The Stress of being a Mistress

(I have finally been allowed to resume work, after frustrating hubby with my boredom that is. He practically woke me by 4:00am so I can prepare for work. He just could not take any chance of me not going to work and taking out the frustrations on him like I did yesterday. Hehehe! Anyway, the story below was one that I had shared on Facebook like 3 years ago, 2009 precisely, but I am certain many have not been opportune to read it, hence the reposting. And the subject happens to dwell on an issue that affects almost all women (well, excepting me sha. Hubby has not even finished buying me a house in Dubai, he will now be thinking of mistress, ha, he will hear it! Alright, fact is I am just too lazy to think of something to write about, so please indulge me with this repost and hopefully, happy reading)


I don’t know why wives bellyache about their husbands taking off with their mistresses. If they know how much work those girls do to keep other people’s properties, the wives would keep quiet. Yes, it’s tough being a wife but by Jove it’s tougher being a mistress. Keeping what’s not yours requires a lot of gut and staying power.

It’s also not a business for cowards. It’s not a venture for those who don’t want to sweat. It is tension soaked, energy- sapping, emotional and spiritual – intensive business. And the big players know the stakes. That’s why when they reap the fruits of their labour, we all can’t help but gape. So when next you open a soft – sell magazine and see some beautiful 35-year-old opening up about her life and business in the oil sector, don’t think she got there by generally doing what you do. There’s a lot of hard work involved in being a successful enviable mistress of the right guy. Emphasis on the right guy! You think you go to church? Mistresses go to churches. They move from one miracle – distributing church to the other. They sleep on mountains for days. They fast more and longer than wives. For them, being a mistress is a major investment that must be guarded jealously, watered intensely and watched over with every drop of blood.

Wives have tendencies to relax and take their investments for granted. Not mistresses. The goose that lays the golden eggs must be put in a golden cage. I remember vividly my experience in the waiting room of a female make over parlour in the capital city sometime in 2009. I was waiting for my turn when some of the attendants of the establishment brought out all kinds of ‘gadgets’ to keep a man’s attention. Oh boy, it was one long sex education, the kind you can find only when big girls are teaching one another survival tricks.

There was this ointment (or was it a cream?) that was offered me for N5, 000. It’s job? It’ll keep the man asking for more. Just rub it down below and the man will go to heaven and return as many times as he wants. It was a small jar. The big jar was N10, 000. While I was trying to make up my mind if I wanted to try the cream or even if I had the energy to send someone to heaven more than once, the girls brought out this gigantic bottle. You need your two hands to carry it and the liquid content cost N25, 000.

The bottle, according to the girls, had been buried in the ground for one whole year, yes 12 months. For efficacy. It’s strictly for feminine use. It smells great and it is supposed to do greater things for your man in your bed. I bet you are dying to know which one I bought. I’m not telling. The lesson is mistresses invest in their paraphernalia of office and I saw a few things that day. Stuffs were bought for good money too. Just think about it.

I’m sure you have heard or read stories of undergraduates and 25-year-olds ending up in the kind of wealth you and I only dream of. I’m sure you have also wondered where those girls got their ‘heads’ from and why yours is not fetching you money or even love. But what are you doing about it? You think you can just wish for a shop in Ikoyi, a duplex in Victoria Island and summer holiday in Barbados and they all fall in your pretty laps? Not on your dreaming life. You work for it, girl. That’s why those smart ones outside can hold their sugar daddies. That’s also why some wives are having more fun than the others.

Have you had white fast this year and for how many days?

You are eating like food’s going out of fashion while your husband’s girlfriend is fasting her waist away. She’s losing waist’ and you are gaining it. She’s locked up somewhere in one white-garment church doing cross-road prayers and you are nagging about ‘aso-ebi’? Jazz don catch you, baby. You don’t even know what cross-road prayer is? I’ll bail you out. Cross-road prayer is one where you lock up yourself for a day, two days or for as long as you can to pray without talking to anybody. You just keep praying, talking only to God until He does it.

Adejoke (you don’t think that’s her real name, do you?) just finished her seven-day white fast. Her prayer point? Her politician boyfriend just bought her a Honda Element and she wants to park it in front of a befitting house in Maitama Abuja. She believes if she asks God and does as her prophet decrees, it’d be done. If she gets it, what would you think? It’s crazy, isn’t it?

There are other spiritual exercises like being on a prayer mountain for days so a man can keep doing what you want him to do even when you are not legally married to him. Frightening but true. Some of these smart girls know all the prayer mountains from Ede to Oke Erinmo to Kaduna . And they go there for prayers. Now, I’m not saying that religious leaders aid and abet untoward things; I’m just concerned that wives shouldn’t think it is okay to just assume that husbands are forever. No, they are not. There are too many girls out there who want your man, probably more than you do. They are working harder than you think. I also learnt that there are prayers to bring down the holy books and that takes five to seven ‘men of God’ to do. If you have only daughters for your husband and he has assured you that ‘nothing spoil’, don’t take anything for granted.

In fact, don’t believe him or rest on your oars. His girlfriends are working day and night to get him an heir. I just found out that there’s a hospital in Kuwait where there are specialists who help to fix sex of a baby with appreciable success rate. Yes, Kuwait. These girls will go anywhere to please your man and you are there taking him for granted. Kuwait is where she’d take him for the next summer and she’d get the right male chromosomes out of him to consolidate her hold in your business.

And the rain of twins everywhere? Have you wondered if God just suddenly opened the windows of heaven for twins to be born in Nigeria? No! Fertility drugs are here to the rescue. And while wives are ready to continue to ‘believe God’ for the fruit of the womb, the mistresses are going through the pain of injecting themselves with fertility stuff and monitoring every change in their bodies to produce that fruit of the womb.

So what have we learnt? Life, marriage is a cut-throat business where she who endures wins gold or dies at the finishing line.



Please note that the above article was written from a very neutral point of view and author is not in any way trying to justify cheating. It is simply to let we, married women know that just because we are married does not mean we should rest on our oars. Let’s keep attracting that man we said our wedding vows with, and in the presence of our loved ones. Because you will be amazed at the number of extremely desperate women that we have out there ready to move in if you blink for just a second. Guard & protect your property. Chikena! #nuff said#