OCD Dominated: Diary of the Harassed Wife.

Before the wool was removed from my hard-working eyes

Before you oooooh and aaaaaah and aaaaaw over the unadulterated look of adoration being exchanged in the picture above, I feel I should let you know this is a very old picture, like almost a year old. You can even say picture was taken on our wedding day.

That’s for those that didn't deduce that fact from what we were adorning in the picture and as I hate assumption of any form, I have decided to inform all that it’s a wedding picture. Lool

Choi! See how I was just grinning foolishly with love in this picture. 

Poor me, I didn't know what was in store for me!

That I was about to marry the man of my dreams but with oppositional house organisation: Someone that can be termed as "alapa ike".

At times, I wonder if God looked down at us when we were getting married and just started laughing hysterically and probably saying to Angel Gabriel and Angel Michael that “Hey yaa, shey we should tell her or not? Or we should let her marry him and let her find out herself?” And Angel Gabriel must have replied that, “Abeg, let her marry him jare. She will find out herself”. And God would have said “Well, this promises to be fun”.

Dear God, a head start warning for make sense small o.

Anyway, this picture is not to convey my present state of emotion, far from it! In fact, some might even be right if they say that what I felt this morning before leaving for work was the total opposite of what seems to be the main emotion being openly displayed in this picture of me and Hubby above.

This morning was extremely trying and frustrating. 

And before you start casting that proverbial stone, hear me out first.

Well, your choice really!

Hubby & I just moved into a bigger apartment and that house change is gradually opening the yansh of the chicken and confirming what I always knew that“maybe we should have just stayed in that compact serviced apartment we were staying where I didn't notice if hubby did anything or not since someone was cleaning up after us(more after him though)”. Because this house change is fast revealing my Hubby in his glorious truest form: An exaggerated domestically challenged male specie that cannot, scratch that, that WILL NOT engage in any household chores even If monetary reward was attached to it.

I swear down. That guy no sabi do anything remotely related to house chores.

On the day we moved, I am not exaggerating when I say hubby did not lift ANYTHING. 

Wow, I just lied there. Apologies for that. He actually lifted something.

HIS WALLET!  

Oh yes, not forgetting he also lifted his several balls of Akara and Bread he ate that morning while I was busy slaving away in ensuring our house was well arranged. And when he was done with his meal and done chatting via his phone, he got, nope, he took, nah, not the right word, he YANKED 3 pillows  from underneath the bags I was still unpacking thereby disrupting arrangements of several clothing that were then unceremoniously scattered everywhere as a result , removed the duvet from its nylon pack and threw the nylon in the passage, right beside the empty dustbin, laid it in one of the still empty rooms, plugged the rechargeable fan, adjusted his annoying frame on the duvet and my hubby of approximately 8months and 16 days promptly dozed off!!! Without any care in the world as to who would unpack the many loads of bags and cartons downstairs!

I almost called my mother-in-law to wail about the unfairness of not warning me ahead.

Don't get me wrong o. I knew when it came to house-chores that Hubby will never win any award o but come on! Who sleeps while wifey is unpacking many bags and cartons of loads?

It is so inhumane and evil!

I am telling you my people. If you had even listened closely, you would have heard his snores from downstairs where I was slaving off trying to arrange my kitchen to suit my taste and sweating to ensure I was done by evening.

My hubby didn't care o judging by the sounds I could still hear. I should have poured cold water on him that day!

When my “adorable” hubby woke from his slumber, he actually called me (via phone my people, as coming downstairs physically was not an option he wanted to consider) to grumble on how hungry he was and whether he could get something to eat and why I was not acting like a responsible wife and making his meal ready before he woke and I think he mentioned something about me being a disgrace to the wives community and deceiving him into marrying me thinking I was going to be at his every beck and call. He even mentioned something about collecting his dowry back sef! Can't remember what exactly.

True to God. No be lie!

The Neanderthal male species would have hailed him on with pride while slapping him on the back for such archaically rendered speech.

And oh yes, he also wanted to know why there were bags of dirt outside the living room and the need for me to hurry as we needed to be done before evening as he was getting cranky and could feel a headache coming.

Y’all should have seen my face. 

You know that look of shock, stupefaction and finally dangerously calculated look women adorn when house chore-phobic Hubbies utter things that ordinarily should not even come from them as they are not even justified both morally and even legally to say them?

Daz right!

Na that kain look I get for face on that Saturday morning as my Hubby of many months open mouth dey yarn on the importance of swift efficiency while I was looking at him still trying to adjust his position on the duvet and on my pillows.

Three fluffy pillows for that matter o! Unbeatable laziness!!!Who sleeps with 3 pillows on a busy Saturday afternoon?

Oh that’s right! My Hubby does!

My people, at that moment, I would have gladly advocated for legal violence in marriage by striking the first blow as I watched those unsolicited words sleekly and eloquently selected, emanate straight from darling Hubby’s mouth.

And the sad thing was that, because he was everywhere delegating tasks and moving about in a dizzy manner with no specific task at hand and basically up on my face and my space, checking to ensure I was doing what my specie had repeatedly been said to have done since time immemorial while his own hands were pristine, it was appearing to everyone that came into our house like he was the one doing most of the tasks so he kept getting “e ku ise sir”, “e pele sir”, “o ti ma reyin gan”.

And I was mentally like: WHAT ABOUT ME????? THIS GUY JUST WOKE FROM A LAZY SLUMBER PEEPS!!!! AFTER EATING AKARA & BREAD! How he no go get headache???

Jeeeeez!

Omo, I had to think back to our marriage vows o and whether annulment will still work after 8 months marriage "bliss" if I present my case well in front of a very reasonable all female jury who also once moved houses without their hubbies lifting a finger.

So this was what our mothers meant when they said a woman must tolerate, persevere and be patient!

Haaa, mi o nigba mehn!

I still had this dull thought in my mind throughout that day whether I could win the case if I push for alimony sha o.

Little did my hard-working self know that it was actually the beginning of domestic house-chore clashes.

We have now spent barely a week in our non-serviced but bigger house and I have committed all kinds of unmentioned violent acts to hubby in my mind. It was as if the move unleashed all the hidden challenges Hubby had with completing chores or most importantly, closing things he opened.

Emphasis on things people, emphasis on THINGS!!!

Oh, many of his actions are mundane, to say the least but they are those tiny acts that got some hubbies thrown out of the rooms into the sitting room to sleep for days, without breakfast, lunch or dinner, have Codeine/Valium infused into their meals just to get them away from you for a while, pierce the tyres of their best cars, put shampoo in their toothbrushes, add salt to their cups of tea instead of sugar, put extra pepper in their already peppery stew, boil their water to boiling point but tell them water is cold and all other actions that women from the days of yore have used to maintain their sanity.

I didn't do any of the above o..... At least not yet!

I mean, how hard is it to have men(I use the term "men" loosely, it can be interchanged to mean husbands, or better still, simply infuse Hubby's name here) secure the lock of every door they open, turn off the switch they turned on at night before sleeping, turn off the bathroom heater after the rites of bathing is over, put down the toilet lid if not in use, place the hangar back in its rack after removing their clothes and not throw it in every corner of the house and have you step on their sharp edges sometime later, put the hair comb where they took it from, close the lid of their body lotions and hair cream after use, cover their cologne after spraying, pick up after their stocking, boxers and singlet and not strew them all over the room, put the towel on its rack so it can dry faster, put the dirty clothes INSIDE the laundry basket and not beside it, wash their plates in the sink if wifey is not around and not necessarily leave in the sink till wifey comes home, 8 hours after, take their towels with them into the bathroom and not shout their wives’ name from across the hall, know where all the kitchen utensils are kept so they do not have to call their wives during work hours to know where the salt, pots, seasonings, or most importantly, where the house key that they actually kept the night before is located and if wifey by any chance knows where HE kept it? 

Who does that????? Who? Oh yeah, my Hubby does!

No be small matter o.

What almost shattered the back of the camel occurred this morning as I was almost close to tears when hubby decided to switch cars with me and in the process, took almost 20mins getting his stuff out of his car into mine. Something he should have done the night before, abi? 

Hian! Not my Hubby!

I was vibrating with barely quelled anger.

And he looked so innocently childlike & genuinely perplexed like he didn't understand why I do not share in his idle pace walking mode of moving things into the other car, on Wednesday morning. And after making me suffer (yes I suffered. You all know Lagos traffic na. One minute later and you will face the greatest traffic of your life) for unaccountable lost minutes that even he could not account for and I was finally driving down the street  with my anger quietly seething but getting doused, he called me again to plead I stop and park ahead as he left his ear phones in the car I was driving and needed to retrieve it.

My people, na today I know say my tolerance level high gan nii. My mum would have been proud.

I could distinctly hear the wives community clapping for me with bata drums in the background and Wasiu Ayinde singing my praises, that's if I close my eyes and listen really really well. 

Suffice to say my boss got to work before me. 

I am still not certain how I am going to cope with him and having to raise an actual legitimate baby!

Oh! Just the thought!

*shudders*