365 Days Journey so Far - Lessons from the Ancient Wife.

For people that have come in contact with a naked wiring appliance and gotten electrocuted by chance and still alive to tell the story, you will know that despite several of these appliances having the warning “Handle with care, may cause electrocution”, or even the very glaring one of “Approach with care, naked wire ahead”, nothing will ever, I mean ever prepare you for that moment of sensual connection that leaves you disconcerted, in mind numbness and delirious confusion once your body adjusts to the unsolicited assaultive contact with an electric wire.

It’s easy for people to write or comment dramatically that “Electrocution is painful o”, or “Haa, it can kill o”, or “if you get electrocuted, it can throw you 3km away from where you were” but nothing, absolutely nothing, will prepare you for that “out of body, spiritual” feeling you get and most of all, when the surge between your body and the naked wire comes in contact, oh brother, nothing will notify you of that deep surge than the forest like dance and moves you never knew your body had. Many have likened such experience to “dancing with the gods”. Such is the flexibility but arrhythmic flow your body will assume at such assault.

You get my analogous drift with experience and knowledge, right?

Just like acquiring so many certificates and qualifications without any work experience to justify all educational achievements, knowledge will be a waste without any experience to back it up and give it volume.

Absolutely no amount of knowledge will supersede experience.

Such is same and can be said for marriage.

Forget all those blog posts written by single men and women saying “10 ways to satisfy your man after marriage “ or “How to keep your sexual life active after marriage” or “How to know if your spouse truly loves you” or “Ways to keep your spouse wanting more” or the most famous, “How to know when/if your spouse is cheating on you”

*put a very heavy hiss here*

Whatever you think you may have acquired through online or as diasporic knowledge or even shared thoughts through face to face counselling about marriage, they are just theoretical.

If there is lack of experience in the practical side of marriage, it will be easy to run one’s mouth and give unsolicited advice anyhow. (Trust me, I have been there. Thinking about the number of married friends I gave condescending advice while single, I can’t help but cringe.)

Gosh, I must have sounded condescending with my “ignore him jare let him beg you first” and my usual “don’t ever let your husband sleep with you when you are tired o. it’s your body”. So embarrassing thinking about it right now.

Has anyone even noticed that most of the people that proffer marital advice are usually single people that have not even done ordinary introduction talk less of marriage?

Anyway, that’s not the issue.

I celebrated 365 days with my Hubby some days back and I could not believe it was just that short a period we had spent together.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about being so sappily happy that I could not remember where all the days and months went flying past.

Naaaaah, not that.  It was more like “I survived this year with this guy without going crazy?”

You see, someone once said, when you get married you become philosophical. I need to meet that person and prepare him/her a wonderful dish with lots of praises as the person must have been referring to me.

At times when I issue solid advice to people who are about to tie the knot or just few months into their marriage, they look at me and say out loud, “are you sure you are 25yrs old?” (Not my problem if you don’t believe that age o). I don’t blame them because some advice and philosophical sayings that come from me, especially after marriage  makes me very certain I am a reincarnation of an aged woman that lived up to 200 years centuries ago and had seen it all before  old age caught up with her elusive self.

After 365 days with my Hubby, I can categorically say there is nothing I don’t know or that can catch me by surprise any longer. With him, I have seen so many shades of patience I never for one day knew I even had, sacrifices I have made that will put Abraham’s sheep offering to God to a small level, tolerance that my mother is willing to bet I do not possess, and finally resignation that I have to adopt the “if you want it done, you better do it yourself because this guy you are married to does not look like he will be moving from that bean bag this century”.

Oh by all means, I am extremely happy with my choice of hubby. In fact, you will be right in saying ours is a union meant to be. Such is the level of compatibility and chemistry. We are quite different in our approach to some issues yet very alike in character, share different tastes in almost everything yet manage to cohabitate peacefully (“peacefully” here is relative, more like me just doing it to make peace reign). He makes me laugh a whole lot and considering I am a very humorous person that finds humour in the most mundane of things, you can imagine how much of a blessing to be married to someone that has a wicked and huge sense of humour, not to mention God fearing and extremely sensitive to my moods and emotions. Marriage to him has been worth it.

I definitely chose well.

But at the same time, I look at him sometimes, actually most times,(all the time actually) and I silently ask myself while adorning a dagger look, “abeg who be this guy”?

The past 365 days have actually been an eye opener and has reinforced some lessons I had learnt theoretically before marriage but can now lay claim to have practical knowledge after marriage.

1)      As a wife, you will make more sacrifices than your husband. Don’t fight it. Just start talking to God on how not to push him down the stairs while making those sacrifices.

2)      When it comes to finance, a man wants to be responsible for his family upkeep. It makes a man feel good mentally & does a lot of boost to their ego when he can and has catered for his family.  Which is why when a man is unhappy, just know he is simply broke. A man’s ego is tied to his wallet. So as a wife, never fight it. Save your money for those future days when the kids start running to you to say “Mummy, daddy gave me this ridiculous amount that I should manage as during his time, he got less from his parents”. There and then, you can throw your money weight around so the kids can like you better(I'm actually going to do this as no child of mine will write any essay or any debate with “Fathers are better than mothers”). But for the early days, discard your financial weight arrogance and daily chants about “female emancipation & gender equality” and let him be the provider he was designed to be.

3)      As a wife, you are never going to win an argument with the husband. Unpossible! You see, the average man is a hunter, a dominator and will never agree to stooping to conquer for peace so when a man sees and knows he is about losing the argument, he will play the “you don’t respect me enough in this marriage” card and you will end up apologising for attempting to hurt his fragile ego forgetting he was at fault from the onset. (This is the part you remember my first point as women making more sacrifices)

4)      Never argue with an upset spouse whose ego is somehow threatened. The minute a man becomes angry, a man is no longer rational or hearing the actual words we are actually saying.

      If for instance the words you say are, “I am of the opinion it may not make sense for us to go down that road”. What the man heard was “I am of the opinion it may not make(ing) sense for us to go down that road”, then he goes, “Oh, so I am not making sense, abi?”. He picks that up and starts throwing the old cards “So I don’t make sense when I talk abi”, “I am senseless shey”? At this point, you are no longer fighting about what started the argument but now you will be trying to pacify his fragile deaf ego while he still raves on saying “your tone with me these days is disrespectful and rude”. Then you will have to apologise for your “rude tone” forgetting totally that he was at fault from the beginning. (You will still refer back to my first point of women making the most sacrifice”)

5)      Men never actually grow up. And when it comes to food, every man is a child. He will want it in all the varieties you can come up with. And when a man is hungry, forget existing for any other reason except to fulfil your purpose on earth and at that very moment during his hunger seizure, your only purpose on earth is to feed him. You will discover that when it comes to food, men can be irrational and slightly selfish. 

      This is why some men come home late and still ask “Is there pounded yam? Can I have some, but if it will be any trouble, please don’t bother as I don’t want to stress you. Can I get bread”? Come on! He knows there is no bread in the fridge and because we women are emotionally compassionate, we want to please him and voila, you are in the kitchen making poundo yam and putting the deeply frozen efo riro and turkey stew into the microwave so olori ebi can eat and be satiated. There have even been days Hubby would request for a specific (this means difficult and complicated) meal which I’d prepare and when I'm done making his own meal and my own preferred choice and he sights my food, he will want mine and like a resigned mother of quadruplets that wants everything the mother owns, I’d have to eat his meal while he relishes my own with joy and excitement. And if by chance he finishes his (mine in the first place o) food first, he will come over to eat with me and even struggle with the last morsel and meat while saying “couples that eat together stay happy together”. (Remember my first point about sacrifice? Does it not remind you of a mother sacrificing for her child? Right!)

6)      Men like to negotiate for anything that requires something from them and most times, they will win these negotiations. When a man is assigned a task by his wife, his first thought is “what’s in it for me & how does it directly benefit or inconvenience me? Can I get a special meal or sex if I agree to do this?” Usually when I assign a task to Hubby, it is with resignation I watch the expression on his face change into various forms as he starts with a mutinous look then to a sly look of contemplation and finally adorning a stubborn look but when he sees that my expression is worse, he goes and completes the task, though reluctantly. I have mastered the expressions on his face when he is weighing whether he can frustrate me into completing the task myself or just bargain for it. You have no idea how many times the most mundane of tasks like “Baby can you pick your shorts from the floor and put in your closet space” is returned with “What am I getting in return if I do this?” Most times, I just do it myself as getting him to do a task is like getting one’s child into the bathtub to take a shower. You will end up getting wet yourself. So what I do is to suggest a hall pass. A hall pass is when I request a task from Hubby that is expected of him to do but since I have accepted such won’t be happening in this century, I will decide to negotiate for it. Hall pass is, well, for people that have watched the movie, you will have an idea what this means but not exactly as the movie o. Let’s just say Hubby can have as much as 15 hall passes with me that he can call for at any point in time, no matter where I can be or what I can be doing. (That’s all I’m saying). So whenever I ask him to do a task, he will ask “Are we doing anything?” Once I say “Yes”, Hubby will walk happily to complete the task assigned. If my response is “No”, he simply hisses and mutinously continues whatever he was doing. Once I see his back, I know the only way any task will be completed that day is if I do it myself.

     So like I earlier said, knowledge has nothing where experience stands. 365 days bonding with my better half has seen me making so many sacrifices with dramatic resignation, And unlike many who are still battling with some basic marriage 101 knowledge, I am already aware that every man is a baby, one just needs to know how, where, and when to pet one to get what she wants.

Oh, and yes, marriage is fun and totally worth it by the way…..for women willing and ready to make lots, as in lots, I mean, a whole lot of sacrifice.

As in, a whole lot! You cannot begin to imagine!