The Unbearable Awards 2014

I used to be one of those people that condemned narcissism and all it stood for.

I mean come on! Narcissists do not and cannot live with humans. They deserve to be excommunicated and left to live in the woods. They have no right to…….....and my endless rants used to go on and on so passionately about the need for the government to eradicate these set of people.

I should however let you know that during my anti-narcissism days, I never for one moment knew what the word meant or stood for. The fact that it ended with –ism, made me conclude that it certainly belonged to the class of all the evil –ism theories we have in the world and the evil being done to the people in the society by these -isms.

I was so naively retarded back then. And thinking about it right now, I was just like a wounded illiterate jungle girl.

I only got to wake from my retarded mode few years back when I finally used Google to understand that narcissism is actually not a danger to the human species but rather about people that blow their trumpets by themselves at all times through showing off or effusive praises of themselves and their accomplishment.

But it’s still bad joor as God has emphasized on the need for us to be humble and at all times (Yup, I am coming in from the religious angle as that’s all I have). Such people also seriously deserve to have their own award plaques based on these traits.

I have compiled a list of the top award nominees and the award categories they belong. Seriously, I have! Just see below. They are that annoying!

The Neanderthals “I Want to Stay/Remain with Pocahontas” : We all know at least that one archaic- thinking, time warped person that has refused to upgrade from his/her screen damaged, worn keypads, battery swollen 2001 phone to a smart phone and has doggedly refused to move up the network ladder and migrate to the data bundle/blackberry bundle family. Usually, such people are thrilled to tell you “I am definitely not interested in being a slave to technology so anyone that wants to see me should call me or visit me at home”. Hey, I'm a big subscriber to using whatever you believe may suit you but usually these people are just out to prove a point that they can be different from the pack. And most often than not, people like this have inflated egos and believe everyone requesting them to come towards the internet light is not enjoying their technology heightened lives without them since they get requests like “come on blackberry na”, “why don't you add your office email to your phones na”, “try and download WhatsApp so we can chat better” and other requests from people that just want to be able to communicate effectively and get swifter responses at the same frequency. But do these Ibadan/Aba mentality people listen? No! It takes a while for their royal majesties to get convinced to join the new world and when they gladly finally do, they are quick to post “Based on popular request, I have finally bought a BB/IPhone/Tab, kindly add me.

Once people like that come on-board the addictive internet side, they end up constituting a heavy nuisance and become so annoying that they are either blocked or worse still, someone reports them as Spam to Mark Zuckerberg who then instructs his Engineers that they should be permanently deleted…(Hehehehe)

The “All Animals are Equal but some are Way More Equal than Others” Pretentious Doormats Colleague:  You must know that colleague/friend/enemy that was born to belong in this category. At some point in our innocent leading lives, we have met some colleague (who happens to be on the same level o and even same payroll but acts like a boss to you especially around other bosses) that chats non-stop on an idea they want you to relate to the big boss and which needs to be birthed as they will also claim you are the one that seem to be good at relating strategic ideas to people. They force persuade you to send a mail to the big boss explaining all you both just discussed while having them in copy. With the praise of you being the better strategic message bearer of ideas (oponu), you excitedly compose a very lengthy mail at 10:00am the next morning to the boss detailing your requests, processes, intentions, what is expected and what you hope to achieve. And finally after like 20 strategic sentences that would make Martin Luther King proud, you signed off by asking the colleague in question to concur with this idea since he brought it up and you click “send” to the boss while copying the doro-devil.  After about some nail biting 18 hours, 34 mins and 20 seconds of worrying and pondering on whether your mail didn’t get to deliver to any of them, you decide to do a follow up mail the next morning requesting for a response to the previous mail sent and the doro-evil colleague after 120 mins, responds with “Ok, let’s schedule a meeting to discuss this better. I’m kind of busy now”. With the boss in copy……..

What you seem not to be aware had transpired is that your career is about to either be recycled to a more doro-demanding one. You see, this colleague from hell has just created an impression of how busy he is and how slothful you seem to be to have had the time to send a 10 sentenced detailed mail during work hours. We both know who won’t be getting any raise soon and who would be considered for leadership position in the near future.

Move over Brutus & Gaius, oh ye betrayers of Caesar! This Colleague just made it into the nominees for the betrayal awards.

The Emails “Internet Explorer” Snail/Tortoise Persona Non-Grata:  We all have people that have flagrantly refused to upgrade to the swift Google Chrome mentality. I am talking about those friends/colleagues that respond to funny emails sent to some group clique few days back, where everyone had enjoyed the joke the same day it was sent and moved on to the next best thing and forgotten about the scenario. Completely!

After like what seems a whole century later, and you are facing some serious moments at work which could be during some words-Spartan rage from your boss, you get a mail notification from this person and all you see is “Lmaoo, this is so hilarious. Wherever did you get this? Insanely funny”. 

For a brief second, you will consider whether you just had a concussion as you are very certain nothing funny or remotely close to happiness had happened within your earthly space in the last 24 hours. But then you see the mail trail and you remember the joke you shared days before the cold war with your mail clique. Now, the millipede-tortoise-snail friend/colleague all rolled into one just decided to laugh. I am routing for the Darwin awards for this one though!

The Narcissist “My Life is much better than yours so Worship me while being depressed” Brags: We all know them. At least, we all have more than 10 of such people around us. It could be on any of the social media platforms or they are people you actually know physically, not to mention some can even be relatives. Now these people share like-minds with Sociopaths, however unconscious they seem to be about this. You see, a Sociopath lacks empathy and total disregard for other people’s feelings so that is where the similarity comes to play. These brags usually are the ones that let you get this updates on your news feed “Keisha/Bobby added 150 pictures to his IOS mobile uploads. Anabel is now engaged. Anabel added 256 pictures to the album titled "Happiness Begins. Bryan uploaded 180 images to the album "My new ride”.  Once you click to check out how one person was able to upload 150/300/250/180 photos when it’s not a physical wedding album, you get to see what’s new with the ever gloating, fake life, low esteemed, “everybody must love me” brags and all their escapades, you discover that the first 120 pictures you run through are usually one and the same, well except for the different smiles and hands that are being showed. Every other variant remains constant; the new car, the engagement ring, the dresses, the timber boots, the angle they are being shown, the location, the stance and not forgetting the very glaring need to showcase how well they are doing in their lives and the number of gifts they got on their birthday and the luxurious gadgets they have in their living rooms. 

These people hover around the tethering threshold of nuisance constitution and thrive only with the knowledge that they are seen as successful, no matter how the success came. (urggggggh I can’t even puke). Maybe they will win?

The Eagle-Eyed Competitor & the “I hope you are not doing as well as I am” syndrome: Now, people that fall under this category deserve to be recruited into the investigation department of any security agency. When you meet such people, they are never the ones answering the questions. They are the ones asking the questions. You may get questions like “So what are you doing now?”, “Are you still using the same car I saw last month”? “Are you seeing anyone now?”, “Where are you working now”? “Have you started any certificate courses?” These questions keep them up to date about your life. They NEED to know what progress you have made as you are the yardstick they use to measure how well they are doing. And that measurement had better reveal they are doing way better than you! They usually do not keep in touch though.

Oh no, they don't care if you disappear off the planet of the earth. In fact, they may never have called you before, chatted with you, updated their statuses or given you an inkling of how their lives are going. You may never hear from them in many months to come. But when they arrive back in to your life, they come with a bang.

And when I say bang, I mean it in its literal form. The minute they appear in your life, they “radiate” wealth, happiness, joy, success, euphoria and the only difference between them and a star is that the star is far away so it does not bling as much as they bling whenever you run into them. They are always shining as they cannot afford to look any less when they “run” into you. They need you to know they are doing better.

What you may never know is that the competitor has been keeping a tab on your life; aware of your daily activities; every milestone, every achievement, every new certification courses, who you dated and are dating, every new piece of diamond, lands purchased, loans taken, compensation benefits the company is giving you, your medical insurance, hair extensions you've bought and how expensive, whether the watches you wear are actually pure leather, cities you have visited, your last updates across the social platforms. The “gbeborun” competitor is stalking you for one reason and one reason alone: They need to know how successful you have become so they can be a step higher.

This is why when you obtain an MSC, a competitor obtains an MBA with an Executive Diploma on top sef. When you finally move into that dream 2-bedroom apartment in 1004, the competitor rents a 4 bedroom apartment in Foreshore Towers, somewhere close to your office so they can run into you and rub it in daily.

When you change jobs to work in a consulting firm, the competitor gets a better paying job in Shell. The competitor is in a race with you that you are not aware of and they do this by keeping you in the radar, nothing close to bring overt familiarity though, but enough to know and learn of every move you make. After few months of “silence”, they may chat with you stylishly on a photo you were tagged in with you standing behind a Hyundai 2010 car in a well gated compound. They will then ask jokingly "is that your new car? Whose house is this?" And innocently you will respond by thanking God for the progress you have made so far.

Oh boy, you just challenged the ostrich competitor o and they have accepted the challenge.

You may never hear from them again for the next couple of months. But when next they manage to find a way to "run into you" at a later time, they have acquired the Hyundai 2013 model and now live in Lekki Phase 1 in a 6 bedroom serviced duplex which they will manage to infuse casually into the conversation.

Hey yaa, poor doro-you! And you don't even know you are being watched o, with your Hyundai 2010 model. Sorry o!

I have a list of people that can/will win all awards in each category with no close nominee. How about you? Have you met anyone or do you have any other unbearable awards that need to be shared?

Pray do tell.