So, Are You a Party Crasher?

You heard right. Stay away!

One of the many ways to know you have “arrived” in Nigeria and can be considered as an A-list party thrower is your ability to throw a party for 500guests but able to cater for as much as 5000 guests.

That extra zero was not a mistake I assure you.

In fact, it is no longer considered headline news that anyone willing to have his/her party termed a successful one in Nigeria, will have to double the catering expectations of whatever number of people they think they are actually expecting.

This simply means that if you “think” you are expecting 1000 guests, you better make adequate provision to seat and serve 2000 people.

Actually, 2500 people, as the caterers themselves will take half of whatever they cook for you and probably throw some parts of the cows and goats you took a loan from work to buy over the fence for their own people to catch and take home for them.

This is because one does not simply cater for the number of guests expected. No one in Nigeria attends wedding functions alone even if the invitation card boldly says “This card admits one”

Hian! For where!

Things like that don’t work here. If you ask me, I think it’s a waste of time. The only way you can get a small guest turn-out for any event in Nigeria is not to reveal the venue and occasion until the day of the event itself.

And with many overloaded Bach-eve parties where the venue is usually revealed just an hour before it started, we know this does not work any more.
And that is why you see at some weddings, some mother of the day looks so upset and angry because, while the compère is ushering in some important guests, the mother of the day is busy watching the number of meat and moin-moin that is being kept on each plate of the guest and the number of plates of rice and iyan that is coming in as she counts them all in the silence of her mind, so that when the her younger sister comes on the high table to quietly whisper into her ears that “eran ti tan ma”(the meat is finished) you see the mother of the day’s colour beneath the heavily induced make up shift from red to purple then finally topaz before settling back to the different colours on display on her face.

And while still cursing and muttering on the dishonesty of the caterers and vowing never to use them for any event again, she stylishly uses her leg to shift out one big cooler under the high table filled with meat & croaker fish and give to her sister, with a parting warning, “eran kan kan ni ke fisi ori ounje nsin o” (just put one meat on each food from now o)

At any party in Nigeria, there is always a plan B because a plan A without a plan B in Nigeria is no plan at all.

You should understand this is as a result of the “mogbo moya”, “the ancestral ghosts” in form of unsolicited guests who were not invited but somewhere at the back of their minds have convinced themselves the party will not be complete without them in attendance, or their friends they will also be coming with, and the wives of their friends and her younger sister, with three of her friends.

*sighs* Welcome to Lagos party folks!

The “mogbo moya” attitude is now a prevalent syndrome in Nigeria and it has gotten so bad that telling people you intend to have a party that will be “strictly by invitation” is considered an abomination and an impossible feat and a swift way of making enemies.

Because even when you successfully have a wedding or party that is “strictly by invitation”, be rest assured that you will lose the friendship of so many relatives and friends that didn't get this “special invite” and will be quick to delete you from their bbm, unfriend you from facebook, unfollow you from twitter and generally consider you a once upon-a time friend who betrayed the friendship-hood by committing that unforgivable act.

Not exaggerating but I still have people that are not on speaking terms with me since I dared to get married and did not remember to invite them!

Talk about aggrieved friends.

You should understand that people like the idea of an exclusive “strictly by invitation” event. I mean, it is a nice feeling to be considered worthy enough to be a recipient to one of those quaint but fab-looking wedding invitation cards reading “strictly by invitation” as it tells that the wedding will have all the settings of a luxurious ambience. What they cannot for the love of Abraham fathom is the abominable act of not being considered exclusive enough to get those fab-looking cards themselves.

That my dear, is where the acrimony comes from. No one wants to believe they are not seen as posh or classy enough to be a part of such opulence that restricts other lesser beings.

Suffice to say that the “strictly by invitation” party theme is another swift avenue to make enemies out of relatives and friends.

I remembered when I was planning my wedding and I was telling Hubby I’d like for us to have the regular engagement party on a Friday which would be for “gbogbo ero” and “taja teran” while the wedding proper would be on a Sunday at Protea Hotel, Southern Sun Banquet hall or Sheraton hotel with an extremely strictly by invitation white roses theme concept, and with just 60 guests we will be able to identify by their faces at first glance and a priest coming down to the hotel venue to join us while Tony Bennett croons “The Way You Look Tonight” softly into the melodious background while our close family and friend looks on in adoration.

This clear and vivid image of how I wanted my wedding to turn out was something I should have shared with hubby way before we got serious.

His idea of a wedding ceremony was totally different from mine. Totally!

You should have seen the look he gave me after suggesting a wedding for 60people in a very exclusive setting with just our close friends and family. He simply busted into laughter and told me to get it out of my fantasy mind sharply as his immediate family members alone would conveniently make up that number and not forgetting the fact that he is an “anfani adugbo” (he knows practically everybody that is somebody).

Let me briefly explain why I knew the idea won’t sail even before telling Hubby.

The guy I am married to knows everybody worth knowing and has attended everyone’s party at some point in time, both as an invitee and as a “mogbo moya”. I have seen him in action where a friend will just call him up and say “how far, wetin you dey do this evening”? (This call may just come in at 12 noon and we may be lying in each other’s arms savouring a quiet weekend together) Hubby will respond with “nothing, I just dey house with wifey” and this will excite the friend who will then respond, “shey you go show for area, one guy dey do birthday and I hear say alchy and meat go plenty”(when it comes to satisfying a Nigerian guy at a Nigerian party, just get lots of alcohol and meat & they will willingly sell their souls to the celebrant; whoever he/she may be), and hubby will respond with “Ehn, I go show, I sabi the person?” and his friend will respond “At all, even me sef no sabi am but na open space so no worry, Jide(not real name) go dey there so we dey alright”. And my hubby will then turn towards me after ending the call and say “babes, I have a party this evening, so I may be a little late”.

And I will look at him in horror and basically want to scream though end up speaking softly “you don’t have a party to attend, you this annoying specie, you are about to gatecrash a party”. You don’t even know the celebrant!!!”. And Hubby will look at me with a perplexed look as if convincing himself I am not as retarded as the question I just asked, “didn’t you just hear the conversation? That is the closest to an invitation anyone can get”. And right in front of me, he will get up and prepare for a party he just got to hear about a minute back without knowing the celebrant.

I gave up fighting the lost battle of him getting a personal and exclusive invite after I discovered it was a generic act among men.

Men do not wait to be invited to any event. All they need is just one person to mention that he knows the celebrant and off they go to a party, any party.

Me? Hian! If I do not get a direct notification or invite from the celebrant directly, no amount of cash/chocolates/seafood will make me attend such event, not even in the company of my mum who may have been invited.

Anyway, that was how my posh and exclusive dream of just 60 guests in a garden-like kinda wedding like in the movie “The Best Man” was blown into a full carnival.

I can even still remember the look on my face on the high table as I saw people sauntering through with some throwing perks and effusive waves my way. In my mind, I was just like “ooook, do I know u?” “Now where did you come from?” “I’m sorry but have we met?”, “Who are these people baby?”.

We Nigerians, as far as I'm concerned are the most ego-centric species on the surface of the earth but when it comes to crashing a party, or any occasion for that matter, we throw egos and shame into the wind.

Because I really cannot fathom why an invitation card that has the words “STRICTLY BY INVITATION” written boldly on it does not stop people from coming with their whole generation and even get strangely spurred by that “strictly by invitation” and come along with their friends, friend’s friend, their friend’s lover, her own two friends and her friend’s boyfriend’s younger sister.

It is just so rude and another kind of evil that needs its own special name trying to shorten the ration of some meal meant for people like us that actually got the invite.

I am sure if the celebrant wanted everyone to invite their dynasty, both the ones at home and in diaspora, he or she would have written it boldly on the IV saying “COME ONE, COME ALL”.

And this is why I love the Europeans.

If they have table reservations for 60, you can be rest assured that the number may be less but it would never be more as whoever is not invited already knows he has no business coming.

And for your info, it’s usually very easy to know the “mogbo moyas” (the gate crashers) as they are always seated very close to where the food is being served, they have roving eyes, and they order all the food on the menu and drink all the available wines and juice as if they are partaking in the last meal.

Well, that is how it’s done in Nigeria which is why many people now consider a party incomplete without Aso-ebis so as to be able to tell the chaff from the real deal. It does not mean though that everyone wearing the Aso-ebi was actually  invited.

I have seen someone purchase an Aso-ebi for an occasion she found out about online via the wedding site of the couple.

Welcome to Nigeria folks, where anyone and practically everyone is invited either by gate crashing or by inviting themselves through a friend who does not like to attend events alone.

As you may have suspected, the term “strictly by invitation” will only work in your dreams or if you spend the equivalent amount spent on food on security who will ward off people that do not look like they belong.

As for me, if I am not invited, I have no business being there.

This does not work for my Hubby sha o. 

#okbye