How to make most of Life in Naija

Ignore that report about Nigerians being the happiest people on earth. The only reason those researchers came up with that result was that when asked whether they were happy, the Nigerian respondents in the study gleefully answered in the affirmative out of the need to confess positively. In reality, living in Nigeria is often not a happy experience due to the woes of power failure, rutted roads, unemployment and insecurity we have to grapple with on a daily basis. However, being the Nigerians that we are, we get more worldly-wise as the years go by and eventually evolve a way of finding happiness amidst the pervading gloom. I have acquired some tips on how to enjoy life in Nigeria and thought to share. Those abroad and still skeptical about returning home may find them particularly useful. Here goes:

1. Set aside a fixed percentage of your income for running your generators. Having more than one generator is as wise as God giving man more than one kidney. (No harm in having a spare just in case one packs up.) And whenever you get upset about having to devote your hard earned resources to generating power (which honestly is the bloody responsibility of the government!), you can get some comfort in thinking of that money as the tax you pay to the state.

2. Get a Jeep. It not only elevates you instantly into the Big Man club, the suspensions those 4 Wheel Drives possess are auto-mobile makers’ answer to the potholes and craters Nigerian roads are riddled with. So although you may make pretensions to false modesty, you must go the Jeep way if you cherish your spine.

3. Patronize Nollywood. I understand your concerns about the poor scripting, the shallow plots, the pedestrian acting, the clueless directing, incompetent editing, and utter lack of imagination and effort. But, believe me, you wouldn’t want to compound your headache and fatigue upon returning home from work by trying to figure out who or what Neo is fighting against in The Matrix or if Kyle in Kyle XY is really an Alien or what Sara Collins is running from in Vanished. There is nothing more relaxing – after a stressful day loaded with the horrors of Lagos traffic, flooding, and LASTMA officials – than spreading out on the sofa to watch (don’t forget the generator o!) Jenifa or Omo Iya Alakara or Love of my Life. Why bother with the suspense, intrigue, complicated plots and sophisticated dialogue of western cinema when you can enjoy a simple and delightful story of lover boy Ramsey Nouah falling in love with delectable Genevieve?

4. Private or nothing. The only things that work in Nigeria are private establishments. It is only if you are terminally ill and do not believe in miracles that you go to public hospitals. Recent research shows that your children are twice as likely to graduate during your lifetime if you send them to private universities and ASUU strike induced stress is fast becoming one of the leading causes of mortality in Nigeria. (Of course, the research was done by scientists at a private university; do their counterparts at the public ones do any?) Even if you can’t afford to send your children to the private varsities, at least make sure they attend private daycares, private nursery and primary schools and private secondary schools. Don’t be left behind in the private revolution. Everything’s going private: libraries (recall Uncle Sege’s), gardens (they abound in Abuja), telephones (I challenge you to name where I can find a functional payphone in Nigeria!), name it! Any guesses why PHCN is being privatized or why private refineries are also on the agenda? Embrace the private sector or perish. It’s as simple as that.

5. Develop a larger than life ego. Nigeria is the showman’s heaven. Where else in the world do cars with tinted windows connote class? Where else could Bluetooth earpieces, Blackberries, sunshades, or contact lenses have acquired the character of status symbols? If you’re the notice me kind of person, Nigeria is made for you. It's the only place in the world where you can bluff your way to the top. They say women are attracted to men that are tall, athletic, good looking, intelligent, confident, enterprising, resourceful, bla bla bla. In Nigeria, even without any of these qualities, as long as you’ve got the swagger, you’re a ladies man any day. If grags or ayaj aren’t Nigerian things, can you please give me their equivalent in standard British English?

6. Embrace religion. Nothing is more important in Nigeria than having someone up there; someone to look after you. There’s a lot of comfort to be got from knowing you’ve got a Heavenly Father who protects you (from witches, ritual murderers, armed robbers and kidnappers), bestows favour on you (by not allowing you to board that ill-fated bus that had faulty brakes and crashed into the lagoon) and blesses you (with enough money to fuel your generator, send your kids to private schools and still have some extra for DSTV, aso ebi, and weekend shopping at The Palms). In a place like Lagos, returning home safe each day is a miracle, and if you don’t believe in God, then who are you going to thank for such mercies?

7. Know the people that matter. Whoever invented the term “networking” must have had Nigeria in mind. In Nigeria, a simple phone call to the right person can result in a lot of things ranging from getting admission into your first choice university and course; having a tanker of diesel delivered to your home at a time when the storage tanks of half the fuel stations in the country are dried up; getting the PHCN officials to repair the blown-out fuse in your neighbourhood with dispatch; getting your impounded vehicle released by the LASTMA bullies without paying a dime, or even having a contract awarded to the company you registered yesterday. Knowing the right people is the way things work over here and there’s nothing wrong about it. After all, even salvation – the most important thing – comes by 'knowing' a Man called Jesus.

8. Finally, learn how to not take anything for granted. Expecting things to work is an expressway to frustration and unhappiness. If you want to be happy in Nigeria, don’t expect anything. That way, you’ll be overjoyed when the light bulbs in your house come on and stay on for the rest of the night (when it typically doesn’t last longer than an hour); you’ll be relieved the Okada that was going the wrong way only caused a minor dent (imagine what could have happened to the pregnant woman passenger if you hadn’t slammed on your brakes!); you’ll be grateful it was only a little water the careless driver splashed on your skirt (you’ll have been soaked to the skin if you had been a few yards closer!); you’ll even be happy that even though it was a lackluster performance, Man-U didn’t get beaten by the Chelsea cowards. Learn to appreciate and cherish the simple things of life. Simple!