Why He’d Never Commit

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment nor mention a particular date, time or year that I discovered I had several valuable relationship and dating advice I could share. For a while, I was too conscious of my very tender age and how it’d look when I proffer advice to people quite older than I am that I just had no choice than to simply listen to people make some rash decisions where relationship is concerned and not being able to do anything about it.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a certified relationship counselor nor a veteran where the opposite sex is concerned but I read a whole lot and follow several leaders who are quite savvy both in the boardroom and in their personal lives. And coupled with the fact that I keep older friends, I have been able to build my eclectic repertoire of relationship and dating knowledge. I believe there should be no rules where a relationship is concerned and what worked for Kasali may never work for Ruka. However, there are just some downright bad decisions and reasons why some relationship will never work from the word GO. And I am quite familiar with a lot of them.

One thing that is however clear to me and those that have been opportune to seek my advice or opinion on relationship and dating is this- I give realistic and plausible advice where dating and relationship coaching is concerned.

Which was why when a friend of mine reached out to me this week to say, ‘Teju, i like a guy and i know he likes me but he just doesn't want to hurt me by being committed. So yeah, i know he doesn't want to hurt me by being committed.” it took all the strength in me not to puke in disgust. I mean, I have heard so many crap in my lifetime but I think that topped it and I didn't hesitate to tell her that “That is the worst kind of bullshit I have heard in a long while”. What I told her and my advice to her is exactly what I have written below:

“Men are conquerors and hunters. If you are not the one a man is pursuing with intensity, dedication and deep passion, then he is either pursuing someone else or will pursue someone else even if he is with you. That bull s**t statement simply means he doesn't like you that much to commit. When a man says he is not ready for a committed relationship, he means WITH YOU. Please don't ever doubt that. If he is not chasing YOU, be rest assured he is chasing someone else. Men chase after whatever they want even if you are wearing 27 wedding rings and he is 17 years old still in diapers. It is an inherent trait. Men hunt and go after whatever it is they want no matter their level in life and even if she has a huge signpost written in bold ink on her forehead “not available”. There is that woman every man comes across that makes him certain he is ready even if it is obvious he is not. So if he tells you he is not ready for a committed relationship but still keeps in touch with you letting you know he is attracted and all, he is using style to tell you he wants something from you but not a serious relationship. He wants YOU to be the one to initiate a friends with benefit or as they put it, friends with understanding situation. If he is not ready, he shouldn't keep in touch with you because it’s hard for a man to be friends with someone they want so bad and nearly impossible.

Don't fall into that line as it’s an old age tactic. How do you think men have several of their female friends they are shagging simultaneously? He'd probably call you or tell you over and over he wants you so badly but doesn't want to hurt you. And because you like him so much and probably pining for his kisses, you'd want to see him but he'd keep reminding you he likes you deeply but scared he'd hurt you and out of love or deep longing knowing he wants you badly, you may initiate a kiss or want to go visit him at home and voila, side chick is birthed. Two things will be involved with this guy- He is either already in a committed relationship and wants you for a side chic or he is just a single guy who doesn't want to ever be forced to say to any girl that "I'm in a relationship". That way, if he ends up sleeping with you and several others which he will and you find out about one another, he will remind you and the rest of the football team that he told you guys he wasn't ready for a relationship”.

The long and short of my beautiful jargons?

1) If a man tells you he likes you and is attracted to you but does not come outright to ask to be your exclusive boyfriend, he is prepping you up for the role of a side chick. Every man wants exclusivity and wants to leave an indelible mark on his preferred woman, which means making her his for all to know and see.

2) If a man tells you he is so scared of hurting you so much that he cannot commit to you, the only thing that will knock that statement off the crap list of 2014 is if you pull off your panties because "it's just so sweet to hear him say that", then YOU will top the crap list for 2014.

3) No man is ever ready for a relationship until he meets the right woman. (I mean, when I met my Hubby, he told me he had no intention of settling down in the next 4 years. We made it to the altar in less than a year and a half. Of course he wasn't ready! But I was.) If he meets you and still says he is afraid of commitment, then you are not THE ONE.

4) Men don't fall in love with side chicks. A man knows whether he wants you for keeps or for sleep from the word GO. If you started out as a side chick, it is highly unlikely you would ever get promoted to the main chick(except that special place is paved in gold) unless he runs out of good options or you miraculously got pregnant or the right woman leaves. But all that may end when he meets another "the one". No man wants to marry "a side chick material".

So ladies, I may not be able to claim to be a relationship expert like Tony Gaskins, neither will I probably compare to Chaz B(God rest his soul) nor may I be able to deliver punch line statements on relationships like Wendy Williams. But one thing I am extremely certain of is this- When a man wants you for keeps, as in wants you bad, no force on this earth can stop him least of all the worst and lamest form of excuse- Commitment.



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Real Marriage Lessons- What They Never Taught Us

Have you ever worried that someone you're supposed to trust might not be telling you the whole truth? Maybe your secondary school teacher? Or that uncle or aunt that almost always come visiting with a bag of goodies to last you for the century? Or maybe God forbid, that lover you gave your innocence?

I mean, society says that we are supposed to trust these set of people, right? And we definitely want to but what if they're not telling us something?

Just as we all have a tendency to believe in gossips, scandals, and lies, we also believe there are some information that we ought to know about, right? Like the terms and conditions of a product or service or contract of agreement with the necessary warning so that way, we are better prepared to deal with whatever comes along, isn't it?

Well, welcome to marriage! A place where you find out everything only after you have signed the dotted lines.

Yes, we have all judged and walked down the aisle swearing that our own marriage will be the best and the most perfect. But we wake up 2 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 years or even 15 years later wondering how we survived the past married years without strangling our spouses while being judged by the younger generation for being so slow, too tolerant, too forgiving, too accepting, too soft, too hot, too cold, too married.

One of the advantages I have had as a blogger is that many readers have shared their marital experiences and somehow it has contributed to the tolerance rate of my marriage with my ever amazing Hubby who finds new ways to push back the frontiers of annoyance. Because whenever I lament that Hubby has gone and done it again by leaving his socks on the staircase or left the lights on in all the rooms overnight, there is usually that reader somewhere in Abuja, Jigawa, Brunei, Lebanon, Russia or Rivers that sends me a mail letting me know my situation is even mild compared to hers and goes ahead to lament on the evils her own Hubby had committed the past week and which she had been tolerating for the past few years. And when I hear such amusing but tolerance laden stories, not only do I laugh and empathize while we share funny anecdotes about our spouses, I also get to learn to be more tolerant knowing that somewhere on this earth, there is another long suffering spouse dealing with an unbelievably scattered spouse while another may be dealing with one that wants to make love every 6 hours while another may be dealing with one that likes to eat only fresh meals daily.

The internet in its own mischievous way has helped spouses deal with their marriages when they read and learn about other couples while discovering that their spouse's peculiarities isn't even peculiar at all. People actually feel a little better when they learn that what they are experiencing in marriage is also being experienced worldwide. I mean, I only found out recently it was normal for female spouses to come up with occasional excuses just to avoid sex while I also learnt from another that it was normal for men to choose food over their spouses so much they are not willing to understand when you are tired and just want to sleep. So as a way of sharing marriage lessons and what marriage is really about and what we have all learnt, several couples agreed to share their experiences in marriage and the lessons they got to learn only after they had returned from the honeymoon.

As for me, marriage has taught me patience I never knew I could possess and that when it comes to food, sex & attention, men are NOT willing to compromise. I have also learnt to do everything by myself, that's if I want them in their original position. But it has also thought me selflessness, forgiveness, being tolerant and has taught me that for the next sixty something years that I’d be married to Hubby, I’d be required to cook every day except when he travels and that except he’s not in the mood, I’d have to be available to turn it up at all times he says oya otherwise he will bring in Sulia, omo Iya Alamala to assist me.

Meet the Onis'

Ayodeji Oni 
I had always wished to get married to a stubborn woman but apparently I over did my wishes as I got more than I bargained for -an original iron lady. But then again, I realized I am the spoilt brat and she is just whom God should have given me long ago. Marriage isn’t exactly Christmas, but if well nurtured with patience and love and trust, marriage can be like a child that got a gift from Santa. I am that child that got a gift from Santa. And wifey is the gift.

Meet the Adeites'

Olayinka Adeite
My husband, I call him Blue-bunny, is the silliest, funniest, most humorous, caring and loving person I have ever met. Jeeez, his humor is world best. Marriage has taught me PATIENCE, WISDOM and TOLERANCE. He sure knows how to push my buttons but I have learnt to let things go and just yesterday I realized that I have matured in my few months of been married and the good news is I married my friend.

Meet the Kaponas'

Faith Kapona Arikpo 
So its just one month after officially saying I do, and I have learnt that  men do not like to wait for food, sex and for you to finish making up! They will almost finish the meat or any edible ingredient before the main dish is actually ready. The most annoying part is not allowing me to draw my perfect brows or eye liner in peace. Men should understand that we cannot just wake up, take a shower, put on a dress and go! Make-up is an art, it cannot, I repeat, cannot be rushed. So my hubby already knows that he has to wait for me to at least finish applying foundation before hitting the bathroom, if we are to make it out of the house together at the same pace. 

Meet the Adedejis'

Toyin Adedeji 
Marriage has taught me that I'd probably be coming back home for the rest of my life to a scattered house with socks lying everywhere, shoes under the table, shirts beside the TV, and I'd probably be spending the rest of my life cooking daily for my food loving husband. And on days that I am not in the kitchen and at the office, I’d probably be on my back having sex. But marriage has also taught me to be patient to a ridiculous level as men need patient wives. It has also taught and helped me to be a better person, to be prayerful, hopeful and most importantly, positive always.

Meet the Coles'

Jumoke Cole 
I never knew I could be docile until I got married. In my marriage, I have accepted my role as a wife, a maid, a house keeper and a daily cook. My Hubby's love for chicken and beef is just too annoying. After serving him a plateful of orisirisi, I will still catch him in the kitchen trying to steal some more from my pot. Despite his annoying ways, he is an extremely loving man and sincerely, I don’t know what I would do without my sweetz.

Meet Dayo & wifey

Dayo
Marriage my dear, is teaching me to be MORE independent so as to avoid unnecessary arguments over stuff I expect my partner to know. For instance, who leaves one or two pieces of meat in a big pot with no stew in the fridge or better still in the freezer? Oh, that’s right, my darling spouse! Marriage is also teaching me to eat like a king as wifey knows how to pamper me. I am not really a food person but when you marry a woman who knows her food well like mine does, you simply look forward to going home to eat.

Meet the Olotus'

Claudette Olamide-Olotu
Learning how to forgive a thousand times in a day is one of d greatest lessons that marriage has taught me. Divorce is not an option in my home, so we experience the many challenges that comes along with marriage together and we learn from the experience and this helps make us stronger and more united. We are a team and its "till death do us apart. Motherhood on the other hand has taught me I may never be a size 10 again *sniffs*, but it has also taught me how to love selflessly and truly, it has opened my eyes to see how beautiful and precious life could be.

Meet the Mabos'

Ade Mabo 
Marriage to my spouse has made me accept that she’d probably be spending the rest of her life trying to change all my bad habits (and I don’t have much o) And she has shown me what it means to love selflessly as she gives me her all, faithful to death and I am willing to die for our love(I am aware this statement has officially killed all my cables). But knowing every bit of her heart belongs to me wholeheartedly keeps me going.

Meet the Ashcrofts'

Ijeoma Olusola-Ashcroft 
‎In my 1+ year experience, marriage to my husband has taught me to increase my crap-taking level and learn how to strangle someone’s neck in my mind while smiling charmingly. It has taught me I may never be a size 4 again, that surrogacy is a good option. And I have also learnt to accept (not like I had a choice) that my knees would be touching the floor forever in the name of greeting in the Yoruba way, and that eating out and getting gifts is strictly for birthdays and anniversaries. Despite all these however, I have learnt to accept diversity in cultures and reasoning and also to accept what I cannot change. Love is the only thing that really matters. You CANNOT stay with someone you don't love.

Meet the Sofidiyas'

Morayo Bakare-Sofidiya 
Marriage has taught me extreme patience. My husband is the gentlest man and I mean in all areas even matters of life and death. He takes his time with EVERYTHING and it irritates me to death. He should win an award for world procrastinator. I guess what irritates me about him is also what makes me love him so completely. He is so calm and always in control of situations which brings sanity to my ever boisterous life.



So, how about you? What has marriage taught you? Care to share?

How To Recognize Foolish Dreams

Seriously, only disorganized people say that

It had always been extremely important for me that everything must be in its proper place and position at all times. It is a part of me that I am not willing to compromise for anything or anybody whatsoever. Many friends and even Hubby attributed it to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but for me, that was just too much grammar disorganized people use to justify their disorderliness. I mean, it just made more sense to return my cup or pen where you actually took it from, put my chair back the way it was, leave the heater on the table at the exact position you met it, return the lid of my cream jar, remove the hair from my comb after using, leave my slippers at the exact position you met it, close the door that was opened or simply lock the door the way you met it.

For me, it was simply unforgivable that you don’t leave things the exact way you met it, I mean, the absolute exactness. And because I come from a family where orderliness, neatness and precision to house details is overtly emphasized, there was nothing wrong with me. It was normal and I assumed everyone was brought up this way or grew up same way.

Hian! I had never been so wrong in my life.

Few nights back, Hubby came down with a cold and as usual, I became my fussy caring self and boy, did he milk it for all it was worth! I didn't mind however as I had just recovered from an illness myself and Hubby surprisingly was at his most caring (I was well aware though that someway, somehow and someday, I’d pay for all those attention he showered on me. But that was not important for now) so as a result, I had no choice than to take care of my better half as he did when I was down.

So on that fateful night, I got home slightly late from work and too lazy to eat remembering I read on WebMD that I fell under the overweight section and should watch my calories. So despite being slightly hungry, I chose not to eat and concentrated on feeding my dear Hubby. Having ensured he was well fed and at his most comfortable angle on the bed, I performed the final domestic ritual for the night -locked all doors, turned off all lights, took my shower and excitedly jumped into bed beside him. Earlier that evening, PHCN had answered the true names of their investors and gone ahead to make enemies of all Lagosians as usual. So we had switched on to the gen and because the light had not returned as at almost midnight, we assumed we’d be spending the night using the artificial light producer.

Our own is the biggest o

But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard the sound of the split unit come on signaling the arrival of PHCN. I grumbled a bit but remembered we had shared duties at home and his own tasks included turning on the gen and putting it off as at when due. And as a rule, once I’d taken my night shower and jumped into bed, omo, it will take baba ijebu jazz to get me off that bed as I don’t like to rumple my bed by moving in and out. For me, a well laid bed is very key (My OCD is extreme, trust me). And because he had become somewhat annoying within the few minutes of me hitting the bed, I was mutinous and had refused to stand to switch off the gen consoling myself that he was down with mere cold and standing to do his duty won’t hurt his nasal cavity. So I crawled under the duvet while he stood to switch off the gen and I promptly closed my eyes imagining the blissful night I’d have.

Another big mistake! Apparently, I hadn’t learnt my lesson after the hot cup of Milo & toast bread saga. You can catch up here.

As soon as I heard him open the door to switch off the gen, it crossed my mind briefly that “I hope he’d remember to lock the doors properly and turn off the lights o”. Because for some very strange reasons inexplicable to the gods and man, Hubby knows how to turn on switches but not turning it off. And once the sound of the gen went off, I tuned my ears very wide open to catch the sound of him locking the doors and turning off the light switches. But because I had somehow upset him due to a recurring annoying habit I had unbelievably exhibited in the past and on that night, he was upset with me and as he came back in to the room, I pretended to be asleep so he won’t start chastising me. Somewhere while pretending to be asleep, I must have dozed off, on a hungry stomach and with skeptical thoughts running through my mind on whether he locked the doors and turned off all the light switches.  

Boo says I look like an angel when I sleep, so yeah I maintain that's me

The first sign that there was a serious problem that just didn't fit was when I started hearing myself snore even while asleep. Wondering where the sound was coming from, I saw Mercy Johnson walking with a fast pace and I asked her why the school field was empty as everyone was supposed to be on the assembly ground. She hurriedly mentioned that I should hide as the lions are out and they are eating people that the schools are donating to them. Out of fear, I ran into a very small room and saw Tiwa Savage, Bruce Willis & a colleague of mine trying to come into the room but the door could not close. Because the room was so small, I knew if they come in, the lions will be able to fish us out. But I was somehow happy I was at the far end of the room thinking the lions would eat them first and should be full before it gets to me.

As I was getting comfortable where I was hiding, the door to the room opened and a lioness told us all to come out. At this point I was crying but the lion politely moved away from the door and asked me to come out. We were all arranged on the huge field in a single file. Suddenly, I thought of an idea that I should start coughing which I did and out of concern, the lion asked me to go back to the room (At this point, my snores grew louder and I am guessing even my snores were like “ahn ahn aunty what kind of stupid dream are you conjuring up that the lions are asking you to go because you are coughing when they can simply eat you and solve your cough problems”)

Anyway, while running back to the room I hid in the first place (you know what they say about how stupid dreams are and how foolish the people in the dreams can be, because I should have figured the room was not safe again) I saw my husband walking innocently in the dream beside one very hot chick (I naturally donated her to the lions. No woman is collecting my Hubby in my own dream) and I quickly called him to come into the room with me which he did. (I was glad to know he listens to me even when I was asleep and dreaming foolishly). As we were in the room, Lionel Richie opened the door to the room and said it was time for my husband to perform and while still asking what he was performing for since lions were all over the place, I felt hands all over my body searching for something while my snores grew louder and Lionel Richie and my Hubby were asking me accusingly where that noise was coming from.

With fear and panic, I turned around to find myself totally out of the duvet and snoring myself awake while Hubby was frantically searching for the AC remote with his eyes fully shut. I drowsily passed him the remote and knew what I had to do as I briefly glanced at the time on my phone and saw it was 2:15am.

When I was sure Hubby had slept back, I silently left the room, walked down the stairs, checked all the doors, sure I’d find them fully open with some goons waiting politely at the entrance wanting to take their belongings their forefathers worked for. I was relieved and happy Hubby disappointed my skeptical mind even though my sick OCD mind noticed the door mat was slightly skewed and the slippers at the entrance looked disarranged. All lights however looked like there were several auctioning sales going on at a huge trade center with manufacturers competing for the most luminous bulbs and fluorescent lighting. I calmly turned off all the lights as nagging by that time of the night would have been ridiculous and slightly psychotic since the recipient was not there to hear.

I walked into the kitchen, made myself a bowl of cornflakes and microwaved a piece of meat to go with the cornflakes and had a late night dinner (to hell with WebMD and their calories advice). I am not going back to that bed on an empty stomach and skeptical mind on whether the doors are locked and lights are off, to go and continue the lucid dreams of polite lionesses, talking lions and frolicking with major stars I haven’t even seen in real life.