War Against Domestic Violence, or Violence of any kind really.

I am not tolerant of violence, people, things, slow people and things, unintelligence, slow people, hypocrites, violence, dishonest people, piss takers, pathological liars, slow people, violence, hypocrites, unintelligence, slow people, violence, things, cruelty, daftness, unintelligence, slow people.

Let me know when I start repeating myself o. But you get my drift, right?

I do not have any tolerance bone in me for anything actually. I know that. My tolerance level for almost everything is non-existent, especially when it involves repetition, or violence as this case may be. So it is really a surprise that I am in an eternal bonding (I won’t rule out jazz o) with Hubby who is the opposite of me where organization is concerned and I have to whine repetitively on the need for faultless organisation of the house.(not nag o but just repeat myself in a tush way).

I still maintain that he jazzed me *sniffs*

Anyway, back to the serious matter at hand.

One of the most dominant words that we get to use a lot in this country and even beyond the shores of Nigeria: TOLERANCE. Everybody seems to have that at the tip of their tongue and simply throw it into a conversation requiring a response to the solicited advice being sought, or an even unsolicited one. Politicians tell citizens, “Be patient, Rome was not built in a day. America got it right only after 200 years” (abi is it 100 years, answer na Columbus?) Either way, while being tolerant, many citizens lose their loved ones due to mishap caused by non-existing facilities the government did not provide.

Husbands tell wives “You have to be patient and tolerant with me. Even Dangote and Adenuga did not make it at once” (While he is tapping into Caro’s anointing outside o).

Parents are quick to tell their crying daughters who run home to report that their hubbies are beating them, “you have to be tolerant and persevere as marriage is not a bed of roses. Suru ati iteriba loro yii gba. (Patience and Submission is the most important thing here) You must be doing something wrong. Go home and beg him. Be more submissive. If he is upset, beg him, give him food. Be more tolerant and patient and God will see you through.”(Until they receive her dead body)

Nonsense! Oshisco! Iranu!

In today’s society, it seems that we would rather let a violent marriage endure itself until the woman is dead because of so much importance not just attached to marriage itself but the word “Mrs”. And we would prefer to allow a very violent man to self-destruct himself and his family rather than dare to confront him or even arrest him, which is not even done as the police is quick to let you know “na domestic matter, abeg make una go resolve am for house. Madam make you too dey take am easy and Oga no go dey beat you again”.

Yup! In Nigeria, that’s the notion. When a man beats a woman, it’s her fault.

And you find out that the tolerance of domestic violence is much more pronounced in Nigeria, the most religious country in the world, the country where you are quick to be reminded hell is your forte if you question anything more than what is deemed acceptable: Acceptable here means questions that have been asked AND answered. Ask any question that threatens the total comfortability of everyone’s belief and you hear the word “anti-Christ”, “end times”, “not religious enough”. Marriage dissolution itself is considered an act of anti-Christ which is why women will rather die as a “Mrs” than to revert back to “Miss”.

Oh ye violent tolerant wife, is there like an orgasmic effect for every slap, kick, blow, knock meted out to you by your Vandamme husband? I mean, is there like a kind of pleasurable pain derived when he practises his Jet-Li moves on your soft body?

Because I do not freaking get it! I really don’t.

This post may actually break all language ethics and diplomacy WILL NOT be used but hey, it’s my page. I am currently not writing for kids so if you hate for your deluded Eldorado state to be shaken by the blunt words you will see below, it really is advisable that you stop here and close this page.

I see so many women coming on social media requesting for advice on what to do as their hubbies are beating them and some hypocritical comments are pasted with the first being “Pray to God and he will help you”.

Will that be before the first blow or after the sixth slap?

News Flash: God WILL NOT come down and help you solve a man-made problem. Oh yes! The wisdom and knowledge you will use to deal with a violent spouse has already been bestowed on you. THAT is what God gives to you and that is the only one you will be getting.

Deal with that truth!

And some women are quick to let you know they are staying because of their children if you so much as ask them to consider other options.

Arabirin, I am afraid to be the one to break it to you but, should you pass on due to health implications of consistent violence, your children will call daddy’s new wife “Mummy”. And if you are lucky, daddy will let them keep your old pictures. But if on the other hand, step mummy is the kind of step mum that Binta in the Papa Ajasco series had, my dear, only your widower will know where you are buried and that you ever existed at one time.

Na so o my sister! Na so.

In case you are not aware, violence is a cycle. Once your children become aware that their father beat you and that you have come to accept it like people accept Christ as their Lord and saviour, you have automatically sealed their fate. And you have shaped the lives of your sons as they WILL try the same with their wives since they do not know better, especially if the violence started when they were still at an impressionable stage. And if their wives are like you and they accept this family norm of yours, then you and I know we have a doomed society, right? And as for your daughters, you have unconsciously passed across a notion to them that it is quite ok for a man to walk all over them and they in turn will grow up to marry someone who will take advantage, beat them and still have them apologising.

Not good for the society as a whole ma. Not good at all.

When you stay in a violent marriage because of your children, you are inadvertently letting them know that violence is an acceptable act in marriage and that there are no choices or options but to accept these violent acts because marriage is eternally binding.

Not to digress, sometime last week, the pope was quoted to have said that God is ever evolving and does not judge people as some passages in the bible are seen as portraying God as judgemental and unforgiving and as a result, some passages in the bible are out-dated.

Oh boy!

The comments that followed were not for small children o as they were so judgemental, filled with hypocrisy and as usual, over sabi worshippers who have been to heaven before to know those that will make it and those that won’t, as they are usually quick to condemn whatever threatens all they believe.

People like the idea of tolerance because it sounds like it is a palatable “live and let live” approach to life. It’s a mentality that sells well in this jet world because it seems so inclusive and it sounds so accepting. Everyone wants to be tolerant of different craps meted out to them and the supposed worst thing you can be today is intolerant or judgmental, as this means you will say things that will threaten people’s stance and beliefs.

Crap! Like he didn’t make a point.

Like we don’t know some worship centres do not acknowledge the old testaments because the beliefs there do not favour their neo colonialism mode of worship or if some passages are not out-dated, why do we not indulge in “eye for an eye” anymore or why are we advocating for one man one wife in today’s age when the great men in the bible got married to more than one wife?

But this is Nigeria anyway, when it comes to religion, we pick what we want and discard the rest and other’s beliefs.

That itself is another topic for another day.

To all the married women out there enduring violence, I believe you have a choice to be a role model to your daughters and do the needful by taking charge of your life, because when you let your daughters know that it is okay for a man to beat you and you do nothing about it, she will grow up believing she is a lesser being to a man and will grow with a low self-esteem and get married to a man who will repeat same and the cycle continues.

If you are going to stay with a violent man, let it be due to your unusual thrill for pain and not because of your children as no child will be proud of a weak mother with low self-esteem. And this self-esteem is usually as a result of lack of empowerment.

Na that one dey vex me pass.

Is it me or does it seem like majority of women that suffer violence in marriages are usually housewives? What does that tell you?

Get a job! Do something! Be independent!

NEWS FLASH: It will really be hard for a man to take advantage of a woman who is working, enlightened, exposed and self-sufficient to boot. It is almost impossible. Let no man born of woman dictate your path and your future. Yes, tolerance and perseverance in marriage sounds pretty good. But, in deep reality of today, it is actually pretty bad. Why?  

Because it doesn’t work. Why?

Human beings are piss takers. The term housewives, like some passages in the bible, are out-dated. It should even be a sin to you and your ears as a woman for a man to suggest that you should be a housewife.

House whaaaaat? This relationship is over bro! Delete my number.

Empower yourself before entering any serious relationship madam, so that a man will think twice and deep before bringing up such nonsense term that went out with the 1800’s.

Did I say 1800’s? Apologies! I meant the days of yore!

That by itself is a huge sign of insecurity and a chauvinistic concept to the core. Not just for you, but for your children. All that you need to survive as a married woman has been bestowed upon you the minute you accepted that there is no other God but him. Every other prayer you take to him is an update and he will bless you further with more wisdom and understanding to deal with every situation. Every other variable that leads to what you do is left to you and your following actions.

ANOTHER NEWS FLASH: God does not perform magic.

If a violent man wants to do away with his ways, it’s not because you fasted for 50 days while enduring so much torture and pain. It’s because he reconciled with his own inner God and DECIDED to change.

Yes he can change but advisably for your health, be somewhere else that he is not during this transition stage. Bring up your daughters to be self-sufficient, independent, and confident and in such a way that when they finally meet a man, they will both know that this relationship is not a needy one but for two complete people who will respect each other in every way possible.

I am still thinking about it and I am just too upset.

For the mothers, fathers of abused women who make it so difficult for their children to consider walking out of a violent home, another day and another time for una.

Let’s just hope your abused daughters will still be alive by then.

By the way, hearty Cheers to the incoming New Year!!!