Wednesday, December 27, 2017

6 Tiny Lessons From Daughter to Mummy...



“Taaju, Taaju, Taaju, Taaaju”. My precocious 2 years old tried her best to croon a name similar to what Hubby calls me and what my parents had bestowed on me many years ago. She omitted the “mummy” either by choice or by chance.

Hubby upon hearing this for the first time, busted into a rambunctious laughter as he enjoyed the sound of my name on the lips of our little girl. At that point, he mentioned it sounded so adorable on her lips and from the laughter in his eyes, he seemed to have loved it. He didn't attempt to use his threatening voice to warn her to stop.

“Foya”. My little girl, barely a few hours later, crooned loudly a name similar to what was bestowed on her father at birth as she smiled innocently yet mischievously towards his direction.

Hubby almost had a heart attack as he hurriedly jumped up from the long sofa he was reclining. He turned and gave his look alike a threatening stare which worked. She never called the name again that day. I didn’t start laughing until Hubby began vituperating while still maintaining his shocked look towards his first seed.

“How dare you? Do you know who I am? Do you know my age? Omo yi o tie nii respect rara ahn ahn. A whole son of a King, the first of its lineage, the unsoiled, yada yada yada”
. He went on and on and concluded it with a warning, “don’t ever call my name again. I am not your mate. Kids of today. Can you imagine! What nonsense! Tej, o ma gbo omo yii sha". All these while, his eyes remained on her smiling face, while he managed to look genuinely affronted. From the way she smiled that day, I was convinced our little girl knew very well what she did and had anticipated her father's reaction. 



It was then I began to laugh. I’d write another day about the antics of men not being able to receive what they easily dish.

After starting off with her parents, my daughter proceeded to call everyone within the household by the name they were being addressed by her parents irrespective of age. Up until this morning, she calls me Teju and mixes mummy intermittently when she's chastised to do so. She, however, knows she must substitute "Teju" for "mummy" when asked to do so.

You see, despite her young age, she was able to figure out that she was the only one in the house who calls me mummy while Hubby, mum and mum-in-law calls me Teju. It doesn’t take calculus to deduce that she decided to follow the crowd. For her dad, she noticed that was what her mummy and grandma calls him and she decided to follow suit. She also applied these tactics to her nannies as she calls them exactly what we call them.

What’s the essence of this long nonsense? 



1) In life, there are people who don't understand balance or that there are lines and some things shouldn't be crossed. They actually genuinely don't. For such people, you have to teach them exactly how they should deal with you and what they should do. For these people, it doesn't matter their age. They can dish out anything to you to test how far they could go. You see such in relationships where a man or woman coming out of a home where respect or love isn't key. When loving such persons, you have to teach them how to love you. You don't assume they know. They are coming from somewhere different and as such their orientation differs from yours. If you aren't ready to accept their method of loving (which is very okay), then teach them what to do. 

2) Sometimes, we forget there are people we directly influence or who can form opinions and thoughts just by watching or listening to us. We also believe we can control how much people or situation can influence us. We convince ourselves and others that we can detach when we want to or that when that time comes, we can make amends or adjust. That's a joke of the century.

I remember when a certain she-male celeb started to trend. Hubby used to be very irritated. Now? He recently showed me a picture of the celeb and his words were “This person is looking so fine in this picture”. Barely 2 seconds later, he went “WTF did I just say?” Lmao!

3) No matter how thick, strong, or detached you may think you are, what you see, watch, hang out with or feed your soul constantly WILL influence you

4) When/If you do not deal with a problem from the granular, it WILL grow. To eradicate a problem, you have got to be consistent and committed to solving it.

5) Choose your friends, lovers, listeners and media tactics wisely. Every person we meet or hang out with leaves a little part of themselves with us unconsciously. 

6) Be circumspect about all your footprints. You never know when it'd work for or against you. Everything you post on the internet cannot be recalled. They would forever serve as evidence. 



If there's a topic you'd like me to touch on, please send me a private message via tejualade@gmail.com or drop in the comment box below. 

You may also follow my pages on Instagram: Tejuwrites and Tejflow for some funny stuff, relationship and career shindig. Nothing serious or too motivational but i'm sure it'd make sense to you small. 

P:S- In another news, pleasssssssssssssssssse, avoid having kids like a staircase. Space them out biko. This is an advice o. It's for your own sanity and mental balance. You have probably seen a cute adorable couple holding their 3 years old child while carrying a 2 years old and you most likely commented "awwwww #family goals", abi? Or you went ahead and dropped it as a prayer point that your kids should come back to back like a hit song?  Another topic for another day sha.

Thank you for reading. I hope to write more.

Friday, March 17, 2017

The Awesome Benefits of Being Broke



Hubby once asked how I always knew when he was short of funds and I told him the same thing I’ve said to broke people who had been broke at some point in time but had tried to hide their broke status.

Broke people give out same “vibe” everywhere. And brokenness has no hiding place. Lool

Hubby used to belong to the school of thought that you only start saving when the money has accumulated into tens and hundreds of thousands and anything below that is meant for “flenjure” and to “jollificate”. No thanks to PMB’s regime and his ever aka-gum prudent spouse, he now understands that’s a very terrible mentality.

There are some good sides to being broke though and usually, when you are broke, you start seeing the good benefits to things or situations you would have never even given a second thought before.


YOU BECOME EXTREMELY HUMBLE & POLITE


This is the most visible sign of a broke person actually. You see in Nigeria, the most surplus attitude a lot of us have is pride. We show our pride everywhere, on Lagos roads, parties, on Instagram, Facebook, when we meet LASTMA, FRSC and VIO officials, everywhere you can think of. The air of pomposity we display daily can’t be quantified and we try as much as possible to intimidate everyone we come across with the “Do you know who I am” attitude. Some try to keep it subtle but pride and arrogance has no idle place. But you see, when you are broke, humility becomes your middle name. You start to notice the lower echelon people on your street, exactly how much PHCN charges you this month and compare it to last month’s bill, scrutinize the bill from Shoprite, argue with your mechanic and vulcanizer heatedly and shamelessly. And for the men, they become humble at home using more of “please” and “thank you” whenever they are offered food or something they know they didn’t contribute a dime to. 

This is usually the first sign women see and know “bobo yii tii broke gan nii”. Even on the road, when you are broke, you become very polite and less aggressive because you don’t want to jam anybody as money no dey. This also extends to parties. When you have wads of cash in your pocket, you go to a party reeking of extreme arrogance such that when it’s time to spray, the way you even saunter to the center stage sef, they will know you have arrived. But when you have just a flat line wallet, you collect your jollof rice and one fish with humility from the ushers and also quietly leave. Lol. This is why I’m wary of humility from people who are yet to hammer. Most times, na wash.


YOU BECOME VERY GENTLE:

This is another giveaway sign. I once visited a friend whose hubby was amazingly quiet that day, extremely nice and very patient with the kids. When he left us to go into the room with the kids in tow, I had to voice out to my friend “mehn, your boo is so quiet and peaceful” to which she responded very fast, “ma da lohun, ko sowo lowo e nii. If not, koba ti ri irin gbere gbere e lo”. (Let your Yoruba friend or neighbor translate that for you. lol) This even applies to me as well. When Hubby usually stayed back home on a Friday night, I initially expressed concern and worry and hoped he wasn’t coming down with a fever. But as time passed, I knew being home on a Friday meant he was short of cash. A man’s ego most especially is tied to his wallet. So when a man is short of cash, the gentility in character becomes laughable. When we are broke, humans generally take life easy and are very polite to the next person.



YOU BECOME AWARE OF WHAT’S HEALTHY & WHAT’S NOT: 

It’s safe to say the sweetest things in life are not usually the healthiest. The more processed a meal, the more unhealthy it is perceived to be; pizza, burger, frizzy drinks, indomie, Sugar, Popcorn, expensive jewelry etc. Lol. When you are broke, you become very prudent and begin to convince yourself that the things you cannot afford are actually not good in the first place. Remember the Naija arrogance pointed out in the first point? It applies here. Rather than tell ourselves we simply cannot afford it, we try to convince ourselves that it isn’t good for our blood sugar, our skins and blood pressure anyway. And besides, isn’t it the best time to lose those calories gained during Xmas?



YOU BECOME MORE RECEPTIVE TO BUSINESS IDEAS AND MORE AGGRESSIVE TOWARDS LOOKING FOR MORE STREAMS OF INCOME: 


When you are broke, you become jack of all trades (gbogbo oja lowo). What you sold last week is usually different from what you are now selling. People may even begin to wonder if you are not trying to engage in yahoo yahoo as such is your hunger to do everything. All na jamajama. And the more broke you are, the higher the likelihood that you will churn out new business ideas daily. (Lool, nope don’t look at me Jide. I’m simply a woman of many passions).



YOU BECOME VERY PRICE CONSCIOUS: 


I won’t even lie, I’m also guilty of this. I usually don’t bother so much about the prices of products as I purchase in bulk most times. But whenever I was short of funds and I was charged in bulk, I switch straight to the local side of me, “bawo ni mefa shey ma je N7,500? Elo wa leyokan? Oya eyo meta kuro”. (Ask your Yoruba friend to translate for you. Lol) Even at awkward places, you haggle prices. I once tried to purchase a high end brand pain relief medicine for my toddler at Medplus but when I heard the price, I had to bring down my brand choice to a much more affordable one. All na paracetamol. S**t happens jare.  

You also find yourself noticing N50, N100, N150, and N200 price change in some products and begin to haggle prices of things that ordinarily, you just picked up without any care in the world; agbalumo, tatase, watermelon, crayfish, Pampers and hoping the seller removes at least N100 or more. One funny time, Hubby saw a hairstyle he wanted me to adorn on Instagram but by the time I was ready to get the hair done, he was already short of cash but had to still pay for it as per his promise. The hair was so pricey that when he saw the total, he didn’t know when he blurted “jekin mo koto tu irun yen o”. Lmaoo. May God help us all jare.


YOU BECOME MORE EMPATHETIC TOWARDS THE PLIGHT OF PEOPLE WHO PRACTICALLY LIVE LIKE THIS ALL THROUGH THE YEAR:


Being broke makes you literally understand the plight of other people who are lesser than you in terms of financial strength. In Nigeria, our average level of empathy isn’t so enormous. So long as it’s not happening to us or those around us, we rarely bother. So if you had never been broke, there’s no way you would have known what the other side of the fence looked like. But when you now experience brokenness on a medium or large scale, forgerrit, you automatically become more empathetic. Your listening skills also double during this time and you become less judgmental. Sometimes, you channel this boredom to social media. Lool. You may also attend church services more. You automatically become more religious especially if you attributed your brokenness to the woman you saw when you travelled last to the village and who prayed for you longer than usual. It will conveniently fly from your brain that you attended too much Hard Rock cafĂ© or Quilox events in the last few months or the various people you bought Vals gift for, or all the hair wigs you bought and Uber trips you took were responsible. During this time, you will rather faint than acknowledge that you acquired more liabilities than assets hence your brokenness. So the more suspicious you are of your sudden brokenness, the higher your church or mosque activities.




YOU BECOME VERY HELPFUL AT HOME: 



Well, we are all guilty of this sha especially if the person we are living with is now left to help our broke status. Once you are broke, you become very available to help around the home and may even offer to run some errands and even attend the family events you hadn’t attended in years. (Lol yeah guys, we know that when you stay more at home especially when you are not ill, your wallets aren’t smiling)
All in all, while being broke should be a time that calls for some deep retrospect and change in attitude on what was not so good in the buoyant days, most times, the feeling is more temporary than a sore throat because many people simply go back to their spendthrift state once some small change comes back to them. We simply forget everything we picked up while being broke. It’s one of the many reasons some ladies are wary of sticking it out with a struggling man because based on past logistics, the humility that was shown during these days were temporary and their real colors come out once the money starts to flood in. 

Money changes people basically because there is the inherent notion that power should automatically follow whoever has the money.




Friday, January 27, 2017

How the Internet Has Saved My Life






If there’s anyone that can testify to the effect the internet has had on people, it should be me.

Just last week, I went to conduct some series of routine tests and when I came back and Hubby asked what the results were, I told him in a very morbid tone;

“According to the tests, I have heart disease, alongside liver and kidney dysfunction”. 



What I did not tell him however, was that I got that diagnosis from Google. Poor guy! I didn’t know I had scared the bejesus out of him even though he maintained composure as he had hurriedly put an SOS call to a family doctor who came around urgently the next day to see the results and with relief passed across the actual results he interpreted as a certified doctor.

You would think I should have learned my lesson. But lailai! I am unashamedly addicted to Google for any information I do not have at the tip of my finger. And even though all its diagnosis are always terminal diseases without a permanent cure, I will still ask. Just this morning, I woke up with a left pelvic pain and as soon as I got to work, I visited my darling Google to help since I didn’t have the time to visit the hospital. The likely prognosis delivered were enormous- everything that was suggested required lifelong treatment and some even recommended surgery. Despite all these dramatic Google hullabaloo, one thing I have been able to deduce from the internet is this; whatever you are going through or experiencing- either medical, psychological or social related issues, you are not the first or the one millionth person and won’t be the last.

With the internet, you can safely proclaim to yourself “welcome to the club”!


And depending on who is reading and the experiences they may have had, the internet, especially social media and Google, can be said to have done some good as a lot of relevant information can be found online. For me personally, it has self-taught me on a lot of things. I think it’s safe to say I learnt graphic designing via the internet. There are even topics I wanted to write about and the writer's block was stronger than the spirit. What did I do? I visited Google and saw related posts, and took my muse from several. As a popular philosopher once said, there is nothing like a new idea. Every idea you may think you have was as a result of coming across it at some point in your life, however unknowing it was. It's called residual knowledge.

The internet with all its good sides also has several harmful sides as everyone knows it has been used false impressions.

THE SNAP-CHAT/INSTAGRAM FILTERS –




I know, right? I see some images and I’m jealously thinking like “Of course no one’s face can be that spotless, com’on”. Then you see some comments validating with “you are so gorgeous/handsome/perfect”. And I’m almost always tempted to say; "Come on! It is Photoshop. Are you blind? Really, you fell for that?” A lot of friends who had at some point slid into some “gorgeous guy/babe’s DM due to over filtering of images only to meet them one on one and started crying foul about how fake humans are. Will you sharrap! You mean you are so dense you don’t know a filtered image when you see one? How else do you think we hide our pimples and acne spots? Com’n gerrarahia! You saw flamboyance and your lower region dictated to your upper region. Something a lot of people are guilty of. On to the next topic jare.

MISREPRESENTATION OF INFORMATION-

If there’s someone that’s of the opinion that social media should be regularized, it’s yours truly. I have seen people do damages to families, relationships and even white collar workers because of information representation. Information is all about positioning and a lot of bloggers and data assessors know this and negatively use this. 


TOO MUCH INFORMATION-



We are now in a world where wives and husbands or boyfriends and girlfriends now send their relationship problems to popular relationship pages for people to help them beg their partner because of one issue they had or the other. We have even seen celebrity couples have their followers plead with their partners to forgive them and other bla bla bla. I mean WTF???? You think they care? This recession has made lots of people idle, angry and extremely bored. And gossip, especially a juicy one, is the sweetest way to form busy. People do not care about people they do not know or have any shared value with. It’s not their empathy to share, their problem to deal with and definitely not something they would lose sleep over. And people will only advise based on their own experience and not what best applies. Relationship problems are best channeled through certified coaches//counselors or people positioned to be very wise, level headed and can keep their mouth shut!

B**TARD TROLLS: 




With the advent of social media, people have now moved away from asking only their pastors, parents, Iya Bose that owns a shop in front of their house and their mummy’s elder sister for advice. The internet is the new place to ask for “help”. And with the growth of online help seekers, the online trolls are also out in full battalion. Whenever I read some insulting comments, I used to secretly wish I were a baddass hacker so I could track those trolls down and share all their dirty secrets to the public. James Blunt, Tonto Dikeh (I miss her comebacks to internet trolls), Ricardo are the few celebrities that I know that do not suffer trolls gladly. Their comebacks are usually epic. 

I cannot fathom why someone would need advice on depression and the comments would encourage him to kill himself. Isn't that just insane? The funny thing is that a lot of these trolls are quiet/shy or depressed people themselves. No happy human being can be an internet troll. You regurgitate exactly what is inside you. Sharing bitter comments shows the bitterness living within some people. But I guess with social media, we have to accept and expect the loss of privacy.

Let’s go back to Google jere.

Google is definitely a woman! “She” can so exaggerate things and blow it out of proportion. Choi! But despite this, this wonderful “woman” has brought information right to our door steps. While 40% of what I know today was via formal education and parental training, 65% came from Google. There is practically nothing on God’s green earth that cannot be found on the internet. Absolutely nothing!








The things we search for in Nigeria sha. Smh

I’m not really in support of seeking general relationship/marriage help on a free for all social media platform as I believe people can get answers to how to deal with various problems privately and directly from Google. Google will even protect your privacy. There is absolutely nothing new under the sun and if for any reason at all anyone has any problem or issue, one can always Google it. There are thousands of sites and links that would shed insight on how to handle a problem.

One of the main problems of depression is the fact that the victim is always too ashamed to talk about the problem. Suicide attempts are a desperate plea for help and rather than resort to ending it, one can take advantage of the internet to search Google and see how people in similar shoes handled it. 


People also need to understand that we all attempt to put our best foot forward especially on the internet. When someone goes to great length to let you know they are happy and thriving, most times than not, they aren’t really. I have met some people in real life who are actually less impressive than what they projected themselves to be on social media. And a lot of social media users are easily fooled by appearances. The social media has a lot of advantages asides from posting pictures of an almost perfect life though. There are so many educative pages on Facebook and Instagram that can give you more insights about life especially with regards to your outlook.

Some of the key things I can assertively say about the internet is that:


Seriously though, aliens don't exist jo. 


The Internet Can Purge You Of Your Ignorance: I can’t even begin to mention all I have discovered on the internet; how to identify fake items, what tea-bagging is, how to stalk someone anonymously on LinkedIn, how to know if your partner is hiding something from you, how to block people on Whatsapp, and how much Shell and Mobile pays its staff.

It Increases Your Knowledge & Makes You Less Judgmental Of People: The more you read, the more tolerant you become of people irrespective of tribe, religion or race. Some while back, I wrote a controversial post that trended for a while and sparked outrage across some single ladies and "feminists" and someone wanted to know why I was ignoring those comments and focusing on those that agreed with me. And my response was “it is very important to ensure you are reasoning with people “willing” to see reasons or are mature enough to communicate their disagreement without resorting to insults”. Insults during disagreement is the lowest form of intelligence and I NEVER resort to it. Because I read eclectically, I find it easy hearing other views and tolerating it. If I do not agree, I can clearly express that with logical reasons why I don’t or I just totally ignore. A high reading or researching culture equals to a high learning ability and superior intelligence.

It Makes You Unlearn Some Stereotypes That Were In Your Life: The problem with bigots is that they are very selective about what they read. Anything that will make them learn contrary information about their staunch beliefs, they shun. The best form of education and enlightenment is the willingness to learn, unlearn and relearn.

In another news, I just discovered that Hubby has no clue whatsoever about browser history and what it stands for, or where it can be found on his system.
I wonder if I could close early enough. I need to do some laundry….