Don’t get me wrong. I am not a certified relationship counselor nor a veteran where the opposite sex is concerned but I read a whole lot and follow several leaders who are quite savvy both in the boardroom and in their personal lives. And coupled with the fact that I keep older friends, I have been able to build my eclectic repertoire of relationship and dating knowledge. I believe there should be no rules where a relationship is concerned and what worked for Kasali may never work for Ruka. However, there are just some downright bad decisions and reasons why some relationship will never work from the word GO. And I am quite familiar with a lot of them.
One thing that is however clear to me and those that have been opportune to seek my advice or opinion on relationship and dating is this- I give realistic and plausible advice where dating and relationship coaching is concerned.
Which was why when a friend of mine reached out to me this week to say, ‘Teju, i like a guy and i know he likes me but he just doesn't want to hurt me by being committed. So yeah, i know he doesn't want to hurt me by being committed.” it took all the strength in me not to puke in disgust. I mean, I have heard so many crap in my lifetime but I think that topped it and I didn't hesitate to tell her that “That is the worst kind of bullshit I have heard in a long while”. What I told her and my advice to her is exactly what I have written below:
“Men are conquerors and hunters. If you are not the one a man is pursuing with intensity, dedication and deep passion, then he is either pursuing someone else or will pursue someone else even if he is with you. That bull s**t statement simply means he doesn't like you that much to commit. When a man says he is not ready for a committed relationship, he means WITH YOU. Please don't ever doubt that. If he is not chasing YOU, be rest assured he is chasing someone else. Men chase after whatever they want even if you are wearing 27 wedding rings and he is 17 years old still in diapers. It is an inherent trait. Men hunt and go after whatever it is they want no matter their level in life and even if she has a huge signpost written in bold ink on her forehead “not available”. There is that woman every man comes across that makes him certain he is ready even if it is obvious he is not. So if he tells you he is not ready for a committed relationship but still keeps in touch with you letting you know he is attracted and all, he is using style to tell you he wants something from you but not a serious relationship. He wants YOU to be the one to initiate a friends with benefit or as they put it, friends with understanding situation. If he is not ready, he shouldn't keep in touch with you because it’s hard for a man to be friends with someone they want so bad and nearly impossible.
Don't fall into that line as it’s an old age tactic. How do you think men have several of their female friends they are shagging simultaneously? He'd probably call you or tell you over and over he wants you so badly but doesn't want to hurt you. And because you like him so much and probably pining for his kisses, you'd want to see him but he'd keep reminding you he likes you deeply but scared he'd hurt you and out of love or deep longing knowing he wants you badly, you may initiate a kiss or want to go visit him at home and voila, side chick is birthed. Two things will be involved with this guy- He is either already in a committed relationship and wants you for a side chic or he is just a single guy who doesn't want to ever be forced to say to any girl that "I'm in a relationship". That way, if he ends up sleeping with you and several others which he will and you find out about one another, he will remind you and the rest of the football team that he told you guys he wasn't ready for a relationship”.
The long and short of my beautiful jargons?
1) If a man tells you he likes you and is attracted to you but does not come outright to ask to be your exclusive boyfriend, he is prepping you up for the role of a side chick. Every man wants exclusivity and wants to leave an indelible mark on his preferred woman, which means making her his for all to know and see.
2) If a man tells you he is so scared of hurting you so much that he cannot commit to you, the only thing that will knock that statement off the crap list of 2014 is if you pull off your panties because "it's just so sweet to hear him say that", then YOU will top the crap list for 2014.
3) No man is ever ready for a relationship until he meets the right woman. (I mean, when I met my Hubby, he told me he had no intention of settling down in the next 4 years. We made it to the altar in less than a year and a half. Of course he wasn't ready! But I was.) If he meets you and still says he is afraid of commitment, then you are not THE ONE.
4) Men don't fall in love with side chicks. A man knows whether he wants you for keeps or for sleep from the word GO. If you started out as a side chick, it is highly unlikely you would ever get promoted to the main chick(except that special place is paved in gold) unless he runs out of good options or you miraculously got pregnant or the right woman leaves. But all that may end when he meets another "the one". No man wants to marry "a side chick material".
So ladies, I may not be able to claim to be a relationship expert like Tony Gaskins, neither will I probably compare to Chaz B(God rest his soul) nor may I be able to deliver punch line statements on relationships like Wendy Williams. But one thing I am extremely certain of is this- When a man wants you for keeps, as in wants you bad, no force on this earth can stop him least of all the worst and lamest form of excuse- Commitment.
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