The Unbearable Awards 2014

I used to be one of those people that condemned narcissism and all it stood for.

I mean come on! Narcissists do not and cannot live with humans. They deserve to be excommunicated and left to live in the woods. They have no right to…….....and my endless rants used to go on and on so passionately about the need for the government to eradicate these set of people.

I should however let you know that during my anti-narcissism days, I never for one moment knew what the word meant or stood for. The fact that it ended with –ism, made me conclude that it certainly belonged to the class of all the evil –ism theories we have in the world and the evil being done to the people in the society by these -isms.

I was so naively retarded back then. And thinking about it right now, I was just like a wounded illiterate jungle girl.

I only got to wake from my retarded mode few years back when I finally used Google to understand that narcissism is actually not a danger to the human species but rather about people that blow their trumpets by themselves at all times through showing off or effusive praises of themselves and their accomplishment.

But it’s still bad joor as God has emphasized on the need for us to be humble and at all times (Yup, I am coming in from the religious angle as that’s all I have). Such people also seriously deserve to have their own award plaques based on these traits.

I have compiled a list of the top award nominees and the award categories they belong. Seriously, I have! Just see below. They are that annoying!

The Neanderthals “I Want to Stay/Remain with Pocahontas” : We all know at least that one archaic- thinking, time warped person that has refused to upgrade from his/her screen damaged, worn keypads, battery swollen 2001 phone to a smart phone and has doggedly refused to move up the network ladder and migrate to the data bundle/blackberry bundle family. Usually, such people are thrilled to tell you “I am definitely not interested in being a slave to technology so anyone that wants to see me should call me or visit me at home”. Hey, I'm a big subscriber to using whatever you believe may suit you but usually these people are just out to prove a point that they can be different from the pack. And most often than not, people like this have inflated egos and believe everyone requesting them to come towards the internet light is not enjoying their technology heightened lives without them since they get requests like “come on blackberry na”, “why don't you add your office email to your phones na”, “try and download WhatsApp so we can chat better” and other requests from people that just want to be able to communicate effectively and get swifter responses at the same frequency. But do these Ibadan/Aba mentality people listen? No! It takes a while for their royal majesties to get convinced to join the new world and when they gladly finally do, they are quick to post “Based on popular request, I have finally bought a BB/IPhone/Tab, kindly add me.

Once people like that come on-board the addictive internet side, they end up constituting a heavy nuisance and become so annoying that they are either blocked or worse still, someone reports them as Spam to Mark Zuckerberg who then instructs his Engineers that they should be permanently deleted…(Hehehehe)

The “All Animals are Equal but some are Way More Equal than Others” Pretentious Doormats Colleague:  You must know that colleague/friend/enemy that was born to belong in this category. At some point in our innocent leading lives, we have met some colleague (who happens to be on the same level o and even same payroll but acts like a boss to you especially around other bosses) that chats non-stop on an idea they want you to relate to the big boss and which needs to be birthed as they will also claim you are the one that seem to be good at relating strategic ideas to people. They force persuade you to send a mail to the big boss explaining all you both just discussed while having them in copy. With the praise of you being the better strategic message bearer of ideas (oponu), you excitedly compose a very lengthy mail at 10:00am the next morning to the boss detailing your requests, processes, intentions, what is expected and what you hope to achieve. And finally after like 20 strategic sentences that would make Martin Luther King proud, you signed off by asking the colleague in question to concur with this idea since he brought it up and you click “send” to the boss while copying the doro-devil.  After about some nail biting 18 hours, 34 mins and 20 seconds of worrying and pondering on whether your mail didn’t get to deliver to any of them, you decide to do a follow up mail the next morning requesting for a response to the previous mail sent and the doro-evil colleague after 120 mins, responds with “Ok, let’s schedule a meeting to discuss this better. I’m kind of busy now”. With the boss in copy……..

What you seem not to be aware had transpired is that your career is about to either be recycled to a more doro-demanding one. You see, this colleague from hell has just created an impression of how busy he is and how slothful you seem to be to have had the time to send a 10 sentenced detailed mail during work hours. We both know who won’t be getting any raise soon and who would be considered for leadership position in the near future.

Move over Brutus & Gaius, oh ye betrayers of Caesar! This Colleague just made it into the nominees for the betrayal awards.

The Emails “Internet Explorer” Snail/Tortoise Persona Non-Grata:  We all have people that have flagrantly refused to upgrade to the swift Google Chrome mentality. I am talking about those friends/colleagues that respond to funny emails sent to some group clique few days back, where everyone had enjoyed the joke the same day it was sent and moved on to the next best thing and forgotten about the scenario. Completely!

After like what seems a whole century later, and you are facing some serious moments at work which could be during some words-Spartan rage from your boss, you get a mail notification from this person and all you see is “Lmaoo, this is so hilarious. Wherever did you get this? Insanely funny”. 

For a brief second, you will consider whether you just had a concussion as you are very certain nothing funny or remotely close to happiness had happened within your earthly space in the last 24 hours. But then you see the mail trail and you remember the joke you shared days before the cold war with your mail clique. Now, the millipede-tortoise-snail friend/colleague all rolled into one just decided to laugh. I am routing for the Darwin awards for this one though!

The Narcissist “My Life is much better than yours so Worship me while being depressed” Brags: We all know them. At least, we all have more than 10 of such people around us. It could be on any of the social media platforms or they are people you actually know physically, not to mention some can even be relatives. Now these people share like-minds with Sociopaths, however unconscious they seem to be about this. You see, a Sociopath lacks empathy and total disregard for other people’s feelings so that is where the similarity comes to play. These brags usually are the ones that let you get this updates on your news feed “Keisha/Bobby added 150 pictures to his IOS mobile uploads. Anabel is now engaged. Anabel added 256 pictures to the album titled "Happiness Begins. Bryan uploaded 180 images to the album "My new ride”.  Once you click to check out how one person was able to upload 150/300/250/180 photos when it’s not a physical wedding album, you get to see what’s new with the ever gloating, fake life, low esteemed, “everybody must love me” brags and all their escapades, you discover that the first 120 pictures you run through are usually one and the same, well except for the different smiles and hands that are being showed. Every other variant remains constant; the new car, the engagement ring, the dresses, the timber boots, the angle they are being shown, the location, the stance and not forgetting the very glaring need to showcase how well they are doing in their lives and the number of gifts they got on their birthday and the luxurious gadgets they have in their living rooms. 

These people hover around the tethering threshold of nuisance constitution and thrive only with the knowledge that they are seen as successful, no matter how the success came. (urggggggh I can’t even puke). Maybe they will win?

The Eagle-Eyed Competitor & the “I hope you are not doing as well as I am” syndrome: Now, people that fall under this category deserve to be recruited into the investigation department of any security agency. When you meet such people, they are never the ones answering the questions. They are the ones asking the questions. You may get questions like “So what are you doing now?”, “Are you still using the same car I saw last month”? “Are you seeing anyone now?”, “Where are you working now”? “Have you started any certificate courses?” These questions keep them up to date about your life. They NEED to know what progress you have made as you are the yardstick they use to measure how well they are doing. And that measurement had better reveal they are doing way better than you! They usually do not keep in touch though.

Oh no, they don't care if you disappear off the planet of the earth. In fact, they may never have called you before, chatted with you, updated their statuses or given you an inkling of how their lives are going. You may never hear from them in many months to come. But when they arrive back in to your life, they come with a bang.

And when I say bang, I mean it in its literal form. The minute they appear in your life, they “radiate” wealth, happiness, joy, success, euphoria and the only difference between them and a star is that the star is far away so it does not bling as much as they bling whenever you run into them. They are always shining as they cannot afford to look any less when they “run” into you. They need you to know they are doing better.

What you may never know is that the competitor has been keeping a tab on your life; aware of your daily activities; every milestone, every achievement, every new certification courses, who you dated and are dating, every new piece of diamond, lands purchased, loans taken, compensation benefits the company is giving you, your medical insurance, hair extensions you've bought and how expensive, whether the watches you wear are actually pure leather, cities you have visited, your last updates across the social platforms. The “gbeborun” competitor is stalking you for one reason and one reason alone: They need to know how successful you have become so they can be a step higher.

This is why when you obtain an MSC, a competitor obtains an MBA with an Executive Diploma on top sef. When you finally move into that dream 2-bedroom apartment in 1004, the competitor rents a 4 bedroom apartment in Foreshore Towers, somewhere close to your office so they can run into you and rub it in daily.

When you change jobs to work in a consulting firm, the competitor gets a better paying job in Shell. The competitor is in a race with you that you are not aware of and they do this by keeping you in the radar, nothing close to bring overt familiarity though, but enough to know and learn of every move you make. After few months of “silence”, they may chat with you stylishly on a photo you were tagged in with you standing behind a Hyundai 2010 car in a well gated compound. They will then ask jokingly "is that your new car? Whose house is this?" And innocently you will respond by thanking God for the progress you have made so far.

Oh boy, you just challenged the ostrich competitor o and they have accepted the challenge.

You may never hear from them again for the next couple of months. But when next they manage to find a way to "run into you" at a later time, they have acquired the Hyundai 2013 model and now live in Lekki Phase 1 in a 6 bedroom serviced duplex which they will manage to infuse casually into the conversation.

Hey yaa, poor doro-you! And you don't even know you are being watched o, with your Hyundai 2010 model. Sorry o!

I have a list of people that can/will win all awards in each category with no close nominee. How about you? Have you met anyone or do you have any other unbearable awards that need to be shared?

Pray do tell.

Bandwagon Syndrome-The Zombies Must Go!

For the benefit of this aggressive lengthy post, it will be worthy to mention that I am a curious non-conformist and as you read further, you will begin to understand why it was necessary I warn alert you about this trait.

I regularly find myself checking out some myopic and shallow comments on different social media platforms when someone “dares” to ask a question(s) that threatens the very belief/existence/norm of some other person(s). The responses to such questions can actually cause some damage to anyone that is neither strong to deal with non-constructive criticisms nor well enlightened enough to know how to respond with further questions that will grate on many nerves especially the delirious religious and political bigots.

Growing up with a sister that usually ask over 1000 questions within an hour despite my expression warning her to leave me alone, reinforced my decision to work on my tolerance side when asked both sensible and senseless difficult questions since I am an advocate of curiosity. There was a day she actually asked me up to 10 questions within a minute and I am not exaggerating when I mention that I was near tears. Up till now, when I receive her pings on my bb, “anyone looking at me will notice that my face will change, I will just frown”.

“Big sis, which hair is that?”, “Is that a new shirt?, Are you coming home today?, Will you be attending?… How can I use….? Can you buy this new material for me, “Can you buy me a new fan?” Can you take me out this weekend, Are you at home? Is there light? Can I come and visit you?, How do you log on to…. How do you check… Is it possible to…. How come this other site…. How soon can I… Do you think…. Is it true that…..?”

I should mention that these questions come after one another. The birth and response to one question gives birth to subsequent multiple ones as far as she is concerned. And with her, it matters not if you look furious or ready to violently shout on her. Once she wants information, she will be a pest until you answer at least 999 out of the 1800 questions she has in her mind. So any time I receive her blackberry pings, I ensure I am in the right frame of mood and mind to respond before opening it as she monitors to see the “R” that shows one has opened and read the chat. Once she receives confirmation that you have read thereby confirming you are alive to recognise her chats, ghen ghen, her gbeborun questions will now be retyped one after the other all over again. I have considered blocking her severally, but that will make her come over to ask me face to face. That I certainly do not want!

However annoying she was back then with her truckload of questions, this habit has made her more knowledgeable, given her a very sharp and thoughtful mind and made her quite conversant with topical issues.

This is one of the major reasons I find it surprising that people from this part of the world get upset when someone out of the blues asks questions totally different from the supposedly trending ones that will shed more light on a particular belief or issues trending at that point in time.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are some questions that make you want to question whether some people were born with brain cells or they were stolen surgically just like the bad guys in “Fringe” did to Walter Bishop. Hey, for what it's worth, I am also guilty of this as I also ask Jagaban some senseless questions that once they emanate from my oral cavity, I simply know I just became a top winner nominee for the Darwin awards and I usually see from the expressions on his face his silent determination not to terminate review my contract right there and then. But I guess I still have my nuisance value despite all the stupid neurons deducting questions I have asked him in the course of my career, hence my current employment status.

But what I have learnt at a very young age is this; Better to be curious and ask and then BE sure than to assume and follow the lazy, non-curious band wagon like a zombie and be WRONG or worse still, come out sounding and looking like a waste of educational space.

Suffice to say, there is no harm in being curious.

When we are curious, we challenge pre-conceived notions as to why we do some things the way we do, like questioning why Donald Sterling was banned despite the conversation being a private one and if his rights to privacy and freedom are not actually being violated. It's questioning why we react a certain way-like when nobody bothered to ask for the exact number of the Chibok girls that are missing and why the numbers are fluctuating at every news release and why we don’t have all their pictures yet as at week 3 and why the World Economic Forum is still holding and a protest is not going on that the program should be cancelled until the girls are found rather than carrying placards with no pictures, no names and no further info like how come the BH leader, Shekau has a bomb truck and how such huge equipment made its way to Sambisa forest in the first place. I think one of my favourite things about human species intelligent people is that we're (yes, I belong here o) constantly trying to figure ourselves out and the world we live in and all its conspiracy theories.

You see, apart from having a fore knowledge, I believe the world is now so enlightened and educated that we should make it mandatory to always question old norms and standard practices and even ask about who made them standard in the first place. Religion, Education, Politics and News that is quick to travel fast from no known specific reliable source all fall under this category. 

This is why I find it depressing when a brave curious  person comes out to challenge a public position holder, a religious leader, an important news correspondent based on an information revealed and you see comments like “The Lord said touch not my anointing”, “Don’t question what you don’t know as you don't know who will set you up”, “If you want to live long, you will do well and not go down that part”, and other myopic advice that are lacking of depth and only showing the commenter(s) as shallow zombies who are scared to go out of the band wagon community and channel other people down another thinking path that may open new doors to overdue answers. 

Situations like this leave no doubt any more on why slavery actually lasted this long on this part of the world. And I have my own opinion of what we as Nigerians do not like to hear because it makes us question every false thing we have held dear for a long time.

1)       We have not learnt from history because we believe that things are and will “get better” and God will help us if we just pray and do nothing to help ourselves.

2)     We believe that just because we I lack the capacity for evil, others lack it too so we act like everyone is you are righteous.

3)     We are stupid killing each other through tribalism and religion diversity because we don’t even know where the enemy lives can’t kill the enemy.

4)     Bigotry religion is the white man’s most effective weapon. (The day we realize this is the beginning of the solution to our problems which is why I see absolutely nothing wrong with the sanctioning of religion by DSTV on all their channels. About time that area of our belief is kept in our hearts and personal businesses as the people that wear their religion all around them like leprosy are the greatest hypocrites)

5)     We are still waiting to be told how to fix “our nameless yet numerous problems that we created ourselves” because we are too passive and too scared to challenge what we have been jazzed brainwashed into believing is the “norm” and too foolish complacent to figure it out ourselves.

Curiosity is the quest for new ideas and information. People who are curious aren't satisfied with what they we already know or have figured out. They go after what they don’t know or can’t understand—just as Kema Chikwe, myself and others wondered out aloud & publicly why we don’t have a name and picture to any of the missing girls at at week 3, and that missing information can become a driving need to find out more and even challenge the corrupt people to take a step to correct some already damaged measures.

I am not sure about any other person but I consider myself too enlightened, too exposed(opelope Facebook, Twiteer, Linkedin, Quora, Bellanaija, LindaIkeji, New York Times, CNN, Aljazeera ), too educated(expensive schools for that matter o), too intelligent, too widely read(I started reading Harvard Business Review religiously and Wall Street Times almost 5 years ago), too culturally diverse to be ruled by long standing norms and beliefs that portrays me as tribalistic or a religious extremist/bigot that does not aggressively challenge question any information just because the people before me didn't so I shouldn't or because I am scared of criticisms.

Iyalaya criticism.

I am of the belief that it is hypocritical for us at this age and time to take everything on social media or because it was revealed by Reuben Abati journalists without asking questions. Relating this to the missing Chibok girls, it was funny seeing everyone carrying placards and quick to share tweets and links screaming murder to “BringBackOurGirls".

Abeg, which girls? 

Do we have an idea what the number 200, 236, 243, 270 273 means? Faceless & nameless girls whose identities were not released and wouldn't have been released since no one was even bothering to ask why none of the crying mothers was carrying any picture of the missing child until Kema Chikwe asked the brilliant questions “How are we sure they were kidnapped? Who saw them get kidnapped and where are their pictures and what are their names? Why aren't journalists conducting live interviews with the ones that escaped so as to give insight into what happened, how they escaped, etc?”

Whatever happened to investigative journalism? Did it die alongside Dele Giwa?

Don’t get me wrong. I do not doubt the fact that they were kidnapped. Far from it, I simply doubt that some terrorists waltzed into a school and took time to arrange 273 girls into different buses and drove off just like that. Are they corned beef or kerosene mangoes?

Do I smell some political conspiracy somewhere? Why is the government accepting help from the USA after 3 weeks when many of the girls might already be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome? Why is the Dame coming out to cry publicly after 3 weeks of no response until we started asking for names, pictures and live interviews? Was there no internet or newspaper in Aso-rock on the first day it happened?

Who is fooling who?

Trust some foolish Nigerians! They were quick to attack and condemn and snarl at the insensitive comments of those of us that questioned the stories making waves because it threatened every zombie story many have been persuaded to believe.

Talk about the power of social media! it's like watching the life potency of Ayelala jazz.

Meanwhile, it should be worthy of note that all the names only became listed after this public challenge (one wonders why despite many intelligence bureau committee existing and eating deep into our yearly budget meant to think and provide answers on stuff like this, we had to be the ones to demand for more info) and even so, Muslim names are yet to be released since it was CAN that released the 80% names of the girls that are Christians (still wondering how CAN got hold of such list).

So many conspiracy theories unanswered questions.

Intelligence is fixed at birth. Some people are creative enough to question the norm, others aren't. Some are curious despite public condemnations, others were just born to blend into the wall and walk around like zombies and follow where the noise is the loudest.

As for me, let’s just say I am just too enlightened to take anything at face and first value especially where politics is concerned as I am just a curious non-conformist.

However, let it be known that though not welcome, all ill-thought emotional opinions lacking objectivity and non-constructive criticisms do not and will not stick.

365 Days Journey so Far - Lessons from the Ancient Wife.

For people that have come in contact with a naked wiring appliance and gotten electrocuted by chance and still alive to tell the story, you will know that despite several of these appliances having the warning “Handle with care, may cause electrocution”, or even the very glaring one of “Approach with care, naked wire ahead”, nothing will ever, I mean ever prepare you for that moment of sensual connection that leaves you disconcerted, in mind numbness and delirious confusion once your body adjusts to the unsolicited assaultive contact with an electric wire.

It’s easy for people to write or comment dramatically that “Electrocution is painful o”, or “Haa, it can kill o”, or “if you get electrocuted, it can throw you 3km away from where you were” but nothing, absolutely nothing, will prepare you for that “out of body, spiritual” feeling you get and most of all, when the surge between your body and the naked wire comes in contact, oh brother, nothing will notify you of that deep surge than the forest like dance and moves you never knew your body had. Many have likened such experience to “dancing with the gods”. Such is the flexibility but arrhythmic flow your body will assume at such assault.

You get my analogous drift with experience and knowledge, right?

Just like acquiring so many certificates and qualifications without any work experience to justify all educational achievements, knowledge will be a waste without any experience to back it up and give it volume.

Absolutely no amount of knowledge will supersede experience.

Such is same and can be said for marriage.

Forget all those blog posts written by single men and women saying “10 ways to satisfy your man after marriage “ or “How to keep your sexual life active after marriage” or “How to know if your spouse truly loves you” or “Ways to keep your spouse wanting more” or the most famous, “How to know when/if your spouse is cheating on you”

*put a very heavy hiss here*

Whatever you think you may have acquired through online or as diasporic knowledge or even shared thoughts through face to face counselling about marriage, they are just theoretical.

If there is lack of experience in the practical side of marriage, it will be easy to run one’s mouth and give unsolicited advice anyhow. (Trust me, I have been there. Thinking about the number of married friends I gave condescending advice while single, I can’t help but cringe.)

Gosh, I must have sounded condescending with my “ignore him jare let him beg you first” and my usual “don’t ever let your husband sleep with you when you are tired o. it’s your body”. So embarrassing thinking about it right now.

Has anyone even noticed that most of the people that proffer marital advice are usually single people that have not even done ordinary introduction talk less of marriage?

Anyway, that’s not the issue.

I celebrated 365 days with my Hubby some days back and I could not believe it was just that short a period we had spent together.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not talking about being so sappily happy that I could not remember where all the days and months went flying past.

Naaaaah, not that.  It was more like “I survived this year with this guy without going crazy?”

You see, someone once said, when you get married you become philosophical. I need to meet that person and prepare him/her a wonderful dish with lots of praises as the person must have been referring to me.

At times when I issue solid advice to people who are about to tie the knot or just few months into their marriage, they look at me and say out loud, “are you sure you are 25yrs old?” (Not my problem if you don’t believe that age o). I don’t blame them because some advice and philosophical sayings that come from me, especially after marriage  makes me very certain I am a reincarnation of an aged woman that lived up to 200 years centuries ago and had seen it all before  old age caught up with her elusive self.

After 365 days with my Hubby, I can categorically say there is nothing I don’t know or that can catch me by surprise any longer. With him, I have seen so many shades of patience I never for one day knew I even had, sacrifices I have made that will put Abraham’s sheep offering to God to a small level, tolerance that my mother is willing to bet I do not possess, and finally resignation that I have to adopt the “if you want it done, you better do it yourself because this guy you are married to does not look like he will be moving from that bean bag this century”.

Oh by all means, I am extremely happy with my choice of hubby. In fact, you will be right in saying ours is a union meant to be. Such is the level of compatibility and chemistry. We are quite different in our approach to some issues yet very alike in character, share different tastes in almost everything yet manage to cohabitate peacefully (“peacefully” here is relative, more like me just doing it to make peace reign). He makes me laugh a whole lot and considering I am a very humorous person that finds humour in the most mundane of things, you can imagine how much of a blessing to be married to someone that has a wicked and huge sense of humour, not to mention God fearing and extremely sensitive to my moods and emotions. Marriage to him has been worth it.

I definitely chose well.

But at the same time, I look at him sometimes, actually most times,(all the time actually) and I silently ask myself while adorning a dagger look, “abeg who be this guy”?

The past 365 days have actually been an eye opener and has reinforced some lessons I had learnt theoretically before marriage but can now lay claim to have practical knowledge after marriage.

1)      As a wife, you will make more sacrifices than your husband. Don’t fight it. Just start talking to God on how not to push him down the stairs while making those sacrifices.

2)      When it comes to finance, a man wants to be responsible for his family upkeep. It makes a man feel good mentally & does a lot of boost to their ego when he can and has catered for his family.  Which is why when a man is unhappy, just know he is simply broke. A man’s ego is tied to his wallet. So as a wife, never fight it. Save your money for those future days when the kids start running to you to say “Mummy, daddy gave me this ridiculous amount that I should manage as during his time, he got less from his parents”. There and then, you can throw your money weight around so the kids can like you better(I'm actually going to do this as no child of mine will write any essay or any debate with “Fathers are better than mothers”). But for the early days, discard your financial weight arrogance and daily chants about “female emancipation & gender equality” and let him be the provider he was designed to be.

3)      As a wife, you are never going to win an argument with the husband. Unpossible! You see, the average man is a hunter, a dominator and will never agree to stooping to conquer for peace so when a man sees and knows he is about losing the argument, he will play the “you don’t respect me enough in this marriage” card and you will end up apologising for attempting to hurt his fragile ego forgetting he was at fault from the onset. (This is the part you remember my first point as women making more sacrifices)

4)      Never argue with an upset spouse whose ego is somehow threatened. The minute a man becomes angry, a man is no longer rational or hearing the actual words we are actually saying.

      If for instance the words you say are, “I am of the opinion it may not make sense for us to go down that road”. What the man heard was “I am of the opinion it may not make(ing) sense for us to go down that road”, then he goes, “Oh, so I am not making sense, abi?”. He picks that up and starts throwing the old cards “So I don’t make sense when I talk abi”, “I am senseless shey”? At this point, you are no longer fighting about what started the argument but now you will be trying to pacify his fragile deaf ego while he still raves on saying “your tone with me these days is disrespectful and rude”. Then you will have to apologise for your “rude tone” forgetting totally that he was at fault from the beginning. (You will still refer back to my first point of women making the most sacrifice”)

5)      Men never actually grow up. And when it comes to food, every man is a child. He will want it in all the varieties you can come up with. And when a man is hungry, forget existing for any other reason except to fulfil your purpose on earth and at that very moment during his hunger seizure, your only purpose on earth is to feed him. You will discover that when it comes to food, men can be irrational and slightly selfish. 

      This is why some men come home late and still ask “Is there pounded yam? Can I have some, but if it will be any trouble, please don’t bother as I don’t want to stress you. Can I get bread”? Come on! He knows there is no bread in the fridge and because we women are emotionally compassionate, we want to please him and voila, you are in the kitchen making poundo yam and putting the deeply frozen efo riro and turkey stew into the microwave so olori ebi can eat and be satiated. There have even been days Hubby would request for a specific (this means difficult and complicated) meal which I’d prepare and when I'm done making his own meal and my own preferred choice and he sights my food, he will want mine and like a resigned mother of quadruplets that wants everything the mother owns, I’d have to eat his meal while he relishes my own with joy and excitement. And if by chance he finishes his (mine in the first place o) food first, he will come over to eat with me and even struggle with the last morsel and meat while saying “couples that eat together stay happy together”. (Remember my first point about sacrifice? Does it not remind you of a mother sacrificing for her child? Right!)

6)      Men like to negotiate for anything that requires something from them and most times, they will win these negotiations. When a man is assigned a task by his wife, his first thought is “what’s in it for me & how does it directly benefit or inconvenience me? Can I get a special meal or sex if I agree to do this?” Usually when I assign a task to Hubby, it is with resignation I watch the expression on his face change into various forms as he starts with a mutinous look then to a sly look of contemplation and finally adorning a stubborn look but when he sees that my expression is worse, he goes and completes the task, though reluctantly. I have mastered the expressions on his face when he is weighing whether he can frustrate me into completing the task myself or just bargain for it. You have no idea how many times the most mundane of tasks like “Baby can you pick your shorts from the floor and put in your closet space” is returned with “What am I getting in return if I do this?” Most times, I just do it myself as getting him to do a task is like getting one’s child into the bathtub to take a shower. You will end up getting wet yourself. So what I do is to suggest a hall pass. A hall pass is when I request a task from Hubby that is expected of him to do but since I have accepted such won’t be happening in this century, I will decide to negotiate for it. Hall pass is, well, for people that have watched the movie, you will have an idea what this means but not exactly as the movie o. Let’s just say Hubby can have as much as 15 hall passes with me that he can call for at any point in time, no matter where I can be or what I can be doing. (That’s all I’m saying). So whenever I ask him to do a task, he will ask “Are we doing anything?” Once I say “Yes”, Hubby will walk happily to complete the task assigned. If my response is “No”, he simply hisses and mutinously continues whatever he was doing. Once I see his back, I know the only way any task will be completed that day is if I do it myself.

     So like I earlier said, knowledge has nothing where experience stands. 365 days bonding with my better half has seen me making so many sacrifices with dramatic resignation, And unlike many who are still battling with some basic marriage 101 knowledge, I am already aware that every man is a baby, one just needs to know how, where, and when to pet one to get what she wants.

Oh, and yes, marriage is fun and totally worth it by the way…..for women willing and ready to make lots, as in lots, I mean, a whole lot of sacrifice.

As in, a whole lot! You cannot begin to imagine!

Customer Service - An Inadequate Investment

Any smart company intending to make a lasting profit knows that good customer service is the lifeblood of any business that wants hopes to survive.

So, contrary to popular belief and misconception that customer service duties belong in the soft skill section that requires little no attention and that anyone can learn and perfect their art on so long as they are adequately trained, customer service employees deserve to earn as high as a lawyer or medical doctor as they are actually saving your business and giving it a positive.

So doing anything apart from pampering your golden egg layers will be a disastrous move, which several companies either do not know or simply do not care.

In fact, it makes it ridiculous when companies give low budgets to their customer service dept or even outsource a whole customer service to another organisation that couldn't don't care one bit on the impact of a poor and non-chalant customer service team so long as they get their pay check at the end of the month and dish out a miserly part of the cash to the “unappreciated staff”(I have worked once in an organisation that did this)

I even find it immensely disturbing that companies do not scrutinise shrewdly the kinds of talents they invite into their companies to handle their customers directly since they are the lifeblood of any all business(es).

I have watched some “candidates” being recruited into the customer service section of some companies and I turned to the interviewer and say “like seriously?, is the company aware of this mistake you are about to make by hiring this person that is not even confident enough to look into your face least of all handle a high net worth customer?”

Fine, I didn't say that but I definitely thought about it.

I mean, if you do not have the right amount of passion and dedication to attend to different level of craps, compassion that may not be felt for the first few minutes of an angry customer's rant, patient energy and ability to keep quiet when someone is screaming at you over the phone while the tone of your voice remains the same when you finally get to chip in "I understand how you feel", (even if you are wondering and fuming silently whether Harry Potter can swing his magic wand and turn the customer into a stone, or a melting lava) why would you consider working in such unit that demands your pliancy, consistent smile and positive energy at all times for little cash exchange?

Customer Service jobs in Nigeria is actually one of the most challenging jobs which is why the turnover is very high as few people can actually tolerate insults being rained down on them when they don’t deserve it. But you can’t blame them as most companies are not willing to invest in their customer service unit and train their employees adequately on how to deal with different levels of egocentric frustrations and how to pet the golden goose that will lay the golden eggs and increase their revenue.

So in a bid to cut cost, several companies disregard the most important department of their company and focus on other departments that would not even be in existence or have anything to do if there are no customers.

They forget that in Nigeria, it's not what you say or even the quality of product you offer but how you actually say it and present the products and inflate their egos as you kiss their feet and tell them how grateful you are for the N500 they have invested in your company. 

Here in Naija, you have to rub every spender's underbelly even though you feel like puncturing the spleen while smiling like you are aiming for a Close-Up award. 

I mean, does it even make any sense to anyone? We blame foreign companies for treating us harshly in our country and yet the few indigenous companies we have end up giving out the most important unit of their company to another profit making company to handle with little no care so long as the data shows that the calls coming in are being handled.

Whatever happened to satisfaction and retention? Whatever happened to going the extra mile and sacrificing to make a customer happy? I mean, I have done it before; travelled to Ibadan to deliver an order to a customer who I empathised with as the product was something he needed to get to his son in Ghana the next day.

Because I was determined to give a good impression, I had to beg Hubby to drive me down to Ibadan to customer's house. There was no monetary reward but the stunned look on the customer's face when he saw me was my reward and I smiled throughout the drive back to Lagos.

I will give my customer service effectiveness to my previous employer who gave us world class training. (trust me, it was world class. We were embarrassed with all levels of training. Any little break or space was filled with a training session so I know training has a lot to do with one's performance in one's job)

That is what customer service is about and if one does not have that passion, then it is the wrong unit to work in. However, I also understand the compensation needs to commensurate with the effort which is where my stance is.

I believe the term “lifeblood” simply means “without it, there is no hope of survival”. So why do companies ignore that department and practically employ cretins anyone that is so much as ready to settle for an embarrassingly low peanuts income?

For the records, I am a serial online shopper. (Trust me, that is actually laying it mildly & that’s a term to replace the title, lazy market goer that hates to step foot in a physical market).

I can’t remember the last time I shopped outside the screen of my cute red maroon laptop and why should I, when I can simply connect my Airtel BB Etisalat modem to my reliable laptop and log on to konga.com for household stuff, mrp.com for some fairly priced very expensive but a must have piece of denim clothing, or jaramall.com for grocery. If there is one person taking advantage and totally enjoying the new tech age, then it is yours truly.

Hubby has labelled me an extremely lazy shopper who does not visit Mile 12 market like other wives and is proud ashamed on my behalf.

Did I ever mention Hubby can be a traditionalist? (Erm, I know it sounds like herbalist but it’s not, just a refined name to mean “bush man”).

Anyway, to the issue at hand…

I basically have functional accounts with several online stores in Nigeria and overseas and I have been exposed to several customer service experiences within & outside Nigeria and I can categorically say that customer service in Nigeria is messed up and only very few companies (can count on one finger) get it right.

One thing is certain, few customer service professionals in Nigeria are adequately trained to handle irate customers.

And Nigeria is different because the average Nigerian is already angry by nature and coupled with the unfavourable condition of the country, we are upset with everything in Nigeria. So it is normal for a Nigerian customer to work into a store already angry and daring the shop owner to treat him less than the princely royal fawning he deserves. So being a Nigerian is already annoying enough but to now cap it with crappy services for a service they are about to pay for or have paid for will send any born and bred Nigeria into a huge rage.

This is something any existing company in Nigeria should know as we all have this entitlement mentality that we deserve to be worshipped wherever we put our money. So if I call an on-line store to complain about a service I want to pay for or have even paid for and the customer agent at the other end cannot rub my fanny in a soft way or ruffle my abdomen in a placating and soothing way to feed my already overblown ego, THAT COMPANY IS GOING DOWN.

Forget story, In Nigeria, every money spender believes he/she is a god and if companies are not willing to have their employees worship a customer every-time they as much as flash their coins naira, THAT COMPANY WILL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS.

Watching a typical Nigerian assert his right over a service he paid for is downright entertaining. With spittle flying everywhere and wild arms gesticulating and screams over the phone that can be heard in a galaxy far away while he quotes an unexisting part of the constitution on how he can close down a company by just a phone call, one will think he has spent a million naira.

It doesn’t matter what he bought o. It could be just a roll of Durex or a sachet of expired Dettol soap. So long as money has exchanged hand, a Nigerian will bring down the roof to let you know he cannot be cheated in his father’s land and quick to mention “A customer is the king. You have no right to talk or shout at me, where is your manager?”

And this one that the book on constitutional rights is now being sold in traffic, we Nigerians are quick to shout “I know my right! I will sue you and I will bring down your company! I will show you who I am!”

Well, he is definitely the customer and he is a KING.(just without a visible crown, not even with that 700 naira Downtown perfume he just bought in 2014).

He is still a customer and he is the lifeblood of your business. He deserves to be honoured.

The sad truth however is that many companies just think they are customer service oriented but many are not. They just like the concept. Companies are not willing to invest on employees with soft skills, which is where customer service falls and until a company's training budget matches its engineering, sales, marketing or financial unit, the company cannot claim to be customer focused. Until a company can train hugely and properly its customer facing staff as hugely as its technical team, it is definitely not customer service oriented. 

Many of these companies are simply existing due to lack of better competitors.

However, times are changing fast. Emotional intelligence is becoming an important prerequisite to satisfying and retaining customers. Customers are beginning to see through the bulls**t of many companies and are no longer willing to put their money where they are not being treated as kings.

And for customers to be treated as kings, their main servants (the customer agents that deal directly with them) have to be treated like the golden chicken laying the golden egg.

If you value your customers, you will value the staff you have on your front line manning their interests.

Otherwise, it’s tick…tock….tick….tock…tick….tock

So, Are You a Party Crasher?

You heard right. Stay away!

One of the many ways to know you have “arrived” in Nigeria and can be considered as an A-list party thrower is your ability to throw a party for 500guests but able to cater for as much as 5000 guests.

That extra zero was not a mistake I assure you.

In fact, it is no longer considered headline news that anyone willing to have his/her party termed a successful one in Nigeria, will have to double the catering expectations of whatever number of people they think they are actually expecting.

This simply means that if you “think” you are expecting 1000 guests, you better make adequate provision to seat and serve 2000 people.

Actually, 2500 people, as the caterers themselves will take half of whatever they cook for you and probably throw some parts of the cows and goats you took a loan from work to buy over the fence for their own people to catch and take home for them.

This is because one does not simply cater for the number of guests expected. No one in Nigeria attends wedding functions alone even if the invitation card boldly says “This card admits one”

Hian! For where!

Things like that don’t work here. If you ask me, I think it’s a waste of time. The only way you can get a small guest turn-out for any event in Nigeria is not to reveal the venue and occasion until the day of the event itself.

And with many overloaded Bach-eve parties where the venue is usually revealed just an hour before it started, we know this does not work any more.
And that is why you see at some weddings, some mother of the day looks so upset and angry because, while the compère is ushering in some important guests, the mother of the day is busy watching the number of meat and moin-moin that is being kept on each plate of the guest and the number of plates of rice and iyan that is coming in as she counts them all in the silence of her mind, so that when the her younger sister comes on the high table to quietly whisper into her ears that “eran ti tan ma”(the meat is finished) you see the mother of the day’s colour beneath the heavily induced make up shift from red to purple then finally topaz before settling back to the different colours on display on her face.

And while still cursing and muttering on the dishonesty of the caterers and vowing never to use them for any event again, she stylishly uses her leg to shift out one big cooler under the high table filled with meat & croaker fish and give to her sister, with a parting warning, “eran kan kan ni ke fisi ori ounje nsin o” (just put one meat on each food from now o)

At any party in Nigeria, there is always a plan B because a plan A without a plan B in Nigeria is no plan at all.

You should understand this is as a result of the “mogbo moya”, “the ancestral ghosts” in form of unsolicited guests who were not invited but somewhere at the back of their minds have convinced themselves the party will not be complete without them in attendance, or their friends they will also be coming with, and the wives of their friends and her younger sister, with three of her friends.

*sighs* Welcome to Lagos party folks!

The “mogbo moya” attitude is now a prevalent syndrome in Nigeria and it has gotten so bad that telling people you intend to have a party that will be “strictly by invitation” is considered an abomination and an impossible feat and a swift way of making enemies.

Because even when you successfully have a wedding or party that is “strictly by invitation”, be rest assured that you will lose the friendship of so many relatives and friends that didn't get this “special invite” and will be quick to delete you from their bbm, unfriend you from facebook, unfollow you from twitter and generally consider you a once upon-a time friend who betrayed the friendship-hood by committing that unforgivable act.

Not exaggerating but I still have people that are not on speaking terms with me since I dared to get married and did not remember to invite them!

Talk about aggrieved friends.

You should understand that people like the idea of an exclusive “strictly by invitation” event. I mean, it is a nice feeling to be considered worthy enough to be a recipient to one of those quaint but fab-looking wedding invitation cards reading “strictly by invitation” as it tells that the wedding will have all the settings of a luxurious ambience. What they cannot for the love of Abraham fathom is the abominable act of not being considered exclusive enough to get those fab-looking cards themselves.

That my dear, is where the acrimony comes from. No one wants to believe they are not seen as posh or classy enough to be a part of such opulence that restricts other lesser beings.

Suffice to say that the “strictly by invitation” party theme is another swift avenue to make enemies out of relatives and friends.

I remembered when I was planning my wedding and I was telling Hubby I’d like for us to have the regular engagement party on a Friday which would be for “gbogbo ero” and “taja teran” while the wedding proper would be on a Sunday at Protea Hotel, Southern Sun Banquet hall or Sheraton hotel with an extremely strictly by invitation white roses theme concept, and with just 60 guests we will be able to identify by their faces at first glance and a priest coming down to the hotel venue to join us while Tony Bennett croons “The Way You Look Tonight” softly into the melodious background while our close family and friend looks on in adoration.

This clear and vivid image of how I wanted my wedding to turn out was something I should have shared with hubby way before we got serious.

His idea of a wedding ceremony was totally different from mine. Totally!

You should have seen the look he gave me after suggesting a wedding for 60people in a very exclusive setting with just our close friends and family. He simply busted into laughter and told me to get it out of my fantasy mind sharply as his immediate family members alone would conveniently make up that number and not forgetting the fact that he is an “anfani adugbo” (he knows practically everybody that is somebody).

Let me briefly explain why I knew the idea won’t sail even before telling Hubby.

The guy I am married to knows everybody worth knowing and has attended everyone’s party at some point in time, both as an invitee and as a “mogbo moya”. I have seen him in action where a friend will just call him up and say “how far, wetin you dey do this evening”? (This call may just come in at 12 noon and we may be lying in each other’s arms savouring a quiet weekend together) Hubby will respond with “nothing, I just dey house with wifey” and this will excite the friend who will then respond, “shey you go show for area, one guy dey do birthday and I hear say alchy and meat go plenty”(when it comes to satisfying a Nigerian guy at a Nigerian party, just get lots of alcohol and meat & they will willingly sell their souls to the celebrant; whoever he/she may be), and hubby will respond with “Ehn, I go show, I sabi the person?” and his friend will respond “At all, even me sef no sabi am but na open space so no worry, Jide(not real name) go dey there so we dey alright”. And my hubby will then turn towards me after ending the call and say “babes, I have a party this evening, so I may be a little late”.

And I will look at him in horror and basically want to scream though end up speaking softly “you don’t have a party to attend, you this annoying specie, you are about to gatecrash a party”. You don’t even know the celebrant!!!”. And Hubby will look at me with a perplexed look as if convincing himself I am not as retarded as the question I just asked, “didn’t you just hear the conversation? That is the closest to an invitation anyone can get”. And right in front of me, he will get up and prepare for a party he just got to hear about a minute back without knowing the celebrant.

I gave up fighting the lost battle of him getting a personal and exclusive invite after I discovered it was a generic act among men.

Men do not wait to be invited to any event. All they need is just one person to mention that he knows the celebrant and off they go to a party, any party.

Me? Hian! If I do not get a direct notification or invite from the celebrant directly, no amount of cash/chocolates/seafood will make me attend such event, not even in the company of my mum who may have been invited.

Anyway, that was how my posh and exclusive dream of just 60 guests in a garden-like kinda wedding like in the movie “The Best Man” was blown into a full carnival.

I can even still remember the look on my face on the high table as I saw people sauntering through with some throwing perks and effusive waves my way. In my mind, I was just like “ooook, do I know u?” “Now where did you come from?” “I’m sorry but have we met?”, “Who are these people baby?”.

We Nigerians, as far as I'm concerned are the most ego-centric species on the surface of the earth but when it comes to crashing a party, or any occasion for that matter, we throw egos and shame into the wind.

Because I really cannot fathom why an invitation card that has the words “STRICTLY BY INVITATION” written boldly on it does not stop people from coming with their whole generation and even get strangely spurred by that “strictly by invitation” and come along with their friends, friend’s friend, their friend’s lover, her own two friends and her friend’s boyfriend’s younger sister.

It is just so rude and another kind of evil that needs its own special name trying to shorten the ration of some meal meant for people like us that actually got the invite.

I am sure if the celebrant wanted everyone to invite their dynasty, both the ones at home and in diaspora, he or she would have written it boldly on the IV saying “COME ONE, COME ALL”.

And this is why I love the Europeans.

If they have table reservations for 60, you can be rest assured that the number may be less but it would never be more as whoever is not invited already knows he has no business coming.

And for your info, it’s usually very easy to know the “mogbo moyas” (the gate crashers) as they are always seated very close to where the food is being served, they have roving eyes, and they order all the food on the menu and drink all the available wines and juice as if they are partaking in the last meal.

Well, that is how it’s done in Nigeria which is why many people now consider a party incomplete without Aso-ebis so as to be able to tell the chaff from the real deal. It does not mean though that everyone wearing the Aso-ebi was actually  invited.

I have seen someone purchase an Aso-ebi for an occasion she found out about online via the wedding site of the couple.

Welcome to Nigeria folks, where anyone and practically everyone is invited either by gate crashing or by inviting themselves through a friend who does not like to attend events alone.

As you may have suspected, the term “strictly by invitation” will only work in your dreams or if you spend the equivalent amount spent on food on security who will ward off people that do not look like they belong.

As for me, if I am not invited, I have no business being there.

This does not work for my Hubby sha o. 

#okbye