Nigeria: Prayerfully Religious

I once had this friend who attended MFM back then in school (not sure if she is still a member and I am certain every religious person either by practice or association knows what this means) and whenever she is called to lead in prayers, I was usually tempted to unsheathe my non-existing sword, or any other swinging gadget close to me, to ward off any form of evil, demons or flying humans that may be tempted to come my way, as you get that impression whenever an MFM member is about to pray. At times, the violent mode of prayer makes you wonder whether they are not the ones that are actually trying to wake the devil that may be in limbo or asleep for many years. While in the spirit, you can practically hear the demonic spirit wearing boxing gloves to fight back. You will understand this if you have ever experienced a prayer session with one of their members. 

At some point, after witnessing these sessions from her, I became paranoid and suspicious of anyone that wore a black skirt on a black top, whoever swept the entrance at night was kept at arm’s length, whoever cleans his/her seat with white handkerchief before sitting I bind and cast and keep them at bay, those that eyeballed me, I presented their names to my prayer warrior friend and I  became suspicious of all crawling insects; be it cockroaches, lizards, even ants, as I was quite certain they were humans that turned to insects just to have access to my room. I even started believing that all owls, bats, cats were out to drain my blood and infest my blood vessels. As at the point of that paranoia moment, please note that I had not achieved any remarkable success or even any admirable personal effect to make me a focus or consideration for any jazz domain but she convinced me it was me that they wanted, every time I am “opportune” to be around her. She even made this worse when I confided in her that I fell one day while on my way to work at around 6:00am and was about to board a bus(like I said earlier, I had no personal effect, like a car back then.). As soon as I related this incident, she requested we pray and she began;

"Daddy (daddy bawo?), we are here again, every demon, every scavenger, all vampires, every evil being directed to stop this young girl (Iyen emi na) from reaching her goal, fire burn them, die, die, die, die, die, burn in hell, we match you, we disgrace you, we sweep you out".

As she was saying this, she was matching the floor with both legs in a rather violent way that I had to look down to be certain that somehow the devil had not manifested itself and she is now stepping on him. (Yup, the devil has to be a man) My eyes were opened throughout this time as I was fascinated by the whole activity, yet looking in fear for any suspicious spirit appearing to envelope me from the back or simply slide into my very body and my eyes would change to black once it entered. (Yeah, I had seen most episodes of Supernatural as at then) thus stopping me from reaching wherever my goal was. She then probably discovered she could not hear my voice and said "Teju, open your mouth and cast every demon, every evil that is within you" (within me, wait a minute, how did we get here?) At that point, I was much more interested in keeping watch of any demon that will appear from nowhere. My paranoia that day was at its stretch. After praying for almost 45mins, or was it an hour? (I was almost in tears as I was hungry and my knees were aching.)she requested we pray for Nigeria, "Baba loke, a wa woju re loni, ko si inu aiye awon olorilede wa, wa bawa ko emi oju kokoro, covetuosness, , iwa aida, kamapayan, demonish cultism(Yes, she was switching between English and Yoruba) wa bawon soro baba. Daddy,(another thought came to mind when she used the word “daddy”, u know!)  forgive them for all they do for they do not know they are sinning against you (Like seriously, I thought as I opened my eyes in indignation. They didn’t know? They didn’t know that the commandment said “thou shall not steal, thou shall not lie, thou shall not commit adultery and thou shall not call the name of your Lord in vain? They didn’t know?)

At that point however, I was more fascinated by the juxtaposition of the native and foreign language and how swift and deft she seemed to be switching language roles during their usage. I then concluded the alien spirit in me must still be present as I seem to be well aware of the composition of prayers rather than the intent of the prayers. Might I add here that, that was the last time I happen to be in the same room with her! If I had allowed further sessions, she may conclude I was actually the “alien evil”. You know how people see witches and wizards anyhow just because you are not in sync with their religious motif. Nobody will come and slap me because I stated “I am a witch for Christ”.

Her situation was mild compared to a certain CAC member I was once "opportune" to be with. I do not understand why people think it is necessary for them to pray for you when you as much as sneeze in their presence or complain of slight headache. The phrase "Eje ki a gbadura" has been so bastardized that I heard even robbers and assassins now pray before going on any operation. We now believe God actually listens to our prayers just because we pray. 

The most hilarious is the cases whereby there are more than 18 churches or almost 10 mosques on a street. Kilode????? Are our sins that much? And don’t you just love the hypocritical solemnity that people adorn on Sundays or the sudden need to observe Jumah on Fridays? You see so many updates on the quest for redemption and quotes like "Only God will make a way", "Spirit filled church session, I have never felt closer to God", "Lord I come into your presence", “Ya Allah, Ya Samiu, Ya Wadudu”, “Allahu Akbar”, “Warafanahu Monkana Aliya”. All these are coming from the same set of people that saw a broken down car along the road with a lady alone at night and simply drove away "minding their business” and may even be on their way to church/mosque, or probably someone who stole at his work place or lied on a colleague to gain promotion and favor or better still, someone in a public position that embezzles on a daily basis. Once the weekly evil deeds have been committed, they adorn their best ensemble on Sundays or Fridays and proceed to church/mosque, pay tithe/zakat from the stolen funds, the stolen money from the office, sing in a rather loud voice despite not helping the lone woman on third mainland and somehow, expect that if he/she falls down dead, there and then in church, heaven is sure.

E no dey work like that! 

Attending church/mosque on Friday/Sunday is not a guaranteed way to make heaven. Opening several churches in different locations in Nigeria will not pave your way into paradise. Doling out stolen money to the orphanage will not bribe St Peter at the gates of Heaven. Quoting bible passages as DP or lifting phrases from Joel Osteen song no go make God pity you. At all at all! Jesus will not defend you on judgment day if you rob Peter to pay Paul. Lying on a colleague may get you promoted in this life but will not wash away your sins for paradise. Going to church/mosque and wearing your best dress on Sundays while sitting close to the pastor is certainly not a yardstick for heaven confirmation. All these only make you the non-perpetrator of the first commandment, “Thou shall not call the name of your Lord in vain”

Oh, you didn’t know that is calling the name of the Lord in vain? You thought it is only when you call the name in excess? No o! The word “vain” simply means “producing no result; useless, futile, null”. So invariably, this means that you should already know in your heart of hearts that heaven is not your final destination as you have not even kept any of the Hadith/commandments but still believe that there will somehow be a kind of an existing promo- “commit sin but make heaven” on that day of judgment and somehow you will qualify and make heaven.

Hian! You wish!

If you steal, lie, covet, or commit adultery and it yields returns and people ask you and you say “It is God o”, you are calling the name of the Lord in vain. When you steal from your employer or bad mouth colleagues in order to gain growth within the company and you get promoted as a result and people ask you and you say rather joyously, “we thank God o”, you have used his name in vain so hell awaits you. If on the other hand you have committed various atrocities over the week and on the day of your worship, with no serious intention to repent or show remorse but rather to fulfill the call of Sabbath/Jumaat righteousness, you start your prayer with “In Jesus name/Bismillahi Rahmoni Rahim”, my brother/sister, you have called the name of the Lord in vain so you are a very sure and verified candidate for hell.

In case you are still not sure where you belong, I will make it clear: paying tithes without giving your own parents funds to cater for themselves no matter how wealthy they may be or showing them respect and honor, going to Mecca on Hijrah despite the fact that you have not helped anyone with the amount of millions you have in your bank and personal properties, giving money to the poor while stealing or committing many scandalous atrocities, will not guarantee you a seat on the right hand of God or Al-Janat. Coming to social sites to drop hypocritical Christian/Islamic quotes or joining a unit in church will also not clear your issue in the presence of the Almighty God or automatically erase your name from the book of sorrow.

No be like that my dear!

Nigeria is quoted to be the most religious country but ridden in poverty, disillusioned growth, non-existent infrastructures, corrupt leaders who donate lavishly to churches/mosques and expect to be recognized and not just listed as an anonymous donor, supposed men of God engaging in sexual scandals, paedophiles being granted bails, murder cases being settled out of courts because victims family members are not influential.

And despite all these underdeveloped system of living, churches/mosques are thriving on situation by affiliating higher donations to higher consideration for heaven. And the porousness of religion in Nigeria is still growing at such an alarmingly swift rate that one wonders if purpose of growth is not as a result of financial gain. If this is not the case, one wonders why theft rate, kidnapping rates, murders that could come in form of robbery, lynching, poisoning and the famous jazz is still on the increase.

If the churches/mosques are so many and growing per day, who then are the people in prison? Who are the kidnappers? Who are the corrupt leaders? Who are the paedophiles  Who are the hired assassins?

Most importantly, what church/mosque are they attending and why are they not filled with the spirit of God till now?

May God save us all from all evils. (Another lame retort to every calamity)

N:B: Please note I am not going to translate anything today o. So if any phrase/quote in the above article seems unfamiliar, Nigerians are scattered everywhere in the world especially Yorubas so extend friendship and warmth to the next Nigerian and ask them to interprete. That way, you make new friends. And every one goes home happy. (yawns) I don tire abeg....