Small Talks: The Nonsensical Abuse

I hate small talks. It is as simple as that.

Has anyone ever experienced the process of watching someone attempt to make small talks with you? As in, have you actually experienced the hypocritical greetings and interests that lead to that unwelcome, "so how's your day going? Did you see the traffic on 3rd Mainland"(Yes, I saw it. What do you want to do about it?) Ever really seen how small talk is generated? If you have ever been a victim of small talk, you will certainly not have a welcoming smile on your face when you meet someone for the first time and you have to watch the person attempt to fill up the comfortable silence you so wish for at that point in time.

I once experienced such and sadly, it was at a time in my life where I'd had it up to the neck with small talks. Sometime ago at a rather large gathering, this very cool looking dude walked up to my seat, hung around in a matter that suggested dis-interest but due to my ability to recognise someone attempting to make small talks from afar, I deduced this one was about to commit the greatest crime of all: making small talks. The minute he smiled at me and was about to open his mouth to speak, I simply raised my hand and said "please don't". The poor guy was perplexed and walked away with a rather confused expression on his face.

What issues do people have with silence? Seriously, when you meet someone for the first time and introductions have been made and we have all lied by saying the famous, "Nice meeting you" can't we simply bring out our phones and chat happily away or simply try and write out our to-do list for the coming week? Why must we torture the person unfortunate to sit beside us by practically gearing up to fill it with lies that come in form of "nice shoes"(What do you like, the colour or the ancient look? Please specify), "I like your hair"(really? what do you like, pray do tell me), or "So, it's really raining heavily, isn't it". (Like duh! that's the best you can come up with?) I really do not care FYI. If you sit beside me and we have been introduced, kindly sit on your side of the table and leave me alone!!! Is that so much to ask for? What have I done to deserve this small talk? Why was I chosen? Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? God, Why? In such situations, I hold myself in check not to start weeping to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? Is it?

Except you foresee danger that will affect my state of being or the waiter is passing my way without dropping any food on my table, stay away!!!

The issue with small talk is a very serious societal issue that needs to be eradicated as soon as possible because it breeds unnecessary friendship, too much information revealed by the speaker to the speakee.(Like I said, it's my blog page, so I can coin words in any way I so choose. Soyinka did it, didn't he?)

Coincidentally, I come from a family background that also cherish silence with a passion. I mean, Kilo fe foshi? What's with the famzing? And I am also married to someone who loathes small talks more than I do. Hubby and I can comfortably be in same house for a whole day and the only word we will utter to each other may be "Thanks for the meal dear"(Remember Hubby can't cook to save his life?) So most times when he has had the meal of the day and has shown courteous appreciation, he slinks back to wherever in the house he was before the meal and only when it's time to sleep do we maybe communicate again.( At this point, the dirty minded people will start thinking wildly).

The most annoying problem with small talk is that the producer of such talk usually choose to ignore the body language being emitted from you showing that you would rather be left alone. Do they heed your facial expression of disinterest? Noooo!! They go on and on passing across a message you will give anything to have them keep to themselves. And then they commit the most abominable act while engaging in that small talk: they poke at you repeatedly to convey their message. Jesus!! Life is hard enough with no fuel, no water, boko haram, ASUU strike, plane crashes, no electricity and no good roads and yet some people will consistently poke you not because your face is not showing the amount of interest needed, but to ensure you are following whatever conversation they seem to have going. Some even go as far as slapping your arm or hitting your laps repeatedly to ensure you are following all the way. I was once moved to tears when I sat beside someone who could not communicate except she touches you or pokes at you. And she was someone I could not snap at. When I got home, my shoulders and laps were bruised and red from the small talk assault.

But at this stage of my life where I now make all the choices that come my way, I do not encourage it and friends and colleagues can testify. Once I see an incoming gmail chat or blackberry chat that starts with a fake smile icon, my self security alert immediately gets activated and I simply wait while the person tries the routine small talk knowing they want something.

"Babe, how far na? (far from where) How's the family and your hubby?(Do you know them?) Hope you are enjoying your honey moon?(This is the 6th month of marriage and the person thinks I am still cocooned in hubby's arms at a lake resort.Quite sad!)Hope your tummy is now big?(with food or what? Kwashiokor?) How's work na?(I have never shared my work details with most of them) How's your health now? (What is wrong with me?) You were ill the last time we spoke(Really, that was some few weeks before my wedding that happened 6 months ago), It's been a while we hooked up,(That's because we are not close) And when the person is still making the irrelevant small talk, I simply cut to the chase and ask: "What do you want"?

I will not even bother to go into details of the other set of incredible people that leave more than 2 missed calls on your phone simultaneously, and from just one individual. But that's a gist for another day.

Native terms used within the article:

"Kilo fe foshi" - A native phrase in Yoruba dialect that simply means "What's causing this nonsense". You can only achieve the intent when it is said with scorn and derision.

"Famzing" - Coined from the word "familiarise" however used in Nigerian context to mean someone who is trying to claim unnessary familiarity/affiliation with a certain person(s).

"ehn ehn"- a phrase used to show bravado in the face of a challenge that may be thrown your way.

"na" - A native word replacing "now" to convey your exasperation on repeating an information through a request. Most times it is not used in the context it is supposed to, just like in the article.

Disciplined Upbringing: Koboko, Cable, Belt or Slippers???

I remembered the first “mono-sotto” I received from my Dad. That I saw the combination of all the galaxy inhabitants is no exaggeration, I assure you.

In case you are wondering what mono-sotto is, first of all (Olamide’s voice), it is a verb and an action word that can be defined as a doubled edged slap that leaves you in a temporary state of confusion. When it is administered on your person like a prescription drug which is usually in form of simultaneous slaps to the cheeks, you won’t know whether to laugh or cry, stand or sit, yell or keep mute and other confused expressions.

My offence? He kept a tin of peak milk which, unknown to me, he knew the exact content before leaving the house for his destination. 

Feeling rather smart and sleek with my James Bond swift move, I glided to the top of the fridge where all the provisions were usually kept and helped myself to a rather huge portion. As if that was not enough, I even helped myself to a bit of cereal too, using my father's precious Peak milk.

Like every erring child that has done something naughty prior to the parent's arrival back then in the olden days (Whatever! I still do not look my age) I began to feel a little bit of trepidation and serious tension when it was almost time for him to return. And as soon as I heard his famous knock on the door, I just knew I was going to come close to seeing my ancestors by the time he was through with me. 

My Father did not disappoint me or the heavenly bodies that encouraged parents not sparing the rod. The authors of the bible verse:  “Spare the rod” would have been proud. I think I still have the marks on my body if I really look closely.

Anyone who knew my father will know he probably read that version of the bible a bit too serious: Spare the rod and spoil the child, and vowed to make God proud by ensuring his children are not spared when they erred. I can assure you my father gave a new meaning to the word, Rod! (Ironically, that's his nickname, Rod).

At a point, my brother and I concluded his mission on earth was to make use of the stick as my father never communicated with his mouth or words. The mildest punishment you could get was probably an unexpected back hand slap. You know the kinds of slap that come out of the blues and usually accompanied with a knock? Yes, that’s the one. (I still maintain that those knocks are probably the reason I'm not tall) And it is only mild because you were not expecting it.

The greatest torture he made us go through was to let us know before he leaves home that he would be beating you when he comes back from work. Nothing was compared to the mental torture of knowing you would be flogged and going through the whole day knowing your night sleep would be in pains. At times, he would even come home for lunch and while serving him his meal in the most gracious and sweet way hopeful that he may revert the judgement, he would remind you by asking rather warmly, "Hope you have not forgotten I will flog you this evening when I return?” He would even go further to request of you to remind him in case he forgets. And when he comes back, he puts the weapon of torture (could be belt, cable or koboko) right beside his meal so that while you are serving him, you can see the koboko and anticipate the pain. I was never more religious as I was back then, praying either for rapture to occur before the cable finds its way to my back or that something miraculous happens and I had made several promises to God back then, should he stop the beating process. He never did. And I was not obligated to keep my own side of the promises too, since they were all made in distress.

His form of discipline was so unique in the sense that after beating the “madness” out of you, he would still tell you to wait so you can have dinner. He would then call you to ask whether you know the reason you were whipped. I then wondered why the admonishment did not come before the beating. I never asked him aloud though. My backs were usually still raw from the cable assault.

My mother on the other hand was more of a counsellor, in the sense that, by the time she is done talking to you, you will wish she had simply flogged you and let you go back to sleep. But she usually came in from the counsellor angle, wake you when everyone, including yours truly is asleep, and requests you join her in her room. And there, she begins the emotional torture. Most times, by the time she's done, I am weeping and all apologetic. And at times, I remained mutinous and unrepentant, which gave birth to another round of counselling.

Moral: If my mum does not make you shed tears while counselling, her speech will not be over. So if you want to sleep early, just ensure you weep on time so you can go back to bed.

And back then, you had no business being outside your house at any point in time except maybe dad sends you to the balcony or your parents come back from work and you are going downstairs to assist them in picking up stuff from the car. Going out of the door of your house was a taboo back then.

This is why I find it not only disconcerting, but heart-breaking when I hear in the news that young children were involved in accidents during school excursions or while playing outside their compounds.

Whaaaat? Excursion wetin? Excursion back then, was an activity which was reserved for children with parents who were probably out of the country and bringing up the excursion subject to your own folks in Nigeria was a taboo. It was even a sin for you to bring the paper of notification home from school. The only excursion we attended back then were the ones my father organised himself to the amusement park or to see our grandparents, in which they drove and we never left their sight. As for playing outside the compound, just sacrifice yourself to the heavenly bodies if you are caught anywhere outside your door as you will be as good as dead if your folks come back and you are not in front of the television,(which begins by 4:00pm back then) or you are having some school lessons and reading your book.

I also find it extremely troubling at the laxity children of today are being brought up. In those days, your parents could account for your movement because the only movement you dared to make then was from the living room-the kitchen-rest room-your room-living room and the cycle continues.

I will not even bother to go into details the repercussion that followed after eating outside your house and your mother finds out. Mothers have this look they give to children when outsiders offered them food. But after instantaneously surprising knocks and slaps as soon as the outsider is out of sight, kids back then picked up facial signs on when not to accept, even though her voice can be telling you to eat the meal being offered. So except she was personally spoon-feeding you, don’t do it or even stare at the meal hungrily. You will pay!!!

Seriously, the idea of taking things from people that are not your folks was simply ridiculous (cousins and family friends do not count I tell you). I even heard that some time ago, a child went deaf and dumb after such beatings was administered to him by his folks when they discovered he ate at the neighbours place. Yeah, eating outside your home was an unforgivable sin, except you do not mind the mono-sotto slap.

As for me, it was after I got to JSS class that I discovered belts and cables were actually not supposed to be objects of discipline but rather the belt was meant for trousers and cables belonged inside the wiring team of an electronic device.

As for holidays outside your home, thinking about it alone was considered an unforgivable sin, not to mention suggesting going over to spend a night outside your home. If you deem to mention wanting to spend some time outside your home, it will be automatically assumed you are not contented with what you have and back then, lacking contentment or showing any sign of greed was the greatest sin of all, which is tantamount to a back hand slap followed with a knock in the middle of your head (please refer to the above paragraph for more details on when these disciplinary applications are used). 

The other day, a news was published of a child that was killed by a bus that veered off from the road and in the process, the girl was killed. As soon as I heard the news, I was upset and rather disappointed in the parents. Such fatality could have been avoided if parents of today hold parenting in a much higher light. What we have of today is Facebook/BB parenting: parents coming out to show the latest designs their children are adorned in, posting pictures of children in lovely school uniforms(so we can know the school is an expensive one), and all other cyber parent-child love. 

In as much as what works for the goose may not generally work for the gander, time has shown that sparing the rod does not have favourable outcome. Our parents were a bit military in their discipline approach but it has shaped and sharpened us into what we are. Many of the 80's-90’s children were raised to be self-sufficient and contented with whatever situations we may find ourselves.

Despite all the varying forms of discipline, many of us still repeated the same erring act while growing and their kobokos were quick to remind us to desist, but gradually, as we aged, we let go of those things and we grew up in fear and awe of our parents. They earned our respect. And now that majority of us are parents, we look back and we thank God that disciplinary actions were taken out on us when we erred. That's why we are what we are today.

So for those children who grew up with parents that flogged with kobokos soaked in lukewarm water for days so as to strengthen the spiritual pain it will cause, mothers that used hangers pulled off its rack and whacked on every available part of your body, fathers that used belts that were pulled out from their trousers and just whip on the closest part of you it happily touched and the slippers our sweet mothers pull out to scare us but often times, never actually touch us since we got smarter and got to know how to evade the flying ones, I say and stand to be corrected, those were simply the best days of good upbringing.

Native words used within the article as defined by the author:

"mono-sotto"- as defined within the article.

“koboko” - object of pain to correct whatever evil/madness you may think is inherent.

"wetin"- native language meaning "What", however the native tone projects derision when it's being used.

Marriage: Butter jam Pako

Hubby mentioned in passing yesterday and I am quoting verbatim,

"Babes, it's been a while we fought o. July to be precise. It seems I am getting more mature in dealing with you after all".

And I smiled. Men! So typical of them to indulge in self-gratification and conclude they are the mature ones in the relationship.

I thought about it too though and discovered it's been a while we actually exchanged some couple's spat, however little. Most fights are usually as a result of learning to deal with our different personalities and home traditions. But as each day turns to month, I have been able to see and accept him for who he is: an extremely domestically handicapped hubby that cannot boil water to save his life, and I have decided to accept him that way, if for nothing but to ensure he does not burn down the house while attempting to do a house chore which he has never attempted to do since I met him. 

At least, all the weeks I spent in counselling classes are paying off. Our marriage is definitely not a bed of roses but we have been able to put in proper place one thing that most are still trying to deal with: Managing differences.

I vividly remember the first time I spent the night with hubby and family. (Na you sabi if you are thinking whether the sleep over was before they came to ask for my hand in marriage or after o. We are sha married now). When it was time to sleep, I simply stood from my position in the living room and walked into the room and climbed into bed and promptly dozed off. Some while after, hubby walked into the room and had the audacity to wake me and asked,

"Are you in for the night"? 

I looked at him incredulously while trying to clear the remaining sleep from my eyes. I had so many sarcastic responses to that question but I noted his mutinous stance and I knew this guy was spoiling for a fight (and Vals day was not even around the corner) and I simply responded, "Yes". He immediately retorted,

"And you did not say good night to anybody. Please get up and come say goodnight to everyone".

At that point, my eyes had been cleared of any remnant of sleep and I glared at him furiously,

"I don't get. If they don't see me in the parlour for the rest of the night, they will know I have gone to sleep now. It's not so hard to figure out."

Hubby stared at me incredulously like I just suggested he considers vasectomy and spoke rather heatedly.

"That is not only rude and discourteous, it does not speak well of you. How can you just stand up from the parlour and not say goodnight?......." And he continued heatedly on the benefits of courtesy and how it once saved the lives of some people I do not know. 

He won the battle that night because I had to walk back to the parlour with my tail well hidden to wish everyone goodnight with a smile on my face.

Did I ever mention hubby does not let go of things like that easily, especially when courtesy and decorum is involved? Oh yes I heard the sermon on courtesy & decorum behaviour for the rest of the night. Though I think he may have stopped talking when my snores overrode the volume of his voice.

The last straw that broke the back of the tortoise was when I took an empty audio CD of his to record some jamz that we will actually listen from together and hubby came back and saw that an audio cd was missing amongst the 7 empty ones that were remaining.

"Tejumade (he calls my name in full when he is about to blow up), did you take an empty CD from the CD pack?”

Duh, is that not obvious? I responded that I did and I saw hubby literally fly off the handle.

"I have told you severally not to take my things without my permission, you have to tell me. It's not nice. You need to respect my privacy and courtesy demands you tell me before using my stuff (Privacy? Dude, you gave that up the minute you put a ring on it FYI). That’s coming from a guy who stole my heart without as much as please. He further went on and on about the courtesy speech again. The Debate team would have been proud.

At that moment, I just missed my family. Trust the Oyedeji dynasty. When you are feeling sleepy, just walk into your room and shut the door. If they do not see you come out after 30mins and they knock on your door with no response, they will deduce you have slept. As for privacy on stuffs, the unwritten and unspoken rule of the family: If it's not for public use, keep it in your room or hide it from the public glare. Once it is in the living room, refrigerator, or anywhere that everyone has access to, it is for the public. 

I knew it was not a joke when one day, my mum in law called me on phone to ask whether she could eat something I kept in the fridge. There & then, I knew this courtesy thing had come to stay, just like play like play. It was a generic family habit as I was coming to see. And this adjustment was definitely not going to be easy.

In as much as it is an admirable trait (which my children must emulate), I found it not only strange but extremely hilarious that they request for your permission to take something as inconsequential as a razor blade. It keeps me cracking once I see any of their names (my in-laws) appearing on my phone as an incoming call. I just know my permission is about to be sought for something that will make me roar out in laughter.

Adjusting to such norm and learning the art of asking before taking, no matter how inconsequential was never part of me nor part of how I was brought up, as I was brought up in an environment where sharing has been taken for granted. In simple terms, with the Oyedeji family: it was a case of finder’s keeper.

But coming into a family where it is practically a taboo to use what does not belong to you, sniff what was not meant for your nose, eat what you did not buy, take what you did not pay for, go to bed without saying goodnight or the greatest taboo of all, make comments while watching a movie, adjustment was definitely not going to be easy. However, knowing I will be spending the rest of my life in this family, I have concluded it will be a small price to pay, as against being kept awake every night to be drilled on the importance of courtesy and its impact on the family tradition. (Hubby goes overboard with these things at times, of which, I have concluded he enjoys giving out such lecture and relishes the torture it does to me)

Though, I am gradually not bursting out in laughter anymore, especially when I recently received a call from my sister in law, who sounded very courteous, serious and solemn on the phone like she was requesting for a huge loan, and wanting to know whether she could make use of my hair cream and hubby calling shortly after to ask whether he can take some of my groundnut which I left on the table, or even mum in law wondering whether she can make use of a picture of mine as her profile picture. (I am not exaggerating).

I am certain I will adjust to this courtesy culture in a while, probably before my first child’s 18^th birthday.

I will however leave you to wonder which one of us is actually the Butter and which one is Pako: Hubby or Wifey.....

Native words used within the article:

“O” – A meaningless and useless letter used to convey your point.

"clear the remaining sleep" - Adverbial clause of description with reference to my state of eyes(Yeah, deal with it. It's my blog so i can coin any phrase and define it as I wish"

"parlour" - Used to describe the living room.

“Na you sabi” – A phrase that replaces the English word, “whatever”.

“sha” – A native word replacing “Just”.

“like play like play” – This tautological phrase is to emphasize your sense of wonder and disbelief. The more you repeat it, the more you convey your disbelief.

Jamz – Same as songs/music but when the word “jamz” is used, then that means the songs are simply “maaaaaad”.(If you cannot deduce the meaning of the word, “maaaad”, you have a spiritual problem)

“Butter” – A state of serious delusion that some people suffer just because they paid their school fees in dollars or had more clothes while growing up.

“Pako” – A realistic state of living where you know all the rules of the street and grew up in the heart of the city learning some tricks that are paying off now.

Note: The above meanings are author’s definitions. Anyone dissatisfied with the meaning should please scratch this area with razor blade.

Insufficient Funds: An Inspiration for Creativity.

When you start receiving alerts from your bank informing you to credit your account to avoid being blocked as a result of account dormancy, you start coming up with unbelievable business ideas that will shock the stock market.

Being broke can force you to be hilariously creative to the point of ludicrousness bordering on sheer insanity. Not to mention that you will be at the mercy of comically pathetic people who consider themselves business minded but are actually living caricatures of the decrepit state of our Nigerian Universities that did not take out time to carve out a Course that will focus on breeding business minded people for the betterment of the society in the long run.. 

Once upon a time, when hubby was still searching for a job in the streets of Lagos and could not get a decent job for some months, one of the many contacts he was referred to for assistance(an extremely top personality for that matter) sat across him in his office and came up with a " business suggestion" for hubby, who spent 5 years studying Law (I am not sure he did not carry over o), 1 year in Law school and 1 year serving his Fatherland as a Youth Corper.

JOB CONTACT PERSON: "Why don't you rent a shop and be selling insecticides or you can even be selling some household products. You will go to the market, buy some amount of products, bring it to companies like ours and sell to people like us that do not have time to shop personally at the market. Think about it ehn" 

Imagine! He sat across a whole lawyer of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and came up with such business idea. Hubby said and I quote,

Hubby: At that point, I was thinking and recollecting from our Law book whether there exists a type of Law against comical & unsolicited business ideas and whether I can actually sue this man and make some money out of it.

I am sure at some point, we have all being broke to a point where we actually brought up some ideas to certain people, and when we recollect it now, we would be extremely ashamed.

There is something unique and "spiritual"about being broke that brings out some hidden traits in us all: Ideas & Humility. When you hear a man say, "I don't like flashy cars and really,I am not a fan of late night paroles", Just know nigga is a broke a**!

Or when a man says in a rather non-chalant way that, “abegi, there is no difference between a Datsun and a Maserati or a Bugatti, afterall, "is it not to just get to the venue?" you can guess that this dude will not be buying any luxurious item anytime soon. 

Due to his poverty state of mind, this guy is apparently not aware that there is a big difference between getting to the venue and getting to the venue. 
With regards to the former, he will most definitely get there, all covered in sweat, and with seat belts markings on his white native(That's if he did not take public transport o), which he managed to wash and iron just the night before, and looking like he trekked from Gwagwalada to Lagos, only to get to the venue and not allowed entry as his white native is not in line with the aso ebi of the day and he spends the next 25 mins convincing the security guards that the white native is actually white and not cream colored but has changed colour due to the constant usage and washing for various weddings which aso ebi, he cannot afford. 
For the latter,you get to the venue in an "oye" pumping, V6 engine, 6000 watts stereo blaring, sleek wheels and Roberto Cavalli specs covering the eyes while adorned in a 150,000 white Dansiki. The swiftness & alacrity that the gate will be opened by the guards all the while hailing you and assisting you to navigate the Maserati ride you rode in on and even allow you to park right beside the Bride & Groom's Jeep, will marvel even Usain Bolt .

Like the popular saying: Rich man dey talk, poor man say him get idea.

One thing is certain in Nigeria: Money answereth all things. You are only as good as the clothes you put on, the cars you drive, the phones you use and how often you change them, and the contacts on your phone directory. (Not the likes of Iya Basira, Suraju tailor, Iya Sule oni garri, Mama Nkechi beans woman, or Broda Akin mechanic, Baba Junior landlord)

So ladies and gentlemen, we all have to agree that the greatest calamity that can befall a man is not only to be broke but to be broke and lack creativity and have warped philosophical sayings. You just have to pick one struggle.

For those of us with lots of comical business ideas due to our state of bank accounts, let’s keep coming up with these ideas and one day, someone will love our ideas so much and pitch it to Nollywood to make a movie out of it. (preferably Nkem Owoh or Mr Ibu).

And for those that do not even know the meaning of the word “broke”, *In Tuface's voice* “Ma lo ro pe omo pe iwo nikan loma lowo, ma lo rope no bi gbogbo wey go get this money”

Over & out.

Author's personal meanings of native words used in the above article.

"O" (A coined Nigerian word that has no meaning but has come to stay.)

"Youth Corper" ( A service that every Nigerian born graduate, whether schooled locally or internationally must pass through to be able to secure a job within the country, except you come from a wealthy home and your parents are willing to rub the right hands with currency grease.

"Ehn" (Another meaningless Nigeria word meaning OK?)

"a**"( A bonus word whereby you can fill with any letters of your choice, though the author has suggestions)

"Abegi"( Another Nigerian word that is supposed to be the polite version of "Shut up" or "Your opinion stinks"

"Oye" (Literal meaning is Harmattan but a coined Nigerian slang used to describe the extent of the coldness the air-condition in a car is emanating.)

"Dansiki" ( A native material from the Northern part of Nigeria usually worn by the privileged)

"Rich man dey talk, poor man say him get idea".(When the rich converges, the poor had better keep quiet!)

"Iya" (A native term used to address a woman with children and who is being addressed by her child's name)

"Ma lo ro pe omo pe iwo nikan loma lowo, ma lo rope no bi gbogbo wey go get this money"

(Don't think you are the only one that will make it.)

......And the winner is Sarcasm!!!

I cannot categorically mention why , how or when I became such a sarcastic chic who enjoys using sarcasm in daily conversations. All I remembered was that my name became synonymous to sarcasm. I mean, are you kidding me!!! Being sarcastic is really just the best way to handle some people, I mean seriously, when people state the obvious, how best are you suppose to respond?

Imagine your mother sending you on an errand and you come back to meet her sitting directly opposite a table and you still ask......



What response were you expecting, really? Or how best do you respond to someone seeing you at the office and still asks,.....
"Oh are you still here". And you go like, *straight face*. Why do people have the need to state the obvious?

I'm a pretty sarcastic person and close acquaintances will attest to that. I have zero tolerance for mediocre intelligence. And really you do not need intelligence to stay away from asking some questions. I mean.....

And ironically, hubby hates it with a passion but I live for it. He usually has this furious expression on his face especially when I resort to sarcasm in the face of anger. I mean, when is the best time to get shielded in the cocoon of sarcasm if not in times of serious couple spat. And I find it so adorably hilarious when I make use of it and hubby does not catch up on time and actually fall for it. But when he finally gets the joke, he does his straight face and warns me never to use it on him again. Hahaha. Like that's ever going to happen! Who will I take it out on if not the guy who gave my family 42 tubers of yam and has sworn to pass down the information to our generation unborn!!! In fact, I look forward to being asked the obvious. At times, I encourage the other party to ask dumb related questions. And when they do, I go....

I mean, come on! It's only logical that.....



I however have discovered that only intelligent and smart people truly understand the language of sarcasm. At times, it sounds harsh and it comes out like the sarcastic party is mean, but really, when you weigh the question you just asked and the person's response, you know deep in your heart that.....

So for lovers of sarcasm, keep it fiery and know that...



N:B: Please be informed that this post is not directed to any individual, party nor with intent to harm, abuse, or make anyone feel bad. As usual, it is meant to create humour and lighten situations. So if this article did not produce a smile from you, then it's not my fault that your problems are bigger than my post.

When He Doesn't Love You Anymore!!!

You have noticed that he doesn’t bother calling like he used to. And to make things worse, he deliberately doesn’t pick your calls. Anytime you try to reach him with a different number he picks up the call with enthusiasm and when he realizes it is you on the phone he tells you he is busy (or an excuse of some sorts). You keep asking yourself why he has decided to go on with the relationship while he treats you like you don’t exist.

You conjure all kinds of excuses for his recent attitude, like he is too busy to call and all that. I have been in a lot of stress myself and in the midst of it, all I still looked forward to some words of comfort from my man. So, too busy is so not an excuse except of course he is busy with some other lady.

It could be really heartbroken when you discover that the one man who in the past had pledged undying love to you now treats you like he never had an iota of feelings for you. Worse still is that he has refused to break off the relationship so you can just forge on with your life.

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A LOVELESS RELATIONSHIP?

The solution to a loveless relationship depends greatly on two factors:

• Do you still love him and would mind fighting for things to get back to the way they were?

OR

• Do you feel like you have had enough of his misdemeanor and just want to let go?

Well if your answer is yes to the latter Question, then these steps will help in letting go.
1. Sit back and meditate on all your positive attributes. Think of all the wonderful gifts you possess that your soon to be ex is going to miss out on. It could be your delicious cooking or your good sense of humor. You could pen it down and put it in a place where you see it every time. E.g. by your bed.
2. Think of these attributes again and smile at the brand new beginning of life you are about to lead.
3. Gather up everything that reminds you of him. From his pictures, cologne and his love letters to you. Put all items in a bag and dump the refuse can. Remember good riddance to bad rubbish.
4. Now that you have rid yourself of all memorabilia you have of him, go out and buy yourself some new stuff. Get something really sexy and begin partying again.

Remember don’t fall in love too quickly. Just enjoy your new found singleness and enjoy the attention you get from each date.
5. Don’t look for a duplicate of the man you just split with. Starting anew is giving up any memories you have of him.
There are lots of other things you can engage in to help you through the heartaches like registering in a dance class but just let the above steps guide you. You will be great in no time at all.

Hi peeps!! This is your home girl, Tejumade Oyeyemi Ojuloge Omosalewa, Omotilewa, Oluwasemilore, Tamilore, Bobaniyi, Omoyosola, Apinke, Adeife Oyedeji. Alright my names are just Tejumade Oyedeji. When u get to know me, u'd know how good i am with embellishment and boy! am i a drama queen!! I've always been an extraordinarily talented chic with amazing talents. I've published nothing and produced absolutely nothing but i know i am talented. I write exceedingly well and i'm good with words. I've written so many books and poems that never survived the 2nd page but i can assure you i'm a good writer. My lecturers confirmed it. I consider myself lucky blessed with so much talents and bla bla bla bla... Ok peeps, i told u, i'm verrry dramatic. But hey, i can assure you, my blog will probably be the most interesting you'd ever visit and bla bla bla.. Watch out, Ojuloge is baaaaaaaaaaaaack..

The Awakening....

That time will come.....................................

That time will come in your life when you finally get it ... (I just did some dayz back)

When, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you suddenly stop dead in your tracks like you just saw God face to face while commiting an outrageous sin and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ...

ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

Now, THAT  is Your AWAKENING...

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings(I'm still in shock myself that there are no happy endings!), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must Begin With You ... and in the process a sense of Calmness stems from ur Acceptance.

You Awaken ...
to the fact that you are not perfect( I used to think i was) and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are (story of my life)... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.( that means they can go to blazes for all you care! Took even Jesus some time to get liked and he even had to perform miracles to get thru to people!!)

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself (that means blowing your own trumpet!! No one has time to do that for us again)... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (It's called nagging)- or didn't do for you and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself(Independence that most of us lack) ... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties (I'm still trying to get the hang of it cos, let's face it, I'm a snob!!)... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. (I still do that a lot)
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing or a cat to break dance or an eagle to cat walk or a parrot to be quiet!. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. (I'm still under the opinion good people don't last. They never do.. They get cut in their prime. Give me a sincerely good man/woman that survived past the age of 50.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.  That makes us in control of our destiny and lives. We learn to be the determinants of our lives.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. And you learn to stop making excuses for that father/mother/lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/child who just doesn't care about you as much as you want them to.

You learn that your body really is your temple.(No Fornication and Adultery!) You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being idle increases doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. (That's why i look 20yrs younger. I smile a lot!! And it's quite catchy!!)

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people ... and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault.
It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about ... a well stucked up refrigerator, clean running water and a geepee tank, a soft warm bed with clean sheets, and constant power supply.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and You Begin To Design The Life You Want To Live As Best You Can.
You decide to do what you've been postponing since you were born.

YOU WAKE UP AND GET A LIFE!!!!!

Unemployed? or Simply Unemployable?

So that was how I was minding my own business in my huge office with its windows overlooking the open space of the Atlantic Ocean (abi you want to contest that one too?? It's for me to describe my office however I please and for you to come to my office and confirm whether it's an exaggeration or not.), when all of a sudden, a cool looking guy walked into the HR room (at this point, one will ask how i was able to see the cool dude walking into HR office from my huge office. But never underestimate the neck flexibility & the hearing power of a determined gbeborun).

As soon as he came in, i just knew his presence there will be pertaining to an interview session but i still activated my monitoring spirit mode anyway.

HR Officer: "Hi, what can i do for you?"

Cool Dude: "I was called for an interview."

HR Officer: "What's your name please?"

Cool Dude: "Gbadeyanka Olanbiwoninu".

HR Officer: "What time were you scheduled for?"

Cool Dude: "I was told to get here for 11:00am".

I looked at my time. It was 12 mins past the hour of 12. At that moment, i minimised my windows page and muted the voice of Adele as she described what happens when the sky falls because, somehow I knew the outcome of the conversation will have a very funny closure.

HR Officer: "So how come you are just coming by this time?”

Then the guy made the same statement every late comer had told his/her HR officer at some point in their career journey.

Cool Dude: "There was a serious accident along the way and my car broke down and i had to park it somewhere and took a bus. I am very sorry about that. 

HR Officer: "Wow, sorry about that. Where is your car key"? (As dude seems to have nothing whatsoever on him, not even a wallet. And his dress did not seem to have a pocket.

Cool Dude: I must have left it in the mouth of the car. (Yes, he used the word, "mouth”.)

HR Dude: Alright then. Can i have your resume and credentials please?"

After making that request, the HR officer looked down at her desk and was making some adjustments on some figures she was attending to shortly before cool dude’s arrival. After waiting for up to 60 seconds(Yeah, my clock was ticking rather loud and I checked the time because I have serious aversion to slowness on all levels) with no one thrusting some documents on her table, she looked up again to see the cool dude looking confused mixed with a bit of surprise. With his next words, he unanimously sealed his fate.

Cool Dude: "I didn't know i was supposed to come with them. I thought this is just a verbal kind of interview where you ask me some questions and the next stage you will now ask me to bring it." (My mouth was agape as soon as I heard the “I didn’t know” part).

I was a bit disappointed when the HR Officer did not summon some security officials to come and remove cool dude physically and escort him out of the office. 

His own story however is quite lenient compared to the footballer who was seeking a white-collar type of employment. When asked during the interview what skills he will be bringing to the company and how he can be an effective team player, he confidently had this to say for himself;

Footballer Candidate: "I am a very good footballer and i play very well so i have experience in being a team player." (I was very upset when i learnt he was asked other questions after that. I would simply have stood and walked out of the interview room leaving instructions that all resumes that have candidates with past experience as a footballer should be screened and thrown into the shredder where it deserves. 

But do you blame the guy? He heard the term “team player” and Ronaldo, Messi, Mikel Obi, and Enyimba mates came to mind.

The most ridiculous and hilarious of all are the resumes that have passport photographs that have been scanned printed right inside the resume such that when you open it, it looks like the kind of forms you fill for medical records so you will be recognised once you go for medical attention at the hospital. I mean, what the……? You took time to scan and attach your passport to a resume but cannot take time to read on how to prepare for an interview and what NOT to do??? Who does that?? My God!! Personal Development needs to be taught as a course and Preparation for Interview should be introduced into the final year classes just like Harvard Schools.

And don't you just love the over-flogged terms still in use: Team player, ability to work with little or no supervision, great interpersonal relationship skills, team leader, and excellent communication skills. Oh yes, people still use those phrases. You just want to go aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

Someone even mentioned that two brothers applied for different positions in the same company with the same resume but had the decency (or just plain daftness) to change the names. Either due to the embedded stupidity or just lack of patience, the scanned photograph that some unbelievable graduates attach to resumes was not changed so it was a case of same resume, same picture but different names.

I will simply leave you to imagine an interview scenario where the interviewer has in front of him a resume with a scanned photograph of a young looking man quite fair in complexion, while the candidate sitting across the table from him is as dark as night with no resemblance whatsoever to the scanned resume yet the candidate is convincing him he used to be extremely fair in complexion. He should have stuck to the Photoshop or camera flash story)

And you wonder why some people will still end up selling Moringa on the express-way despite their degree cardboard paper?

It’s inevitable abeg.

Gbeborun: Is a term used to describe a very classy gossip who likes to listen on other people’s affair.

Abi: is a Nigerian term replacing the conjunction, “or”

Moringa: is a local herb that is believed to heal all types of ailment.

Abeg: a Nigerian term used in place of “duh”

All names have been changed and situations embellished but message is same and intent remains for one purpose: humour.

To my Unborn Kids: How I Met Your Domestically Challenged Father.

The post/article below may seem familiar to those that know our story or those that were opportune to view it from the site that requested for my side of the story.

However, I have decided to take ownership of story(since I wrote it and yeah, it is my story) and post on my blog, for the benefits of those that do not know how I met my better half, my honey spice, my very own adunbarin, the most annoying guy I have ever been lucky to fall in love and frustrate for the rest of our lives, and the father of my brilliant and beautiful but unborn triplets.(2 girls, one boy. Amen)

He was teaching me a level of Grace i still do not understand 

"20th April 2013 Mr & Mrs Fola Alade decided it was high time they took their relationship to the next level. Their story on how it all started is quite touching *wipes tears* and fascinating *yearning and longing* HAPPY READING"(http://www.naijaontop.com/2013/04/wedding-with-mr-mrs-fola-alade-how-it-all-started/)

"The first time I met your father, I will be lying if I use the old age famous cliché statement “I knew he was the one”. What I can confidently say was that we had so much to talk about. And that may just have been because he was a lawyer and I was a customer service rep, hence two people in the talkative career angle.

We met through a mutual friend and we lost contact after a while. We were also both in separate serious relationships that we were kind of hoping will lead to marriage. So it was not like there were any stolen kisses or lustrous glances. However, let me add here though we were both “happy” in our relationships and do not keep in touch except once in a while, there was this silent, quiet, ever-present kind of feelings we had towards each other; you know those kind of feelings that you silently wish for in a quiet manner without any dramatic move to ensure it comes to reality. Let’s just say we both knew back then that if we both became single at the same time, something will definitely happen between us.

Few months down the line, I became single, upset with the male generation and slightly bitter. He was the bedrock I leaned on as we chat often about mundane things while he talks about when he would propose to his girlfriend back then. Let me chip in here that after I became single and he was still in a relationship, I never for one moment wished he were mine. This was because he was also affected by my generic hatred for the male species then so i had no feelings for him.

The situation became more interesting when his relationship hit the rocks. I was the only person that was able to console him. We talked non-stop on the phone and deliberated on what might or could have been with our past partners. All of a sudden, things became awkward between us as we began to notice our relationship status and our respective lack of relationship partners. Then he dared to ask me on a date when I came into Lagos from Abuja. It was so awkward and stilted as we did not know how to do a smooth transient from being friends to being admirers, and possibly lovers. Then one day, he summoned up the courage to ask me out and I told him out rightly, “I can never date you or be Mrs Fola Alade”.

I did not keep to that vow successfully because on December 30, 2009, I started a relationship with him which galvanised into him presenting to me an engagement ring in a most romantic way.

I was so soapily in love it was downright embarrassing.

He caught me by surprise!! I mean, I always pride myself as immune to surprises and apparently he was prepared for me.

A week before the proposal, he told me his sisters were organizing a small banquet to celebrate their new status so they had arranged a buffet party at a 5 star restaurant in the heart of Opebi, Ikeja. And to make it so credible and plausible, his sisters also called me to know if I would be free that day.

Now, you should understand that I knew, or rather suspected he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life annoying, but whether he would propose or when he will propose is what I was not certain but he always told me “I will surprise you on the day I will propose to you”. This, I naturally doubted of course!

On the D-day, arriving at the venue, I saw lots of our friends and I was like “wow, d sisters are really going all out to celebrate. The next thing, after several helpings of food by everyone and we were all sharing some camaraderie, his sisters got up and started giving false speeches, (now that I think about it), thanking everyone for coming and all. While all this was going on, we were on our own seats and he took my hands and started thanking God for the gift of me but, I STILL DID NOT GET IT!!!! I think what jolted me was when one of my favourite artist, ORI came out with his guitar and started singing and playing his instrument and when I turned to my boo, I SAW HIM ON HIS KNEES WITH THE RING CASE ON HIS PALM!!!!

Yes, I cried. So sweet 

I started weeping like I broke my new Louboutin heels. It was so sweet and teary, and naturally, I said YES! And he was so shy while proposing. He was actually stuttering and all low voiced for someone who is naturally vocal. I mean, he actually went on his knees!! A whole Lag big boy! That was d best and most successfully planned proposal I have ever seen or heard of, without sounding biased.
One year and nine months after saying yes to this special man, we walked down the aisle in the presence of our families and loved ones and I couldn’t have chosen better. The wedding ceremony preparation is another dramatic story altogether.

He was actually telling me here that he will show me now that his family has given my family 42 tubers of yam.(He reminds me of that every single day.) 

Have you met my Best Friend?

A real friend is one who stands by her friend in the hour of her need, when she needs her the most. The real test of friendship is, therefore, not mere acquaintance but the will to render timely help to a friend in distress. It is indeed very rare to find a true friend in this world.

Of course, there have been a few examples of true friendship. Lord Krishna and Sudama were class-fellows. They had studied under same Guru. When they grew up, Lord Krishna became a king, but became a pauper. Once Sudama went to Lord Krishna to seek his help, Krishna welcomed his old friend with open arms. He sent out his men to a palatial house for Sudama and gave liberal financial assistance to his friend to overcome their poverty. Lord Krishna thus proved to be a real friend of’ Sudama.

Another classical example can be seen from the abiding friendship between Marx and Engels. Karl Marx was a great philosopher but very poor, whereas Engels was a rich mill-owner. The friendship between them was quite deep that they wrote books together. Engels always helped his friend Marx financially.
Nowadays true and faithful friends are very rare. We should remember that only a person who is sincere and honest will prove to be a good friend. A good friend is a consistent source of happiness.

When i met Titi Kasali(Everyone calls her name in full, it's either Titi Kasali or nothing) in 2004, It was simply not possible that we would turn out to be deep chummies that can sacrifice or compromise for the other party.

Not to digress, Titi waltzed and sashayed (and i mean that literally) into my life with a bang. I have always 

been on the reserved side of the fence and while in one of those shy moments in my lecture room, I sensed rather than saw a slim silhouette whiff past me in a non-chalant -like gait and came to stand in front of my desk. "I need you to follow me to the registrar's office. I want to get some stuff. Oya, let's go. We will need to get to the kiosk to get some drinks. I am so thirsty. Do they sell cold drinks around here? When is our next lecture? I am so not ready to listen to any right now. Who is that fine guy in front of Professor Ola's office? My parents should have reached Lagos by now. Let me even remember to buy credit and call them. Teju, if I tell you what happened to me in OSU, you will be shocked, will you believe some guys actually tried to beat me because I refused to………..” She unbelievably chatted non-stop till we got to all her pre-arranged destination without pausing for breath. At a time, I nursed the vivid thought of finding out if she had a remote wired to her brain and I roamed my eyes all over her head to see where to turn off the switch. No human can survive that long with so much energy spent on just talking. I was in a revered like trance until we parted ways, for some few mins. Then she was back, and haven’t left since.


Titi & I

Anyone seen the movie, "Legally Blonde"? Reese Witherspoon, the sorority girl who became everyone's darling without even trying so hard? Yes, that is Titi Kasali. She sauntered and made an appearance and has refused to leave since then.

Now, people who knew me in the early 90's-2003 will agree that i was an extremely shy and reserved personnel back then, right? Well, not anymore! Girls like Titi do not come into your life and leave you the same. She brought out the inner shiny me, the extrovert, the extremely mischievous, the smart alec, the sarcastic witty chic with an immediate retort for everything, the vivacious character, she brought it all out. Ever heard the phrase when you dilly dally with a dog, you are bound to eat.....? Well in her case, when you move with Titi Kasali, you either become like her or you are worse off.

I became worse off.

I have always wanted a friend who was like the identical twin sis i never had: same ideology, same interest, same love for drama, same attention span, same intellectual stance, same all!!! I found that and more with her. She was the best friend I had always wanted. And hey, we even graduated in the top five in class. (I led by some remarkable points though).
She is one of those very rare people that come out looking beautiful with no extra effort made, extremely humorous, filled with so many ideas she is always scared to execute, too passionate about all she cares for,extremely real, down to earth, sassy, more of a food monger than a fashionista: (this means you are most likely to come across her in Ogba Retail Market haggling for foodstuff than at Oyeog Fashion or Ade Bakare Couture).

Ever been a time when I rued the day I met her? Yes! When we quarrel, fight or when she is simply herself: downright annoying. But true friend is like marriage, the good days will come and the bad days will arrive. However, never ever sweat the small stuff with that true and special person as those little things you fight over will not matter in some few mins/days/weeks/months/years down the line.

It is at this point that I’m supposed to conclude with some very lame mushy phrase like: I love you so much Titi, but with the new law on lesbianism and public declaration on gayness, abeg, let’s leave it at: It’s been great knowing you Titi Oremade, nee Kasali.

At my wedding

At my wedding.

N:B: Titi Kasali is now married to her beau and blessed with a son and answers to Mrs Titi' Seun Oremade. She currently works for a Public Relations Private company and is a top executive at her firm. She however revealed she will rather purchase a blackberry curve 2 as opposed to a Q10. (Yeah, she can be very razz)