Small Talks: The Nonsensical Abuse

I hate small talks. It is as simple as that.

Has anyone ever experienced the process of watching someone attempt to make small talks with you? As in, have you actually experienced the hypocritical greetings and interests that lead to that unwelcome, "so how's your day going? Did you see the traffic on 3rd Mainland"(Yes, I saw it. What do you want to do about it?) Ever really seen how small talk is generated? If you have ever been a victim of small talk, you will certainly not have a welcoming smile on your face when you meet someone for the first time and you have to watch the person attempt to fill up the comfortable silence you so wish for at that point in time.

I once experienced such and sadly, it was at a time in my life where I'd had it up to the neck with small talks. Sometime ago at a rather large gathering, this very cool looking dude walked up to my seat, hung around in a matter that suggested dis-interest but due to my ability to recognise someone attempting to make small talks from afar, I deduced this one was about to commit the greatest crime of all: making small talks. The minute he smiled at me and was about to open his mouth to speak, I simply raised my hand and said "please don't". The poor guy was perplexed and walked away with a rather confused expression on his face.

What issues do people have with silence? Seriously, when you meet someone for the first time and introductions have been made and we have all lied by saying the famous, "Nice meeting you" can't we simply bring out our phones and chat happily away or simply try and write out our to-do list for the coming week? Why must we torture the person unfortunate to sit beside us by practically gearing up to fill it with lies that come in form of "nice shoes"(What do you like, the colour or the ancient look? Please specify), "I like your hair"(really? what do you like, pray do tell me), or "So, it's really raining heavily, isn't it". (Like duh! that's the best you can come up with?) I really do not care FYI. If you sit beside me and we have been introduced, kindly sit on your side of the table and leave me alone!!! Is that so much to ask for? What have I done to deserve this small talk? Why was I chosen? Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? God, Why? In such situations, I hold myself in check not to start weeping to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? Is it?

Except you foresee danger that will affect my state of being or the waiter is passing my way without dropping any food on my table, stay away!!!

The issue with small talk is a very serious societal issue that needs to be eradicated as soon as possible because it breeds unnecessary friendship, too much information revealed by the speaker to the speakee.(Like I said, it's my blog page, so I can coin words in any way I so choose. Soyinka did it, didn't he?)

Coincidentally, I come from a family background that also cherish silence with a passion. I mean, Kilo fe foshi? What's with the famzing? And I am also married to someone who loathes small talks more than I do. Hubby and I can comfortably be in same house for a whole day and the only word we will utter to each other may be "Thanks for the meal dear"(Remember Hubby can't cook to save his life?) So most times when he has had the meal of the day and has shown courteous appreciation, he slinks back to wherever in the house he was before the meal and only when it's time to sleep do we maybe communicate again.( At this point, the dirty minded people will start thinking wildly).

The most annoying problem with small talk is that the producer of such talk usually choose to ignore the body language being emitted from you showing that you would rather be left alone. Do they heed your facial expression of disinterest? Noooo!! They go on and on passing across a message you will give anything to have them keep to themselves. And then they commit the most abominable act while engaging in that small talk: they poke at you repeatedly to convey their message. Jesus!! Life is hard enough with no fuel, no water, boko haram, ASUU strike, plane crashes, no electricity and no good roads and yet some people will consistently poke you not because your face is not showing the amount of interest needed, but to ensure you are following whatever conversation they seem to have going. Some even go as far as slapping your arm or hitting your laps repeatedly to ensure you are following all the way. I was once moved to tears when I sat beside someone who could not communicate except she touches you or pokes at you. And she was someone I could not snap at. When I got home, my shoulders and laps were bruised and red from the small talk assault.

But at this stage of my life where I now make all the choices that come my way, I do not encourage it and friends and colleagues can testify. Once I see an incoming gmail chat or blackberry chat that starts with a fake smile icon, my self security alert immediately gets activated and I simply wait while the person tries the routine small talk knowing they want something.

"Babe, how far na? (far from where) How's the family and your hubby?(Do you know them?) Hope you are enjoying your honey moon?(This is the 6th month of marriage and the person thinks I am still cocooned in hubby's arms at a lake resort.Quite sad!)Hope your tummy is now big?(with food or what? Kwashiokor?) How's work na?(I have never shared my work details with most of them) How's your health now? (What is wrong with me?) You were ill the last time we spoke(Really, that was some few weeks before my wedding that happened 6 months ago), It's been a while we hooked up,(That's because we are not close) And when the person is still making the irrelevant small talk, I simply cut to the chase and ask: "What do you want"?

I will not even bother to go into details of the other set of incredible people that leave more than 2 missed calls on your phone simultaneously, and from just one individual. But that's a gist for another day.

Native terms used within the article:

"Kilo fe foshi" - A native phrase in Yoruba dialect that simply means "What's causing this nonsense". You can only achieve the intent when it is said with scorn and derision.

"Famzing" - Coined from the word "familiarise" however used in Nigerian context to mean someone who is trying to claim unnessary familiarity/affiliation with a certain person(s).

"ehn ehn"- a phrase used to show bravado in the face of a challenge that may be thrown your way.

"na" - A native word replacing "now" to convey your exasperation on repeating an information through a request. Most times it is not used in the context it is supposed to, just like in the article.