War Against Domestic Violence, or Violence of any kind really.

I am not tolerant of violence, people, things, slow people and things, unintelligence, slow people, hypocrites, violence, dishonest people, piss takers, pathological liars, slow people, violence, hypocrites, unintelligence, slow people, violence, things, cruelty, daftness, unintelligence, slow people.

Let me know when I start repeating myself o. But you get my drift, right?

I do not have any tolerance bone in me for anything actually. I know that. My tolerance level for almost everything is non-existent, especially when it involves repetition, or violence as this case may be. So it is really a surprise that I am in an eternal bonding (I won’t rule out jazz o) with Hubby who is the opposite of me where organization is concerned and I have to whine repetitively on the need for faultless organisation of the house.(not nag o but just repeat myself in a tush way).

I still maintain that he jazzed me *sniffs*

Anyway, back to the serious matter at hand.

One of the most dominant words that we get to use a lot in this country and even beyond the shores of Nigeria: TOLERANCE. Everybody seems to have that at the tip of their tongue and simply throw it into a conversation requiring a response to the solicited advice being sought, or an even unsolicited one. Politicians tell citizens, “Be patient, Rome was not built in a day. America got it right only after 200 years” (abi is it 100 years, answer na Columbus?) Either way, while being tolerant, many citizens lose their loved ones due to mishap caused by non-existing facilities the government did not provide.

Husbands tell wives “You have to be patient and tolerant with me. Even Dangote and Adenuga did not make it at once” (While he is tapping into Caro’s anointing outside o).

Parents are quick to tell their crying daughters who run home to report that their hubbies are beating them, “you have to be tolerant and persevere as marriage is not a bed of roses. Suru ati iteriba loro yii gba. (Patience and Submission is the most important thing here) You must be doing something wrong. Go home and beg him. Be more submissive. If he is upset, beg him, give him food. Be more tolerant and patient and God will see you through.”(Until they receive her dead body)

Nonsense! Oshisco! Iranu!

In today’s society, it seems that we would rather let a violent marriage endure itself until the woman is dead because of so much importance not just attached to marriage itself but the word “Mrs”. And we would prefer to allow a very violent man to self-destruct himself and his family rather than dare to confront him or even arrest him, which is not even done as the police is quick to let you know “na domestic matter, abeg make una go resolve am for house. Madam make you too dey take am easy and Oga no go dey beat you again”.

Yup! In Nigeria, that’s the notion. When a man beats a woman, it’s her fault.

And you find out that the tolerance of domestic violence is much more pronounced in Nigeria, the most religious country in the world, the country where you are quick to be reminded hell is your forte if you question anything more than what is deemed acceptable: Acceptable here means questions that have been asked AND answered. Ask any question that threatens the total comfortability of everyone’s belief and you hear the word “anti-Christ”, “end times”, “not religious enough”. Marriage dissolution itself is considered an act of anti-Christ which is why women will rather die as a “Mrs” than to revert back to “Miss”.

Oh ye violent tolerant wife, is there like an orgasmic effect for every slap, kick, blow, knock meted out to you by your Vandamme husband? I mean, is there like a kind of pleasurable pain derived when he practises his Jet-Li moves on your soft body?

Because I do not freaking get it! I really don’t.

This post may actually break all language ethics and diplomacy WILL NOT be used but hey, it’s my page. I am currently not writing for kids so if you hate for your deluded Eldorado state to be shaken by the blunt words you will see below, it really is advisable that you stop here and close this page.

I see so many women coming on social media requesting for advice on what to do as their hubbies are beating them and some hypocritical comments are pasted with the first being “Pray to God and he will help you”.

Will that be before the first blow or after the sixth slap?

News Flash: God WILL NOT come down and help you solve a man-made problem. Oh yes! The wisdom and knowledge you will use to deal with a violent spouse has already been bestowed on you. THAT is what God gives to you and that is the only one you will be getting.

Deal with that truth!

And some women are quick to let you know they are staying because of their children if you so much as ask them to consider other options.

Arabirin, I am afraid to be the one to break it to you but, should you pass on due to health implications of consistent violence, your children will call daddy’s new wife “Mummy”. And if you are lucky, daddy will let them keep your old pictures. But if on the other hand, step mummy is the kind of step mum that Binta in the Papa Ajasco series had, my dear, only your widower will know where you are buried and that you ever existed at one time.

Na so o my sister! Na so.

In case you are not aware, violence is a cycle. Once your children become aware that their father beat you and that you have come to accept it like people accept Christ as their Lord and saviour, you have automatically sealed their fate. And you have shaped the lives of your sons as they WILL try the same with their wives since they do not know better, especially if the violence started when they were still at an impressionable stage. And if their wives are like you and they accept this family norm of yours, then you and I know we have a doomed society, right? And as for your daughters, you have unconsciously passed across a notion to them that it is quite ok for a man to walk all over them and they in turn will grow up to marry someone who will take advantage, beat them and still have them apologising.

Not good for the society as a whole ma. Not good at all.

When you stay in a violent marriage because of your children, you are inadvertently letting them know that violence is an acceptable act in marriage and that there are no choices or options but to accept these violent acts because marriage is eternally binding.

Not to digress, sometime last week, the pope was quoted to have said that God is ever evolving and does not judge people as some passages in the bible are seen as portraying God as judgemental and unforgiving and as a result, some passages in the bible are out-dated.

Oh boy!

The comments that followed were not for small children o as they were so judgemental, filled with hypocrisy and as usual, over sabi worshippers who have been to heaven before to know those that will make it and those that won’t, as they are usually quick to condemn whatever threatens all they believe.

People like the idea of tolerance because it sounds like it is a palatable “live and let live” approach to life. It’s a mentality that sells well in this jet world because it seems so inclusive and it sounds so accepting. Everyone wants to be tolerant of different craps meted out to them and the supposed worst thing you can be today is intolerant or judgmental, as this means you will say things that will threaten people’s stance and beliefs.

Crap! Like he didn’t make a point.

Like we don’t know some worship centres do not acknowledge the old testaments because the beliefs there do not favour their neo colonialism mode of worship or if some passages are not out-dated, why do we not indulge in “eye for an eye” anymore or why are we advocating for one man one wife in today’s age when the great men in the bible got married to more than one wife?

But this is Nigeria anyway, when it comes to religion, we pick what we want and discard the rest and other’s beliefs.

That itself is another topic for another day.

To all the married women out there enduring violence, I believe you have a choice to be a role model to your daughters and do the needful by taking charge of your life, because when you let your daughters know that it is okay for a man to beat you and you do nothing about it, she will grow up believing she is a lesser being to a man and will grow with a low self-esteem and get married to a man who will repeat same and the cycle continues.

If you are going to stay with a violent man, let it be due to your unusual thrill for pain and not because of your children as no child will be proud of a weak mother with low self-esteem. And this self-esteem is usually as a result of lack of empowerment.

Na that one dey vex me pass.

Is it me or does it seem like majority of women that suffer violence in marriages are usually housewives? What does that tell you?

Get a job! Do something! Be independent!

NEWS FLASH: It will really be hard for a man to take advantage of a woman who is working, enlightened, exposed and self-sufficient to boot. It is almost impossible. Let no man born of woman dictate your path and your future. Yes, tolerance and perseverance in marriage sounds pretty good. But, in deep reality of today, it is actually pretty bad. Why?  

Because it doesn’t work. Why?

Human beings are piss takers. The term housewives, like some passages in the bible, are out-dated. It should even be a sin to you and your ears as a woman for a man to suggest that you should be a housewife.

House whaaaaat? This relationship is over bro! Delete my number.

Empower yourself before entering any serious relationship madam, so that a man will think twice and deep before bringing up such nonsense term that went out with the 1800’s.

Did I say 1800’s? Apologies! I meant the days of yore!

That by itself is a huge sign of insecurity and a chauvinistic concept to the core. Not just for you, but for your children. All that you need to survive as a married woman has been bestowed upon you the minute you accepted that there is no other God but him. Every other prayer you take to him is an update and he will bless you further with more wisdom and understanding to deal with every situation. Every other variable that leads to what you do is left to you and your following actions.

ANOTHER NEWS FLASH: God does not perform magic.

If a violent man wants to do away with his ways, it’s not because you fasted for 50 days while enduring so much torture and pain. It’s because he reconciled with his own inner God and DECIDED to change.

Yes he can change but advisably for your health, be somewhere else that he is not during this transition stage. Bring up your daughters to be self-sufficient, independent, and confident and in such a way that when they finally meet a man, they will both know that this relationship is not a needy one but for two complete people who will respect each other in every way possible.

I am still thinking about it and I am just too upset.

For the mothers, fathers of abused women who make it so difficult for their children to consider walking out of a violent home, another day and another time for una.

Let’s just hope your abused daughters will still be alive by then.

By the way, hearty Cheers to the incoming New Year!!!

I. N. T. E. G. R. I. T. Y: Thou art elusive!

An elusive concept/value.

One that should be in everyone's genes. It's about how we are raised, how we act and react, how we deal with ourselves and most importantly, how we deal with others.

Sadly, it is a fast fading concept right from the lowest cadre to the highest. And without trying to put the cart before the horse, let me take you back to the epistemological definition of the word integrity (now, where did that come from). 

It has been defined according to the Webster's dictionary (or is it Oxford?) as “a quality of being honest and fair. In another breath, it has also been defined as a steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.  But I won’t be surprised sha if a child under 15 years old reading this on my blog has a deep confused furrow on his/her brows and turns to his/her folks and says, “daddy, what is integrity”?

Yes, it is that bad and in case you are wondering what brought about this topic or where this inspiration came from, I will tell u. At no extra cost!

I was on my way to work this morning and I beckoned on those maigidas (abi abokis or mallams? No be same?) selling Orbit and the likes as I can be a sweet tooth some times. And I really don't know what made me ask the dude selling how much the Orbit was despite already rummaging inside my Louis Vuitton bag(na you sabi) for the exact amount I knew it was being sold for, and he announced in a rather unruffled way “N500”.

Whaaaaaaaaat!!!! Orbit of N200??? You dey craze????

You should have seen the way I went on and on in serious Queens English o, telling him it's people like him that won't make Nigeria progress and how MKO Abiola was killed and Muritala Muhammad was murdered due to corruption and I think I must have mentioned the open letter OBJ wrote to Jonathan somewhere in between my rants o, and I kept asking him in a rather heated & slightly raised voice whether it was because I asked for the price. And in a more angry and bewildered tone, I went further to ask whether it was because I was putting on a Fossil wristwatch with a lovely H & C shirt with my Loubotin heels and my Gucci bag (yeah yeah bite me, I like to look and feel good on Monday mornings)

Queen Elizabeth would have been proud of my diction and intonation.

At that moment, the aboki didn’t know whether to walk away from me as I was very certain the only word he could pick out of my rant was the one I kept mentioning “Orbit” & “200 naira”. In fact, by the time the other cars close to me became aware of the one sided rant and how I was speaking heatedly and in pure English to the aboki, I began to suspect they had already concluded on my mental state.

My dear, I was not bothered one bit. This is 300 naira we are talking about.

I still went on and on with the aboki and wanted to know what warranted the above 100% rise n the price of Orbit of N200 for N500. It was bad enough that the Federal Government gave just 3 days as public holiday for the season and that the cost of live chicken and groundnut oil has soared due to the festive season and the Pina Colada at the Ember Creek is so expensive and not even as thick & creamy as the one at Rhapsody’s (Is that the spelling? Whatever! The social birds will know where I am referring to). One aboki now wants to dupe me for 300 naira?

In this Nigeria? Ko jo mehn!  I have not digressed o. I am just still indignant.

Now the point I am trying to make from this is that,  if an ordinary sweet seller cannot be honest on something as trivial as the price of Orbit, how in the name of ten devils do we expect him to be when trusted with bigger responsibilities? And this brings to fore the main gist of this discourse.

We lack integrity in this country. Simple as that!

The bulk of the problems we have can be traced to an individual or groups of individuals who feel by virtue of their position or opportunity presented to them, they can steal and amass as much wealth as they can or take advantage of a lesser person just because they can. 

It's all around us. You want to get someone to render a service he has been employed and paid to do but if you don't tip him, he will not even move an inch. LACK OF INTEGRITY.

.

You go to White House in Yaba to buy amala with gbegiri, ewedun, ogufe & other orisi risi (jeez, am getting carried away again) and rather than join the queue to buy food, you shunt and when people start raising eyebrows, you say you were here earlier on, but had to quickly get to your car. LACK OF INTEGRITY.

You do not show up at work and call in sick but when you are called, you mention that your car broke down on 3^rd mainland bridge and in a rather quiet background that does not even sound like you are on 3^rd mainland, (and the same excuse for the 8^th time that year by the way), or that your grandfather is dead (making it the 6^th time since you joined the company that your grandpa passed away), or that your sister just gave birth (judging by the number of times you have used that line, your sister needs contraceptive pills and family planning), or that robbers are in your compound (this is really hilarious, and the most ridiculous of all), or the brave and most famous one every HR officer has heard one time too many, you send a text that you are purging. All? LACK OF INTEGRITY.

You have a beautiful drop dead gorgeous wife at home and you would rather be with another missus who does not even dress as much or even look as classy as wifey. LACK OF INTEGRITY my brother.

ASUU thankfully have called off their strike. And why did it drag so long? Simply because the government has refused to keep to their own end of the agreement that they willingly entered into just a while back. What’s the cause of that? LACK OF INTEGRITY.

This disease as I have decided to call this impending decay has cut through all facets of life and this is what is gradually killing the economy. 

Did I say gradually? Apologies. I meant, this is what has killed the economy.

You ask a child what he wants to become in future and he says “a politician”. Do pray tell, politician na professional job? Last time I checked, politics should be about service to humanity but what do we see now? People killing people to serve people.

It’s even now a taboo to have and show integrity as you will be mocked and taunted for not knowing how to come up with psyches and convenient excuses. The more sleek your lies, the more respect and awe people will hold and extend towards you. This explains why men with questionable and philandering habits that is glaring to all usually get the best of women due to the reassuring lies they emanate the minute they open their mouths.

Oh yeah, the more lies you give, the more women you get. The more gigantic your bulls**t, the higher your chance of social  popularity.

No course is being taught in university that has academic & social integrity among its electives or core subjects. Many students/workers/employees do not know what the term means. Everyone lie at the barest opportunity presented to them, ”I promise”, “I will be there in 10mins, “I did not take it”, “I am not cheating on you”, “I promise to love you and cherish you for better for worse” and bla bla bla. Some people actually say those vows with their mistress/lover sitting among other guests while they exchange the face value vows with their spouse. Some men are now getting very bold as to inviting their side chicks to their wedding while some women bravely sign the dotted lines with another man’s baby growing in their belly.

Hian! I’m sure even the devil is aghast.

You think I’m lying? Ask any youth what the term “Integrity” means and you will hear sentences like “I know I have seen & heard that word before but I am not sure what it means”.

Try it and you will be shocked.

Parents no longer inculcate integrity as an integral part of growing up. Many are simply interested in amassing passports and visas for their kids and showing their latest wears via Social Medias and updating the latest cool pics they recently took on their way out of the country or into the country.

Sad!

The foundation of our problems as a whole in Nigeria is LACK OF INTEGRITY. And for integrity to be a recurring and most yearned value for the development of an individual AND of a nation, the onus lies in each and every one of us, not the teacher, not the employer nor the lecturer but in YOU, as a parent, as a sister, a brother, a father, a mother, a grandpa, and a grandma.

Charity begins AT HOME. Charity here means INTEGRITY & TRUST. Teach your kids the value of respecting the next individual by speaking the truth at all times. Let your child take responsibility for all errant behavior. Set realistic punishment/goals for your children. Inculcate integrity on every aspect of their being and watch the start of a developed nation.

So, while the country at large can focus on mundane issues like Stella Oduah's BMW saga, Obasanjo’s open letter to Jona, Iyabo’s letter to OBJ, my open letter to my hubby and the likes, I will continue to rant about why my Orbit seller would sell Orbit at an exorbitant price, why my mechanic will use my hard earned money to build a mansion in his village, why people over promise on their resumes and during interviews and fail to deliver when recruited, why my hair stylist will cancel at the last minute just because I negotiated from 5000 to 2000, why Hubby did not tell me he was domestically challenged while we were courting, why I have to pay the servers at some wedding before they can bring me a glass cup of Chapman and small chops.

As for whether I can boast of having the so much talked about Integrity, I will leave you to be the judge.

I rest my case. 

My Vintage Year: Kaleidoscopic Memories

2013 is gradually rounding off! Just like that! 

Astonishing! Unbelievable!!

One minute we were in July and I blinked and voila! It is December 10^th 2013 (19 more days to my 21st birthday, for those that do not know the date and my exact age as people keep thinking I was  19 years old. Guys! Come on! I am 21years old joor. (Blushing tinzz)

Did the year soar by quickly or what? Soon it will be 2014 and another decade will begin to move swiftly and sharply. Time flies, they say, and it seems like it is spinning even faster nowadays. By this time last year, I was looking forward to the year 2013 with aspirations and expectations even though many of them were built on unrealistic fantasies. I had a long list of ambitions.  I was scared I may not be able to take that giant first stride to begin as I was not certain I could even fulfil half of it since anyone worth his/her onions with me knows I invented procrastination. Wait a second, did I just down play that? I am the word Procrastination itself ( check the oxford dictionary and the synonym of that word is my name)

Let me mention here that in as much as I believe in the omnipotent and omni-something (is it science? Can't really remember), I know I'd be exaggerating if I describe myself as being religious as I may just receive a thunderbolt slap from above for such weak attribution to something I am really not. So I am careful not to mention that I prayed fervently at the beginning of this year to accomplish some certain things because, I really did not. I simply wrote on a piece of paper which I must have thrown away the next day on what I want to get going by 2013 and they are as follows;

 1) Commence an important educational program

 2) Get my career mode into a comfortable position (being careful not to mention promotion before some person go dey ask for money wey no dey) 

3) And some other private stuff you must be really be deluded if you think I will post it here. (And nope, not what I know you are thinking)

Let's just say I achieved all before the last embers of the year I must say. 

Oh yes, I try to give to Caesar what belongs to him no doubt. I say my prayers, especially when I suspect I am already using my last straw with God. And I also try to keep the 10 commandments holy (Ask my Mum, I honour her a lot. I try not to lie (remember the arrogance of no one worth lying to?) I try not to steal (But mehn, it's really hard not fapping my sister's favourite lipstick or a shirt and pair of trousers from her wardrobe, wearing my mum's slippers out of the house without her knowledge until she wants to wear them few weeks later which by that time, I may have damaged them, take an empty cd from Hubby's revered carton and use his polo sport perfume. But I am trying, really). I have never committed adultery. Kilo fe faranu? I don't call the name of the Lord in vain, I assure you and what else again? Oh yes, I do not and have never killed and do not intend to kill anyone. (Now, cockroaches, live chickens, rats and rodents do not count, right? They had better not o. Otherwise, we know who will not be entering the pearly white gates of Heaven, don't we?)

And that's all the commandments though, yes? (Where is that my bible again sef)

So yes, I say my prayers and Hubby has even referred to me as being morally upright some while back. (Or was it uptight and sanctimonious he said? Whatever! They all mean the same). On a scale of 1-10 moral wise, I will place myself on 8. Yes, I am very particular about my morals. Not a saint and though the last person to put Christ like or religious posts lifted from internet on social media, I try to maintain a very healthy balance between what's right and what's wrong with my weight tilting towards what's right.

Simply put, I am a bad girl gone good and I intend to keep it as such.

Now it's the 10^th day of the last month of the year and 21 days before the advent of another year, and I am really grateful to God. Nope, I didn't get everything on my wish-list most def as I have not even finished writing all that ought to be on my wish list. But I have gained so many wonderful things in this past year, without needing anyone to tell me and I have received so many blessings that I cannot but be grateful.

Old friends will know that for the past five years, I have made a habit of blogging about all I am thankful for either at the end of the year or at the beginning of the year. However, I have a tingling feeling that these 3 days break may be the one and only break I will be receiving in a very long time to come and I am so going to make good use of it. (Yup, I said it. The proverbial cat is away and this proverbial mouse, oh boy, is about to give the phrase “make most of the break” a very new meaning. Don’t ask where the proverbial and revered cat went! This mouse is already mouth deep in some rich cheese.)

I am extremely thankful to God for my blessings.

I am shocked, surprised, astounded, and overtly glad that I am still alive. (You have no idea how many times I have come close to death. The memory of that truck whose brake failed and headed right for me comes readily comes to mind #shivers#)

I am thankful for the gift of a Hubby who is a friend, a companion, an annoying house mate, a domestically challenged spouse who is getting chore- worse by the day, my ever ready yab-partner, a teasing partner, one I trust and depend on for all issues (and trust me when I say all issues) and one who I married with common sense in my head and not just a fluttering heart beat and who I must say “I really chose well”.#am sure he would be wondering what I want from him as I am never this nice#

I'm thankful for my family as time & situation has revealed that nothing, absolutely nothing should come before & between families: my indescribable mum who I still psyche to cook for me and hubby and she never says no, a splendid mum in law who is so caring, attentive and supportive and I miss more than anything , Sisters who are more annoying but so tolerant of me (I assure you I am a difficult person to love and tolerate), Sis-in-laws who surprisingly I am not sure whether I love them more than I love my hubby sef (Pick your jaw from the floor Mr Alade) bro–in-laws with swag toh make sense, splendid aunts& uncles, both primary relatives and inherited by marriage, wonderful cousins whose bond have grown over the past few years, old colleagues that I miss so much that it actually hurts at times, new colleagues who gave new meaning to the term “team effort” and make me look forward to driving off to work every day(Sorry, I just had to let you know I drive really.), bosses who have challenged my mental capacity and initiative that I no longer need to go to luminousity.com to know how mentally alert I am. Neither do I need to answer the tricky Mckinsey tests to know I am extremely capable of coming up with business ideas and solutions within a very short space of breathe.

I am thankful that I am gradually learning to control my temper, be more tolerant, less snobbish (that’s not true actually. I am actually still snobbish, intellectually. I mean how can you not know how to spell, articulate fluently or write well in situations that call for it, really? Jeez!) Fine, I am thankful I will be alive to work on my intellectual tolerance of people by next year, or in 2 years’ time? 3years?

I am extremely thankful for these 3 days break, eternally grateful and ecstatic for the amount of sleep and meals that will be consumed during this much elusive but deserved break.  

I'm thankful to God that I have never had to go hungry, compromise a standard for another smaller one due to shortage of funds or sell something to get fast cash. (I am not even going to mention that Hubby has been trying to get me to sell my wedding gown because it’s occupying space in the wardrobe. Imagine! Wait a minute, I have not seen that gown in a while o. What the…….)

I'm thankful for the enormous good times I have enjoyed both at work and at home and at some very fun joints in Lagos.

I'm thankful for the excess laughter, rich sarcasm, hilarious experiences and the constant fun the wonderful people in my life have brought forth. There are just too many angry and depressed people in the world today. (When you read the comments on Linda Ikeji & Stella Dimorko’s blog, you will understand what I am talking about. Some people just don't have joy in their lives. )

I'm thankful to God that I will be adding another year to my life in 19 days’ time. I celebrated all past birthdays in perfect health, surrounded by family & good friends and a wonderful Hubby who I think is planning a surprise party for me.(He has no choice now, shey? Hehehehe)

I'm thankful to God for the many wonderful new friends I made this year, especially my fellow colleagues at my current place of work. (I am not mentioning names guys! Before I resume work and people start giving attitude for not mentioning names) and my ex team members, CET, Team 31, Team 7 & Team 14, Pacific, Optimum Exposures, Insight Grey & people who have become so close to me I cannot even remember how we met in the first place, as in seriously, how did I even meet some of you?

I'm thankful because I'm older and wiser now, (though still a damn fine wine in a fine bottle) than I was a year ago.

I'm thankful that I went through 2013 without any accidents – Remarkable! Small car bashes don’t count though because if we use that one to judge ehn, whew! (Considering Hubby has said I am a vagabond & menace to the citizens on the streets of Lagos & Nigeria as a whole)

I'm thankful for the trips around the cities of Nigeria I enjoyed during the year. (Liar! Cities my foot! Actually, I have only been to Ibadan this year. How embarrassing! I really need a vacation!)

I'm thankful for the progress I made with my work, my educational program, personal development courses & my career path this year. And I am very thankful for the opportunities I have to explore further in the coming year. (Hope my boss does not think I meant job opportunities o!)

I'm thankful to my co-Face bookers who reel out controversial topics that we agree to disagree on, friends who send me inspirational mails every morning, those BB contacts that don’t understand I hate broadcast messages!!! The very many friends I have on Facebook that keep my page active and the impressive networks I have built on Linkedin that keep me updated on several job opportunities I will not be pursuing anytime soon but great to know I am considered worthy to be offered one. (It does a lot of good to the ego and soul I tell ya!)  .

I'm thankful because I've moved closer to God this year and planning on keeping it that way till eternity. (With a religious mum and mum in law, I have no choice mehn as I am sure I will soon be liaising directly with God the Father and Jesus the son on a one on one basis sef!)

I'm also thankful for the many lessons I've learnt this year:

I have learnt to: be self-sufficient, tolerant, accept constructive criticism without imagining the person in heated oil, see the man as the head of the house and I can assure you that is not an easy feat mehn, not taking decisions when I am emotional, control my temper, and I have learnt that I really don’t have enemies but people who actually want to know me but don’t know how to approach. (Only the likes of Dangote, Adenuga, Adeleke, Otedola have enemies. So who I be that I’m deceiving myself that I have enemies? Hian!

In 2014:

I want to be completely in tune with where God wants me to be, what God wants me to do and at his own appointed & perfect timing. (It had better be a very good place o)

I want to be more like the “me” I picture in my mind’s eye everyday ;( or is it fantasy because I fantasize a lot!)Very loquacious, excellent public speaker, a good motivator, a wonderful manager of people & time, gregarious, confident, brilliant, intelligent, creative and astoundingly entrepreneurial. 

I want to achieve my potential with my writing & event management skills & commence all professional courses designed to bring out that best side of me and stop stealing tids & bits of free courses online.

I want to become a better wife, a wonderful mother, a more tolerant sister, a more concerned friend who keeps in touch with all her friends, a better team player at work, a honorable daughter so that when I look back in few years’ time and google my name online and everywhere google able, I will be one of the most recommended public speakers the world can boast of and a role model for growing women & children across the globe. (Ok, that’s too much ambition!)

So help me God.

A Merry Christmas to everyone and may 2014 be the best year ever!

 Cheers!

Naija vs Obodo Oyinbo: To Build or Bolt?

Hubby can be bush and set in his ways sha. Choi! 

I have been begging for an American visa since he introduced himself to me, but mba! He no gree. Any-time I broach the subject to him and plead that he gets me several visas as the need to have them may come handy when we least expect, he reminds me of my ancestral commitment to make Nigeria a better place and how only he and I can contribute to making the world a better place and other stories I really really can do without, sincerely. At times, just to watch him work himself into a patriotic speech mode, I simply make the request again despite knowing what the outcome will be. 

He has never disappointed me.

And this lifetime achievement called marriage sef has not made it easy to decide to get one by myself and for myself and with my funds as we are now one and according to him, "we need to know where every kobo is going", so there goes my chance of being a yankee citizen. At least we know who will not be giving birth to any child in America or anywhere outside the country as I can literally hear his voice in my head, "what's wrong with St Nicholas Hospital or Eko Hospital or Omotayo Hospital? Is it not just to bring out the baby? I have this uncle who is very good and he knows how to deliver new babies........and he will go on and on." 

Very archaic perzin.

Any-time this tirade of being a hero to one's country comes up from him, I simply visualise him in Zulu clothes, standing at the war front with his bow and arrow while cheering his fellow fighters not to give up the struggle. Sighs

Ever since I could remember, I have always wanted to relocate to America, the land of all, the free country, where you can commit any crime and hide it under a wide range of ailment that psychologists will defend to the last. The land that permits you to tell your parents, "shut up", "get out", "oh, go to hell", "I hate you mum, dad", "I'm calling the police" or the worst of all, commit the most heinous of crimes with even a police officer as witness and get the best lawyers to defend you to the juror and you are free in the land of freedom.

Haaa, try that in Naija and you will choose your own casket by yourself.

Considering I read a lot, watch movies a lot and surf the net like every minute of each day, I have seen different countries in different lights; a country housing the homos n lesbos, a country housing very loquacious kids, a country where you can get away with any crime whatsoever so long as you have an extremely good lawyer to defend you, a country housing more left handed people than right handed ones, a country boasting of more divorces than childbirth, a country where racism is only on paper to have ended but actually hasn't because Africans are now being treated as second class citizens by Africans. The battle is no longer between whites & blacks but blacks & blacks.

Then it hit me.

Racism is also in Nigeria. Racism exists everywhere in Nigeria even though hypocrisy has been used to replace the term racism.

Oh crap!

I am actually tired of writing. It’s been a very very busy day and my brain just hit a cow. Anything I write outside this paragraph will be the most meaningless and senseless you may have ever come across as nothing productive is going to come out of me today again, I assure you.

So let’s call it a day and I will continue from here as soon as the cow leaves the way.

Over & out.

Still on the Awoof Matter: #Fall Yakata Christmas Sale#

Na wah for people o, especially us, Nigerians. Una too like awoof.

Habatically!

When I spent hours coming up with articles to paste on my blog just to make people laugh, na beg we take beg o say make una read. Na by force sef the blog views dey take reach 500 per day.

When I write funny blogs (abi iz not funny nii?) to make everyone laugh and drown the stress of Nigeria, hian! Una no gree. And it’s not like it’s my fault if your problems are far outweighing my funny posts o.

I posted Christmas sales and suddenly, my blog views pass Linda Ikeji & Bella Naija’s own (they told me themselves na). As the views kept increasing, the questions started trooping in per second basis. Even peeps that have never as much said hello, I suddenly became important. Funny questions started coming, “How are you?”(Do you even know my name?), “I have missed you o” (never seen this person before in my life), “How’s that your fine husband by the way?”(Who in God’s name are you talking about? You don see am before?), “How’s your mother in law?”(If anything happens to her, you are finished because I know you DO NOT know her from any angle. Who asks for one’s mother in law ahn ahn?”). One even went ahead to ask, “How are your children & their nanny?” (Na you carry them for womb within that space of time? And Nanny? Seriously? Because of fall Yakata sales?”).

Anyway, after the Christmas sales post, the small talk became bastardised and I was assaulted with them. When all ridiculous enquiries have been exhausted, the questions started coming in droves, “what time is it starting”? (You no dey read your mail or the website no clear for ya computer?), “Am I to pay on delivery or instant payment online”? (Your question take style legit sha), “Can I get a TV, Gen and Inverter during this sale?” (Na wah o, people are wicked sha. So after the sale, make all of us for company close down go dey sell Moringa seed abi? Awon ota aje), “Can I give you cash for 15 Tecno phones so I resell?” (Haaaa, aiye yii ma nika o. 15 tecno phones!!! Only one perzin. May God judge you o!), “Teju, can I pay some money to your account so you help make purchase of a list of items I will send to your mail as soon as it is 9:00am on Friday”? (Rara, I will not only stay by the computer to quickly purchase them, I will even take the whole day off so I can shop for you. Lemme even send my boss the mail now to notify him in advance. Ika eniyan).

Trust me, the questions were endless. Some people are even upset with me already sef and have yanked me off their bb and Facebook, and even LinkedIn o, just because I refused to give them the address of the location where all the goods are situated, as they want to come and pick by themselves.( Na bend down select? )Haaaa! People are wicked. Should such people make heaven, like seriously, should they? Despite the fact that prices are going to be slashed ridiculously and even out of wedlock for that matter, they want discount again. You do not even need to pay o when the dispatch delivers to you. Just collect what your ancestors have worked for from him. Ahn ahn!

Anyway, I was able to liaise with the team responsible for the advent of this upcoming sale and they were able to come up with some FAQ’s to attend to some raised queries.

However, if after reading the FAQ’s below and your answer does not seem to be included, it is very possible your question was so ridiculous I just did not bother to forward to the necessary team, or the answers are simply being formed from the scratch and like evolution, it is just being formed, letter by letter. We sent a mail to Albert Einstein regarding your question and he is yet to respond. Please hold as your enquiries are important to us. Kindly exercise patience while we try and come up with the appropriate responses by Tuesday December 3^rd 2013.

I hope that date is okay by you?

O better!

 FAQ's on the #Fall Yakata Christmas Sale#

Q- What is the meaning of Fall Yakata? 

A- It is Pidgin English adverb for finish; totally; utterly; completely. An example is: “All the prices will fall yakata on Konga.com”.

Q-When will the Fall Yakata Sale begin?

A-The Fall Yakata Sale will officially start on Black Friday Nov 29, 2013 at 9am, and end on Cyber Monday Dec 2, 2013.

Q- Is the Fall Yakata Sale real? (Na photoshop. Stay there make dem buy everything finish o)

A-Yes! Yes! Yes! Konga is known for bringing the best and biggest deals and this time we are doing it in grand style  

Q- How can I pay for my goods for Fall Yakata?

A- The different payment methods available on Konga are; Pay on delivery, via bank transfer/deposit into your wallet and with your debit card. These different methods have their lag times so you can decide on the best method that will give you the best chance of participating in the limited time deals.

Q- How fast will the prices of goods go up?

A- So if you don’t already know, some of the deals available on the Fall Yakata page will be limited time deals and their availability will be subject to stock and the times set for them.  

Q- Can I pay from outside the country?

A-International MasterCard is available on Konga.com, so Yes! You can shop with your international MasterCard and get it delivered to a location in Nigeria.  

Q- Will Fall Yakata hold all day?

A-Fall Yakata will hold from Black Friday Nov 29, 2013 at 9am, and end on CyberMonday Dec 2. 2013 but deals are subject to availability of stock.  

Q-Is the Sale strictly within Lagos?

A-No! Konga operates nationwide so Fall Yakata will be available nationwide  

Q- Are items limited? (before nko? You want us to run down ba?)

A-Items available for the Fall Yakata Sale are limited, so the faster you shop, the better your chances of enjoying the discounts bound by time.

Q- Is it fastest fingers first? (Na wah o. How else will the sales reach na if everbody use google browser? Abeg let some people use Internet explorer jo. Fiiiine, that was not what they said jo)

A-Most of the deals on Fall Yakata will be limited time deals so to avoid being beaten out of a deal by someone else; you need to be right on time!

Q- Why Is Konga having the Fall Yakata Sale? (How many times will you ask na? Abi na me post twice nii?)

A-Fall Yakata is an opportunity for us to say a big thank you to all our customers for making us the number one shopping destination this year.

Q- What are the specific items going on sale in the Fall Yakata Sale? (E be like say I don see this question before o. Na my eyes dey double nii?)

A special page has been created for the yakata sale, and when you visit the http://konga.com/yakata page on black friday, you will be automatically redirected to the special yakata page with all the deals.

Q- Is the Sale strictly within Lagos? (Ok, something is wrong with my eyes. Is it me or have I seen this question above?)

A-No! Konga operates nationwide so Fall Yakata will be available nationwide

Q-How long will goods ordered in the Fall Yakata Sale take to reach me?

A-Goods ordered on Konga take a period of 1 to 3 days for some items (Within Lagos), 3 to 5 days for some items (Outside Lagos) and may take longer for some other items. We will always keep you in the loop when there are any delays in delivering your items (which do not happen often). The biggest deals available in the fall Yakata sale will be the Sony Playstation 4 and the Techno Phantom A+ which will go for N60,000 and N19,000 respectively sometime during the Fall Yakata Sale.

I am sure some people will still not be satisfied with the questions above o. So, feel free to drop all questions in the comment box below and I will try not to make my responses sarcastic. At least, make I try do some small sales and who knows! I fit get bonus.

Remember, to participate in the sale you need to visit http://konga.com/yakata

Because, some will still ask, “please what is the link again?”

E no pass something una fit do.

As an aside, please be informed the sarcastic comments included within the FAQ’s have no intention of insulting anyone but rather to create humour while getting the message being passed across. All questions sent to me have been answered within the FAQ’s so abeg before asking any more qweshions, be sure it haff been answered above.

And by the way, I hope the humour in this advert is appreciated as I know someone reading this might have a flat tyre on the way home, or those yellow buses may remove your bumper, or worse still, you forget to use your seat belt and awon ibeji Fashola will do the needful and after managing to get home after parting with over 10k, there will be no electricity and the generator will refuse to start and the gas would have been exhausted and phone batteries will be totally out.

So be nice and print out this article, but ensure you share the article first.

Over & out.

Alien words used within the article:

Awoof - Love of free things, anything at all that will cost next to nothing, or nothing, if given the chance.

Na wah- There is really no meaning to this meaningless phrase.

Una too like awoof - Phrase meaning one loves the thought of free things. And I am not talking about water and air. I am referring to cases where one can get something that ordinarily one has not earned or worked for but hoping to get the best out of it. In this case/article, awoof refers to a totally unbelievably & ridiculously low price.

Na beg we take beg  o- meaning one is pleading excessively than the required dosage per day. That's why some people float on air.

Hian- A word expressing scorn like anger. It is usually said while making a funny click of both hands.

Ota aje- Enemy of progress. They exist everywhere o. Just look closely, especially people that price items sinfully, like cutting down price of product from 5000 to 1500.

Aiye yii ma nika o- A phrase expressing the state of wickedness in the world.

Ika eniyan – meaning a wicked person and usually said with the nose slightly turned up on one side.

Awon Ibeji Fashola- Lagosians will know who they are. Hehehehe. Turn to a Lagosian today and start a conversation with the question: "Who is referred to as "awon ibeji Fashola?". And who knows, that may be your spouse you will be asking. Loool