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| Really, you think! |
For some time now, I have been trying to get a fellow blogger to reach out to a renowned marriage counselor to assist in saving her marriage. Because according to her, her marriage is not only about to hit the rocks but it is highly likely she will be throwing her hubby against that proverbial rock.
Like I mentioned to her, while I appreciated the fact that she reached out to me hoping I could come up with some funny but wise hard facts about marriage that will help her, I was able to let her understand that I am NOT even remotely qualified to offer any professional advice or counselling on Marriage, Divorce or Separation. Most times, I simply use my own still short marital experiences to touch on surface issues surrounding marriage at the early stage and how it has worked for me but my neck is still rather short in this long term institution called marriage.
I am a fairly newly married woman myself and still trying to balance my very inherent feminist nature with being a submissive African wife my Hubby has been dreaming about- someone to serve him breakfast like 6:00am and hot pounded yam at any time he gets home after 9:00pm. And according to him, my marital performance KPI is still very unimpressive in that area but well, like I remind him daily, at least, I’m not too proud to cook for you or clean up after you so biko, drop it. (Yeah, like I said the feminist part is still a struggle). But if you ask me, I believe this fellow blogger reached out to me because she needed someone more equipped to dish out the right kind of counselling and an expert listener to talk to, vent her anger and basically share her fears and pains. It didn't matter that she had been married much longer than I am. She probably just wanted a near stranger that seems wise and capable of giving good advice and who wouldn't judge nor conclude that it was her fault her marriage was on its way to the famous rocks.
One of the major problems among several others that pervades Nigeria is the non-existence of marriage counselling centers devoid of religious sentiments. Many couples don’t have any reputable place or person to turn to when faced with issues that threaten their marriages. Which is why a married woman suffering from domestic abuse reports to the police and they tell her to go home and settle it as it’s a domestic issue. Or when she runs to her pastor/imam that her husband is sleeping with the maid and maltreating her in the process, they advise her to go back home and love her husband the more and that the lord God almighty will perform wonders and turn his mind back to her. Most times, by the time he comes back to his senses, enough damage would have been permanently done.
No doubt, some turn to their relatives too but so often than not, they complicate situations as many African parents would rather die first than have their child come back home a divorcee or a separated spouse. This is why domestic abuse and violence has lasted this long in Africa and yet to be curbed because frankly speaking, once you are married, it is no longer about your happiness but how long you managed to stay a “Mrs” and to Africans, “better to die married than to die separated or God forbid, divorced”. That is why there are several domestic abuse cases, murdered wives, women whose spouses have poured boiling oil or acid on them and the erring spouses are still roaming around freely. In Nigeria, it just seems incongruous and basically unheard of to jail a man for assaulting the wife he paid her bride price.
You will then start hearing things like this after any form of assault, whether physical or verbal, “iwo naa wa ma shey suru nii”, wan nii suru nan ii”, “oko lolori aya”, “bi awon okunrin shey man shey niyen” “adura na lama fi gbogbo e sii”. The wife is usually expected to pray for things to get better and endure till it does. It doesn't matter what- it could be domestic violence, verbal abuse, serial cheating. It could be anything. The woman just HAS to endure- sayeth the religious leader and her parents who have converted her old room to a store for Daddy’s old books and equipment.
Now, let me clearly state that I have no problems with prayers. In fact, since I got married, I have upped my praying skills thanks to my mum-in-law who updates my Christian life with several prayer points and novena (I have a whole lot in my purse and bag, a whole lot!). But just like no level of fasting or prayer can help you pass an exam you didn’t even prepare for, no amount of mountain climbing prayers will help you salvage a marriage that you or your partner do not work to save. Yes, you heard right. It takes each partner to make a marriage work. If one party is no longer interested, no amount of prayer will turn their mind around unless THEY decide to change and acknowledge that marriage is supposed to be a mutually beneficial and happy union.
Many women are enduring their marriages hoping that one day, they will wake up to a brand new husband with a changed heart and behavior. This is why you see lots of celebrities with wandering husbands coming out in public to declare “I can never leave my husband no matter what he does. All you haters, go and die”. In as much as I admire their courage to endure despite the embarrassment and shame that trails them based on an adulterous spouse, I can’t help but wonder aloud, wasn't your marriage vows kinda null and void the minute adultery took place since that was part of the vows you took before the Lord? I mean, would HE take you back if he were the recipient of so much online shame due to your infidelity? I’m sure such woman will probably end it with “It’s a man’s world, after all our fore fathers did it. Abegi free me. You think I will let one babe come and enjoy all I have worked for?”. Because at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. The more wealthy the erring/cheating spouse, the more enduring the woman is. Women married to wealthy men endure infidelity so as not to "lose" all the perks that come with it even though they may be weeping in private. Same applies to men though. If the woman is the sole breadwinner of the home and disrespects the man in every way, he tends to endure just so she can continue feeding the family.
But that’s another pondering topic for another day.
I am no advocate for divorce as I heard my pastor very loud and clear when he mentioned for better for worse at the aisle, but I don’t think enduring helps anyone except making the woman a shadow of her former self with a Hubby that just doesn’t care anymore, what with the long legged Cynthia at his office and the voluptuous Vanessa he met at the banking hall recently. Also, why would a man want to stay in a marriage when the lights are fading and the woman has not done anything to turn back the lights on? I mean, do most couples understand that marriage is like breathing? You have got to want to stay married as bad as you want to breathe. If you are going to stay married, you have to be willing to give up distractions and be willing to seek opinions from people qualified to give it. And the first step to resuscitating a dying marriage is to admit you are both dwindling fast and need the professional assistance from an expert. And most times, both parties may want to work out their issues and are willing to make it work, but they don’t know where to turn as their pastors/imam will just read a part of the Bible/Quran that encourages long suffering and how some woman in the Bible/Quran got rewarded for being enduring. And will round off the emergency counseling by giving them more verses to read in the Bible/Quran while their relatives will only hammer on the P&E- Pray & Endure methods that worked for our ancestors and we are no exception, and without any concrete advice or resolution methods per say, but will usually end the solicited counseling the same way it had been ending for 75 generations of women before us- ‘Iwo lo ma shey suru o”.
This is where a relationship/marriage counselor comes in.
No doubt, marriage counseling has been around for a while and most religious houses such as mosques and churches now enforce marriage counseling classes for couples before they tie the knot. However, all the counselling classes are only available before the marriage and they are no longer really open to married couples after the marriage. It’s only when the situation is very dire and life threatening do these married couples run back to their churches/mosques for help. And by the time they are going back to their religious leaders to complain, a lot of damage would have taken place.
Truth is however, sometimes, it is good to have a stranger specially one that is trained to manage marital issues save a marriage. At times, all a marriage needs is a neutral listener and counselor to give succinct advice that is devoid of any religious quotes or prayer sessions. At times, it helps a couple to vent, rage, cry, throw accusations in a neutral setting devoid of non-judgmental advice nor an advice that will be overflowing with over-religious sanctimony.
There are a lot of divorce cases pending in Nigeria courts today- some with very flimsy and ridiculous excuses that may have been averted if there was some form of post-wedding marriage counselling platform or center. (I use the term “may” loosely because there are lots of marriage counselors in the western world, in fact so much that they can even be said to be more than the married couples and their divorce rates are still quite high so suffice to say that it is not fool-proof). But I believe that a neutral counseling platform is something that's next to nil in this part of the world and which would be useful in helping couples work out their issues rather than calling family meetings and have the wife chastised for not being patient, prayerful and enduring since the man is still a growing child and needs to be allowed to err and grow at his own pace.
However, recognizing the need for an effective counseling platform for people to share their problems anonymously and seek advice from qualified experts worldwide who have been brought together under one e-Umbrella, a group of young socialpreneurs in Nigeria have decided to use technology for social good by providing a free e-Counseling platform, Seek "a" Counsel which is set to launch in a few days. They have also been able to gather some of the most successful and renown counselors in different counseling fields worldwide to cater to every type of counseling- domestic abuse, depression, low self-esteem, divorce, bereavement, marriage, relationship, youth development, personality development, career guidance, life coaching etc.
To keep up to date regarding this novel and laudable initiative, you can sign up on their website here to know as soon as they launch and you can also follow them on Facebook here.
Until then, know this for a fact- A good marriage starts from a good upbringing. We owe our children good upbringing as statistics have shown that most people exhibit the training they had while growing up in their marriages. If we do not train our kids (especially the boys) to be accountable and face the consequences of their actions, they will believe anything goes.
So, start shaping those habits and traits you want your child to exhibit in his future self from today and don't be a parent to a bad spouse.
No doubt, some turn to their relatives too but so often than not, they complicate situations as many African parents would rather die first than have their child come back home a divorcee or a separated spouse. This is why domestic abuse and violence has lasted this long in Africa and yet to be curbed because frankly speaking, once you are married, it is no longer about your happiness but how long you managed to stay a “Mrs” and to Africans, “better to die married than to die separated or God forbid, divorced”. That is why there are several domestic abuse cases, murdered wives, women whose spouses have poured boiling oil or acid on them and the erring spouses are still roaming around freely. In Nigeria, it just seems incongruous and basically unheard of to jail a man for assaulting the wife he paid her bride price.
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| Africans will never understand why a marriage will never work after all these gifts. You bera let it work. |
You will then start hearing things like this after any form of assault, whether physical or verbal, “iwo naa wa ma shey suru nii”, wan nii suru nan ii”, “oko lolori aya”, “bi awon okunrin shey man shey niyen” “adura na lama fi gbogbo e sii”. The wife is usually expected to pray for things to get better and endure till it does. It doesn't matter what- it could be domestic violence, verbal abuse, serial cheating. It could be anything. The woman just HAS to endure- sayeth the religious leader and her parents who have converted her old room to a store for Daddy’s old books and equipment.
Now, let me clearly state that I have no problems with prayers. In fact, since I got married, I have upped my praying skills thanks to my mum-in-law who updates my Christian life with several prayer points and novena (I have a whole lot in my purse and bag, a whole lot!). But just like no level of fasting or prayer can help you pass an exam you didn’t even prepare for, no amount of mountain climbing prayers will help you salvage a marriage that you or your partner do not work to save. Yes, you heard right. It takes each partner to make a marriage work. If one party is no longer interested, no amount of prayer will turn their mind around unless THEY decide to change and acknowledge that marriage is supposed to be a mutually beneficial and happy union.
Many women are enduring their marriages hoping that one day, they will wake up to a brand new husband with a changed heart and behavior. This is why you see lots of celebrities with wandering husbands coming out in public to declare “I can never leave my husband no matter what he does. All you haters, go and die”. In as much as I admire their courage to endure despite the embarrassment and shame that trails them based on an adulterous spouse, I can’t help but wonder aloud, wasn't your marriage vows kinda null and void the minute adultery took place since that was part of the vows you took before the Lord? I mean, would HE take you back if he were the recipient of so much online shame due to your infidelity? I’m sure such woman will probably end it with “It’s a man’s world, after all our fore fathers did it. Abegi free me. You think I will let one babe come and enjoy all I have worked for?”. Because at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. The more wealthy the erring/cheating spouse, the more enduring the woman is. Women married to wealthy men endure infidelity so as not to "lose" all the perks that come with it even though they may be weeping in private. Same applies to men though. If the woman is the sole breadwinner of the home and disrespects the man in every way, he tends to endure just so she can continue feeding the family.
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| The richer the erring spouse, the more enduring the victim spouse becomes. |
But that’s another pondering topic for another day.
I am no advocate for divorce as I heard my pastor very loud and clear when he mentioned for better for worse at the aisle, but I don’t think enduring helps anyone except making the woman a shadow of her former self with a Hubby that just doesn’t care anymore, what with the long legged Cynthia at his office and the voluptuous Vanessa he met at the banking hall recently. Also, why would a man want to stay in a marriage when the lights are fading and the woman has not done anything to turn back the lights on? I mean, do most couples understand that marriage is like breathing? You have got to want to stay married as bad as you want to breathe. If you are going to stay married, you have to be willing to give up distractions and be willing to seek opinions from people qualified to give it. And the first step to resuscitating a dying marriage is to admit you are both dwindling fast and need the professional assistance from an expert. And most times, both parties may want to work out their issues and are willing to make it work, but they don’t know where to turn as their pastors/imam will just read a part of the Bible/Quran that encourages long suffering and how some woman in the Bible/Quran got rewarded for being enduring. And will round off the emergency counseling by giving them more verses to read in the Bible/Quran while their relatives will only hammer on the P&E- Pray & Endure methods that worked for our ancestors and we are no exception, and without any concrete advice or resolution methods per say, but will usually end the solicited counseling the same way it had been ending for 75 generations of women before us- ‘Iwo lo ma shey suru o”.
This is where a relationship/marriage counselor comes in.
No doubt, marriage counseling has been around for a while and most religious houses such as mosques and churches now enforce marriage counseling classes for couples before they tie the knot. However, all the counselling classes are only available before the marriage and they are no longer really open to married couples after the marriage. It’s only when the situation is very dire and life threatening do these married couples run back to their churches/mosques for help. And by the time they are going back to their religious leaders to complain, a lot of damage would have taken place.
Truth is however, sometimes, it is good to have a stranger specially one that is trained to manage marital issues save a marriage. At times, all a marriage needs is a neutral listener and counselor to give succinct advice that is devoid of any religious quotes or prayer sessions. At times, it helps a couple to vent, rage, cry, throw accusations in a neutral setting devoid of non-judgmental advice nor an advice that will be overflowing with over-religious sanctimony.
There are a lot of divorce cases pending in Nigeria courts today- some with very flimsy and ridiculous excuses that may have been averted if there was some form of post-wedding marriage counselling platform or center. (I use the term “may” loosely because there are lots of marriage counselors in the western world, in fact so much that they can even be said to be more than the married couples and their divorce rates are still quite high so suffice to say that it is not fool-proof). But I believe that a neutral counseling platform is something that's next to nil in this part of the world and which would be useful in helping couples work out their issues rather than calling family meetings and have the wife chastised for not being patient, prayerful and enduring since the man is still a growing child and needs to be allowed to err and grow at his own pace.
However, recognizing the need for an effective counseling platform for people to share their problems anonymously and seek advice from qualified experts worldwide who have been brought together under one e-Umbrella, a group of young socialpreneurs in Nigeria have decided to use technology for social good by providing a free e-Counseling platform, Seek "a" Counsel which is set to launch in a few days. They have also been able to gather some of the most successful and renown counselors in different counseling fields worldwide to cater to every type of counseling- domestic abuse, depression, low self-esteem, divorce, bereavement, marriage, relationship, youth development, personality development, career guidance, life coaching etc.
To keep up to date regarding this novel and laudable initiative, you can sign up on their website here to know as soon as they launch and you can also follow them on Facebook here.
Until then, know this for a fact- A good marriage starts from a good upbringing. We owe our children good upbringing as statistics have shown that most people exhibit the training they had while growing up in their marriages. If we do not train our kids (especially the boys) to be accountable and face the consequences of their actions, they will believe anything goes.
So, start shaping those habits and traits you want your child to exhibit in his future self from today and don't be a parent to a bad spouse.
This is a burning issue on my mind.
ReplyDeleteI really love the way you put it down as it touches every aspect from family upbringing to the finally institution marriage.
No doubt, one of the issues to be addressed in our country is religious sentimenuta being applied to every issue that comes up. It is not helping us but killing us.
I am glad to be part of this initiative and I would give my best to it.
Coming from a professional's view, I believe we need realistic and "no blame throwing" kind of counselling centres not church-based,but reality-based.
I agree to praying but prayer without works is a waste of time. As the work aspect is the area being ignored here.
As no man is an Island on his own, we can help one another achieve our ultimate goal which is to have successful but not perfect marriages. As perfection is not promised. But success can be achieved.
God help us.
Thanks for the comment and vote of confidence Eniola.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, parents and guardians are responsible for how their wards turn out. A cheating spouse probably grew up admiring his father because he cheated on his mum but somehow the mum endured. So you hear such men say things like "even women older than you have gone through this and endured". This is used as a chain on the poor woman's neck who is compelled to endure since her mum and mum in law did. And trust me, I have had women that have been married for years let me know cheating has come to stay in Africa and we young women will do well to accept it. Suffice to say we already know how their sons will turn out. What amazes me is the way these same people cry hypocritical foul when their daughters' spouses cry to them that their daughters are committing adultery. Then they ask, "ibo loti ri". They forget their daughters too grew up in the same home their sons did. Hopefully, when post-wedding counselling is fully accepted in Nigeria, many men and women will understand that marriage is about real commitment and dedication.
A good marriage starts from a good upbringing. - I disagree. I had this argument with someone a while ago, who said, dnt marry until u look into d family n ow they treat each other. And as I said b4 I disagree. I have a friend, an orphan, she n her siblings av good marriages n it's more than family ties and upbringing. Plus in a society like Nigeria where our parents r always ryt n mummy always has a favourite child, do we conclude n say cos one child didn't follow mummy everywhere her marriage wld b bad? Plus in my general observation, it is clear that many pple dnt know who they r b4 they go into the journey of marriage. They say yes to everything just cos they want a ring n never have lives or even general hobbies outside relationship/marriage
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment and contribution Ruth.
DeleteHowever I respect and understand your stand regarding having a mind of your own outside your upbringing, know this for a fact- you can never give what you do not have or have never felt.
Your orphan friend that you mentioned must have been raised by either someone or an institution. Upbringing does not necessarily mean your parents, it could mean the environment and location you spent your formative years or the kind of learning you were exposed to while learning most of what you know today. However, the impact of our nuclear environment in our lives totally contribute to 90% of what we assimilate as growing children and what we end up exhibiting as adults.
That young man that beats his wife learnt that from is nuclear upbringing and where he spent the most formative years of his life. It could be the uncle and aunties and cousins he spent most of his life or it could be from staying with a guardian throughout his school days who beats his wife. That woman who sleeps around and proudly exalts her side chic roles is a result of her nuclear upbringing which could be the friends she spends most of her life with and not her parents who are not around to guide her on what's right and what's not. And understand that many of our youth today do not read nor learn more about what's right and what's not. They get to pick that from the people and situations around them.
So in all these long epistle I have written, our upbringing(whether internal, external, nuclear or extended) shapes us and what we turn out to become. And like I said earlier, you CANNOT give or feel what have never had nor experienced. We give out only what has come in inside of us. And what we have inside of-- whether beliefs, character or opinions is determined by how we were raised, who raised us and where we were raised.
A happy marriage life depended much upon the couple. As they could understand each other by thoughts and reactions As they could do it. Then it is sure that they can enjoy a happy life.
ReplyDeleteMarriage Counselling