This Post on Haggling Has No Title

My mum is a pro when it comes to haggling. Wherever she shopped, I had no doubt that she got the best offer available. She can haggle a great offer with anyone for any reason. And because she took me with her to most of the markets, I learned a lot about haggling/negotiating as I grew. It could be buying meat from the local market woman or haggling for the repair of the kitchen faucet from the plumber or the repair of the furniture from the carpenter or even negotiating on a service with a friend, my mum always ended up getting the best offer and she ensured I witnessed all this.

Fast forward to the present, haggling is one of my expertise, and trust me when I say it’s not because I am being cheap. I simply understand that in life, for everything to go smoothly, we have to disagree to agree. Unfortunately, the art of haggling is something a lot of Nigerians are uncomfortable with at best, and often try to avoid entirely as they consider it a status "thing" to be able to meet the initial offer/price mentioned. Not me sha.

Where I’m concerned, the need to haggle no matter how fair the initial offer had been is innate. In fact my mind is so conditioned to “price market” that the minute someone mentions their offer, my brain is automatically conditioned to say “ahn ahn why is it that expensive now?” or “Can’t I get a better offer than this?”

I believe the problem (if you choose to see it that way) began when my mum sent me to help her get some tomatoes worth sixty naira from the nearby market with fifty naira. Despite being apprehensive that the market women were going to beat me blue black, I heeded my mother’s instructions and proceeded to the market. And to my shock, the market women eagerly sold three cans of tomatoes for fifty naira. That move encouraged me to begin haggling- whether when buying products or seeking some services.

To further put my haggling practice into perfection, sometime in the early 2000 when I was a teenager, I escaped being lynched in Oshodi when I attempted to price a very expensive material I wanted to use for my birthday from 4600 naira to 800 naira. (I’m not exaggerating). Armed with the notion I got from people that Igbo traders multiply the product’s real price by four, I confidently faced an Igbo store owner and slashed her final asking price to eight hundred naira. She must have concluded I wasn’t going to buy the material (I would actually have bought it if she had agreed to my offer of 800 naira) and she started shouting and calling other shop owners around her to come and witness what she is witnessing today o. God must have intervened on that day as I thought someone was going to bring out petrol and tyre the way they all turned to me and lambasted my actions. 

Don’t blame me. I learned from the best.

I once visited a major market with my mum and I witnessed as she haggled the price of a very huge catfish such that the fish seller was left quite speechless and all she could say was “Mummy, e mu eja yen le. Boya ti e ba suun si waju, won ma ta fun yin ni iye yen”(Mummy, put that fish down. Maybe if you move forward a bit, other sellers may sell to you at that price)At this point, she even pointed to somewhere unclear and went back to her seat totally ignoring us from then. From that day, I ensured my mum and I do not visit the market together.

Recently, I even attempted to update my haggling tactics when I attempted to negotiate the cost of the total bill incurred during my daughter’s delivery. The extremely well-traveled doctor had a look of shock when I suggested how much we were willing to pay and like someone chastising an errant and dumb child, proceeded to explain why it was impossible to even remove one naira, especially in the kind of tush environment I had dared to try. I even saw the look of embarrassment hubby had when I proceeded to expose my ratchet haggling attitude in the posh doctor’s office. 

But here’s a truth that many of us don’t always consider: every interaction we have with another person is a form of haggling. From negotiating with your lover on having them come and pick you from work if they want you to sleep over, choosing that dark Yoruba demon among the numerous inter-tribal suitors you have, negotiating that salary plus vacation wages with the prospective employer you are looking to join, to being able to successfully reduce the price of that new DVD from that Igbo trader, we are navigating a in a world of back and forth negotiation and the better you are at influencing, persuading and negotiating towards getting the best out of people, the better you will be for it. I recently witnessed a sweet tongued friend of mine negotiate with a new employer an annual salary that was quadruple of what she was earning in her previous place of work. And she succeeded just because she dared and didn’t just accept what she was offered.

If you simply accept whatever people offer you without questioning, you will always have no choice than to take what’s given to you and hope that it matches what you want. Most times, it usually doesn’t.

Your boss wants you to work this weekend, how about negotiating to close early on Friday so you can finish up all your house chores on time to come early the next day? Your spouse wants pounded yam after work, how about negotiating to have him look after the kids for the rest of the night and also help in changing the front wheels of your car? Someone is asking for a certain sum of money as loan, how about negotiating a capital NO? Your son/daughter has tabled the bill for dic, tion and nary which they need to buy urgently before school resumes, how about negotiating to help them purchase the books since you are on your way to the market anyway? He wants to marry you before completion of your education and promises to finance the rest of your schooling after marriage, how about negotiating to have him make the funds available into your personal bank account before you accept the ring or even pay the tuition ahead of time to the school in question?

You see why you need to learn the art of haggling? And where better to start than the local markets particularly those men/women that sell meat, brokoto and fish- eja obokun especially.

WARNING- Why Marriage May Cause You to Lose Friends

Even Monica & Rachael had a fight when Chandler came into the picture

I’m really not the kind of person that makes friends easily with other ladies. I proceed with caution where new friendship is concerned. And whatever existing friendship I already have, I guard jealously. Women are known not to make the most loyal of friends.

It was this sort of guarded friendship I shared with Ayo, a friend I met during the compulsory National Youth Service Orientation in Abuja and grew over the years.

I liked to believe this was due to the fact that we both shared the same goals and ambition in the areas of education and career expectations. We had seemed to be the only ones back then in Abuja that never quite understood the hype ladies placed in getting married and making babies once out of school and done with service. We were genuinely confused as to the low ambitious levels of ladies around us back then. There was just so much we wanted to achieve before walking down the aisle.

Really, what's the rush? We are going to be there for the rest of our lives

Whenever we met at Ceddi Plaza, Southern Fries or any other restaurant within Abuja metropolis, we discussed the business degrees we wanted to acquire and the businesses we hoped to launch and pursue in the near future once done with further learning. Our parents had given us comfortable lives and we wanted to ensure that continued.

We had kept in touch even after she had left the shores of the country to pursue her educational and career goals and remained there. And it was during our usual back and forth exchange of mails that Ayo wanted to know: “I have realized and even here in the States, that married people I thought we were quite cordial seem so standoffish like being married is a prize and they do alienate to doing things with themselves alone and behaving funny towards we single people. What’s up with that babes?”

The question came as no surprise as I had lost touch with some few friends after marriage and I knew some single women who had shared similar complaints about their married friends in the past and lamented on the sheer arrogance of it all. I agreed with her that some women become downright annoying and judgmental the minute they become married. And I explained to her that some of these women grew up in environments and societies that had repeatedly told them marriage and child bearing were the highest achievements a woman is expected to attain and without it, they would remain unaccomplished and un-celebrated.

Thus, when such women finally end up with a ring on their finger, their attitudes could be compared to that of extremely successful people because for them, marriage defines success and they have achieved it. So if they have friends that have not achieved that level of success which they have achieved, they will turn up their “successful” noses at the rest of their “unsuccessful” friends yet to achieve the marital and “motherhood” status.

In Nigeria especially, it's not just to get married, you must yield fruit after 9 months otherwise it's the woman's fault. 

However, the reason most married women lose their single friends go way beyond what a lot of people have assumed to be true.

SPOUSES SEVERE RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN WOMEN- This may seem impossible but some spouses ensure their wives severe relationships with some friends who they believe may be bad influences. This is however more common with men who are domineering and rather insecure. In some cases, these single friends may genuinely be bad influences whose traits the married woman may already be exhibiting in her matrimonial home. This is however rare. Rather, most often than not, the major reasons husbands try to severe such relationships is because:

a) The single friend’s got s**t on him and he is most uncomfortable knowing his wife is friends with someone who has dirt on him. Dirt in this case could mean she knows someone he is secretly dating or she may have been the one he used to date secretly even while with his wife but he is no longer dating her. Or he has been trying to get back into her once generous pants but she isn’t returning his advances. Men usually want to cut their wives from such single friends as it makes them feel less guilty having their indiscretion so close to home. So as a married woman, if your spouse is trying to severe your relationship from a friend who is not a bad person, you may want to look deeper as most men that fall under the category of friendship-severer usually have something to hide.

SINGLE WOMEN UNCONSCIOUSLY STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY "FEEL" THEY ARE NO LONGER A PRIORITY – This usually occurs especially among friends that are more than two in a clique and more than one of them is married. The remaining single woman/women in this clique believe(s) the married ones will start judging now that they have gotten married. As a result of this assumption, many single women create a gap between their married friends and themselves to avoid being judged.

MARRIED WOMEN FEEL THEY MAY BE BORING TO THEIR SINGLE FRIENDS- I mean let’s face it, what gist can a married woman possibly have with her single friend that won’t have the phrase “my husband” , “my mum-in-law”, “the nanny is wicked” or “my baby” repeated more than 900 times within two sentences? Most married women, except where very extrovertish and not really much of a home maker, usually believe they have nothing new or interesting to share with their friends and most times, avoid getting together so they don’t seem to have a boring life now that they are married while beefing from afar.

MARRIED WOMEN RESENT SINGLE WOMEN’S FREEDOM- Sorry ladies, its true! Yup, I said it. No, resentment does not imply we are wishing we were single again. Far from it! Chances however abound that you probably have more interesting DP’s to share on Facebook, BBM and Instagram while the only pictures married women may manage to have and share is the baby bump they have shown their single friends a million times, the new haircut of the baby, the baby’s first tooth, the husband in the car taking a selfie he was forced to take with wifey, grandma holding the baby which only looks adorable to us and nobody else, the “look, mummy no hands” images of baby’s first walk, the pre-pregnancy pictures that in Nigeria, we only dare to share after delivery, the new walker we got for the baby, Hubby’s birthday cake and other humdrum dumdrum that shows our primary life is now centered around our family- husband and children. And there you are, in all your single gorgeous blazing glory on the strong arms of Idris Elba’s look alike *drooling*, flashy gowns which yeah, we think is too short and “why are your legs and arms so toned and perfect” we hate you!), perfect eyebrows, coming back from the late night shows with hotter friends you have replaced us with, late night movies with some unbelievably gorgeous friends and other annoying envious stuff we now hate you for. To think the last club and night outing we attended was our Hubby's distant uncle's late dad's burial. Sorry, but until you start sharing those same-ol images of you in sweat pants and slaving away for your six kids and overgrown hubby baby like we do, we are going to continue hating!

DIFFERENT GOALS, DIFFERENT PRIORITIES- Fact remains that a married woman’s goal totally differs from a single woman's goal. Married women that are able to maintain status quo with single friends are either married to men who do not stay in the same location with them giving the women more time to be with single friends, or there are no kids yet hence the freedom to still act single. However, a married woman in Nigeria with kids have several external circumstances that prevent deep cultivation of a relationship with friends that are still single. Her priorities become her spouse, her children, her spouse’s family, her work and her children’s lifestyle, hoping against all that they don't grow to tell her 'I was born a human but I really feel like I am meant to be a sheep instead". The little free time she has left, she will rather prefer to sleep or hide in Guangzhou, away from where her spouse and children can ever locate her than hang out with friends.

And this goes vice versa. Men also lose friends after marriage. Once married, your overall goal changes. Things happen, circumstances occur and priorities change. Some are deliberate but truth is most are not.

I mean, If I hang out with a group of friends- both single, the single ladies will most likely want to talk about the number of guys on their cases, the latest aso-ebi style, how expensive Bisi’s wedding was despite the shortage of semo and moin moin, teach one another the latest dance moves and maybe even throw a very fake "how's your baby and husband na?" greeting just to show they still care somehow.

While the less than 4 years married Mummy Kami in the group may simply be trying so hard not to yawn but check her phone for the 17th time to see whether Daddy Kami has called and if he is already on his way home so she can bring out the vegetable and fish stew from the freezer, hoping he won’t notice the stew is now salty though. And in another corner of the living room where the young MummyMofe is sitted trying to forcefully breastfeed cranky Mofe, she may be wondering whether anyone else had told Bimpe who just gave birth to cut down on the cold water so her tummy can look less like a 7 months pregnant woman with twins. 

And just in the very shaded corner of the room cut away from the rowdiness of it all, I will be sitted close to the door wondering when I could sneak out and if I should just come outright and tell Bukky to really shut up about the color of her new born's poop, and silently hoping Hubby will get home and just take Golden-Morn as I was not ready to prepare any fresh meal.

I mean, depending on which side you are on, do you really give a flying saucer about all other unnecessary information that isn't yours?

Kpsheew

The Danger of a Midnight Cuddle

I love to hug and cuddle. A whole lot.

For me, I believe it’s one of the most powerful ways to express affection and show how much someone means to you. In a manner of speaking, sharing a deep hug or cuddling next to someone you love can be quite emotional and relaxing. You can actually have an inkling how much someone cares just by the way and manner of hug and cuddles they pass your way.

Which was why during the early wooing stages when Hubby was still trying to justify why no other creation of God could make me as happy as he could (Yep, he said it), one of the first questions I asked him was:

“Do you like PDA”? (Mehn, that question was very important as I didn’t want to end up with a guy who would post on Facebook or Twitter “Happy Birthday to the love of my life, you know yourself!” And 38 girls would happily smile and gush thinking it was them)

Hubby is the last person you can catch unawares though. With a very mushy expression, he held my hands and pledged his undying support for PDA and his belief that it was a way of reassuring a woman how deeply he loves her. He even rubbed my hand affectionately in that public spot we were that day just to show me how much PDA I could look forward to if I could simply just promise to be his prize for the rest of eternity. He even went ahead to promise he would name our first daughter with my name. Now he is saying that royal name of mine is old school.

Fast forward to many months of marriage and Hubby has been able to prove that he is not averse in any way to public display of affection. And as a woman, there are just some days you come home and just want to nestle into the crook of your man’s arms, crooning and moaning about the hassles of the day. Hubby indulges me during these times and even ruffles my head in affection while he presses away on his phone and chats across 3 groups.

That should have been the warning sign. The head ruffle. The same type you give to your Chihuahua that you named Champagne, Fluffy, Petal, or one of those exotic names you give to pets that are very close to the floor without letting them distract you.

Apart from being a lover of hugs and cuddles, I am also a light sleeper. So most times when I wake around midnight to ease myself, getting back to sleep is usually nearly impossible. It’s during these sleepless moments I usually want to experience some warm cuddles the most. Hubby knows this and though indulges me most times, he is quick to stop me with a glaring look when he sees I’ve got the mushy look of “I’m coming in for a cuddle” and especially when he just showers and still basking in the coolness of his own body.  And when I’m hit by these emotions at night, I look at Hubby on the other side of bed looking so peaceful while snoring softly with his arms flung over his head and one tucked away by his neck or stomach and I just want to nestle close and cuddle to sleep there.

However, when you have been married for many months to a man who takes after Jackie Chan in moves when woken abruptly and needs up to 30 years to join we mortals back on earth after disrupting his sleep, you try to be wise and plan your cuddly midnight moments accordingly to avoid sharing the same looks with a battered thief on the street of Lagos.

So on that fateful night, Hubby had earlier warned me not to go to bed early as I stood a higher chance of waking early and not being able to  go back to sleep. But I had ignored. I was just too tired. And he didn't bother to argue nor warned me not to disturb him when I woke. It wasn't necessary as I was a very peaceful bedtime mate and never had I had the cause to wake him in the past.

At around midnight, I woke abruptly and with a sense of sadness, shone my flashlight to check the time. It was 12:45am. I knew the rest of the night was going to be long. As soon as I had relieved myself, I shone the light briefly at Hubby’s sleeping silhouette and I was enveloped by a rush of warmth. He is the only one I know who looks so innocent while asleep. Lying on his back, with his head facing the wall and with his hand flung across his head and one tucked peacefully by his neck, I dove in for a cuddle nestling so close I could hear his gentle heartbeat while using my free arm to softly rub his chest as it heaved up and down slowly.

The first sign of trouble was when the soft snoring stopped suddenly and he turned his head swiftly to look down at what was nestling under his arm. While he did this, I knew I had made a mistake and I had up to 20 seconds as Hubby required some questions to be answered mentally before gaining back his reality- Where am i? Who is this? What year are we? Has Soyinka been released? Is Abacha dead? Have we gained independence? Have they found Shekau? How did I come to being? What nestles in my arm so? What have I done? Are we alone? Who gave me life? Is this heaven?” And so many other questions I imagine he gets answers to before joining us back on planet earth.

I was aware the answers to these questions would take up to 20-30 seconds in his mind so I resignedly waited for it.

I can’t really explain what happened next or if there was any external assistance or whether he simply wished it in his mind and it happened. All I knew was that like a millipede suddenly hit with salt, my eyes only had time to register the swift Jet Li move Hubby did with the arm where my head was nestled and like a surreal movie, I watched the way my head and whole body was ejected out of those arms I was admiring some seconds back like a cracked CD in a Blu-ray system. 

I still maintain that the duvet smiled at me when my fallen butt joined it, right on the floor where I’d thrown it earlier in the night. And the soft snoring continued. Almost immediately from the bed above. Like it never happened. And I had simply chosen to sleep on the floor, albeit an askew position possible to do by myself.

He still denies ever doing such. Doesn't matter though, I already learned that when it comes to Hubby, a midnight cuddle is as dangerous as a cold bath during the harmattan season. So I just maintain my side and only cuddle during the day when it’s much safer. 

Fast and Furious 8: The Naija Marriage Edition

I am an undiscovered Formula One driver.

"Tejumade Shakirat Fola- Alade of Osun state!!!!!" Hubby Screamed. "Did you not see that Pot hole?!"

"Which pothole? That small gallop?" Hian!

I was driving on the express way at a speed that would have made even Vin Diesel’s character in the Fast and Furious franchise smile with glee. Hubby was hunched at a corner in the car with a look of horror on his face, but after all it’s an expressway and I wasn’t even at 120Km/h yet and he was complaining.

I am one of the most impatient drivers on the streets of Lagos. And a lot of my friends who have witnessed my driving antics behind the wheels would agree wholeheartedly.

Oh yes, they complain and whine about how fast I was going but I always have the same question for them all, “But did you die? Shebi you are still alive”, and I usually ask further “how come you always come to me when you need to get somewhere quickly”

Ok, maybe I don't go that fast but many have sworn this was all they saw

Even Hubby, whose attention span for everything is shorter than the shortest fuse in the world, pays the most attention when I’m behind the wheels and is usually quick to share some advice, “Be careful o”, “Watch that pot hole o”, “What are you driving”, “You are too fast madam”, “Park let me come and drive”, “Are you aware you have left your lane”, “You are just a menace to Lagos streets”, "You drive like a bank robber", You must have been a car smuggler in your past life", “Your license should be revoked“ I’m never letting you drive again, ever”.

 He will drone on and on. But I usually have the same response for him just like everyone else, “But did you die or have an accident”?

Now you should understand me; I am the number one, okay maybe number two, fine maybe not in the top thirty, but an ardent follower of road regulations. I believe in maintaining one lane from the beginning of a road till the end of a road, well, except a truck breaks down and we are all redirected to join another lane, just that when I move on that particular lane, I move very fast and with precision.

Outside of that, I am a very vocal advocate of maintaining road sanity. Despite this belief though, I do not waste time on Lagos roads. When I drive, I drive with purpose, focus, determination and unbelievable calculation. And God bless anyone who dares to enter my lane. For me, driving is like success. To achieve it, you need an admirable level of focus, unwavering concentration, dogged determination, swiftness and precision.

And the way I drive is exactly the way I eat, write, think and birth scalable ideas, swift, fast and with concentrated precision. Hubby on the other hand is another story when it comes to eating, but thank God he makes up for his eating peeves with other important things I want him to.

Eating for me is an art form, a beautiful flow of movement that must be made with precision. From the minute the meal is ready to the time I serve myself and sit to eat, I work with careful shrewdness and precise clarity.

Before the meal is served, I get my tray ready, ensure the plates, cutlery and serviette is properly laid beside the tray, well cleaned and devoid of any stain, the glass cup is placed perpendicularly to the chosen dish and once I dish the meal, I clean any new stain either on the tray or the dish itself. The water in the glass cup has to reach a certain level to be allowed to make its way into my throat. And when I finally place the meal either in the living room or bedroom, the cooling unit or fan must be well regulated to ensure I don’t sweat. Then I press the ‘play’ button on either my laptop or TV to watch a selected movie that will match the pace of the meal I am about to consume.

I maintain that position until I am done with the meal. No change of movement, no change of hands, no interference from anything whatsoever (I believe it’s a sin to respond to calls or chats while eating.). And like a robot, I eschew external activities outside the goal of consuming that meal with respect and reverence.

For me, food is an art that needs concentration

Because of this rigid process I have adopted when eating, I concluded few days after my wedding that Hubby and I would probably never get to eat from the same plate. NEVER!!!!!

Many have tried though to romantically make us eat together. I mean, I have gone to some places where we were not even asked before we would see just one plate of rice and one soup bowl with maybe 2 pieces or 4 pieces of meat waltz into the room in the hands of the naive guest, depending on how (un)expected the visit was. Whenever situations like this occur, Hubby and I makes it clear with a very straight face that such should not repeat itself or we will start a family feud with the erring parties.

You see, the reason is not as a result of abundance of love or lack of it thereof. The reason is simply that: when it comes to food, Hubby and I are the opposites of two different coins from two different countries. When it comes to food, Hubby and I are like two peas in two different pods on two different trees. When it comes to food, I am Saturn, and Hubby is Uranus. I am Fire, Hubby is Ice. We simply do not blend. Because, just like my driving pattern, my food pattern reflects same: quick, prompt, swift, purposeful, determined and moving with a passion. 

Hubby on the other hand believes that after one spoon of rice or any meal he could be having, he is entitled to a return trip to all online websites, respond to some urgent official enquiries, whatever is showing on Sound-City, MTV Base or CNN, the latest series, who’s saying what on his BBM, have a heated BBM discussion with OSAKA on who’s hotter between myself, Amber Rose and Kim Kardashian, if any of his group chat buddies requires his urgent attention before finally coming to take the second spoon of meal and repeat the whole cycle. And after 3-4 hours of these activities, not only would I be done eating, I would already be thinking what next we should have for dinner or breakfast the next day.

Add a phone, a BBM charger, a tab and a DVD remote to the equation please

So most times when innocent couples get to pair us to enjoy a meal together from the same plates and soup bowls, the scenarios are usually the same, always, and at all times:

I remember one particular incident when we went to visit some friends which nearly began a civil war;

*A tray containing a plate of rice and another with stew was brought into the living room. Hubby and I looked on suspiciously as we expected our hosts to make another trip to the kitchen but got disappointed when they sat and grinned at us happily like they just saved our marriage by pairing our meals together. *

Hubby to Hosts: “E ku ise oh, ermm, may I ask why you put our food together?”

*I looked on belligerently at the guests waiting for justification of such anomaly*

Hosts: “*While still smiling lovingly and affectionately at us, they responded* Ahn ahn are you not husband and wife?”

Hubby: “Please next time let’s all respect ourselves o, THIS WAS WHAT CAUSED CIVIL WAR IN MOGADISHU”

Me: *Frowning, I noticed that one spoon was larger than the other but knowing well what to expect from Hubby, I gave him the larger spoon and took the smaller much but much more mobile one.

Hubby: I see you are feeling submissive today, you gave me the bigger spoon.

Me: * Still frowning* “Please let’s eat, I am hungry”.

Hubby: “The turkey and brokoto are for me o. You take the chicken and gizzard”

Me: *Continues eating as I take the 6^th round of spoon while he was still trying to get his phone from his pocket and adjust his sitting position*

Hubby: “You are too fast o. You are finishing the stew.”

Hubby: “He picks up his Tab, Phone, asks the guests for the TV remote and begins his round the world in a few hours journey as I eat with purpose, clarity and vision.

*While he does this, I quickly took half of the Turkey, a quarter of the brokoto and hid the remaining in the rice*

*He continues pressing his phone and doesn’t notice.

Me: “Sweety, eat fast na so we can clear this place on time.

Hubby: “Please don’t rush me o.”

Me: *Takes the final 24^th spoon of rice and stood to go to the living room area to gist with our guests.

*I am hardly out of the dining room area when I hear a scream “What happened to my chicken and Gizzard?”, hurrying away at what is about to come but unapologetic. I was just happy I had reduced the amount of time he would be spending on that dining table by assisting in eating his meat. I quickly started gisting with our guests while we waited for Hubby to round off.

*Very many years later after our last child graduates from Harvard and our guests have relocated to California, Hubby drops the well eaten turkey bone, took a final sweep of the brokoto bone with his tongue, wipes his mouth with his serviette and looks across to me where I’m already grey haired and rocking our fourth grandchild to sleep and says* “Baby I’m done eating”.

Na today! Shebi it’s Hubby.

The Problem With 50 Shades of Grey.........

I’m a core romantic, both at heart and in deeds.

I am that person that sees sweet little cupid arrows behind every smile exchanged between an adoring couple, that wedding guest that excitedly looks out for the bride and groom's chemistry either through their dance moves or the way they exchange sweet little kisses. I am also that passerby that looks out for chemistry everywhere on the street, gushing, oohing and aah-ing over the couple who seemed and looked so adorable.

I also fantasize a lot. While growing up, I invested a lot of my pocket money on Harlequins, Mills & Boons as well as Silhouette novels. And once I purchased a new romance novel and got introduced to the hot hero in question, I would spend the next few days fantasizing and daydreaming I was the lucky woman in the novel lucky enough to have the tall, dark and handsome hero to myself who usually seemed too perfect.(But that didn't matter then.)

Until I got to purchase another novel and another hot Viscount, Lord or Duke was introduced to me, my fantasy was usually fixated on my latest read. And in all these novels, the men usually started out forcing the women to either kiss them, sleep with them or fall in love with them. Some of these men even forcefully slept with women who are then portrayed to have ended up enjoying the sex thereby psychologically convincing the readers that it was not actually rape since the women ended up having an orgasm. In all these novels, the men’s charm always overrode their complaints and they became pliant and even got to fall in love. (I'm surprised that feminists are yet to react to these novels as many realistic romantic lives got ruined early due to the expectations these novels set that made women want the unrealistic from their men who were usually portrayed as forceful in these novels but end up getting their way)

Note that most romantic novels are written by women, including 50 Shades of Grey.

I stopped reading novels completely just before I rounded off my NYSC as priorities had changed and chose to focus more on career work, more academic content and upgraded to motivational books. However, when 50 Shades of Grey was released as a novel across the world and the buzz became louder than the engine of a locomotive train, I joined the band wagon and purchased the book.

I’d be lying if I said I did not have some jimmies jammies in my tummy whenever Anastasia and Christian so much as looked as each other as portrayed in the novel. Yes, the story was rather unrealistic but we have got to admit that such chemistry in the real world would flame up any bedroom! I concluded it would be great to watch the movie in real life and see how it panned out.

As soon as Hubby and I learnt the movie had been released across cinemas in Lagos, we tried our best possible to catch up with it at the cinema knowing fully well it would soon be banned but we couldn't. We had to resort to looking for who had downloaded the movie. 

Lo and behold, a good hacker Samaritan blessed us with the HD uncut version of it. (Shout out to that hacker Samaritan of life that can download anything from anywhere! - Universal Pictures is watching you on 3D!). 

So armed with two packs of Malteasers under the duvet with some chilled Wilson's lemonades as well as a couple of well seasoned fried turkeys, Hubby and I laid to watch 50 Shades of Grey, in frenzied anticipation, fiery tension and giggling fervor wondering but hoping we would also get carried away like the lady that forgot her pair of panties at the cinema after watching the movie.(We even had to dim the bedroom lights in case we got carried away and wanted to move things seamlessly to the next level. lol) 

Oh boy, I had never felt like I had wasted many years of my life in a few minutes after watching just some few scenes of this over-exaggerated movie. Because after 15 mins of the unappealing intense look(more like stalkish) exchange between broody Grey and weak willed Anastasia who surprisingly had “yes” as an answer to every request that came her way, Hubby and I dozed off, with our barely touched Malteasers, empty turkey bowls and warm lemonades around us.

We actually started watching the movie at 9.30 pm and before we could say "Sai Buhari", it was 6:00am in the morning. Initially we thought maybe time had passed by and we were just tired so we decided to try it the following day, hoping to continue from where we stopped. As soon as we picked up again from where Anastasia barfed around Grey at a party, we barely went past another 10 minutes before we returned to our laptops, browsing lazily. (You'd wonder why we didn't just switch off the TV and simply admit the movie was a cuckoodle, especially to women)

It’s been over a month and some days and we still cannot bring ourselves to complete the movie.

Apart from the fact that Christian Grey is unappealingly short, he also has serious mummy issues that remained unresolved after many years, hence the need to take out his frustrations on women. With such unresolved issues from the past, no Nigerian woman would have touched him even with all that money. 

And you definitely dare not beat any Nigerian woman during sex if you don’t want to lose a testicle, especially the right one. Anastasia as a heroine was so weak that I am still appalled women didn't revolt after watching just some few scenes. Her weakness was practically appalling and she lacked any personality that would have made her attractive to any complete man without any hidden issues of his own, like Christian Grey. Only a weak man with issues would find a weak willed woman attractive.(guessed that was why E.L James lumped Grey & Anastasia up, two weak souls)

Strength is a major sexual factor in Nigeria. It is what Nigerian men sell to their intending prey and what they want from a sexual partner as well and possibly the mother of their kids.

Strength & Confidence is key in Africa. That is why Black American romantic movies show men like Idris Elba, Denzel Washington, Morris Chestnut, Taye Diggs ripping with muscles while showing their strengths at home whether as a rich character or a poor one. Their strengths get to sell, always.

Hubby and I thus agreed that 50 Shades of Grey was definitely not for the African market. They should have simply left it in the North & South American continent where anything sells.

Approximately a month and some few days after we got the movie, even though we never made it past 15mins during each watch, we deleted it, right after watching the scene where Anastasia actually signed a written agreement to be a leash and flogged dog for Christian Grey.(Someone's daughter o)

Not sure what E.L James was thinking but that movie was an insult to women and represented everything we had fought against for centuries. It mocks all articles and talk shows on abuse of any kind to women.

Hian. 

N:B- This is not an objective movie review. This is the blunt mindset of a romantic addict who believed 50 Shades of Grey did not in anyway put women in the flattering light as the movie clearly confirmed the phrase- it's still a man's world after all. 

Long Post Alert - Women & Our Amazing Threshold for Bullshit

I woke up yesterday morning for the first time in a very long while with absolutely nothing to do and no idea what task to engage in. For someone who practically works Mondays to Sundays, it felt somewhat nourishing to be able to laze in bed (Currently on leave and just discovered how much I enjoy sleeping and doing nothing). I mean, I am always busy doing one official thing or the other on normal days and being on leave simply means not going to work yet I am usually still engaged in several official tasks but yesterday happened to be the only day I had rebelliously refused to turn on my laptop and just decided to laze and snore my way around our bed. (Hubby mentioned he had never seen anyone so susceptible to so much sleep and if he had known I loved sleeping this much, he would have kept his ring).

Hian! Me that I can sleep for Africa and other neighboring continents at no cost. Just give me a soft pillow, the cooling unit on 16 degrees with a Binatone fan and the sound of a moving train will hold nothing to my snores!

To while away the time before I thought of what to have for breakfast, I decided to go through the BBM Channel update on my Blackberry Passport (Green Eyed Jealousy has never paid anyone!) and what immediately caught my attention was the growing trend of baby mamas which is fast becoming a borrowed western fad. The BBM Channel had an update urging us to open a particular link to view the 15 celebrities with Baby Mamas and their cute babies. And because I had suddenly developed a deep interest in aprokoism, I clicked and was taken to the world of celebrities with cute babies and baby mamas. And what ran through them all were the beautiful baby mamas who actually posed for the camera smiling gleefully with their cute babies. And something also ran through most of them, out of the 15 celebrities with baby mamas, over 5 of them were very clear about having no intention of marrying their respective baby mamas.

Choi, I miss my grandmother and was even tempted to report them to my mum and aunties. They would have done justice to the insults and as one of my friend’s mum would say, “won ready but won redi” (ask your Yoruba friends about this one). The idea of now having a child outside the institution of marriage is fast becoming an accepted fad in Africa even though it mocks the very existence of our religious beliefs. I honestly don’t even know who I am to be more pissed off with. Whether it’s the little boys sacred of commitment but wanting to be able to fuck womanize freely  (because this idea of deliberately getting a woman pregnant without the hope of getting married to her just surfaced and was not this rampant years ago) who do this and brag about it, thereby objectifying their women into baby making factories and being very cool about it or the ladies who agree and go into this kind of arrangement with high gullibility & happily sharing pictures of their kids especially if fathered by a celebrity and not worried but limiting their future choices as the average man from a well-balanced home still have deep reservations about marrying an “after one”.

As a woman, I have tried to get into the heads of these women to know what the problem could possibly be because I have seen the pictures of these baby mamas and as a woman, I have to say that they are very beautiful. I believe this is an imported trend and I stand to be corrected, that is if we are to follow the likes of Amber Rose & Ciara who have made the whole baby mama business look so Chanel cool. And in our usual “follow the western band wagon” fashion, have decided to emulate them. Or could it be that our Nigerian ladies have this all-time low esteem that has made them feel that they can’t get someone to marry them? (Even Beyonce & Kerry sef got married before having a baby. That alone is something)

Because frankly speaking, I am a bit lost on the excitement of baby-mamas because according to how I was raised, having a child by a man who has chosen not to marry me or consider me marriageable before and throughout the 9 months of the pregnancy stage is not something to be happy or proud of. Gone are those days when women hide their pregnancy if they dared to get pregnant before the wedding.

Maybe I am old school sha o. Or maybe I was simply raised to understand that the institution of marriage comes before babies if we are to follow the biblical and Quranic history. Except all the baby mamas are atheists and the biblical rules do not apply to them!

What is even more worrisome is the ricochet effect this would have on these kids because most often than not, most of these men never get married to their baby mamas. Ever! I mean, as a mother, I know I will not only be furious but maybe even organize a kind of serious beating if my daughter comes home to tell me she is pregnant but she and the father do not intend to get married but have this beautiful child together.

For me and the way I was raised and the level of confidence and self-esteem I have gained over the years, I will consider it the highest form of insult for a man to consider me good enough for a romp in the hay and father some seeds for him but not good enough to marry and even coming publicly to say that he has no intention of marrying me. And because of the age of most of these baby mamas, it is highly impossible that they have ruled out marriage. So why agree to have unprotected sex with a man that has no plans of putting a ring on it anytime soon? 

And you discover that men who rant about not ready to get married but already have baby mamas fall under the age of 18 and 33, still mentally childish to understand that there is usually a woman out there that will rid them of that nonsense thought and capture their heart. And by the time they now decide to get married, they choose a fresh blood and not any of the baby mamas that have been so gullible to believe the rhymes they dished out before getting between their legs without protection.

Now understand that a baby mama differs from a single mother. A single mother may be a divorcee, a widow or just a woman (not a girl) who was supposed to be married to a man and have probably done an introduction or even engagement but something happened that may have hurt them both and they are no longer in good terms and are no longer really on talking terms to even think about getting married. In the early 90’s- early 2000, many successful but older ladies sought out men to give them children as they no longer wanted to get married due to their age and usually these women are always above 30 years up till age 40.

A baby mama on the other hand most often than not is already slightly aware about her status from the onset and that this would most likely be what she would be as the man had clearly stated marriage was not in his books anytime in this generation. And right now, many of our rampant baby mamas fall between the ages of 18 and 25.

I am not going to focus too much on the men but the women because I am a woman and this brings me to the second amazing threshold for bullshit I have also recently noticed among ladies. I somewhat addressed this issue on my blog. You can catch up here. This however does not even have to do with domestic violence but how in the apparent face of nonsense a woman still decides to stay in a relationship that is obviously not working all in the name of remaining a Mrs or to be able to have someone to cuddle up to on Val’s day or New Year’s Eve.

My anger stemmed from this story of a woman seeking public opinion as she recently discovered her husband had been sleeping with her two sisters under her roof and though one of the sisters was later chased out of the house as she couldn't control her, the second one was still living with her but ran out of the house after writing a suicide note to her parents that if they refused to come and get her out of her sister’s home, she’d commit suicide. It was this situation that made their parents call the wife of the house and informed her of the situation. Her husband didn't deny the situation as she also confirmed the information the girl shared was true. Her first step was to go and report to her pastor who later begged her to forgive her husband and move on because of the children. (I would “comment” my “reserve” on why women run to their pastors when their men cheat or commit some atrocities for another day because I am almost 99% sure men do not and have never run to their pastors when their women cheat or commit some major atrocities. Most times, men already know what decision to take.)

It was at this point she was requesting for public opinion as she was confused and not ready to break her matrimonial home.

Her sisters were 19 and 15 years old respectively as at the time the sexual activities began. And after reading the article, my blood boiled and I could literally feel my heart rate rise to 200 per minute and I had to ask myself one question, where did we get it all wrong? Has our desperation to stay and remain married affected our sense of reasoning or is it a complex problem? Why has the education we have struggled so hard to get not been able to impact on our ways of thinking? Why has the option of not seeking a psychiatric evaluation for a man who can sleep with your two sisters come up or even the lady seeking personal evaluation for even trying to rationalize the abominable atrocity her spouse had caused to her family? A much saner community that does not ridicule women standing up to spouses with wandering manhood would be asking- what is she still doing in that marriage or better still why not consider a separation pending the time she sought out both her spouse’s issues and her family issues? 

Because in my opinion, it is absolute madness when a man chooses to litter his spouse’s family with his generous manhood and there still lies the woman, seemingly confused about what to do. While I am not trying to encourage divorce, I believe the rate of bulls**t thrown women’s way by their spouses will reduce drastically when certain actions are met with inevitable consequences.

I mean, realistically, how many unfaithful women are still in their marital homes after being caught by their husbands? I am fairly certain the percentage is not up to 20%. And that’s adding women from all around the world as I’m sure in Nigeria, it’s less than 2%. This knowledge that no man would tolerate infidelity has curbed adultery among many married women because the consequences are non-negotiable as the husband including his family will be quick to boot the cheating wife and have her replaced almost immediately.

So if men are not willing to compromise their women’s fidelity, why should a supposedly educated woman come out to ask the public what she should do so her home does not get broken after her hubby slept with her two younger sisters?

While we are fast entering a very dynamic millennial that allows us to express ourselves how best we know even though most are unpleasant and many may regret many years down the line, bringing up babies outside marriage is not what procreation is intended for neither is accepting bulls**t from spouses all in the name of maintaining the Mrs. A man whose wife sleeps with his two younger brothers would not be running to the pastor for advice and as women, your relationship must have a clear goal and threshold of what is acceptable and what’s not. When you have that in place from the get-go, certain limitations would either cease to exist or wouldn't come up at all.

Having a spouse sleeping with his spouse’s relatives and the booming Baby Mama Fad may not be hurting anyone( or so you seem to think now) however for the baby mama, understand that if he is not getting married to you, in a few years from now, he will be ready to settle down and chances abound that he may not be choosing you. It will be a case of “why buy the cow when the milk is already free”?

What is wrong is wrong and no matter how much we try to cover it in whatever shade would never change the fact that it is.

I am aware this post will attract direct mails lashing out and whether I am encouraging divorce and trying to make baby mamas feel bad. (Well, if it would make them pick their self-respect and dignity from the floor and reduce the rate of children looking from outside into the windows of their father’s matrimonial home with his legal wife and children on Festive seasons, so be it)

I will be waiting though. It'd be great to read different opinions on how women justify several bullshits thrown their way.