I would re-read Brian's love letters. Within six months, by October 2003, I found that that sad feeling had finally left me.
It's not to say that the journey of healing is easy, but the reward is incredible. That's why I'd like to say to Sandra that marriage can be made that much stronger.
I would never say to somebody that you need an affair to make it better, but once it's happened, you also can't turn back the clock and undo it. So it's a matter of finding meaning, and making it worse or making it better.
The choice is up to the two of you.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

LADY CHILD (Series)

                                                      THE ACID TEST.....

After the sad breaking up incident with Dapo(name not real), I decided to seek knowledge from friends I shared more than smiles with. I wanted to know why someone like me should get ditched. The problem couldn’t be coming from me. I felt justified in my anger and took my curiosity to my four best friends.

I got to the venue of our meeting point with the confident hope of being consoled and having a general discussion about the unimportance of men who can eat and call it quits at the same time.

    On getting there, I flopped on the sofa and automatically arranged my countenance to that of a girl who had been wrongly dealt with. At first, my four gloriously beautiful friends, seem so engrossed in the film, they barely acknowledged my presence.
But like an attention loving diva, I kept sighing heavily to garner attention to me.

I was still being ignored.
Sighing and turning on the leather sofa time to time, I discovered it was making an ingratiating and irritating noise which I liked considering the circumstances.
I was still ignored.
At that moment, I felt rightly neglected and abandoned.
 
Luckily for me, somewhere in another part of Lagos, a particular organization agreed with my mood and decided to render the only support they could possibly give. There was blackout.


I tried to suppress the glee that tried to force its way out of my lips. The Cheshire cat smile that was struggling to erupt from me was calmly deflated which I considered a great achievement. I couldn’t help but conclude I would be given their undivided attention. I waited for the usual fawning and similar coos of comfort and sympathy every girl gets from her friends when she gets jilted. I geared myself up for their attention.


Suddenly, like someone who discovered they had an unwelcome guest they had no choice than to attend to, they all turned to look at me, with expressions that shared an uncanny sameness.


Then, the other shoe dropped.