Over-Flogged Arguments.

1. Behind the Wheels

Honestly, arguments over who had the right of way; whose fault the accident was; who should have budged for the other, simply aren’t worth it. They never end. The average Nigerian driver thinks he’s smarter than everyone else; thinks of driving as a contest and the road as a racetrack; perceives other road users as enemies; and feels consideration for fellow road users is a form of weakness. Forget what the Highway Code says. You only give way to traffic on your left if you’re slow (mind you, “slow” as used here is closer in meaning to “stupid” than it is to “unhurried”). There are few things more frustrating than trying to manoeuvre into or out of a difficult parking position and having to endure the unsolicited direction and guidance of not just backseat drivers but also roadside onlookers (many of whom may have never laid a hand on a steering wheel in their entire lives). Cut your hand; yi wo sotun; yi wo e daada; cut your hand well; oya, dawo pada. Should the manoeuvre prove too difficult, the “you better go get driver”, “mek una go learn how dem dey drive o”, “you sure say you sabi drive so?” and the pitiful shakes of the head are never long in coming. It takes a lot of self-restraint not to retort “come drive me now, idiot”. But it’s better not to say anything. It’ll do little to assuage your bruised ego. The only way you earn respect as a driver in Nigeria is by driving dangerously and getting away with it.

2. The War of the Sexes

Trying to convince a group of young (or old) women that men aren’t cheats and a group of young (or old) men that we (young) women aren’t cheap is like looking for Osama in Iraq: you’re just wasting your time. The female perception of men as cruel, good-for-nothing, philandering creatures is almost universal and fairly rock-solid. Nothing seems capable of changing this perception; not even the fact that many of us have responsible, hardworking, Godfearing fathers, husbands and brothers. To such women, these fathers, husbands and brothers are at best the painful-to-find exception to the general male population. But there precisely lies the point: there are some good men out there; probably more than the women prefer to imagine. At the end of the day, the perceptions the genders have about themselves are merely stereotypes; often deriving from the individual bad experiences some are unfortunate to have suffered. But stereotypes are some of the hardest things to change, which is why as certain as I am that there are (many) men who strive not to cheat on their partners, and (many) women with virtue and dignity as impregnable as a fortress, I would smile indulgently rather than argue when in a gathering of young, single women, whose individual stories and scars I know nothing of, they turn on me bristling and snarl: “All guys are all just cheats!” Yes, they are. And I never forget to add: but we women are quite cheap, you know.

3. Religion & the Question of Morals

So is there anything wrong in drinking alcohol? Is it a sin to do it before marriage, even when I'm pretty much certain he’s the one? Mm-hmm, these are arguments you don’t want to get into.
I mean, what could possibly be wrong in having a bottle of red wine with my husband on your wedding anniversary? Did I hear you say nothing? Great! So what’s the difference between that and downing a few bottles of chilled Star Lager beer with his mates on a Friday evening? This is an argument I regularly had with female and male S.U acquaintances back in university. Not once did I get any of them to concede to my point that it was drunkeness and not drinking itself that was the sin. Not even my usual joker that Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding in Canaan convinced them; their defence: the “wine” was unfermented grape juice. They refused to budge even in the face of glaring historical evidence that the Greek word “oinos” (that was translated into the English “wine”) is indeed alcoholic wine. I learnt a profound lesson: religious convictions are hardly alterable.

One thing I’ve never been able to comprehend is God’s rationale for fashioning a biological process that makes us sexually mature in our early teens when there’s (supposedly) a restriction on us exercising this sexuality until we get married; subjecting us (if we are to live by the rules) to several years of (needless) craving. I once tried to argue this point and was promptly and effectively shut up. Truth is it’s merely cultural that people tend not to get married until they’ve reached a certain statutory age, gotten a degree, acquired financial independence etc. So its man who screwed up God’s plan, not that God’s plan was flawed.

So for the things you can’t quite grasp, rather than arguing yourself hoarse, why don’t you decide, as I have done, to make that one of the questions you’ll ask Him during any of the countless chats you’ll hopefully have with Him in the eternity?

4. Soccer

Probably the greatest sport on earth; a game that inspires near-fanatical passion and loyalty world over. Trust Naija to overdo things, football followership here is even more intriguing. The average Nigerian guy:

(i) thinks he’s been following football since the beginning of time – Do you know when I started watching ball? And when the other chap, forgetting that some kinds of questions are intended to be rhetorical, dares challenge with a “When?”, majority reel off impractical dates, conveniently forgetting that prior to the explosion in football viewing centres across Nigerian cities, European football was something they only used to read in the newspaper sport pages;

(ii) understands formation, tactics and strategy better than UEFA pro-licensed coaches. That’s the only reason you’ll hear some frustrated bozo who had never heard of Arsenal until Kanu joined the club, call Wenger an idiot in a fit of rage, or why a barely literate dimwit who has absolutely no clue who Ranieri is would brazenly assert that Chelsea FC plays the best football in the world;

(iii) thinks the other average Nigerian guy (especially one that supports a rival club) knows nothing about football – Abeg, you no sabi ball - or - when you start to dey watch ball sef. The contempt in which the average Nigerian football lover holds his fellowman is only rivalled by the disdain he has for the rival (often more sucessful) club itself.

(iv) would never concede to a superior argument or contrary view. That’s why he would tenaciously cling to the most idiotic of arguments (e.g Cristiano Ronaldo is not a good footballer) and argue until he is hoarse. And when it becomes as plain as the nose on his face that he’s talking balderdash, the way out without losing out is a dismissive “You no sabi ball jo” and walking away.

The summary? The Rules of the Game are quite simple: never argue about football. As that lucky Arsenal fan in Lagos would happily remind you, it could earn you a knife in your eye.

5. Whether to Stay or Relocate

To stay or to go is a question virtually every young middle to upperclass Nigerian has to answer at some point in his or her life. There are many who would never be able to comprehend why some of us choose to remain in this wasted land of darkness, decayed infrastructure and lawlessness. And there are those of us who would never stop wondering whether there’s any happiness to be got in the sterile blandness of life overseas. Why would you trade the unpredictability, verve and spontaineity of Naija for the dreary monotony and sameness of the western world, we ask. Cos I want my kids to have first-class education is the instant answer; and my family to have access to quality healthcare, and I want to be able to sleep with both eyes closed…

At the end of the day, as someone I know once pointed out, it all depends on what we each individually place the most premium on. The call is each person’s to make. So rather than engage the male n female friends who thinks I am insane for not wanting to go live with a rich uncle in The States while pursuing my Masters over there despite having some rich relatives, all I did was chuckle.

So was this note actually worth the five or so minutes you spent reading it? Hey, now that’s an argument you surely don’t want to get into.